Pieces
by jekim1990
Summary: Emily's home life and mind are a bit broken. Naomi keeps everything in order but still feels like everything is falling apart. Can they both gather enough pieces of themselves to keep it all together. Naomily.
1. Chapter 1

Maybe a slow start maybe not. I own nothing Skins related.

* * *

When I was nine I broke my wrist after Katie pushed me from her bunk bed after I refused to get down. I had to have surgery and though I don't remember it because I was so drugged up I had apparently confessed a lot of random things. From lies I had told to get out of trouble to the fact that I thought I liked girls.

It was not like the movies. Where the parents find out and say "Oh, honey we knew all along!" or after a week became comfortable information and life went back to normal. In fact it took about a week for my mother to get me in to see a doctor. Not a psychologist like I thought an actual doctor. She argued hysterically saying I had tumors in my brain. They did a CT scan probably just to get her to leave and found nothing. My parents didn't talk for twelve days. That had apparently been enough time to forget the whole incident had ever happened.

I never brought it up again. It took another year for my mother to stop casually asking about boys when I had a friend over. If the girl held the conversation or showed interest in a certain boy my mother would leave us alone. If not she would keep probing at the subject until eventually the girl would started showing interest. I occasionally catch my father giving me sympathetic looks when he thinks I'm not looking. Sometimes I try to convey that I have caught the look but he always quickly flashes a big grin to cover it up. But it never reaches his eyes the sympathy is always there.

Needless to say my mother and I were not into mother daughter bonding like her and Katie. And soon only Katie ever brought friends around to the house while I sat in my room alone or eventually when Cook welcomed me into his circle of friends I would stay out with them. Katie seemed to have adopted my mother's view on the situation. I always thought of all people that Katie being my twin would have accepted me. But she seemed to take the possibility as a threat. I sit in the dark analyzing all of these memories for the nine hundredth time.

I was really tired for once but I just didn't go to sleep. I wouldn't even go near the bed that almost seemed to be begging for my company. I just sat in the old wooden chair facing away from the desk. I was too anxious to sleep or even move. I just sat there staring at the clock. Watching the seconds pass could sometimes calm me down. But not tonight, tonight it just depressed me watching all the time I was wasting.

So I started thinking about the future. Trying to sort out what I'd end up being if I had the chance to grow up or where I would end up living if I could ever move away. But then I just started worrying about whether or not I would be happy and when I really thought about it, the answer I came up with just made me feel even worse if that were possible.

I didn't even dare to think of the present so I skipped right to the past. I was always a really nostalgic person. And tonight would be no different I suppose. I almost enjoyed the torturous ache it gave me. The numb longing hole it dug right through my chest. I mean sure it depressed me to think of everything I had then or everything I had never had. It brought me down to think about it all.

But I liked the control I had over the past, I mean no one could change their past or take someone else's past from them. So it was a safe to go to if you wanted to dwell on something without having to panic over the outcome. Though sometimes all the failures or embarrassing things seemed to gather in my lungs and attempt to drown me with the very memory of it all.

I climbed onto the desk and opened the window and lit a cigarette. I rarely ever smoked but sometimes when I get like this I feel compelled to. As weird as it sounds I swear it helps me breathe or at least shows me something is capable of getting in and out of my lungs. Inhale, exhale. Repeat. I just tell myself the smoke would burn out the ice in me. Usual I would end up panicking that it would stop my breathing and put it out.

I felt cheated. I was young and had never even considered my own mortality. Death was something that touched my gold fish and the leaves every fall. Death was something you flushed away and replaced. It grew back every spring maybe a little better than the previous year.

But when my mother found out there was no tumor her hopes were dashed. She had automatically assumed the worse. Let me clarify. It was not the imaginary tumor that had condemned me to death it was my mother. It would get her the ultimate sympathy to lose a child while still getting to keep the better version of the pair. Especially before any maybe bombshells could be seen in public. Blinking and shaking the memory from my thoughts my cigarette has gone out.

I turned on the television in hopes to find a distraction but the people all seem so fake or they all seemed so much more together and happier than me which really depressed me so I shut it off again. Books were always a great distraction from having to live in my mind but when I got like this, books were too good of a distraction. I need to do something that only took up half of my thoughts. That way I could sort through it all more slowly and it didn't all try to attack me at once.

I got up and started pacing the room. It would have been nice to get out and go for a walk but just pacing the small length of the room was tiring me out. Add the cool fall air into the equation and my lungs didn't stand a chance. So I settled for pacing the room. Which only lasted about 10 minutes before I started to get dizzy, the trouble with this room was there wasn't really a long part to it so when you tried to pace it, it was more like walking in a ton of circles.

I sat on the floor in front of my chair and wished the cat would wake up. Not just so I could play with him but it would be nice to talk to someone even if they didn't really give you any input back. Earlier I had talked his ear off though so I figured his nap was well deserved. Anyway someone around here had to get some use out of that bed. It was new and a size bigger than my last bed. I thought it might be more comfortable or at least be roomier but it actually just made me feel even lonelier.

I took my headphone from my pocket and started to unknot them. I had a really nice stereo system Cook had got me for my birthday (though I often wonder if he bought it or stole it) but it never got used except on the very rare occasion that I had company. No, I always used headphones. I didn't want to disrupt the surrounding silence just protect myself from it. I always skipped about the first ten songs because for some reason they always seemed too happy or not quite right. Then after listening to a couple of songs I would go back to one of the songs I had skipped because then it would feel like the right time to listen to it.

But not now I searched for the saddest songs I knew and put them into a playlist there couldn't have been much more than ten but I listened to it for hours. Just the same songs over and over again, and each time it started over again I was a little sadder than the time before. But tonight was one of those nights where you didn't really want to live through it and you would give anything to just give up or at least sleep but you can never bring yourself to do either because doing anything just feels like and interruption to something you aren't even aware you are doing.

And I listened to those songs over and over again because they were making me feel more depressed and for some reason that just felt like the right thing to do. And to listen to happy music, or try to make myself happier was depressing to even think about. Or maybe I was so ok with feeling depressed because it was better than the anxiety I was feeling. I started cleaning even though there wasn't much to clean. And after there wasn't anything I could even justify re-cleaning I started to rearrange things. Not for any real reason or maybe because there was so little change going on with everything that rearranging things was more progress than all the nothing I had been doing lately.

When I had exhausted that project, which didn't take long since I wasn't really strong enough to move most of the furniture in my room. I considered maybe calling someone. It was just a passing thought, I mean assuming there was even anyone I could call, I wasn't much of a talker, especially on phones. I don't know what it was about phones but they made me anxious even if it was someone I had known forever like JJ or Cook. But I knew JJ would be dead to the world it being the first day of college tomorrow and Cook would no doubt be with some "fit bird who just couldn't resist the Cookie Monster."

That's when I happened to glance up at some photos I had hung up one day when I was feeling happily nostalgic and had never gotten around to taken them down. That really got me looking at all the happy faces of all the people I no longer knew. Laughing to myself as my eye caught a couple of pictures of the gang all together. Panda was practically hanging off of Thomas while Cook and Freddie had JJ's head trapped between them as they both ruffled his crazy hair.

I wasn't really in any of them mainly because I was always the one taking the picture. And it wasn't like when someone doesn't really like you so they ask you politely if you will take the picture just so you won't be in it. I liked being the one behind the camera capturing their happy memories for them.

Plus I was never really a huge fan of having my picture taken. Not only because I hated everything about my appearance. (Except maybe my newly dyed crimson hair which I still consider a great decision not only to separate myself from Katie more but also because it was a new school year at a new school so why not change.) But because the person with the camera or the people standing next to me would always start saying "Smile! You have to smile!" And I just didn't see the point in trying to falsify a memory.

I would automatically look at the picture and remember that I had been forced to smile just to make them feel better. I hated that people always thought that forcing you to smile would make everything automatically better but really it just made them feel better. But at the same time I kind of understood so most of the time I would try to pretend things were at least half way to being ok.

And I started trying to remember what happiness felt like or if I could even remember the last time I was happy. But all that came to mind was the day my mother telling Katie that twins weren't really surprise so much as a scientific mistake. It's always the sad things that stick with us maybes it's because those sad things have more of an impact and leave us dented and bruised. I can never keep the happy times in focus they always seem to get lost in the shadows of the bad things. The sound of her voice becoming the sound of her footsteps as she finally walked away for the last time.

I try not to let it happen but sometimes some things just can't be controlled. That got me thinking of her again. We were both really sick and really crazy about each other. She had never known me as healthy or social. Just the me that was barely able to leave the six foot hole I was living in. Right from the start I knew I was going to lose her in one way or another. I tried to always remember that it was just a summer fling.

But she was really spectacular and like I said we were real crazy about each other. She tried to keep it together for the both of us but there was a time not too long ago where I couldn't even bring myself to get out of bed.

Neither of us had to say anything because we both understood neither of us wanted to lose each other but there was no other ending we could seem to write up even when I put all my energy into trying to hold onto it all. I never blamed her though. I mean it is one horrible hell being a numb zombie but can you imagine trying to love one? At least if you are one, you don't care much about what is happening to you or around you. But to love one that must be another kind of hell. Loving someone and wanting the best for both of you and knowing there is nothing in the world you could do to make them ok even if you would give anything in the world to make it better for them.

I started to unlace and re-lace my shoes because thinking of her was too much of a reminder that I did still have some emotion in me. Emotions and all that scared me, they really did. At least the good ones did. I didn't so much mind the bad one because I've become so used to them it's almost become quite comfortable. Always preparing for the pain or preparing my family for the pain I will inevitably bring them.

But those good ones people were always so eager to keep but would inevitably lose, those are the ones I've trained myself to ignore and keep away from. You are just asking to be let down. Not to say I wouldn't love to get back on the mindset of everyone else. I'd love to be enough to be the person she had brought out of me.

But like I said I've become quite comfortable which is probably the worst thing a person could do. It's great to be comfortable but you should get comfortable with the right things. Like making friends you can talk to and hang out with or get used to going to a good gym. But if you become too comfortable being miserable or having nothing you just kind of stop moving or living all together you just stand there and watch everyone else move along and leave you behind. But you are so comfortable that you want to be alone anyway. Or at least that's what you convince yourself you want. It can all get quite confusing what you want and don't want or what you convince yourself you do and don't want.

Like kids who are raised in a certain religion or brought up a certain way. They are almost trained right from birth what is good and bad and some never stray from it. It must be a very confining kind of life to live maybe even a little dull. Just accepting that some experiences are wrong to even think about trying I hated that so much. Luckily my father thought it was up to the individual person whether to follow a certain religion. And to my mother's great disapproval he didn't make me go to church.

Anyway I haven't known what I want or don't want or even what I'm doing for so long now I don't even know that I care about anything anymore. If I had been stronger maybe it wouldn't have torn me apart into so many pieces she couldn't even recognize me anymore. But that was two summers ago. Before I met Cook and he gathered enough pieces of me to get me back to a somewhat functioning human being (and let's be honest the drugs and alcohol sure do help.)

But I must care, at least a little bit about something. I just have no idea what anything is or what anything means anymore. At some point, and I'm still not quite sure when, it all became very confusing and things just stopped when they should have kept going or kept going when they should have stopped and crashed into other things destroying them both. Does that even make sense?

People always tell me I jump to random things too fast. That if I just stopped and explained how I got from A to T people would enjoy conversations with me, or at least understand the conversation. She did the same thing, maybe even more than I did.

Not that it's much of a problem that no one wants to be around me much anymore because I don't want to be around them either. I have all the friends I need. Though I understand it because I don't want to be around me that's for sure and I wouldn't want to have to get stuck in a conversation with me either. And I don't want to make friends or small talk because it always comes down to that really obvious question everyone is curious about "What wrong with you?"

Though I do wonder if I was to get stuck in a conversation with me if I would start doing what everyone else does when they get talking to someone they consider a big downer. They either pretend that nothing is wrong and try to have a normal conversation or all of the sudden they are a damn psychiatrist and think they can solve everything that could possibly be wrong with you.

I don't know which type of people annoyed me more the ones that made issues so small you couldn't really find them or made them so big there wasn't even room to breathe. Thinking about it all made me feel like I couldn't breathe right. So I lit another cigarette and every time I exhaled I did it nice and slow and focused on it to try and remind myself that I was breathing just fine. That's what I did sometimes when the air just didn't seem to be making it to my lungs and I would start to panic that I was going to die I'd start smoking to prove that I was.

Because that's the thing everyone I think at one time or another thinks about dying. Whether just curiously or because they really want to be dead I don't know really. But I do really believe everyone thinks about it, I know I do a lot but sometimes I feel like a walking corpse, but when it comes down to it and you really think something might be wrong you would do anything to make it better.

That's what I do at least ricochet between a longing for death and the sheer horror of it actually happening. That alone could drive a person crazy if you ask me. I started picking at my skin because that's what I did now. I always tell myself that I'm done with things but I seem to always mend the habits I break. But sometimes my skin just didn't feel like it fit right sometimes I would become convinced that it was everything in me trying to get out of this life.

I found a stray crayon and tried to locate the box I don't know how it could be misplaced it was one of those huge boxes with more colors than you really needed. Every year my mom would give me a box of crayons and lately it's always the really big box with 96 crayons. Which I can't seem to understand since when I was a kid she would have never bought that big box and I never minded the 24 assorted colors was always enough but I guess maybe once your older you are supposed to expect more out of life.

Which just confused me to think about because I found that almost every minute that slipped away left me wanting less and less from everyone and everything. Maybe that was what dying slowly did to you. You slowly lose or push away everything so when you go you are more ready and the people left behind are more prepared.

I couldn't help but start wondering how long a person could go on like this before they were forced to give up. Before the weight of everything they had lost or thrown away or given up crushed any will they actually managed to hold onto. Or how long my heart, as strong of a muscle as it was, could continue beating at such a constant high speed.

The sun would start to battle away the darkness anytime now and I started wishing that I had a sun of my own that would do the same for me. And I started worrying about what the coming day would bring. Who I would meet, and whether they would try to avoid me just as I did them or would they approach and muster up the best it's-so-good-to-see-you-smile they could manage. Would they say the typical "It's good to see you're still alive and up and about." And I would politely smile even though they clearly knew nothing about me.

I finally sat on the bed and checked my pulse. At first I couldn't even find it, which I found quite fitting, but then there it was. It seemed to be so fast I wondered how my heart could manage such a speed without needing a break. How I hardly need to move now-a-days before I needed a break from it all. The beating seemed to be taunting me so I quickly searched for something to occupy my mind but all I found were sleeping pills. So I lined a couple up in the palm of my hand and then took them all with on gulp of water.

Now all I had to do was wait for the satisfying numbness to take me under, it was the closest to calm I had felt all night. I open _Moby Dick _(I had a list of books to read and I had been trying to get through this one forever.) I keep starting then stopping to read something else and come back to it later. I do not recommend it. I hate this book. Which is saying something because I believe you should never decide if you like a book or not until you have read it cover to cover. But this book just feels dry and I feel like I've been reading it forever probably because I have. Perfect reading when you want to fall asleep. And just as my eyes were drifting closed the memories of her started replaying in my mind like a slow motion movie I had to watch over and over.


	2. Chapter 2

It was the morning of the first day of my first year at Roundview. It was September and this year the sun was still holding onto the summer heat rather than submitting to an early fall chill. I sighed at the mirror and finished my outfit with my old blue flannel. In the back of my mind I heard my Katie scoffing that I might attract the wrong kind of people if I went out dressed like this while my mother was yelling that I had new sweaters what would people think of her.

Over the summer my parents had invested in a new car handing the keys to the green van to me. I sat in the driver's seat it was almost ten years old and smelled of nostalgia. I gripped the steering wheel and listened to the engine warming up. I had been driven to my first concert in this van I could still remember the lyrics to the opening song though I hadn't listened to it in years. I had also been driven to driver's ed. in this van and taken my driver's test behind this wheel.

I watched the bus stop at my old bus stop and watched as my little brother James and two of his goon friends got on. When it was out of sight I pulled out of my drive way and started the 20 minute drive to school. My mother had argued with my father about letting me take the van. Saying it was a waste of gas and money when I could take the school bus for free. Katie had refused my offer of a ride saying she had a ride with her latest catch Danny. Though I suspected she just didn't want to be seen with either me or the van.

As I sat in the silence of the car I smiled that my father hadn't condemned me to sitting through a 30 minute bus ride of screaming kids pushing each other and complaining about the seat they had chosen.

I parked the car in the last row of spaces farthest from the school. Fight or flight kicking in I restarted the car ready to retreat. It wasn't as though anyone would really miss me in my absence. Well except my maybe Cook or JJ but they still had each other so maybe they wouldn't really notice.

Still bouncing between letting my anxiety win or braving the start of the new year Cook tapped at the passenger side window. Not waiting for a response he opened the door and sat down.

"Emilio! You are not leaving me here alone. Turn. Off. The. Car." He laughed and made a grab at the keys.

"I was not going to leave you, dumbass. What do you take me for? Have you no faith in my loyalty?" Letting some false confidence strengthen my words. I grabbed my bag from the back seat. This would be the lightest it would feel until the end of year.

"Well there is still 10 minutes until we have to go to some meeting shit. JJ and Freds are waitin' on the green for us." He was about to close the car door when he leaned back in. "And might I add that I brought us a present to start our year off right. Also we a fuckin' going out tonight it has been ages!" Cook's cheshire grin broke across his face as he wiggled his brows.

For as long as I could remember Cook had been trying to pry me from my shell. But my shell was not practically a stone tomb. And though I had learned to appear more confident and outgoing I had a feeling the act didn't fool Cook in the least. I could feel his sideways glances and decided to get to this "present" faster. Hoping it was a spliff to put my mind at ease.

"Do you know if we go straight to classes or homeroom first?"

"Homeroom." He sighed longer and louder than necessary just to make sure that I knew that he hadn't missed me dodging his invite.

We walked in silence the rest of the way and the quiet extended as we wasted time passing a spliff between the three of us. I was the first to make my way inside. On my way I saw a blonde staring at the ground finding particular interest in the ground she was poking with the tip of her shoe. Stopping right in the middle of pathway I stared at her. It wasn't just that she was possibly the most beautiful girl I had ever seen (though she definitely was) there was something in the air around her that seemed to suck the air right out of my lungs. I was broken from the trance when some jock bumped passed me.

That's when I noticed an older blonde who had to have been the girl's mother and a girl with long brown hair. The older blonde seemed to be fussing over or lecturing her daughter but still the younger blonde stared at the ground seemingly lost in her thoughts. The brunette lightly touched the woman and just gave a half smile. This seemed to bother, reassure, and calm the mother because she just squeezed her daughter's shoulder one last time before leaving.

By then I only had three minutes to get to the gym. Just as I was going to turn and leave I caught the brunette's eye. She smiled and tilter her head slightly as if I had just told her every secret I owned and then just walked herself and the blonde inside.

When I got to the gym Katie as always gave me a warning look that said both "please be normal and just sit with me" and "If you are still a freak stay the fuck away." I of course sat between Cook and JJ and started waiting for the day to end.

The day passed just like every other school day since the very beginning. Slow and boring. Politics was the last class of the day. And all of my friends were in it except Thomas. Just as the teacher stood to start class the two girls I had seen that morning walked in and I found myself instantly distracted.

Kieran was the first entertaining aspect of the day and that was because he seemed to give less fucks than the students did. Starting class by saying "Everyone take a book just so we can say we did something productive today." I liked him even though he made everyone introduce themselves. But that may have something to do with getting to find out the blonde's name was Naomi.

"Alright." He sighed out like he was still trying to decide his plan. "Ahh, fuck it. Project!" There were scattered sighs throughout the room. "I want you to take a historical political figure and tell me how they would do in this modern age. It can be a person who influenced things, a leader, a ruler, whatever. I will partner you shall I?" _Everyone_ sighed this time.

I stopped listening and watched as Cook made questionable gestures about Naomi's friend Effy until I heard Kieran call my name.

"Emily Fitch and…Naomi." For the first time I saw Naomi and Effy actually react. Every muscle in Naomi's body seemed to tense.

"Kieran." It was the only word Effy spoke but it was packed so much warning I was surprised Kieran was still standing. But he didn't even flinch just answered her with one word.

"Gina." Effy looked shocked for a brief moment before her expression returned to aggravation but didn't argue. "How about I pair you with the other Fitch twin."

"_Excuse me_." Katie's annoyed voice pierced the air. "If anything _she_ is the _other_ Fitch twin." She then huffed a couple of times when no one seemed to listen.

I spent the rest of class and the next couple of days trying to convince myself that it wasn't that they hated me and didn't want to work with me. It was just that they were friends and wanted to work together.

Katie and I were arguing about the Fitch family dinner on Sunday when we were interrupted by Effy and Naomi.

"We will start together at your house." Effy stated to both me and Katie Friday afternoon.

"Fine." Katie stated at the same time I said "Can't."

Effy's brow raised as if she really couldn't believe we had disagreed.

"Whatever." Katie said glaring. "But we _are_ starting today at my house because I want this over with as fast as possible."

"Fine." There was hesitation in Effy's answer.

"S'alright Ef." My eyes snapped up to the owner of the voice and I was back to staring at Naomi for what felt like the hundredth time today. Effy hesitated but a silent conversation seemed to be enough for her to follow Katie.

"We could-" I started.

"Just tell me when we can get started and we will." Naomi cut in she held my gaze for just a second before looking anywhere but my eyes. Settling on the tip of her shoe again.

"Well you see…the thing is…Uhh…" Suddenly my bring no one especially girls rule seemed really stupid and pointless. Especially with how uncomfortable Naomi seemed about it. "I can actually anytime really….Now even…"

Again those icy blue eyes stared into my own and I almost shivered at the intensity they held. Then the blue seemed to fog with confusion as they took in my words.

"But you-"

"I have a rule." I muttered before I could stop myself.

"Which is?" She was staring at the ground again and I found myself wishing they were piercing me again so I could gladly drown in them.

"We can't go anywhere near my house." It still felt foolish to say but it also felt right. Really right since I suddenly really cared about protecting this random girl from my mother and Katie. "It's just that my mother…she's not…well she…"

"Mine it is then." I sighed in obvious relief at her words and I think I actually saw the hint of a smile on her face.

"Right!" I practically screamed causing Naomi to jump a little. "I mean I can drive us. I mean if you want?"

"Just let me tell Kieran."

Before I could ask why she would want or need to tell our politics teacher she was gone.

We started towards my car. I watched Naomi silently fidgeting with the sleeves of her sweater which I found as an upgrade since when we first started walking she stood so stiffly in obvious discomfort I was surprised she was actually getting her muscles to move. I was finding this nervous habit oddly adorable if I was honest.

"It's that-" I felt a sudden weight smash into me and I automatically hunched over in defense sending the weight to the ground.

"Is that how you support your best friend in life?" Cooks distinct accent cried out amused at my reaction. He stood still laughing and nudging me to show some guilt.

"I can't be held responsible for my reactions to your violent attacks."

"Apology accepted." He pulled me closer to his side walking the rest of the way to the van. "We're going out!" He howled.

"_We_ aren't going anywhere because _we_…" I suddenly realized that the we I was referring to was no longer. I spun around in search of Naomi and found her still standing where Cook had joined us. She looked so extremely uncomfortable again. "Just can't Cook I'll text you later or maybe just see you tomorrow."

Cook looked back and wiggled his brows. "Maybe the Cookie monster could join in."

"Bye Cook." The actual warning of my tone was so rarely used that Cook actually walked away as I made my way back to the blonde. "Are you like…okay?"

"Sorry. I'm not actually like weird or…" She finally met my eyes again and it felt like she was pleading with me to just understand.

"Of course not." I tapped the toe of her shoe with my own just to try and show her that she didn't need to explain. It seemed enough for now and we started the drive to her house.

"Left here." Her simple directions were the only noise the whole drive. I chanced a glance at her occasionally and she was the most relaxed I had seen her yet. "And stop."

"Why is Kieran in your driveway?" This seemed like a valid question to me.

"He is my mum's fiancé." She stated it like it was just a fact everyone should know as she got out of the car.

When we got inside Naomi's mum was trying to look like she hadn't actually been waiting for Naomi to get inside by cleaning. Which actually looked more like she was just shuffling things around on a small table near the stairs.

"Hey love, would you like a cuppa-" when her eyes met mine she stopped moving completely. "Oh who is this?" She couldn't have hidden the shock and excitement even if she tried.

When Naomi made no attempt to introduce us I leaned around her, offering my hand. "Emily."

"Gina." The woman said taking my hand. "Lovely to meet you. Such a nice surprise to see Naomi with a friend. Other than Effy of course. Would you both like a cuppa?"

"Not friends mum. _Kieran_ paired us for a project. For _some _reason." Naomi accused. "Rooms this way."

I stood looking between Gina and Naomi's retreating form before throwing Gina an apologizing smile and following Naomi. I don't know why I felt sorry I hadn't done anything really but Gina seemed so nice and caring compared to my own mother that I just instantly felt bad.

"You didn't have to be so harsh to your mum." I was suddenly Gina's personal defender when I thought of how much I wished she were my own mother.

"I didn't mean it like that." Naomi was stood at her desk shuffling papers around and I actually found myself smiling at how much she looked like her mother had just minutes ago when we walked in. "And she knows I didn't."

"Okay."

Now that we were in her room Naomi seemed to relax completely. As if all day she had been carrying around ten tons and now she found herself weightless like she had been hiding her true self behind her shyness using it as a shield to avoid people. And I found myself staring at her more intensely than I had all day especially when she removed the green sweater to reveal a low-cut long sleeved shirt.

"So who do you want to do?" Even her voice sounded friendlier like we were best friends hanging out.

"You." I sighed still staring until I realized she was staring back. "I mean you can pick. Who we do. You pick." I felt my face redden and suspected it complimented my hair quite well.

To avoid acknowledging that I had been caught perving I started examining her room. There were various political posters and a few pictures all only containing Gina, Kieran, or Effy. But what really caught my eye was a couple of very colorfully drawn designs. They were beautiful though they didn't seem to hold any specific design.

"Did you do these?" A bit of anxiety seemed to return to her eyes when she saw what I was pointing at.

"Yes. But just never mind yeah?"

"I think they're lovely." I got a real grin from her this time and any trace of anxiety was forgotten.

"They're equations." Again she stated this as if it were as simple as knowing the sky was blue. But there was also passion and pride in her voice.

"Huh?" The smile wavered but I tried to encourage her to continue with a grin of my own.

"Nothing it's just something I do when things get clusterfucked in here." She was absently rubbing the back of her neck and I thought I was going to lose her to her thoughts like she had seemed to be all day.

"Well they are still lovely regardless of what they actually are." For once Naomi was the one to attempt to stop the awkward silence from settling between us. And we began talking about little things like our various favorite things. But I instantly wished the next words out of her mouth had never come and even for a second wished I had never even met her.

"Oh are you hurt?" My confused eyes followed her concerned gaze down to my arm which was still holding one of her drawings and I shook my arm so the sleeve would slide back down to my hand. I felt the blood drain from my face maybe even from my whole body.

"No. No, I- I. No." I fumbled trying to think of words other than no. "Just no."

"Em?" She made to move closer but I took a warning step back.

"Just no, Naomi." I could tell she still wanted to approach, but got the threat and took a step back as well. Regret flooded me as the walls between us went back up and some weight returned to her posture.

"So the project…"

We worked in silence for two hours before I got up to leave. Though I hated that what little progress I had made in becoming the blonde's friend had vanished.

"We work well together." She just hummed in agreement still avoiding my eyes. "Maybe we could continue tomorrow?" I offered.

"I-" The door to the room was flung open before I got my answer.

"Hey Naoms do you want to-" Effy stopped when she finally looked up and caught sight of me. "Emily? I thought you couldn't work today?" She didn't looked to me for an answer but instead stared at Naomi.

"She has rules." Naomi replied simply. Her tone almost felt like she was defending me but she still avoided my gaze.

Just like her mother had earlier Effy seemed to blindly accept this as reason enough and she settled onto the bed. Neither of them acknowledged my presence though I could tell they weren't ignoring me. Regardless I grabbed my bag waved a goodbye to the room and left.

That night I found myself pacing my room late into the night. Completely panicked about Naomi. Not even the main focus of concern which was her knowing my biggest secret now. But more the fact that I was actually really wanting to be her friend and I was legitimately scared it wouldn't happen.

Around one in the morning just as I was trying to fall asleep my phone vibrated to announce a new text message.

_Effy got your # from K gave it to me. Tomorrow at my house? 9? x.N.x_

I was so shocked that I could only get confusion out of the message at first.

_Great see you then. E xxx_

And again I found myself pacing the room not even bothering to open the window as I smoked cigarette after cigarette.


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own anything skins.

* * *

Naomi POV

I hadn't been able to think of anything but the color red since the first day of college. Mum was badgering me again to not spend the day in my head. To pay attention in class even if I already knew everything they were teaching and to put extra extra effort into making friends. I had been carefully positioning rocks into a spiral when I glanced up hoping to catch Effy's eye to tell her to get my Mum to stop, when I saw her for the first time.

Obviously her bright red hair had caught my eye instantly. And the fact that I wanted to run over and befriend immediately caught me so off guard I actually started to listen to my Mum's words just to distract myself. While also putting even more thought into the position of the rocks until I felt Eff tap my arm.

I caught her eye and she looked up in the direction of the redhead. I knew she was doing this to let me know that she had caught my brief but hidden moment of panic over the girl. She didn't say anything just looked at the girl before leading us both to the student meeting.

As we got closer to our destination and my ears caught the noise emitting from the room signaling that there was a shit ton of people on the other side of the doors I completely froze.

"We'll do as we always do." Effy said not even pausing as she continued towards the doors.

She held the door until I was through it and gave my elbow and encouraging squeeze as she edged towards the corner of the room that was hidden by the bleachers. I watched my feet the whole time, convincing myself no one was acknowledging my existence.

As the meeting went on I watched the girl with the red hair talking to her two friends through the whole meeting.

"Her name is Emily."

My eyes snapped to Effy briefly before I was back to staring at my dirt covered shoes again.

"Don't care." Was all I could think to say.

"Sure." Her tone was enough for me to know I needed to either seriously forget this Emily or hide it better. Because Effy's tone with that one simple word really said _I'm onto you Naoms._

I spent the rest of the day eyes glued to the floor. But for once it wasn't because the crowded halls made me feel suffocated to the point of passing out. It was simply to avoid seeing red and the feelings I got whenever I did see the color.

And I was doing perfectly fine with my avoidance until I heard Kieran's stupid Irish accent pair Emily Fitch's name with my own. It was the excitement and anticipation of potentially getting to know her that caused me to suddenly panic. I felt everything in me tense to an almost painful degree.

I'm ice. I don't feel these things. I don't want or need anyone except maybe Effy. She keeps me connected to everyone else. At least as connected as I want to be which isn't much. I especially didn't want to "get to know" people. Especially since that normally meant sharing.

I'm not stupid I know that humans live off a give and take rule. It is basic human interaction knowledge. Which is exactly why I avoided human interaction. I could barely keep myself going let alone having to give anything to anyone else. And even if I did they wouldn't understand. Effy barely understood really but it was okay because _she_ was okay with not understanding.

Sure she could read me like a book. She knew when to get me out of a situation immediately or when it was okay to push me to do something. It was also a relief to know I didn't need to share my thoughts or explain why this thing had to go there or this had to be done at exactly 7 o'clock. Effy was aware of all of my seemingly insane little ticks and habits, she didn't understand, but she knew not to question them.

That is why when she felt me stiffen she automatically questioned Kieran about his pairing choices. His answer took us both by surprise but also stopped Effy from arguing instantly.

For the next couple of days Effy kept telling me not to worry. That it would all be okay because she was paired with Emily's sister so we could all just work together. I was starting to think that my lack of nervous habits about the situation was actually making Effy a bit nervous.

But I couldn't explain to her what was going on because I wasn't really sure myself what was going on. Emily was a person. And no offense to people but they all make me so uneasy for no specific reason. Maybe it is the theory of the potential effects people _can _have that makes me so anxious about them all.

They could literally be thinking anything and you just wouldn't know. People could hurt you whether they mean to or not. Anyone could destroy you and it was the good ways that scared me the most.

I didn't worry so much that people were going to kill me or anything because if they killed me then I don't think I could much care about it. It was the positive things in life that destroyed me. Things you could lose. Or knowing that someone knows everything about you and could eventually use it against you or leaving once they find out how insane you are. People caring, that was the dangerous part.

By Friday Effy seemed confident in her plan of the four of us working together. But it was shot down almost immediately when the twins answered completely opposite from each other. And instead of feeling anxious at leaving Effy's side I actually felt relieved and excited to get to maybe spend time alone getting to know Emily.

As we headed towards her car I was so focused on not showing my weird tendencies that I found myself showing a lot of my weird tendencies. I didn't want her to think or know how uncomfortable she made me because I didn't want her to take offense like most people do. Because honestly it isn't anything personal.

The drive to the house was quiet. I was desperately trying to think of something to say but I couldn't think of anything but the fact that I wanted to say something. So instead I just kept giving directions. Finding more and more that I wanted to hear her speak and that maybe brushing up on my people skills was worth it if I got to hear her husky voice which I found quite sexy.

I was so focused on dismissing the last part of my thoughts completely out of my mind, because it was even more confusing than me wanting to be her friend in the first place, I almost let her drive past my house.

Normally everyone that is allowed in my room knows not to rifle through my things. They can come in as long as they don't move or really touch anything and preferably not even look around much. But when Emily started looking at various things I couldn't even be bothered to be annoyed. It was actually nice to get to watch her move and see her reaction to the things she saw.

When she found my equations which Effy, Mum, and Kieran knew never to even acknowledge the existence of I almost dashed across the room to snatch them from her hands. But she didn't question them or think they were weird like people have in the past instead she called them lovely.

I swear she chipped a bit of the ice in me away. It was one of my biggest outlets. It is hard to explain but I would basically draw when things in my head got too loud. Whether it was emotionally or intellectually my thoughts would just get too loud and chaotic. And drawing got some of it out and math equations were my favorite thing to draw but they were also kind of memories. It was both expressive and smart.

After that we actually started to talk for a bit. I learned that she had a little brother and that her and her mother didn't get along. That her favorite color was blue and that she liked her toast cold. She seemed so comfortable and relaxed that I found myself relaxing and even telling her some things I liked.

Even though we hadn't gotten any work done I found myself enjoying the time. Until she reached to look at one of my equations again and I saw marks on her arms all at different stages of healing. My heart instantly tugged me towards her like I could protect her from the injuries that were already there. But I could see the panic stiffen her muscles like it did to me so often that I automatically did what I would want someone to do when I was panicking. Back the fuck off.

So even though everything in me wanted to comfort her and tell her it was all okay I went straight into work mode to distract us both from the panic and intensity that had settled between us. When she left I could tell she was still nervous about what I had seen or maybe she was just eager to get the hell away from me like so many before her.

It was nearly nine when Effy got up to leave. Normally she would stay the night. Reading my questioning look she just shrugged on her way to the door.

"Katie told me about Cook. Emily's friend. Said the whole lot of them were a bunch of weirdos but they were actually really good people. Loyal to Emily and all. I'm going out with him and Katie." More confusion radiated from me. "She secretly wants to reconnect with Emily and I'm going to be her bridge."

"_Katie Fitch_ told you all that?" I couldn't really see Katie being the sensitive sharing type.

"No." That was the end of the discussion apparently because Effy opened the door and stepped out. Just before it closed completely she peaked back in. "Oh and I added Emily's number to your phone. You know, if you were interested in finally letting yourself have a _friend_."

"I have-" I started to defend myself buy she was already gone. "you…"

I stared at the ceiling for the next twenty minutes. At one point mum came into the room. She didn't say anything and I didn't question her. I knew it was just for her peace of mind so I tried to never get annoyed that she felt the need to check on me. Mainly because I had put that need into her with my own stupid selfish actions.

I had always been a worry of hers. Any parent would be worried when their child secludes themselves from everyone. Add a brain that is in constant overdrive, a few well hidden secrets, and a couple of stupid mistakes and I can see the rationality in her worrying which is again why I try not to get annoyed.

For the next four hours I was sat at my desk drawing. Trying to get my brain in some form of order I could actually comprehend. A lot of people thought I was slow, that I didn't understand what was going on but it was actually the opposite. I understood so much that my brain was full and running at warp speed.

It was a little past one when I realized that the equation I had been working on was all done in various shades of red. Emily. I threw my pencil down and picked up my phone. For once I finally had something that stopped my brain's constant analysis of everything and nothing.

After Emily texted back that she would be at my house by nine I didn't sleep. But for once I wasn't awake all night because my thoughts were consuming me. It was because everything was quiet. Sure my head was still full but it was an organized kind of full. I could keep up with the chaos swirling around me.

At six my mum peaked in to check on me again. She wasn't surprised that I was awake. Didn't need to question it because it wasn't the first or last time I stayed awake all night. She said a simple good morning informed me there would be tea ready for me downstairs.

It was a kind of routine or tradition we started when I was little and she found out there were nights I just didn't sleep. In the morning when she checked on me and found I was still awake we would have tea together before she went to work. No conversation just tea. Sometimes I would hear her humming some unknown tune. It was the only part of not getting sleep I was okay with.

When I made my way downstairs she was already sat holding her cup and another cup was on the other side of the table. She was humming lightly as she brought her cup close hesitantly testing if it was still too hot to drink. For once the silence felt strained and I realized it was because I actually wanted to talk.

"How do you…" Now if only I knew how to talk about things.

"Yes love?" She didn't push it any further than that just waited patiently and without expectation for me to maybe continue.

"How do you know if you like someone?"

"Well that depends I suppose."

"What do you mean?"

"Well what do _you _mean?" I suddenly found this talking thing daunting or maybe annoying. I understood a lot of things but a simple conversation could make me unbelievably stressed out.

"Just…just how do you tell if you like someone?" I watched as my mum tried to understand for me. Tried so I wouldn't have to struggle with this, maybe hoping if I didn't struggle I would talk more often. And once again it broke my heart a little knowing that I was hurting this woman who had and would always try to do right by me.

"Well love…" I could tell she was trying to formulate words without sounding like she was guessing at what I meant. "You don't have to know…" I rolled my eyes but she continued. "Just don't expect anything or put too much thought into it. I know that is hard for you but just let things happen. And if you do like them you will just know. They will just make you better."

"Better how?"

"Many ways I suppose. When it happens you will know trust me. And when it does happen hold onto it and cherish it." Her words are more hesitant now. "Don't over think it or push it away love…Don't over analyze it until it is destroyed and you are left with nothing…again." The emotion is thick in her chest and it is making her words waver with the weight of it all.

"Right." I'm trying to understand what she meant but the emotions I could feel radiating from her was a bit distracting and to be honest a little unnerving. But I didn't want to upset her more by admitting this or just walking away like I normally would. I did love my Mum even if we didn't always understand each other.

We sat in another comfortable silence drinking our tea until quarter past seven when she got up to leave.

"Well I'll be off now. I will see you later tonight. Later than usual at least. Kieran is taking me out for a bit. Bye."

"Mum?" I wanted to say something to tell her I loved her and appreciated her. But as usual my words failed me when it came to this stuff. And all the words that did feel right clung to the back of throat like they would rather gag me that see the open air.

"Yes love?" She had been trying to wait patiently for me to continue.

"Thanks." I was staring at my tea which was almost completely cold now.

"Of course." Coat now on and her keys in hand. "Oh and Naomi?" She waiting for me to make quick eye contact before continuing. "Emily seems like a lovely young lady."

And with that she was off to a day of work. I made another cup of tea before retreating back to my room. Still going over my Mum's words when I realize that maybe that is part of what she meant, that I was thinking about it all too much. And often my thinking ended up ruining a lot of things.

At eight I took a quick shower and straightened my room which was actually only making the bed because everything else was already in its proper place as always. Effy texted me at 8:23 to tell me she was happy I had been brave. That was it and it was all it needed to be. At 8:42 I got a text from Emily and I found myself actually smiling as I opened it.

_I'm outside. Is it too early to come in? E xxx_

We worked in silence for a good hour. I could tell we both desperately wanted to say something. To get back to the easy conversation we had yesterday. But I wasn't about to start sharing thoughts from my brain and she was clearly not wanting to discuss what I had seen yesterday.

She softly sighed for what must have been the twentieth time in five minutes. I had been watching her hovering over her laptop reading articles. Her tongue was held between her teeth and her brow was furrowed in concentration. But it was very obvious that she was not really having much success in concentrating. I had been watching long enough to know that it was the seventh time she had pulled at her sleeves to make sure she had a secure grip on them in the last four minutes. And suddenly I found that some of the words that pooled in my chest and made it hard to breathe whenever I tried to get them out were desperately trying to surface for air and I didn't stop them.

"I've tried before." Emily's eyes shot up and for once found that mine were already on her. "More than once actually…" I didn't really know where to go from there and the confusion on her face said she wasn't sure she wanted me to know where I was going with it. But I chanced a glance at her sleeves anyway.

"I wasn't…that isn't." Just like yesterday Emily went on the defense. But this time I kept her gaze and didn't back down because for some reason this girl I didn't really know worried me. I had only just met her and I was attached and didn't want to lose her especially on a permanent basis. "It's comforting the silence and control of it. But the anxiety and shame that settles after is almost worse. But like you said…impulse."

"Yeah I always want it to not be so either…" More silence. "I don't have an impulse thing." More confusion. "I mean…an impulse is doing something spontaneously but I don't do that. Ever. I think and think and think. I think everything through to the last microscopic detail."

"I have poor impulse control." It was a statement, an offer for me to continue, a promise that she would try if I kept trying.

"But that's good in a way." I watched as she comprehended my words and watched as she became completely lost as to what I meant. "Well I mean…the thing I mean is if you act on an impulse it's like…like you are letting a bit of steam out. You know?"

"I'm uhh…trying very hard to know?" I kind of liked that she was trying to understand but admitting she didn't have a clue.

"Well if you just sit and let it all eat away at you and slowly rot inside yourself…let the pressure build you might act irrationally and in a somewhat extreme and explosive way." Her eyes seemed to start finding some meaning in my words. "So though your impulses are horrible…cause they are and it makes me sad that you…you know…cause I care. But maybe it is good for now that you have…that."

"You care?" Now it was my turn to be lost.

"What?" Emily just sat staring at me waiting for me to connect the statement to my ramblings. Which it obviously did and I almost bolted for the door when I realized I had said it. "Oh uhh…yeah…I mean I do…but that wasn't really the-the uh focus of the…what I meant was…" Again my mind was starting to get away from me and my words were once again gone.

"But if you don't have impulse problems…" Now I could see her connecting things and I was regretting letting my words have gasps of oxygen. "And…more than once…" Once I saw the final connection and the pity and concern swimming in her brown eyes I looked away picking at my shoe.

We were back to the silence that happens when two people know things about each other that they wish the other person didn't know. I mean I wanted to tell her and I didn't regret it really but that didn't mean I wanted her to _know_ the things I told her. On instinct I put more distance between us like my body actually thought the space between us could protect me from the information floating through the quiet.

Emily sighed deeply again as if making up her mind and broke the silence without making a sound. She just rolled up the sleeves of her sweater and held her forearms out to me.


	4. Chapter 4

I do not own anything skins.

* * *

Emily POV

When words failed us both and I felt Naomi shifting away from me my heart nearly dropped out of my chest. I don't even know when we had gotten so close to each other. Or why she had even brought any of this topic up again.

But it felt okay having her tell me things and it felt better and easier to tell her things in return. So when I saw her shifting away and my tongue refused to speak my brain took action.

Naomi froze completely and I tried to adjust so I could calculate her reaction. We had only really hung out together twice. But in that time I had learned that if you really wanted to have even the slightest clue as to what was going on in her head you just had to watch her eyes. Which I had a suspicion that she knew and that was at least part of the reason she was always avoiding eye contact.

The blonde sat opposite me shifted so she wasn't moving away but she didn't take back any of the distance she had placed between us. There was warmth in her blue eyes which she kept trying to focus on the hem of her jeans which she was picking at absentmindedly but they kept drifting to my outstretched arms.

"Twice over the last one and a half years." She was now openly staring at my arms. "Once by pills once by…" Naomi gestured towards me to finish.

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Answer me with sharing. I know you Naomi you aren't the sharing type. And why do you just state everything like it is just simple facts?"

"You don't really…you've only known me two days really. And some things just are facts. It is a fact that I have attempted to die twice. It also hurts me terribly that both times I failed. The first time I missed calculated which never happens so one could assume subconsciously I didn't actually want to. But the second time I planned it so well...I just thought I had more time." I was losing her to that head of her's again.

"Did you know that a score is twenty years?" Naomi's face became a concentrated confusion before breaking into a smile. And the fact that it warmed her eyes told me it was real.

"Yes. And a fathom is 6.8 meters and a league is 5.6 kilometers." There was a comfortable silence this time. "Thanks."

We sat talking like we had the other day. Both of us seemed only too willing to let the conversation become light. It was about three in the afternoon, we were both laying on her bedroom floor passing a bottle of vodka back and forth. Now whenever the conversation became focused on Naomi or what she was thinking she would change the subject and tell me about Effy or Gina.

"Can you imagine me living in a communal household? It lasted nearly a year!" She giggled and I was suddenly very thankful for the bottle she had cradled against her chest. When she wasn't so focused on keeping everything perfectly organized and just let herself be, everything went rather smoothly.

As I was grabbing for the bottle my hand made contact with her hand which she pulled away as if I had burned her and as I pulled the bottle away the weight of it made my hand skim across her shoulder this made her freeze completely. As usual I tried not to take offense.

"A hummingbirds heart beats about 1,200 times a minute." Her voice seemed shakey but all I could think was how I could relate to that feeling of a racing heart.. "Whales hearts can beat as little as 7 times per minute." I stood to put some distance between us hoping some space would ease the hesitancy of her words.

"Is this one new?" The page I was holding was filled with various shades of red spiraling and intertwining all over the page. "This one feels different than the ones I saw yesterday."

"How do you mean?" Naomi was staring at the page as if she couldn't even see I was there holding it. There was a hint of passion in her eyes just looking at the paper but even her glance at this one seemed different than the looks she gave the drawings I held yesterday.

"It almost feels dangerous? I mean the coloring is fierce and maybe a bit aggressive. I don't know." I was actually scared of insulting the one thing that caused the blonde to show a reaction. "You seems so passionate about them and you seem to really love them. This one is my favorite."

I was now pointing at a coolly colored drawing on the desk but her eyes were still focused on the firey page in my hand. And that's when I realized what was different about the look she was giving this one. As much passion and pride as her gaze held there was also a glint of fear.

"Hmm" Naomi hummed in acknowledgment of my words. "Red supposedly stimulates your reaction. It can make your heart beat faster. There are 23 shades of red crayons and it can be interpreted to mean both positive and negative things. Love and destruction…" She was just listing facts but at the last word her eyes glanced at my own and held the contact. Shifting uncomfortable it was like she suddenly realized she had been talking and felt self-conscious about it. "Sorry."

"For what?" I laughed lightly as I spoke the words because I didn't understand why she was suddenly apologizing for telling me about a color.

"Well if you haven't noticed just never mind." Naomi seemed to relax suddenly which confused me more than the apology.

"No what?" I encouraged.

"You amaze me…" it was said so softly I wasn't sure either of us really knew she had said anything.

"I'm just Emily. Nothing to be amazed about." It came out harsh even though there was no reason to feel defensive. I tried to lighten my tone. "If anything you are the amazing one…mind like yours."

Naomi visibly stiffened at my words and started piling papers on her desk to try and hide the sudden tensing in her posture.

"Hey." I waited for her to look at me before I continued. I tapped at my temple. "Care to share?"

"I don't really know what I'm doing…" I waited. "But I can do facts. I know facts and for the most part they don't change. I can do facts…"

I knew I was meant to read between the lines which was starting to become just common sense when talking to Naomi.

"I make you uncomfortable?" I guessed.

"No!" she panicked but calmed almost as fast. "Well…yeah kind of. Sorry."

"S'okay." I tried to put a genuine smile on so she would know that even if it didn't feel okay that it was kind of okay.

"You amaze me." She repeated. "And that is very uncomfortable and scary…terrifying even…because I do facts. Can you understand?"

"I want to understand, I think I understand but I don't want to guess and be completely wrong and awkward."

"Well I kind of want you to know but I don't want to say it. Maybe guess and I promise not to be weird…-er."

"Go out with me." This time we both freeze at my words. "I mean well…it doesn't have to be like a date. Just hanging out, not school related. Maybe my guess is really really wrong? And-"

"Okay."

"And I mean we could just be friends and friends hang out and-" Her voice was so quiet I couldn't hear it over my own racings thoughts at first. "Okay?"

"Yeah. Okay. But…"

"But what?" There was no hiding the anxiety in my voice.

"I think I do want it to be at some point…" Naomi continued. Still speaking in half thoughts waiting for me to piece it all together for her but this time I felt completely lost.

"Be…?"

"A date." She finished. "If you know…that is actually an option after you get to know me."

The grin that spread across my face seemed to be the answer both of us was looking for because suddenly the intensity of the room relaxed and we were both smiling, though avoiding eye contact. I left twenty minutes later after we decided to plan it later in the week.

After the first week bullshit is over everyone starts getting into the swing of the school life routine. One day when I get to school Panda announces she has a doctor's appointment and will be leaving before lunch. This makes me want to go straight back home even more than I already did since Cook, JJ, and Freds had skipped the day to "Do musketeer shit."

Sure enough halfway through philosophy Mr. Combs dismisses Panda. She smiles back at the class as she leaves a smile that definitely screams _Jealous bitches?_ The answer is yes and she knows it which makes her smile bigger. The jealousy I feel is replaced with a plan and I decide to ditch the remainder of the day.

When the bell rings I head in the opposite direction of the cafeteria and go straight to my car. I throw my bag into the back and start the engine. When I look up to pull out I nearly scream seeing someone standing in front of my car. An actual smile breaks across Naomi's face and she leans down to the passenger side window.

"Are you leaving?" she doesn't seem bothered at all by this just genuinely curious.

"That was the plan." I didn't want to waste time in the parking lot because I didn't feel like getting caught before I had even escaped so I tried to move things along. "So stay or go but hurry up." I laughed awkardly since it was the first time we had really spoken since deciding to hang out in a totally not date kind of way. In fact I had kind of felt like she was avoiding me but convinced myself it was just how she acted around crowds.

"It is too nice a day to waste inside," she says looking at the sky before opening the door.

I realized I had no idea where she wanted to go. She didn't say anything for 10 minutes but she did turn on the cd player within the first 30 seconds. Tegan and Sara's The Con was playing. I never talked music with people because chances were they one wouldn't know the band or two wouldn't like the band. The next three songs were Senses Fail, Rise Against, and The XX before another Tegan and Sara song came on. She just sat in the passenger seat looking out the window and slightly bobbing her head to the music.

After hitting the third stop sign and running out of straight road to go down I mustered up the courage to speak.

"So is there a specific destination?" The question sounded so stupid once it had left my mouth since I was the one who had originally started the escape. "Somewhere….?" I tried again when my question was met with silence.

"Anywhere. It just seemed way too nice to be stuck inside. And the sun is the perfect contrast to the cool breeze. So when you tire of my company just pull over and I will walk around town until Eff gets out of school." She let out soft laugh that almost sounded like a sigh. I laughed lightly because I didn't really think it was possible to get tired of someone who didn't really talk at all.

I didn't ask any more questions and she didn't seem bothered by it as usual. She just stared out the window occasionally tapping her foot to a song or mouthing the words when she knew them. I hit the ocean parking lot and stopped. Without saying a word she jumped out of the car. And walked a couple of feet onto the beach before stopping and motioning for me to follow. We walked to the right away from all the college student tanning and parents chasing their shrieking children.

She eventually sat down next to some rocks and just far enough up the beach that you still worried an overexcited wave might get you.

I still hadn't said a word since we had sat down on the beach. She was still pulling at the frays of her sweater when I placed my hand over her's to calm her worried movements. Her programed instincts made her jerk ever so slightly away from the warmth of my skin. But her hands didn't shy away from mine and eventually I felt her relax a bit. There was a sudden confidence that the contact was needed and wanted. She sat in silence lightly rubbing between the joint of my thumb and my wrist right over the scar that started it all. We just sat watching the waves and that felt like enough. She was still rubbing over the scar on my wrist and playing with the fraying of my sweater instead of her own.


	5. Chapter 5

I do not own skins.

* * *

Naomi POV

I felt different about her being so close. I was less worried that she might feel the two vertical scars on my forearms because I felt certain that even if she did she would know that she wasn't meant to understand it. Or maybe that she would understand that everyone was going to die one day and that we all just had to make it until our number was called. Maybe she would understand that just like her my number was called by mistake one day and since then I had to live with the reminder of mortality hanging over my head like a guillotine.

But there was a different kind of nervousness in my chest as the silence grew with the darkness. Not like when the cute boy all the girls giggle over wants to hold your hand. Her hand was soft and warm and there was no searching or expectation in her touch. I could tell that even if she did want more from me she would never ask for it. She would be just as content sitting on the beach at night in silence because I couldn't find words that day.

A girl down the beach screamed as a boy caught up with her and threw her into the ocean. I realized I had been staring at the crashing waves in silence for too long. A knot of anxiety grew in my chest and my throat tightened. What was she thinking? Most people hated how comfortable I was with silence. What if she was staring at me waiting for something to come out. I glanced over and she was just watching my hand in hers. A wave of warmth surged from my hips to my chest and without thinking I leaned over and kissed her.

A shock rippled across every nerve in my body and coursed up through my veins and jolted when they all collided at my heart. I felt a burst in my chest like something long silenced within me had suddenly come to life. My pulse racing I leaned in closer and pushed harder into her, deepening the kiss not wanting the moment to pass.

It felt like hearing the first firework explode before you were expecting it. Or the excitement you feel after doing something daring and spontaneous and you wanted to scream it to the world but it was your secret, your experience. But it also felt like getting to go home after you had been away longer than you had wanted to be away. And the anticipation of getting to sleep in your own bed again and when morning comes you just don't want to leave the warm covers.

When she pulled away to take a breath I stood to leave. Emily didn't stop me though there was definitely hurt in her eyes. But I knew I couldn't stay. Didn't know what would happen if I did or what was happening at all really. My only hope was that my usual answer would solve some of the chaos in my head. And that meant creating distance from the world.

I skipped school the next day and the day after that. I didn't sleep, though when Mum checked on me in the mornings I pretended I was because I didn't want her worrying more than I knew she already did.

It was all a practiced act, years of practice really. When I got like this people worried my mum worried Effy worried. Their worrying didn't help it actually made me feel worse. It made it all a little more real. Reminded me that it wasn't just in my head, how could it be if other people could see it too.

So I created an act. I brought food to my room and closed my eyes when they checked on me at night. Sure skipping classes for two days was pushing it but I just couldn't seem to get enough of myself together to face the world. It wasn't even kissing Emily. It was that I wanted to kiss Emily and be around Emily and learn everything I could about her.

The distance was helping just slower than usual. I just needed to focus on organizing my thoughts into things I could comprehend better. The house was empty and the quiet felt comforting because I could focus my full attention on whatever it was I was thinking instead of keeping it together for people. But it also felt suffocating because I was alone and my head was loud and being left alone with my thoughts could feel dangerous.

Focusing on the quiet I didn't even hear Effy come in. Didn't have time to get up off the floor or fix my hair or change into better clothes. The act was blown.

"Naomi." Which in Effy speak meant _Are you slipping again? Should I worry more?_

"S'all fine Eff." I mumbled staring at the ceiling. Hoping she would take the hint. Tried not to shift away when she lay next to me, failed miserably.

"Look." It was both a request and a command but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Knowing that if I did she would know everything and I wasn't sure I wanted her to know. Wasn't sure if I even wanted to know.

"Can't Effy…" There were seventeen tiles on the ceiling. My favorite number.

"You aren't even calculating." I could tell she meant more than the drawings. Knew that she knew I wasn't coping when she sighed and got to her feet.

"It's fine Eff." I repeated a little stronger.

"Hey." She said at the door hesitating when she wanted to continue. But forced herself to wait for me to look this time. "Promise yeah?...if it gets too much again?"

I nodded. It was our usual agreement if I wanted time she needed assurance that I would actually reach out for help this time instead of letting myself drown. Nodding to herself Effy closed the door and I went back to staring at the ceiling.

"Oh and Naomi?" Effy said leaning back into the room.

"Hmm?"

"Emily Fitch was worried today."

"How do you know?"

"She asked about you three times today and twice yesterday." I could feel her watching me waiting to calculate my reaction but I didn't want her to suspect Emily was what was wrong even though she was maybe a little.

"A light year is a bit over nine trillion kilometers."

"Okay." That really meant _When you're ready I'm here._ This time she left for real I knew because I heard the front door close.

I woke up at 3:41AM. It didn't feel like I had really slept at all. But I got up and dressed for college and left by 4. It was still dark though the sky was that dull blank grey it held before letting the sunrise paint a start to the day.

I sat on a bench in the park that sat on top of a hill and watched the sunrise. I knew I had to go to classes I couldn't just keep not showing up even though I found that Effy had left my assignments on my desk at some point during her visit so it wasn't like I was falling behind. Not that I didn't already know most of the things they were lecturing about anyway.

The problem was that Emily wasn't a problem. I was too comfortable with her. It took years for me to feel somewhat comfortable around Effy. But with Emily it just felt natural to feel comfortable. Or maybe it was that in her company my mind seemed to focus better, sometimes being completely distracted by the redhead.

But that was the problem, that there was no problem. And you can't fix a problem if it isn't really there. Which was why I was currently avoiding the world and my nonexistent problem. It was like it thought it was under attack and gave itself a shot of pure adrenaline.

My brain was still over analyzing everything. But because there was no problem with Emily for it to solve I found my thoughts taking the nostalgic routes of my brain. Going over old memories, mostly the bad ones.

Like the time my dad convinced my Mum to have me institutionalized. It lasted a nearly a year and by the time I got out I no longer had a father at all. Or the time that I thought I was alone and had more time. There was no panic or impulse in my actions I just sat and waited with the silence. Waiting.

By the time I dragged my attention back to the present sunrise had become sunset. Checking my phone I had three missed calls from my Mum two from Effy and a handful of texts from Emily, Effy, and Mum. There was no response I could think to give so I just made my way home hoping there wouldn't be questions.

"You should have at least left a note." Mum's voice wasn't raised which actually felt worse. She wanted to scream I could tell but it was like she thought if she did I would break. I hated thinking she thought I looked fragile.

"Sorry."

"Effy's waiting in your room." She called as I made my way up the stairs.

Sure enough Effy was standing at my desk the red drawing shuffled to the top of the stack of papers. Silently examining it reading between the lines.

"Interesting." She stated without turning around.

"Is it?" It was a statement not a question awaiting a response.

"Talked to Emily today."

"And?"

"Just had a talk."

"Elizabeth Stonem you did not."

"Relax Naoms." She waited for my shoulders to relax before continuing. "I simply had a conversation like I would have with anyone."

"Yeah." It came out harsher than I intended. "That's kind of what I'm worried about."

She set the page she had been holding back onto the pile and moved knowing I would want to fix them. As expected and without hesitation I started putting them into the specific order I always left them. Then not yet ready to ask questions I started organizing the whole desk even though it was already perfect.

"I just warned-"

"Effy no!" I panicked. "Please tell me you didn't warn her off me."

"Calm." She waited. "Warn was the wrong word to use. I just explained as I am going to do to you now."

I knew she was again waiting for both my muscles to relax and for eye contact. I forcefully produced both responses.

"You need to be careful both for yourself and Emily. You cannot get lost or she will get lost too. She...she kind of copies other people..."

"What are you on about? Copying?" I applauded myself at keeping my voice indifferent when really I wanted to defend the absent redhead.

Emily appeared to me to be quite independent. I had always thought it was something to do with being a twin. Having to share and be close to someone your whole life made you try a little extra to remain slightly different.

"Hmmm..." Maybe my defensive attitude was not hidden well enough to escape Effy's skills. "If someone around her is sad she gets sad, they're happy she tries to be happy. Kind of like a mimic, kind of like you."

"Great now I have an empath and a psychic." I scoffed at the theory. "Will I get to keep nothing to myself anymore?"

"There is potential there Naoms." She made for the door ignoring my sarcasm. "You just have to let Emily find you. Finding her isn't enough. Thing with people aren't one sided. Okay?"

"I've shared…things. She isn't exactly an open book you know. Did you tell her this too?" I didn't know why I felt the need to defend myself.

"_Facts_ are not always what matter…they don't always amount to the much." Her hand was on the door handle now.

"You aren't staying?" I asked ignoring her words.

"I'm going to hang out with Cook and Freds. Maybe even Emily." I kept my expression blank. "If you wanted to come. But I can come back if you want, after."

I simply nodded at the offer. She gave a nod back before leaving. Around midnight I felt Effy lead me from the desk to the bed. Wordlessly tucking me in before laying next to me on top of the covers.

"I worry Naoms."

"You can't do anything with the number 17."

"Naoms?"

"I'm fine Eff."

Even though I'm tempted to skip just one more day I let Effy take me to college. We all have to present our projects in politics and I couldn't, no, wouldn't, leave Emily to do it alone. But that didn't mean I was ready to face her yet and throughout the day I avoided her pleading glances or cautious approaches.

I hate even having to walk to the front of the class to pass in a test. So having to present anything is just a horrible experience. My Mum always said I just had to get used to it but here I am at college and still fumbling over words whenever I'm in front of more than two people.

We are next and I am bouncing my foot on the floor because it is the only way to keep my whole body from shaking. Emily puts her hand on my knee to keep it still. I can feel my face go pale and then beat red. Some of the ice around my heart melted. Even though I hadn't talked to her since kissing her at the beach here she was comforting me silently.

It is our turn.

"We've rehearsed this. You know it like the alphabet." She whispers as she leads me up front.

"We choose..." My mouth is drying than fire. "We chose Joan of Arc. Born in 1412 she later led Charles the VII army…" My voice is robotic as I repeat the memorized speech. Effy caught my eye a habit she trained me to do to try and trick my brain into thinking I simply talking to her.

I know I have said this perfectly just as we rehearsed. But as I say the words I feel like I am stuttering and stumbling over them like I don't even know what I am saying. And that is when my mind goes completely blank. I have no idea what the people want from me or why they are staring.

I'm still trying to speak when I realize words are already being presented. Emily is presenting our project both my part and her own perfectly. She even inserts a couple of jokes that only Kieran laughs at which she knew would happen. Still frozen I try to mask my face like this was always intended and like I didn't want to puke, pass out, and die all at the same time.

I feel Emily take my hand and steer me back to our chairs which are together for the day. When we sit she goes to let go of my hand but I hold tighter and lay my head on them. Her cold knuckles cooling my heated cheek. I keep her hand in mine the rest of the class, she strokes my hand with her thumb occasionally. And the rest of the class or the memory of the presentation just doesn't matter.

When everyone has presented Kieran announces he is waiting to give us our next book or assignment until next week and that the remaining ten minutes is ours to do as we please. Effy, Panda, Cook, and Freddie stand at our desks which I only notice when Effy speaks.

"Are you trying to suffocate Ems' hand there?" she sighs.

All of them are staring at Emily's hand which has gone a little white. I let go immediately laughing it off but my face feels more like a grimace.

"I guess so."

"So Naoms, me and this lot are getting together after school. Start the weekend off right. You in?"

"Come on Blondie!" Cook grins.

I want to. "No I have to get some stuff for my Mum's infamous dinner. Sorry."

"No worries, my darling." I know Effy is annoyed at my feeble excuse. I also know that she knows, that I know. "Maybe tomorrow?"

It is simply an offer. She knows never to push me or give me ultimatums. Knows the disappointment I feel when I can't accomplish simple tasks. Like going into a shop alone or hanging out with other people…friends.

"Yeah, maybe."


	6. Chapter 6

Trigger Warning

I do not own skins.

* * *

Emily POV

It was the second day in a row that I hadn't seen Naomi at school. She would have been with Effy and I could see Effy was standing with Cook and Freds as I made my way over.

"Emilio!" Cook hollered when I was technically too close for him to really need to be so loud. "Last night was fun yeah? Have to hit the clubs more often we've been slacking."

I just smiled as last night came flooding back to me. I had absolutely no intention of going out with the gang but when I didn't see Naomi and she wouldn't answer any of my texts my _fuck it_ mantra kicked in. And dancing and getting fucked up with my friends was just the remedy I needed.

Cook was explaining some girl he pulled to Freddie as they headed to his Uncle Keith's pub. Smiling at the absurdity of it and forgetting Effy had been there I turned nearly walking right into her. She just smiled not making any move to back away.

In fact she leaned in closer. "You two _are _different but it makes you similar." I wasn't comprehending at all. "You both sit and drown in yourselves and get so lost but for opposite reasons. Naoms…she doesn't let herself feel things or make attachments. For reasons maybe one day she will explain. But you Emily Fitch, you are a mimic. Complete opposite you feel too much and crave people even if you are hesitant to admit it."

All I could do was nod to tell her I at least somewhat understood.

"Just be careful with her yeah?" Her words were delivered calmly but I could definitely read the threat in them. "Potentially you could both make something whole and great but…things don't always work how we plan. Be careful."

Later at dinner I kept catching Katie and Mum sending me glances. But whenever I caught them they would glance at each other before focusing on their plates.

"So Emzy?" my mother's voice disrupted the scraping of spoons on the bottom of soup bowls. Her tone expectant as if I was meant to make an announcement.

"Uhh…Mum?" I replied glancing at my dad, he looked as lost as I assumed I did.

"Have you made any friends at Roundview?" Anyone could tell this wasn't what was really the topic of conversation just a warm up.

"No need." My choice of friends was the second greatest disappointment my mother had of me. "Still got my usual gang…yeah?"

She sent a stiff smile in my direction glanced at Katie before continuing.

"Well darling as you know Sunday is the family dinner."

"As it has been since there was a family to have dinner with…what is your point?" Katie was avoiding my questioning glances, this couldn't be good.

"Mrs. Dailler's nephew has moved to the area to go to Roundview as well. So I-"

"Jenna." My dad's voice warned her from across the table.

"What Rob? I invited the boy to dinner. Katie is bringing her boyfriend and-"

"I thought Emily was a mu-"

"James!" my father and mother said at the same time. My dad in warning my mother in denial. Katie hit him upside the head.

"Right then." I got up making for the stairs. "May I be excused?"

An hour later Katie knocked lightly on my door.

"No." I answered as she entered.

"Ems I swear mom just told me like-"

"No." My voice was more forceful this time.

"Emily I didn't-" She was pleading.

"Katie!" I shouted glaring through the dimly lit room. "Save it yeah. I don't want to fuckin hear it tonight. Leave me alone."

It was well past midnight and I had been pacing around my room for at least two hours. This was where people were wrong. Everyone always assumed there was a specific thing that set people off to act on impulse.

They assumed that by my cutting myself I was crying out for attention. Or that there was a specific horrible something that caused me to do it. But I kept everything well hidden so there was no cry in any sense of the word. And it wasn't a specific anything it was everything. Everything sent my head swirling away from me. Everything sent my world tumbling out of control.

And everything slowed down when the blade caught the light answering my S.O.S. Everything calmed down when I pressed the metal to my skin. _Everything _fell away if only for a second.

There was that numb feeling I had longed for for so long. Craved to one day be able to hold onto, that was until one day it actually held onto me. What happens is this. You get the idea in your head somehow. You pick of something sharp and draw it slowly and cautiously across your skin. And you feel something you can actually understand even if it doesn't really make sense. It just feels so wrongfully right.

The problem with this remedy is that by trying to numb up all the aching in you with your new found friend you eventually find yourself pleading with that same piece of metal to help you feel something, _anything_, at all.

I sighed knowing I couldn't even explain or justify my actions to myself let alone anyone else. Letting sleep take me while the silence lasted.

The next day when I saw Effy she had Naomi in tow. But anytime I tried to approach Naomi would stare at the floor and not acknowledge my presence. Simply walked to her next class Effy always throwing me a smirk that I thought might be saying _Don't give up._

I had no intention of giving up especially since our last class was politics where Naomi would be forced to at least sit in my presence. I spent all day mustering up all of my courage to confront Naomi. But when the time came that the blonde was trapped within earshot she looked so fragile and lost in thought that I couldn't do it. I spent all that courage just to reach out cautiously and grasp her hand.

After the presentation it was Naomi who kept the constant contact. Even after everyone else had finished, her trembling hand remained in my own until Effy made her presence known to the blonde. I sat watching the two interact it was obvious the conversation was way more in depth than just words.

"Right Ems?" Panda's voice cut through my observation and I found everyone's eyes on me. "Emsy?"

"Uhh?"

"I think actually Emily left some books at Naomi's and she was going to pick them up after class." Effy's announced to the group.

"Bummer we were going to have a whizzer time at Freddie's shed." Panda pouted slightly while maintaining the enthusiasm in her voice.

As they all started to shuffle out of the classroom the glare Naomi sent Effy was not lost to me. Effy was already on her phone and hadn't been gone more than a minute before Naomi's text notification went off.

"Calculate different." She sighed while reading the text.

"I know I didn't leave anything at yours." I started walking away from her. "I'll just…"

Naomi didn't stop me as I made my way to the door slowly. Or when I drifted even slower through the corridors to the parking lot. It was as I was about to drive away from the parking lot that my phone began to ring.

"Can I get a lift to mine?" I didn't even need to check the name on the screen I'd know that voice anywhere.

"You said once that I didn't know you and maybe I don't know as much as I would like to…" I couldn't help the worry that seeped into my voice. That fear that implying I had in fact gotten close to her would cause her to pull away.

She simply nodded and I fought the urge to push back the strands of hair that had fallen out of place at the movement.

"But I know that loud noises make you want to pass out. That you state facts when you don't know how you are supposed to react to a situation. I know that…" I felt her shifting on the bed but I continued anyway. "I know that you know that your eyes are your biggest tell. It isn't the shifting or fidgeting or even the fact telling that give you away. It's all in your eyes and that is at least half of the reason you avoid eye contact so much."

"Why are you saying all this?"

Why _was_ I telling her all of this?

"Because you let me in…" I felt her flinch at my words like they had physically hurt her.

"Ems…" It was a warning.

"I know you didn't mean to…but-"

"I'm scared."

"I know." I could relate.

"No you don't though."

"Naomi I-"

"No Emily."

It was clear now she was not to be interrupted so I just waited for her to gather her thoughts.

"You don't know. If I let you stay…" We both sighed at the same time despite the tension I felt a smile tug at my lips. "You will drown in here." She tapped at her temple.

"I can make my own decisions I'm a big girl." I scoffed.

"Then listen to what I'm saying." It was the loudest I had ever heard her voice. "Neither of us are even capable of keeping ourselves afloat. What if we just weigh each other down…then we would both drown…"

"Naoms I'm happy with you…I thought that you were too…with me."

"I am."

"Then-" I reached out cautiously and she leaned into my touch letting her eyes close at the comfort.

"But that is half the problem." Her voice was rising again and she pulled away from my hand like it had tricked her. "I…you…here!"

Naomi was up at her desk drawing lines that kind of looked like the heart monitors at hospitals. First she drew a flat line and labeled it "The numb line." Under that she drew another line with a peak going up labeled "positive" and a deeper peak going down labeled "negative." She held it out shaking it slightly to indicate I should take it before she began explaining.

"I have always and gladly lived on the numb line. Maybe not happily but at least I learned to be content. Emotions are dangerous…" There was a long pause and I wondered if that was all I was going to get from her. "If I let myself go a little up with positive things like happiness or…love…I have to go at least double that height but down."

"Please…" There was no way I was going to be piecing her thoughts together for her and we both knew it.

"There is something in me Ems…" Naomi sighed cradling her knees to her chest. "It warns me to stay away from good things. Consumes anything positive I let near me, feeds off it all. Buries me so deep I'm not even sure I'm still breathing half the time. Then other times there's this quiet in me and I think it is safe to venture off the numb line. But it always wakes up and takes everything away just for the joy of watching me lose it. And I can't Emily…I can't let that happen. I can't let it take you or destroy you. I can handle it consuming me but not…"

It was then that I realized not only were her words shaking but her shoulders were as well. And when I made to move closer she wiped at her cheeks and her muscles tensed at my movement.

"Don't. I can't…"

"You aren't the only one scared." I started but stopped waiting for her to look at me. "I drag people down with me too. You don't think I worry for the both of us? But I am willing to try even if I have to try for the both of us…so please just…Be brave…" Silence. "If it doesn't work I promise to back off. I will even leave. Just say it is too much and I will go."

"You'd just leave?" The words were laced with hurt.

"I'd do whatever you asked of me…But I'm not asking for you to _be_ with me. I mean I like you and I like being with you…I really liked kissing you…it was nice but all I am asking right now of either of us is friendship. Just friends."

We were both quiet for what felt like hours and giving up I made for the door figuring she just needed some time to sort things out.

"Stay?" It felt like more of a statement.

She shifted to make room on the bed, to make it seem more of an option. I simply nodded and lay next to her making sure not to touch her.

"When I…" she picked at the sleeve of her shirt her eyes glazed over with memory. "I thought I had more time…I thought…I just sat with the silence and waited. Just sat there…waiting. There wasn't a thought in my head no urgency in my actions. Nothing." This wasn't facts. Naomi's voice was not robotic but shook slightly under the weight of emotion she was trying to hold in her throat.

"You have to lose over forty percent of blood…that's approximately four pints. I thought the last thing I would hear break the silence was my heart try to pump…nothing…but it wasn't. I didn't wake up in a hospital confused as to where I was because I knew that I had been found. I knew I was alive…because the last thing I heard before I passed out was Effy yelling to my Mum and my Mum sobbing to Effy "call the ambulance." She said. "Call the ambulance."

I waited thinking she would continue, that there would be more to the story but ten minutes passed and she just sat in silent reminiscence occasionally wiping at her face eyes trained on the ceiling. So with a sigh I started.

"I haven't been sober since I was fourteen maybe. Well at least it feels that way…" No reaction but she was definitely listening. "I don't just mean like drugs or alcohol though there is always plenty of that. Just…vices in general I guess almost anything can seem like a kind of drug…I get addicted to things easily."

This time when I looked up from my fidgeting hands Naomi was looking right at me. Giving me a half smile urging me to go on.

"I get lost. And when I find something that keeps me…grounded, I get kind of addicted to it. Completely reliant to the point that I end up losing myself anyway."

"Am I…just a vice?" Naomi's voice was small and again her eyes were looking anywhere but at me.

"No! God no. Don't ever think that." This is why I never explained things. It always came out wrong and usually complicated things more.

"Naoms." Her eyes met mine pleading for me to explain. "I'm not lost with you. When I see you looking at me…when I look into your eyes…I'm not lost just found. You see me Naomi. You've actually seen more of me than I would probably care to admit but it never deters you from searching for me…"

She smiled nervously at me and I knew the smile I sent back mirrored her hesitancy towards the situation.

Just as I was drifting to sleep I felt Naomi grip two of my fingers and whisper "The human heart beats about 100,000 times a day. It weighs eleven ounces and is the size of your fist. It pumps 2,000 gallons of blood throughout your body each day. The beating is caused by the four valves of your heart closing… My heart wasn't always just a muscle taunting me from within my own chest…it used to function properly…I wasn't always like this…"

The last thing I heard before I fell asleep was her whispering almost in a sort of chanting mantra "I can try Ems…to be brave. Brave." But I didn't react to any of it because it felt like she was really telling herself of those things. Like I wasn't actually supposed to be hearing her at all.


	7. Chapter 7

Naomi POV

I woke up to the creaking of my door. No matter how hard someone tried to enter my room silently I would wake up. It was like even asleep people made me uncomfortable enough to force me into consciousness. It took me a minute of rubbing at my eyes to read the questioning look on my Mum's face. The confusion must have taken over my expression because she gestured at the bed.

Emily lay next to me sound asleep in almost the exact same position she had taken when she first got onto the bed. I sent my Mum a slight shrug which she simply smiled at before closing the door silently.

My first instinct was to get out of the bed as fast as possible. Out of the whole house even. I was reaching for my shoes when Emily shifted for the first time reaching her hands across the space I had been occupying. She didn't wake though.

That's when I saw the fresh marks on her arm. Inching my way closer I saw still slightly moist blood on the sleeve of her shirt. My escape plan flew from my mind as I rushed to the sleeping redhead. I paused at her side not knowing how to wake someone up. Another glance at her arm made me forget any manners I was trying to maintain.

"Emily Fitch!" I called louder than I had originally intended to while giving her shoulder a couple of quick shakes.

"Fuck off Katie!" It would have come out as a scream if she hadn't shifted her face deeper into the pillow as she said it.

I sat on the bed and shook her a little more forcefully ignoring the electricity that buzzed up my arm at the contact.

"Not Katie, Ems. Wake up we need to talk." I whispered.

Emily moved her head in the direction of my voice before cracking her eyes open slightly. When they met mine they snapped wide awake and she bolted into sitting position.

"'Bout what?" She mumbled blushing as she ran her fingers through her tangled bed hair.

I realized I had been staring at her for a couple of minutes. Shaking away my stunned expression I forced my eyes away from hers. Avoiding them so I wouldn't get lost again. Instead I stared down at her arm which was now covered by the sleeves she now had tightly gripped in her hands.

"That." Emily shifted off the bed.

"No." She replied searching for her shoes and bag.

"No!" Emily froze. "Not "no." Ems those are…they're new. Did you…while I was…here?"

"Naomi." The search for all of her belonging continued. "Not here...and we are not talking about it."

"Friends talk." I stated.

"Not always fact Naoms." She stated back securing her bag on her shoulder.

I suddenly panicked at the thought of having to sit with my thoughts all day. Which actually made me panic more if that is even really possible. Suddenly feeling light headed and knees wobbling slightly I sat back on the edge of the bed.

"It's Saturday…" Emily had just stepped out of the room but took a step back in when she heard me speak.

"Yeah, happens once a week." Her sarcasm was defense. I knew this but it didn't stop me from rolling my eyes.

"It's Saturday." I repeated forcing the words through my tight throat.

The anxiety that my airway was actually closing made it harder to breathe. And I didn't want to be alone even though I always wanted to be alone. Why did I suddenly think I needed the redhead close by to make it through this day. What if I had ruined everything by trying to push her into opening up. The light headed feeling turned the room into a spinning mess and I thought maybe I had started gasping for air.

"Naomi Campbell!" My eyes snapped to her commanding voice. Wide blue eyes connected with deeply concerned brown. "Focus here and stop thinking whatever you are thinking."

My eyes snapped shut and I hugged my knees curling into myself. Every instinct refusing Emily's aide and sympathy. I didn't want help and I _definitely_ didn't want to _want_ help.

Emily broke the hold I had on my legs and knocked my feet to the floor. She then took one of my hands and placed it just under her collar bone before placing one of her own in the same place on me. My hand automatically pulled away from the contact while my body shifted away from her hand.

Emily just rolled her eyes before repeating her movements.

"Just breathe." She kept repeating taking deep steady breaths herself.

This continued for ten minutes before my breathing started to match her own. When it did I pulled my hand away hoping this time she would allow me to. Her own hand lingered on my chest a little longer before pulling away. The spot felt instantly colder at the loss of her warm hand.

"Naomi." There was a lot of weight in my name. Hesitancy, apology, worry, pity.

"No." It was my turn to shut down.

I didn't want any of the emotion she was offering it felt heavy just lingering in the air. The last thing I could handle right then was extra weight. It was bad enough she had just seen me lose my shit completely over nothing. I didn't need her pity as well.

"Weren't you leaving." I stated coldly turning away from her. Missing the warmth of her presence as I put as much distance as I could between us.

"I was...but it's Saturday." She smiled when I whipped my head around. "And you're coming with me."


	8. Chapter 8

Emily POV

We spend all of Saturday hiding in my room. Not really acknowledging the previous night, just lying in bed doing nothing and saying nothing. Arriving just past six we had slipped into my room unnoticed by anyone.

It had taken about three hours for her to relax enough to start moving about the room. I held back a chuckle wondering what she could possibly find so threatening about my room. I told her to wander freely and look at whatever she wanted. Unlike her room there was no specific order and since it was Naomi I didn't mind her touching my things.

Naomi in a new place turned out to be quite an entertaining experience. She scanned the room a couple of times touching things. After doing this about three times to the entire room she absentmindedly started moving things. After about twenty minutes of silently watching her I realized she was organizing it.

The process or intended method of organization didn't really make sense to me but the more she did it the calmer she seem to become. At some points I could even faintly hear her humming to herself.

My dad texted me (still thinking I was out) announcing that he and my Mum were going to visit my dad's parents for the evening and not to wait up. Katie fucked off to her boyfriend's and James was at Gordon's for the night.

It's nearly four when I remember I haven't offered her anything to eat or drink all day. In fact I hadn't really said anything we just sat staring blankly at the television avoiding each other while maintaining close proximity.

"Do you want food?" I'm back to mumbling, perfect.

"I want whatever you want?"

"I'm not hungry…"

"We'll eat later." She states sitting on the edge of the bed. I can feel her watching me and I suddenly feel exposed. "Do I make it worse?"

"What?" I try to think of anything she had had a negative impact on in my life, coming up with nothing.

I feel Naomi's hand grasp at my hand and pull it toward her. "You are rubbing at…" She rubs my sleeve and my spine goes rigid at the contact. "Do I make you want to?"

"No." I didn't even need to think about it. "If anything you've helped. I…I do it less often since I've met you…The other night was the first time all week I swear." I hated talking about this shit. The relief floods her face and I suspect she had been holding her breath.

"If I can find it do I get to keep it?"

"No…" Not really even knowing what she was talking about.

"How about I have three minutes to look. If I don't find five I keep none. And if I lose you caaan haave..." She tapped a finger against her chin mocking deep thought. "This." She takes off her necklace and dangles it between us. "That way you can at least remember someone cares about you."

"What's it say?" I asked avoiding pointing out to the blonde that she had again admitted to caring for me.

"_Metanoia_." Naomi stated simply reading the word.

"Wow. Thanks for that." I scoffed rolling my eyes. "What does it _mean_?"

"It's a theory actually." Naomi stated only pausing a second before realizing that wasn't really an answer. "It basically means that sometimes you have to destroy yourself…that people need to let you fall apart so that you can come back as something improved. That it is your psyche's way of repairing itself. It's a journey of changing some aspect of yourself...your mind, heart, way of living...Eff gave it to me after…"

"I can't-" I started dropping the necklace back into her hand. It was the first time Naomi had explained something that I could actually understand completely, could even relate to it. But the necklace was meant for her, it was from Effy who was Naomi's rock. Even someone who had never met them could see how much Effy meant to Naomi.

"Yes. I still have Effy and my Mum they keep me kind of on track. As much as they can anyway. And…I have you now." She wasn't going to let go of this deal. "So I'm still not quite there yet…but I don't really think anyone is ever really there. Where ever there is." Naomi smiled thinking about some place I couldn't even imagine yet.

"So what? Now you want to live and are happier and shit?" I knew I sounded insensitive, hostile even. Especially taking into account that I knew she wasn't any of those things. I hated _it gets better_ speeches, because _better_ never seemed to come soon enough.

"Not at all. Some days I even wish I had died years ago. But knowing death is coming became kind of comforting. Like it doesn't matter if I'm this or that, normal or insane, because one day I will die. It is in fact a fact. I mean…if death is coming anyway why not stick around at least a bit longer. At least that's what I try to convince myself...And maybe everyone needs to break a little just to see what they have in them."

I didn't say anything just held the necklace. I was acting so cavalier about it but I understood. Perfectly, I understood. What it is like to want to die but wanting to live. Or the curiosity of seeing how much you can tear yourself apart before everything just falls to pieces. She took my silence as a bad thing and started to slowly ramble.

"The average human brain weighs about 3 lbs. And can only survive 4-6 minutes without oxygen. It uses about twenty percent of the oxygen you take in. And-"

"Deal." I cut her off.

"Deal?" She half smiled causing her eyes to light up as they met mine.

"Yeah…" I said less confident as I fiddled with the necklace. "I guess."

Naomi got up and went straight to my book case she looked at the tops of the books. After examining them she selected one and set it on the bed. Then leaning over my bedside table she reached onto the little indent where the wall met the ceiling pulling out two razors. Next she paced around the room looking around.

"Ninety seconds," I announced. Annoyed and anxious that she had three from just two hiding spots. Mentally scolding myself for keeping two in one place.

She smiled back at me still looking around but touching nothing.

"I wonder." Naomi twisted a screw to a cable outlet I no longer used.

"How the fuck?"

"Explanations later I'm short on time." I could tell she was out of ideas and was holding back the urge to just tear the newly organized room apart.

"Time."

"Damn. Well I think either way I win." She gave me a smirk.

"Explanations?"

"Well this one," she held up the book giving it a shake so the blade fell onto the bed. "Sometimes when I've lost you to thought you stare absentmindedly at the top shelf always towards the left. I didn't know which book specifically but the pages were a little parted where there was something stuck between the pages. May I ask why _Catcher in the Rye_?"

"I just think Holden Caulfield would be an understanding guy?" It was one of my favorite books I had like four copies throughout my room. "And you have been with me in this room for only a couple of hours all of which the both of us were "lost in thought" But…continue."

"There are footprints on the table." Naomi laughed at this give away clue that seemed obvious to her. "I wasn't positive what was hidden up there but it was something. And the outlet was just one of my hiding places."

I tilt the lamp next to my bed so the bottom faced Naomi who had a smug look still plastered on her face. A fifth razorblade was taped to the bottom. I un-taped it and collected the five blades.

"Even trade? The necklace for the blades _but_ I only keep the necklace for a month."

"Mmmm…" she considered the offer. "Even trade _but_ we discuss who keeps the necklace later."

She takes one of the blades and pushes it against the back of her hand. A little blood dots to the surface staining her pale skin. I grab her hand and hold it so tight I can feel her pulse.

"Why the fuck would you do that?" I hated the idea of opening up this world to anyone else, putting the idea of hurting yourself for relief into another person's head.

"Why the fuck would you?"

Neither of us actually answers the question. Everyone has their reasons for doing something or no reason at all. Maybe even the reason changes every day varies from second to second.

We were laying on my bed talking about classes and which teachers we didn't like or even hated a little. No more heavy conversations. It was ten and neither of us made any indication that we wanted Naomi to leave.

I felt her shift onto her side facing me. One hand was supporting her head and the other carefully wiped from halfway down my cheek up to the corner of my eye. When she pulled it away it was shining with water. But she didn't comment on it.

"I don't like to cry I don't feel like it helps. You just get all stuffed up and it always leads to a headache." Which was true but not completely.

The actual story was one time when I was little I was hiding under my bed crying. When my mother found me she started yelling at me saying crying didn't solve anything, that I needed toughen up, grow up. From then on, and if my math was correct, I had cried exactly once a year. And I hated it. Once it started it didn't stop I would just sit and cry until I fell asleep. There was no controlling it. Crying was just like pure emotion spilling over, flooding every thought, tainting it. Like being trapped at sea, left to drown. And just like the ocean it was uncontrollable.

"Do you want me to go?" As she asks this she sits up ready to take any order I give her. I realized her eyes were following me as I paced the room. When I had even started pacing I couldn't really remember.

There isn't really a proper response I can think of. I realize that she is still here because she cares even if she won't acknowledge it. And she is ready to do whatever will make me feel better.

Sometimes I got bad again and I needed time to sort things back into an order I could live with and I would be fine again. It had become an almost routine that it never occurred to me that people still worried about me when it happened. Even though Cook had mentioned it on occasion, he never pressed the topic simply stating that he worried or cared about me.

"No I want you to stay." She flops back onto the pillow and lifts the blankets inviting me to return to their warmth.

Staggering back to my bed she wraps the blanket around me and actually holds me. She kisses my neck before nuzzling her head onto my shoulder. Neither of us talk and the only movement in the room is Naomi's hand lightly tracing her fingers over my elbow.

I can't help but wonder what brought this sudden change out of her. The tensely postured blonde who could barely talk and refused to be within a ten feet of another human had her arms wrapped protectively around me. Like she could protect me from my own mind or actually physically hold me together. I tried not to worry or get upset with the thought that that closed off Naomi could and would return at anytime.

My eyes blink more than normal trying to keep the tears from spilling over. And though I don't let a single tear fall my breathing betrayed how close I was to crying and I was shaking just enough for it to be noticeable. Naomi still says nothing she only pulls me closer and holds me tighter. I fall asleep to her softly humming into my shoulder.


	9. Chapter 9

Don't own skins.

* * *

Naomi POV

"What the fuck do you think you're doing lezza!"

It wasn't the shouting that woke me up it was when I felt something try to pull me up by my shirt that I found myself suddenly wide awake. My eyes snapped open meeting brown but not the right brown. Not the kind deep brown I was constantly getting comfortably lost in.

I put my hands behind me to support my weight while also trying to shift my shirt out of Katie's grasp. Emily's warm hand gripped my shoulder pushing me back onto the bed while her weight was removed completely.

I closed my eyes trying to force Katie's close proximity out of my thoughts. She was too close I could feel the heat radiating from her body. Her strong perfume making it harder to breathe. Eyes still held tightly shut even though Emily had shoved Katie away from me and then guided her out of the room before closing the door. I couldn't help but listen even though I knew it was rude but I could only catch parts of the conversation.

"-lucky it wasn't Mum!" Katie's voice raised.

"I don't give a fuck. You had no right-" Emily's voice was lower still heavy with sleep.

I had to admit hearing Emily's voice sounding even huskier than usual was quite attractive. Could you be attracted to a voice? Pay attention! I scolded myself attempting to catch back onto the conversation.

"No you have a problem. Mum has a problem. _I_ do not have a problem." Emily's voice was scolding but I could tell she was hurt by whatever the topic was.

I had no idea what all these problems were and I guess I wouldn't be finding out because Emily ended the conversation there by slamming the door in Katie's face which Katie then hit in frustration. The redhead leaned against the door before sliding down holding her knees close. Her head against her knees I saw her shoulders shake as she tried to contain a sob.

Crying was completely foreign to me. I didn't not cry from a decision like Emily had I just didn't cry. I always joked that it was just because I was emotionally stunted. But sometimes I wonder if I would feel just a little better if I did have a good cry.

I got up from the bed and walked towards her. Emily simply stopped moving and held her knees tighter. So I decided to do what I think I would want someone to do. I sat down close to her but not touching her at all. That's it. I just sat near her and didn't acknowledge the tears at all.

After a good half hour Emily's shoulders stopped moving and she started trying to wipe the few tears that had managed to escape away while not uncurling from her current position. She made no attempt to move probably hoping I would magically not have witnessed that. Or that I would just have disappeared from the room even though she was blocking the door.

I waited another thirteen minutes and forty-two seconds contemplating what to do. And when the tears didn't start again and she still didn't move I decided to break the silence.

"The national animal of Scotland is a unicorn." I really hated that _that_ was what I had come up with to say when my…friend? Had just basically broken down completely in front of me.

If possible Emily moved even less than before and I worried she had actually stopped breathing.

"George Cantor was the first person to theorize infinity and he died in a mental institution." This time I literally rolled my eyes at myself. "The average person has three to five major dreams a night. About one major one every ninety minutes. But you don't remember most of them. I never remember any of mine unless they are nightmares."

"Do you have a lot of nightmares?" Emily finally responded her voice thick and strained, muffled slightly by the angle of her head.

"Yes. More than I would like to admit probably." I didn't want to answer her because I didn't want to explain. But I couldn't not answer her obviously.

"What about?" I wish she were looking so she would know not to ask that. Emily was sometimes kind of like Effy. She could just tell when to ask something and when not to. When to push and when to back the hell off.

"Ems?" She froze again. "Ems?" I tried to make my voice do the thing her and Effy did when they wanted me to look. But she didn't look up, only shifted slightly away from me. Not wanting her to put anymore distance between us I went back to doing nothing.

"Zebras are black with white stripes. And a tiger's actual skin is striped…" Even I thought I sounded like an idiot. Effy would have hit me for having that thought. "Emily…I don't know what I'm doing."

Had I known that it was that simple to get her to look up I would have started with that an hour ago. Her eyes were blood shot and puffy and her nose was tinted red. I tried not to add it to the list of why red was forever going to make me automatically think of Emily. I didn't want to add it because seeing Emily this broken was something I didn't really ever want to remember.

"Sorry." She was shaking her head and moving away from the door backing away until her back was against the bed.

"I don't understand?"

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable…or for any of this morning actually…" Her voice was barely a whisper and shook like her vocal chords were so tight they were vibrating with the noise.

I didn't even try to hide my confusion. Why the fuck was she worrying about my comfort when she had puffy eyes and was holding herself like if she let go even a little everything would fall away.

"I was letting you leave Naoms." Emily was looking at me almost begging me to just take the get out of jail free card she was handing me. But I didn't move, actually had little to no intention of leaving the rest of the day. "You're off the hook. Seriously just go."

"No."

"What the fu-"

"You heard me." I was determined, no one could deny that.

"I…you…just…"

"See even you can't argue with it. Either I'm staying or you are coming with me." I was convinced that if she was left alone she would hurt herself.

Emily's shoulders started to shake again but there were no tears. It was almost like her body wanted to cry but had run out of tears. Which was kind of weird because she hadn't really cried so much as shook.

"I don't understand you." she mumbled getting back onto the bed.

"Sorry?"

"One minute you are practically an uncomfortable robot void of any emotion or concept of caring…" Emily was on the bed now facing away from me.

I cringed at the undeniable honesty of the statement but waited for her to continue. But she didn't. So after a couple of minutes the sharpness of her words started to sink into my skin. And if I was to be truthful it was actually tearing my insides a part a bit. She really must have wanted me to leave.

"Okay. Sorry."

Without waiting for Emily to respond I left. I didn't want her to take back what she had said just because she didn't like my reaction. And if I stayed I thought maybe my lungs would stop working properly because the air was too heavy with the redhead's silence. Or maybe my cut up heart would start bleeding through my chest.

So I just left and walked home. Effy called twice and texted after she didn't get a response.

_Emily called. Wanted to make sure you got home alright? –Eff_

I had to respond or I knew she would come over. But that didn't mean my answer had to be anything she could read into.

_Just got home took a shower sorry for missing your calls._

_Can I head over to yours? -Eff_

I sighed trying to think of a valid reason to say no. But before I could respond my phone went off again.

_We don't have to talk. –Eff_

I couldn't say no to that. It felt like that was Effy speak for she needed me. And I couldn't say no to her even if I wanted to.

_I'll leave the door unlocked._

I didn't hear Effy arrive or even enter my room. Which was surprising because I could be dead asleep and wake up if someone even breathed in the general direction of my door…but here I was wide awake and practically jumped when Effy made her presence known.

"You're distracted." She was at my shoulder looking at what I was doing. "Not an equation."

"Observant conclusion you've come to there."

My response was sarcastic, rude even. But I was scolding myself for not hearing the front door so I could put away what I was doing. If Effy saw that I was actually drawing it would worry her. The last time I started drawing something other than equations she found me on the floor waiting. And the time before that I was locked up…

"Want to talk-"

"Effy…you said…"

She didn't make another attempt to talk to me for two hours. She simply sat on the bed and flipped through a magazine I suppose she had brought with her.

"Naomi Campbell what the actual fuck?!"

The volume of her voice cut through the air causing me to jump again like it had physically hit me. Effy didn't yell. Why was Effy yelling at me? Blank faced I turned slightly to see if I could get answers. The metal in her hand catching the light made it quite obvious.

"Not what you think _Elizabeth Stonem_." I scoffed in defense.

"_That_ all the response I'm getting? Cause it sure as fuck isn't enough." Something flashed in her blue eyes and I looked away not wanting to catch it again.

"I won't explain." I finally mumbled to the floor causing Effy to stand in anger.

"_But_ I can maybe prove it isn't?" I said before she could get any closer. "Not that it isn't already obvious."

"Obvious?" Effy practically spat the word like it offended her. Ms. all seeing, all knowing Stonem missing something _obvious_.

"Yeah obvious. You think someone as organized as me would leave part of a hidden plan in plain sight?" She didn't answer so I continued. "And you can take them cause I'm _not_ using them. Because they are _not_ mine."

"Emily?" I hated that she always just knew everything. Though this time it was quite obvious since I only really knew her and the redhead, and the blades were obviously not Effy's.

"Effy don't."

"No. You don't Naoms."

Effy did approach this time and I flinched. She knelt beside me but made no contact just tilted her head trying to catch my eye. But I was still afraid of what had flashed in them before so I continued to stare at my shoes.

"I don't know if I can just sit by if _this_" The blades flashed in the light and I couldn't help but stare at them. "If this is what the friendship is about…aiding the fuck ups instead of…"

"Not what you think Ef…I'm not the only one who needs…protecting." I hated that my Mum and Effy were always trying to protect me but I hoped it would help her understand.

"So I thought you were hanging out with Emily." Effy offered to drop the subject. "That's what Cook said at least. Well he said and I quote "Reds doing the muff munchin thing with Blondie. Said I wasn't invited which is a real shame." End quote."

"I was…Did." I had to talk about it just to avoid that glint of concern and fear that kept flashing in those steely blue eyes. "Didn't end well so I left…"

"Hang on."

Abruptly Effy got up and left the room. Returning ten minutes later with two cups of tea which she set on the floor before sitting in front of one and patting the floor next to the other. Once we were both settled Effy stared at me expectantly waiting.

"She called me a robot…" was the only thing I could think that mattered without feeling like I was betraying any of Emily's secrets.

"Why?"

"Does it really matter?" The words trembled with annoyance.

"I think it does. And I think I need just a little more?" I could practically see her mind trying to make connections.

"I'm not…metal…" This time they were shaking but not from irritation.

"Course not, love." She replied with an encouraging smile which was such a rarity with Effy I felt compelled to continue.

"Emily fought with Katie…" It didn't feel right talking about the redhead's personal life. It wasn't my story to tell. "Then she…I don't know how to do the…"

"Doesn't make you a robot. And I'm sure Emily didn't mean it that way." Effy connected what she could and I guessed that she was actually only guessing on what to say. "So she was upset and you just…left?"

"She clearly didn't want me there." I defended my actions even if they felt wrong to me.

"Cause you are always so willing to admit when you're drowning." She whispered as she stood up.

"Where are you going?" I actually wanted to be alone. Which was a huge relief because that "needing people" thing was definitely something I wanted to stop immediately.

"Freddie's shed. Meeting Katie there actually. She is actually genuinely trying to understand and accept Emily…I'd offer for you to come but…" She opened the door. "I _think_ you might decide you have other plans. And Naoms?"

I caught her eyes so she would know I wasn't lost in thought but present for the conversation.

"You are _not_ a robot." It wasn't what she was originally going to say but I wasn't sure I wanted to actually know.

"The average person tells about 1,460 lies a year." I said nodding to show I had heard her. "That's about four a day..."

I only waited about five minutes after hearing the front door before calling Emily. She answered after one and a half rings.

"Want to go somewhere?"

"Where?" her voice still sounded thick even though it had been almost three hours since I left.

"Anywhere." Maybe I should have thought this out better, made a plan. But wasn't that part of the attraction of Emily Fitch? The lack of thought she required sometimes.


	10. Chapter 10

I do not own skins.

* * *

Emily POV

I brought her to my favorite place hoping she would appreciate the calm solitude of it. As we stood facing the small lake my eyes watched only her. Ignoring the beauty of the place I had frequented so often to hide from the world.

Naomi just stared taking everything in. I looked around after a minute. The sun was low on the horizon and was reflecting through the trees perfectly. It added a yellow glow to the many shades of greens that surrounded the lake which was reflecting the intense blue sky.

When I glanced back at the girl next to me she was watching me. Her mouth opened a couple of times, words failing her she settled on a smile that lit up her whole face. For a second her eyes weren't guarded or sad they seemed to actually light up with content happiness.

"Thanks." she said after a moment, returning her gaze to the lake.

We sat at the edge dangling our feet in the cool water. The yellow that had been shining through the leaves slowly faded, being replaced by an intense orange that glowed behind the silhouettes of the trees. I started a small fire while Naomi unfolded a thick blanket I had packed.

"I talked to Katie...after you left."

"Yeah." Naomi tried to reply casually but she snapped her eyes shut when I said Katie's name. I remembered her doing the same thing earlier like she thought if she closed her eyes and couldn't see it happening maybe it wouldn't be happening.

"She didn't mean to come off the way she did…I don't know, supposedly she is 'trying.' Said it was just a bit of a shock and then said I was lucky it wasn't mum…which I guess she is right it was careless of me to not lock the door. Not that I'm defending her because she had no right..."

There wasn't really a response to the Katie situation. Fine she was trying, fine she was surprised to find Naomi in my bed, fine she was trying to protect me more from Mum. But I couldn't help thinking maybe if she stopped _trying_ so hard and just remembered that I was still Emily maybe the whole thing would just be normal.

We had agreed to plan a time in the near future to go out with my friends which were apparently becoming _our_ friends. Which I was still deciding how I felt about that, having to share yet another aspect of my life with her. But there was still that bit of hope that maybe if she was around me and my friends she would see I was still the same as before.

Naomi gave a slight nod. Though I was pretty sure she was doing that thing where you are actually really lost in thought but give some form of movement to make the person think you are still invested in their words. My suspicions grew a little more solid when she gave another nod despite the fact that I had stopped talking some time ago.

"I didn't mean it you know. The…the robot thing…"

"It's fine Emily." It was very clear by her tone she _did not_ want to discuss this even though it was _very_ far from fine.

"No, it's not, not at all actually. I just…I just meant that one minute you are all facts and then the next…when you aren't thinking or trying so hard…you're really rather…"

"Weird? Awkward? Numb? Annoying?" She listed off the words as if to aide me.

"Lovely? Brave? Smart? Gorgeous…"

"A googol is the number one followed by one hundred zeros."

That ended the conversation, not awkwardly or because either of us were annoyed. It just ended. I lit a spliff, a gift from Cook, and Naomi sipped from a bottle of vodka. It was now dark all around us except for the small glowing fire. The night was clear and I couldn't resist lying down to stare at the stars that were usually hidden in the city.

"When I was little I thought that when people died they became stars. Like their souls or whatever…my mum was explaining to Katie and I that our grandmother was gone to heaven. She explained it…but I don't know…for some reason I just became convinced that the souls she was telling me were in heaven were actually the stars…" I felt silly telling the blonde this childish theory but she seemed to be listening intently.

"I was positive that just because someone died physically didn't mean their minds or souls or whatever did. That they were still burning bright despite being betrayed by mortal bodies. I also thought falling stars were old souls deciding to come back to new bodies…" The night air was still and we both continued to stare at the stars.

"Silly huh?" I said when she continued staring blankly.

"If you started counting all the stars in the sky it would take about 6,341 years."

I couldn't stop a smile from breaking across my face. It never seemed to fail, making me melt inside that even though she didn't know what to say she still said something knowing I was nervous about the silence she was so comfortable with.

"There is a theory that we are all actually made from a bit of stardust. Because things like oxygen and nitrogen atoms were created from exploding stars. And since we are made up of such atoms we all technically have a bit of the stars in us…" It felt like Naomi was talking more to the sky than to me.

"So stars have died so we could live?"

She just shrugged her shoulders in reply. I watched as she started to fidget with the sleeve of her jacket there was obviously something she was worried about or wanted to say. I watched her open her mouth a couple of times before gripping the sleeves tighter and closing it again.

"Something wrong?"

"wantterkisougan." The words were spoken so fast and quiet at first I wasn't sure she was speaking English.

"I am really sorry Naoms…but come again?"

She winced at my request. I waited another minute still trying to translate her sentence before sitting up and facing her. Keeping my eyes trained on the small flames so she didn't feel pressured to answer. Hoping that by not adding pressure she would eventually repeat what she had said.

After another minute Naomi sighed, sat up, and closed her eyes.

"I…I…"

"It's okay Nao-" It was difficult watching someone struggle with themselves. I didn't want her to battle herself just to satisfy my curiosity.

"I want to kiss you again." This time the words, though delivered just as fast, were unmistakable.

I realized my mouth was hanging open and snapped it shut. Quickly trying to compose my shock at her bluntness before she opened her eyes. Knowing she would probably take it the wrong way.

"And you…haven't because...?"

"Shouldn't want to…"

"Why's that?"

I was tired of her constantly fighting what I wanted so desperately. What I _thought_ she wanted as well. But before I could become too annoyed I felt Naomi's lips on mine. The contact was light and hesitant but I'll be damned if I waste the potential last time I had the blonde's lips on mine with fear filled kisses.

Tangling my fingers through her hair I gently guided her closer to me. Pulling her deeper into the kiss I heard her groan slightly which made me smile against her lips. But the noise seemed to snap Naomi out of the moment.

I slowly opened my eyes half expecting to see Naomi's retreating form on the path. Instead my eyes were greeted with deep blue eyes. The best part of the blue was that not only were they darker with want, there was no fear in them. The lack of fear and anxiety coming from the blonde confused me even more. Almost to the point that I felt like _I_ should be panicking.

"Just don't…" she bit her lip looking at my hand which was rested on top of her own. "Just don't let me…get lost…"

"Naomi Campbell of course I won't-"

Her lips hit mine again so hard I leaned back from the impact. But her lips chased my own until I was practically laying on the floor. Laying…with Naomi practically on top of me…Naomi kissing me…while I was partially pinned down by her weight. My mind was attempting to process all of this before saying fuck it and just letting my body react.

I gripped at her shoulders pulling her even further down with me. This was the first time we were this close and Naomi wasn't rigid and holding back. Her hands were roaming just as much as mine, when they were usually held close to her own body for the illusion of that safe extra barrier between her and the world.

She pushed at my hips which I realized were seeking some kind of friction and she was holding them steady. I pulled away disguising my embarrassment by taking gulps of much needed air. When she caught my eye she bit her lip trying to hold back a smirk.

It didn't slow Naomi down in the slightest she simply trailed kissed across my jawline before placing more open mouthed kisses on my neck. Then she hesitantly pulled away looking suddenly sheepish. This time I acted repeating her movement before finding her pulse point and biting it slightly.

We continued kissing for a while even removed our shirts. It was the first time I had seen her scars. One long vertical line traveled halfway up each of her forearms. I could tell they had been deep because of how raised the scar tissue was. It was still slightly pink or maybe it was just because her skin was so pale that they stood out.

The kissing continued. It was Naomi who pulled away first. Naomi's expression turning to disappointed confusion for half a second before becoming blank. Very flushed but very blank.

"If we don't stop I'm not going to want to." she sighed.

"Fair enough." I looked back at the sky.

"It's not like…it's not that I don't…" Even in the dim lighting I could see her blushing.

"Another time." I smirked smugly. "To be honest it's quite satisfying just knowing the feeling is mutual." I winked causing Naomi to smiled.

"We can stay though? Right?" she asked as she settled next to me. "For the night? We can stay?"

"I'd like that." It was taking everything in me to calm the coiled heat in the pit of my stomach. Repeatedly telling myself not to push her.

I felt Naomi's fingers tracing the scars that laced my arms. It didn't really seem that she was even aware she was doing it. But it didn't feel threatening like it normally would knowing someone knew, it was kind of comforting. Almost like she was trying to soothe the cuts even though they had healed.

"Why this one?"

"Hmm?"

"This one, is there a story?" her tone was more timid the second time she asked.

"Would it be kind of sad if I didn't really know a specific reason for half of them?" It felt like a pretty sad thing to say. But I _did_ know the reason behind the one she was asking about.

"Maybe one day you can explain the thought process." She wasn't pushing me for information just offering to listen if I ever felt like talking, it kind of reminded me of Cook. Though for Naomi it earned her another kiss.

"Or maybe we can trade stories." I wasn't asking for anything either just offering to take some of the weight her memories seemed to hold knowing I couldn't help her thought process.

"Maybe."

I fell asleep against Naomi's chest listening to her heart racing. Our legs tangled together with the blanket creating a comforting braid of warmth. One of her arms rested on her stomach the other wrapped loosely around my shoulder.

Her breathing evened out first. My last thought before falling asleep was how wonderful the future would be if I could fall asleep and wake up with Naomi Campbell always.


	11. Chapter 11

I do not own skins.

* * *

Naomi POV

I woke up first which was equal parts good and bad. Good because I got to sit and savor just a little more time with the amazing girl next to me. But very bad because it gave me time to think and analyze that there was a girl next to me. Not even the rock digging into my hip could persuade me to move even slightly for fear of waking her.

In the end I didn't stay, couldn't stay. Emily was too...good. She just kept making me fall for her and I couldn't let that happen, I knew that dark thing inside me _wouldn't_ let that happen. The second she opened her eyes it would kick start my heart again, it was just fact that Emily awakened something great in me. But by feeling that warmth something else in me woke up to shut it all down.

So not wanting to taint the memory of last night with a morning of drama I got up to leave. It nearly split my chest right open leaving her there. Not even taking a glance back knowing if I did my resolve would fade. This was what was best even if neither of us wanted it to be.

Emily didn't follow me, even though I heard the rustle of leaves and crunch of dirt under her footsteps. It took three days for her forgive me enough to attempt contact.

_Be brave. -Ems xxx_

Another added day for me to forgive myself enough to respond.

_Wanting something and actually having it are very different things. I can handle the hopeful dreams not the..._

That was all either of us said on the subject. We didn't talk about what happened at the lake or what it meant. It was the best and worst thing that has happened lately. Not just because at one point I had a half naked Emily under me, the talking was perfect. Just simple conversation was coming so naturally from me and I knew it was all because of Emily. But in the morning before I got the better of me just being in her silent company was amazing.

But now I was feeling slightly claustrophobic standing with the group. It was getting quite hard to concentrate having five other people so close. But I couldn't seem to just walk away, behind me was a wall and to my right stood Emily and to the left Effy. At the risk of sounding paranoid, I suspected that they were conspiring together in a plot to keep me here. Focusing on potential escape routes seemed to be having a calming effect so I continued.

"-fuckin memory of a goldfish you got there Freds! The quiz at the pub is tonight!" Cook said pushing at Freddie's shoulder.

"Actually their memories can last as long as three months." I corrected out of habit. Though I only realized I had said it out loud when I suddenly found five pairs of eyes staring at me.

"Perfect." Cook said grinning at me. "Gay-J here can't make it tonight and you my little popsicle stick are coming to Uncle Keith's pub for trivia night!" He finished with a howl.

"I…uh…popsicle stick?"

"Settled then we're goin'."

I felt pressure on either side of me. Not the usual pressure I expect when panic is settling in, crushing everything around me, but actual pressure. Effy squeezed my elbow slightly before rubbing my arm in attempt to comfort me. And Emily had laced her fingers through my own and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"Cook." Effy's voice though calm had a commanding effect and stopped Cook in his tracks. "First of all popsicle sticks are _jokes_ it's those Snapple caps that have facts on them. Second Naomi doesn't have to go anywhere she doesn't want to."

"Blondie's alright yeah?" Giving Cook credit he did sound legitimately concerned.

Surprising Effy and Emily and most of all myself I gave Cook a quick nod before pulling both girls in his direction.

"Groups of three Cook." An older guy yelled to Cook.

"Freds and I are not playing Keith." Effy responded casually.

"First question," Keith announced to the pub. "What is the capital of Goa."

I smirked to myself because that was easy though potentially quite hard to everyone else. The probably smug look on my face was wiped clean when I glanced up and found Emily, Cook, and Freddie staring at me expectantly.

"Don't stare at her." Effy said not looking up from the bracelet she was twisting around her wrist. "If she knows she will answer but not if you stare."

"Sorry." Emily whispered shaking her head slightly as the tips of her ears turned bright red.

"Panaji." I stated ignoring both the apology and the blush that had taken over my own face though surprisingly not from the stares.

They all looked up at me again like I had eight heads causing me to shift uncomfortably.

"The capital, you wankers." Effy stated like they were all the ones with eights head or maybe no heads at all. "She is telling you the capital of Goa."

After the first question we fell into a well oiled machine for the remaining nineteen. And by machine I really mean Keith asked a question, everyone tried not to glance up at me, failed, and I would answer. I only didn't know one.

It was number sixteen which was: Who is the novel _Moby Dick_ dedicated to. It was Emily who broke the silence. Clearing her throat and glancing around sheepishly she answered "Nathanial Hawthorne."

She had mumbled or whispered answers occasionally either just after I did or at the same time throughout the quiz. Secretly it made me like her even more which I didn't really think was possible.

"Alright ladies and gents!" Keith announced after examining the various answer sheets people had passed him. "That's my boy Cook with the winning team free round for the lot of ya."

Cook collected the free beers grabbing two extra for Freddie and Effy which he didn't pay for either.

"Does Blondie drink?" Cook asked directing the question to Effy.

"She does…" I said taking my drink from him and gulping down half.

Effy sent me a warning glance. She hadn't liked me drinking anything since the first time I tried to kill myself, having used vodka to muster up the courage and then to down the pills. Every time since then my drinking had been done mostly in secret. I avoided her stare at first and by the time I did look it had become more of a glare.

"Bathroom." I mumbled to the others as I stood.

As I was splashing water on my face trying to keep the façade that I was actually okay with this socializing thing that was going on, the door to the bathroom thudded closed.

"Gotta think before you act Naoms." Effy spoke her warning this time.

"Don't want to think anymore Eff. That's kind of the point." I knew she had been monitoring my reactions throughout our time at the pub. Which means she knew that I had been in a constant battle between escaping through the nearest exit and passing out with panic.

"Want to head back-"

"No Effy, I want to be normal."

I brushed passed her ignoring her calling my name. There was no need to continue the conversation from there, I already knew how it would go. She would argue and scold me for saying I wasn't normal and I would stupidly state facts to avoid it all.

On my way back to the table I stopped at the bar. Anger turning into pure courage I ordered four shots of tequila without even stuttering to the barman. As I reached for the fourth Effy's hand took it and downed it quickly.

"That was mine you know…"

"Well if you're going to be a bit of a bitch you are at least going to buy me a drink so I can tolerate it." She motioned to the man behind the bar and he poured another round of beers which she carried back to the table.

"Everything okay?" Emily questioned when I flopped back down beside her glaring at Effy.

"S'fine." I mumbled trying to hide the slur of my words.

"Ooookay…"

And that is really the last part of being at the pub I can remember in an orderly fashion. I know that not long after Cook passed out some pills and I waited until Effy was getting more drinks before getting one for myself. I know that Effy, Cook, and Freddie went to a club not long after. And I know that I at some point managed to find myself in my room.

I was crashing, not only from the alcohol and whatever pill Cook gave me but also from my theory. Whatever height I attempted to climb onto happiness I was sure to gain enough momentum to fall at least twice as deep into the darkness.

"Effy said I just needed to get you here and you'd be fine?" Emily's sudden appearance made me jump. Though it probably wasn't so sudden since I knew she had been there in some part of my brain I was trying to ignore.

"It's all fine." I whispered.

Slouching over the desk pointlessly shuffling papers trying to ignore the sudden stinging in my eyes. Damning myself for not only get comfortable with letting Emily bring me up to something so good but also cursing the added height of the drugs.

I hadn't felt this down in a while to be honest. Sure I was either on the numb line or slipping a couple feet down but this felt too deep. I just needed to wait until morning, make it through the night. Just needed to let the drugs and alcohol leave my body and I was sure I could resurface with a bit of alone time.

My shoulders shuddered at the thought of the word alone. And I quickly sat down to hide the shaking in my knees. I felt Emily's hands cover both my own and she was tilting her head trying to catch my eye. My back straightened in an attempt to show strength rather than hunched over with the weight of defeat.

"What's wrong?" Her voice was so small and cautious it was like she thought the air might explode from the friction of too much sound. My only response was to release a shakey breath. "What…"

There is this ear splitting silence that occurs just before you want to tell someone something you have been keeping a secret for so long it has eroded a dark abyss into every inch of your being, stained every passing thought, tainted every second of your life. Your lungs ache to get it out, yet your vocal chords strain to keep it silent. You both avoid eye contact as if a glance might reveal everything.

A silence broken only by a deep sigh as you both wait patiently knowing whatever it is can't be rushed or the significance might get lost. And your stomach sinks like an anchor chained around your heart. And your heart finds comfort in the chain's embrace because it only wants to drown on the ocean floor if only to hide for one more minute from what your mind has yet to even phrase.

Your eyes burn as the tear ducts break like dams. In an impulsive decision to end the decade long drought that you now fight to prolong. Your pulse races as if it has finally found passion again, while your veins tighten because they know it's only running in fear. All your muscles begin to throb at the tension in the room. And your mind goes blank for the hundredth time as you attempt to sort through all the thoughts that flood in and out. As you try to form words into sentences with a forceful impact and a soft elegance that they will understand.

Words like _I love you. I miss you. I'm worried. Goodbye. _ They get tangled up in your heartstrings, hang from your ribs like gallows. Each word suffocating inside you as if they had a noose fastened around the syllables. Words that know they are better left to rot to nothing in the darkest parts of you than to ever see the light of the sun. So instead you sit across from each other listening intently to the silence that says more than any words that could be thrown into it.

I trusted that there were certain things I would probably never be able to tell the redhead. Not anytime soon at least…but that didn't mean my drunk brain wasn't going to break the silence around us.

"You hurt my heart."

She was trying to pry something from my hands. It was one of my drawings, the fiery red one. I tried to hold on tighter convinced that clutching that paper was the only remaining grasp I had on the edge of this cliff I found myself hanging from.

"You hurt my heart." It wasn't what I had meant to say but I needed to distract her from my hands.

"What?"

"You know in heart surgery when sometimes the doctor manually beats the heart trying to encourage it to start again?"

"No, but please continue."

"I think my heart is dead."

"Naomi you're heart isn't-"

"And you just keep squeezing it." I continued not wanting her to defend me from myself. I hated when people did that. I wasn't fishing for compliments or pity with my words I was just stating facts I believed to be true. My head felt heavy with all the thoughts I couldn't think of and it slowly hung lower and lower until it finally found a resting spot on the desk.

"You just keep squeezing it…" I repeated, more trying to verbally explain my thoughts to myself. "You just keep trying to resurrect a pulse Ems, and it fuckin hurts…there isn't enough space anymore. Every time I'm around you my chest constricts and I can't breathe...there's just no room for it anymore. The pulse doesn't fit."

I felt more than saw Emily shift away from me. _Alone_ my chest screamed and it seemed to echo all the way to my brain. In reaction to the warning call my brain decided the best solution was to grab Emily, keep her close. But to grab Emily I had to let go of the paper I was still clinging to. My own cold hands found her soft warm ones relief flooding me when she didn't pull away.

"Just listen." My voice was thick trying to hold onto everything. "You make my heart hurt-"

"Naomi…" Emily tried to take her hands back.

"But that means I have one." I quickly finished my voice finally cracking. "Black holes…take things in but never…I think I am…everything is wasted on me." I didn't even know what I was talking about, everything was trying to come out too fast.

This time Emily did remove one of her hands from my grasp. She brought it up to my face and I leaned into the touch. I felt her thumb wiping across my cheek leaving a trail of coolness. Slowly she removed her other hand and wrapped it tightly around my shoulders pulling me into her side.

"Right? I can learn to use it again…Right?" I didn't even try to hold the tears back anymore just ignored their existence, wanted to tell her to get the hell away from me. "I won't lose it again you'll keep track for me. Not lose me again...won't let them take me..."

I don't remember my eyes feeling heavy or my brain shutting down. The next morning I woke up on my bed. Alone. But I was okay with being alone again which was good and bad. Good because I liked to like being alone. Bad because that meant my brain had probably shut my heart down again.

Emily had left a note on the bed beside me: _Emily slept here :)_. I like to think she left it so that I knew I hadn't actually been lonely while I slept even if I had woken up alone. There was another note on my desk:

_The distance between the sun and earth is called an astronomical unit which is about 149,597,870,700 km. It takes about 8 minutes and 20 seconds for the sun's light to reach earth. Without the sun earth couldn't survive we NEED it's warmth and light._

_Even if we are never aloud to go near it we still need it. We'd die without it even if we didn't realize it right away. Sometimes it just takes time for things to reach each other but the warmth is always worth the wait._

_Oh and P.S. (which stands for Post Script) Yes I did cheat and look up those facts. Have a good day! ;)_

I spent the rest of the weekend in my room alone. I didn't eat and I didn't sleep and I especially tried not to think. I didn't want to remember the night at Emily's lake or anything I had ever confessed to her. I just wanted to go back to being alone I actually missed feeling lonely. Empty.

On Sunday afternoon I heard Effy and my Mum talking in the kitchen but neither of them came up. For once I wished they would. At some point I got a text from Effy saying her and my Mum were going to get some food. I didn't answer. Just waited exactly 8 minutes after the front door closed before I started ripping apart my room.

The first thing to go was everything on the desk. I sent it all flying across the room. Crumpling my latest miniature equations which all had at least one shade of red mixed into the coloring. They were emotion and I didn't need or want any of that.

From there I just started grabbing at anything that was in its place. Nothing was right so nothing should have been where it should be. When I ran out of things to throw and was mostly tripping over the chaos that now littered the floor I just stopped moving.

Looking around and around for what felt like hours feeling more and more helpless. I caught my reflection in the mirror that hung on the back of the door. Lost, empty, tired blue eyes staring expectantly back at me pleading for something. They made me feel more confused…more…

I didn't want to think about what my eyes were begging me to acknowledge. So I just started punching the mirror. My brain only registered the pain of the first blow. Only acknowledged the first break of skin as warm blood broke to the surface while I watched myself shatter to the floor.

I couldn't really feel my hand after that first blow. Convinced myself my brain disconnected it's perception of the nerve endings I was attacking because it knew I needed this. Finally showed some mercy for always failing to protect me from my thoughts. My knees hit the floor and felt a slight twinge as the shards of glass crackled under my weight. My hand mindlessly still trying to hit the door. The action seeming more and more desperate as my hand became less and less able to hold a fist.

When I finally paused to catch my breath between sobs I hadn't even realized had started, I glanced at my hands. One still perfect the other unable to move from the position it had finally rested on my lap. The pale skin was now raw and red the once well-defined knuckles bloody and swollen. Forcing the muscles into movements that were stiff and aching just to savor this moment, burn it into my memory.

It was pretty dark out that's all I knew about the time. I was laying on the floor staring but seeing nothing. Not the shattered glass or the blood that stained my shirt from my hand. I couldn't see the seventeen ceiling tiles or everything scattered across the floor.

I was blind to everything around me and it was all because of that stupid beating in my chest. Something new rising in me, I suddenly felt sick and leaning up suddenly I threw up all over a pile of clothes on the floor. This new thing didn't stop rising though, it was pumping through my veins, something I knew couldn't ever be contained again if I let it out. Something I was taught to forget, to never feel again.

So here I was again clinging to nothing trying to force the emptiness back into my chest. I felt haunted by my past. The present felt heavier with the burden of every wasted second that passed. The future was uncertain and distorted. These are the thoughts that planted my feet firmly back on the ground. That darkness slipping between my ribs settling back into my chest. It was deaf to words of explanation and void of all emotion.

The pulse that had been beating in my ears seemed duller. My brain became less distracted and my thought process seemed to kick back in. My thoughts began to channel surf, passing from one to the next before I could even be certain I was thinking at all.


	12. Chapter 12

Trigger Warning.

I do not own Skins.

* * *

Emily POV

My heart broke a little when she started rambling about black holes. I suspect that her heart was trying to open up while her brain tried to hide it with facts, I could practically see the struggle in her eyes. So it all came out as a mixture of the two. But what I got out of it was she saw herself as a black hole.

I understood a little better what she was always on about. I mean if she thought of her love as a black hole that sucked things in never to be seen again…no wonder she kept everything and everyone at a distance. She literally thought she was saving me by pushing me away.

But I thought of her more as a sun. Once you saw her you were kind of blind to everything else and she just kept you in orbit. I felt grounded around her. If only she could feel as reliable as the sun. If only I could be as sure that she would be there day after day keeping me safe and warm.

Naomi was still slightly drunk when I helped her to the bed. It was clear she wasn't really aware that we were moving at all. Still trying to contain her tears and control her breathing I laid next to her on the bed. She turned to face me and when I looked into those blue eyes which were slightly glazed over with exhaustion I saw a kind of desperation I had never seen before.

It was like she was willing me to understand and forget at the same time. There was no answer for her pleading eyes so I just opened my arms slightly in invitation. Naomi shuffled closer accepting the warmth of my embrace.

I just held the blonde waiting for her breathing to even out. I didn't sleep at all. And when morning came I didn't want to leave but I was supposed to have been home last night. Careful not to wake her I left the sleeping house as quietly as possible and made my way home. Though I noticed with each step I took away from Naomi's house I felt less like I was going home and more like I was leaving it.

After making a quick appearance at home for breakfast I made my way to Freddie's shed. I spent the day with my whole gang of friends and most of the night.

Cook mentioned that Katie had been around a couple of times with Effy. Before I could get mad at the news he explained that Katie actually seemed alright. That she seemed to be trying to understand things from my point of view. Since it was Cook saying these things I had to believe it. Cook didn't do the serious thing very often always hiding behind his tough funny man façade.

That night I considered that maybe Effy was right. As numb as I felt and as often as I used that as an excuse to tear apart my skin maybe I did just feel _too_ much. So much that I need to release some of it or explode. Just like Naomi calmed her chaotic mind with facts and equations. We were in fact opposites. She also said the other day that I needed to "stop avoiding my own shit by focusing on Naomi." I was avoiding dealing with some things but it was only because Naomi was more important to me.

Naomi didn't text me and I didn't text her. I figured she needed time, thought trying to make contact first would feel suffocating to her. She could barely seem to handle the world when she was just observing it from afar. Last night she wasn't an observer she had been a participant and it had taken its toll.

The combination of hanging out at the pub, alcohol, and her apparent feelings towards me had just seemed to bubble over. Not much because she held on well first to a piece of paper and later to me. As difficult as it was to witness it was actually kind of a relief. She had released some of the pressure which meant maybe she wouldn't explode as she had described to me once.

I couldn't afford to explode ever, so I just kept letting out steam. Now I contained all of the cuts to my legs which were always covered because I always wore pants. Lately it wasn't even the stress or depression or anything it was the memories. I kept thinking about this girl I once knew. How she had tricked me and how stupid I still felt for falling for it all.

But now I was stalling going down to the Fitch family dinner. I had heard the boy my mother invited arrive nearly 45 minutes ago. But I just didn't want to deal with it yet didn't really have the energy to act accordingly or as I was expected to.

"We'll get through it yeah? Not just tonight…" Katie was shuffling nervously in the doorway.

"Yeah…heard you've been going to the shed."

"Emily I was just…I've been wanting to…" She took a couple of cautious steps into the room.

"Cook has already defended your actions Katie." I mustered up a smile for her. "Said you "was tryin' t'make it right." But it doesn't matter Katie…even if you've come around and dad and James are fine…Mum is never…and if she ever sends me back to..."

"We'll figure it out Emsy…and this time all four of us will fight to keep you here."

I hadn't realized how close she was until she settled on the bed next to me putting her arm around my shoulders. The action felt foreign and weird but familiar too. I leaned into the touch a little more letting the comfort and my sister's assurance that things might work out hold me momentarily together.

It wasn't until she pulled away and we started to make our way downstairs that I realized why it felt familiar. My sister's actions practically mirrored my own actions with Naomi the other night. I secretly hoped that she had felt as comforted as I had just now.

Dinner went smoother than I thought it would. Full credit going to my dad and Katie who whenever my mom tried to focus the attention on me pulled the limelight to a different topic. The boy, Brandon, was nice enough but even if I were straight I probably wouldn't have been interested in him, even as a friend.

We settled in the living room after eating. I was contemplating how long was long enough to sit before I could justify just going to my room. It was already quite dark out and the conversation had lasted way longer than my interest in it. Most of the talking occurring between Brandon and my Mum.

I sighed again earning a warning glare from my mother. And a much angrier look when my phone went off twice in a row.

_ Naomi's. –Effy_

The second text said one word as well.

_Now. –Effy_

I jumped to my feet and the look on my face was enough to cause Katie to jump to her own. She looked ready for action, just awaiting orders.

"Uhh…Katie you were going to head out with…" I motioned to the boy standing next to her trying to remember his name.

"Joey." Now I knew my face was betraying the panic pumping through my body, Katie's voice remaining concerned instead of annoyed at the fact that I had forgotten her dates name for the fourth time that night.

"Can I get a ride?" I was already halfway to the door. "Now."

Less than fifteen minutes later I was knocking, no banging, on Naomi's front door. Gina answered with a strained smile.

"In her room love."

Her voice was full of something but I didn't wait to find out what it was. Taking the stairs two at a time and rushing down the hall to Naomi's door. Only then did I hesitate. It was worry that had shaken Gina's words. Pure worry. I lightly knocked on the door which creaked open a little at the impact before Effy swung it open, pulled me in, then shut the door more securely.

My mouth dropped open as my eyes adjusted to the dim light. The room was a wreck, completely trashed. Nothing remained on the desk, the closet was practically empty, and all of the once alphabetized books were scattered across the floor.

I shuffled on the spot my feet had frozen at causing something to crunch. Looking down my shocked expression reflected back at me from some larger pieces of mirror. Quickly I closed my mouth and composed my features sending Effy my best _what the fuck _look while remaining concerned.

"Hasn't moved since I got here." She answered.

I glanced down at Naomi who was kind of sitting up leaned against her bed. Her face was completely blank. She gave away nothing. There was no anger, anxiety, sadness, just blank staring.

"Won't talk either, which normally wouldn't really be a cause of concern but…" Effy gestured around the room with her hands.

"Why did you-"

"This one…this time…I think for once I would do more harm than good." Effy opened the door again. "Obvious isn't it?"

She left the room not waiting for my protests or questions. The glass crunched under my feet again as I attempted to make my way to the blonde. After maybe two steps I stopped trying to avoid stepping on anything and just kind of trudged through it all.

"Naomi?"

Nothing.

"Naoms?" I said a little more forcefully.

Still no reply.

"Alright." I breathed out more to myself than her.

I pushed a couple of books aside and sat down careful not to touch her. We sat like that for a good half hour. I never caught her even blinking and found myself greatly relieved every time I saw her chest move signaling another breath had been taken.

"Uhh…" I couldn't think of any facts, couldn't think of anything at all. "I don't know Naoms, only fact I know right now is how worried I am about you…"

She adjusted her hands to pull her knees closer to her chest. Her hand was hurt, I didn't try to touch it, she probably didn't even want me to actually see it. I left the room and got a first aid kit from under the sink in the bathroom. When I returned Naomi was sitting on the edge of the bed but still blankly staring at nothing.

"You know how you told me things so I would tell you things." Still nothing. "It really helped me open up. It…It really helped me…you helped me…So maybe we could try that now. Solidarity with this…"

I gestured at her hands but still not daring to get too close to the injury. When I looked up from the bloodied knuckles her eyes were staring right through me. Like she was trying to figure out what the hell I was on about by reading my mind.

"I'll let you bandage me up if you let me take a look at your hand."

Her eyes slowly traveled from my eyes to her hands. Moving them like she only just noticed she even had hands at all let alone a bloody bruised one. She just stared and I was scared to interrupt her thoughts worried I would break her concentration on processing whatever she was processing.

"Hey." I hoped for those eyes to meet mine again, and they did. "We don't have to talk about it…but you need to let me look at that."

"You first then." She challenged.

Being honest I had actually hoped she was lost enough in her thoughts to not actually hear what I was saying. The offer was serious but I hated anyone ever seeing my own injuries. Knowing was one thing but actually seeing the chaos marked across my skin was another thing completely. But since I was standing in her chaos right now it didn't seems so horrible.

I removed my jumper and the long sleeved shirt I had under that leaving me in only a tank top. A shiver traveled up my spine despite the warmth of the room. Bravely and confidently holding out my left arm which had the newest cuts, having broken my more hidden tactics lately. I was hoping my apparent willingness would help her gain some confidence when it was my turn to bandage her hand.

Eyes fixed on the knots of my shoelaces I waited but Naomi still didn't move. Looking up I finally saw that her once blank icy stare was fixed on my face. They examined my arm then met my eyes a couple of times. Each time the depth of her blue eyes increasing as they melted with realization and concern.

Finally after ten minutes she pulled my arm closer by tugging on my wrist. I shivered again and rested my head on her knee staring at the floor. There wasn't much to clean from the three cuts. They were quite deep but probably filled with dried blood and maybe a couple of fuzzies from my shirt.

A quick cool sting tingled on my skin as she dabbed at my arm with the alcohol. Then she simply had to wrap my arm a couple times with the gauze and finish with a piece of tape. Naomi didn't say a word while she worked it was the only time since I arrived that I was happy with the silence.

Even though I knew she was done I didn't move from her knee. I didn't take back my arm just adjusted it to rest on her leg. When I did finally look up Naomi shifted her eyes quickly away from my own. Not taking offense or reading into it I reached for her hand.

"Not yet Ems…" Her injured hand forming a fist that broke some of the cuts back open.

"Naomi." My voice was a warning but my eyes were now pleading.

"Just…"

"I'll wait."

I shifted my weight away from her and sat on the floor directly in front of her. Throughout the next hour the only movement from either of us was Naomi opening and closing her injured hand. I stopped myself from trying to stop the movement that was causing her to bleed again. Kind of knew that she was savoring the ache the movement brought.

But that was all I was willing to give her, one hour. After that I moved towards her again and this time when I reached for her hand she didn't pull away.

As the blood was cleaned away the bruises became more defined. It was possible something was broken or fractured but for now I carefully wrapped her hand figuring it would be for Gina and Effy to get her to the hospital. I just had to get her functioning again, if I had interpreted Effy's words correctly.

The newly bandaged hand gripped at my retreating hand. Neither of us moved the only contact between us being our joined hands.

"So did it help?" I whispered.

"What?"

"Seriously? You are _seriously_ asking me what?" I glanced around us.

"It was…cathartic…" She smiled wearily looking down at our hands.

"Feeling better then?"

"The shortest war in history lasted thirty-eight minutes." Her voice was shaking like it did the other night. "I sat and argued with myself for hours…only took me thirteen minutes to get the room in this state…probably punched that door for another ten minutes. Effy and my Mum came up a couple hours later…"

Suddenly her hand was pulled from mine and she leaned away bringing her knees back to her chest. I didn't argue but my hand instantly missed the warmth. Naomi was lost in memory picking at the bandage I had just secured on her hand. The blonde seemed so far away I wasn't sure she would hear me even if I could think of something to say.

Not ten minutes later she tugged at my hand as she laid flat on the bed indicating I do the same. We lay almost exactly as we had the last time I was here.

"Can we just…stay like this for a bit?" her voice barely a whisper.

"Yeah. That sounds perfect…for a bit."

And so we just laid there for an hour. Her hand in mine with her head resting on my shoulder. I could feel tears hit my bare shoulders but I did nothing to stop them.

"Met Effy at the hospital. My dad convinced my Mum to have me committed before he fucked off…" She was speaking her memories but not really to me.

"She had swallowed a lot of pills…But she wasn't mental, not really…just had a moment of desperation…Needed to stop seeing and hearing and _feeling_ everything for a bit...Effy sat with me every day for the three days she was there…neither of us said a word. But then she left…"

"Did no one else visit?"

"She came back a week later to visit. Visited every day after that for at least an hour. Every day for the remaining forty-seven days I was there. Mum never did Dad said if she visited she would want to bring me home…Effy kept her updated or so they tell me. I didn't speak a word for the first seventeen days and she didn't ask me to…The doctors were horrible…one guy was…I think Eff knew things…that's why she kept coming back…"

There were so many questions swirling in my brain. But the moment seemed fickle like a simple breath could extinguish it.

"Do you think they'll send me back." She whispered weakly.

"Back where?"

"Hospital…"

"Doubt it…though you should probably have your hand checked out…when you feel up to it…"

"I'll go now if you come with...just don't let them try to keep me..."

Didn't need to think over that offer I instantly got to my feet offering my hand to the blonde.

"Come on then."

Effy and Gina talked in the car as if nothing had happened. Naomi making comments here and there. But it wasn't like one of those times where there is an elephant squished against us all, making us struggle for every passing moment.

Naomi had "slipped" as Gina had mentioned to me while Effy walked Naomi to the car. Now she was actively trying again, coping, that was all that mattered for now. As long as they could get her to try they were sure with all our combined help she would be fine.

She needed a total of eleven stitches on her hand. An x-ray revealed two broken bones and one fracture. Seeing Naomi sat in that hospital room was the most uncomfortable I had seen her yet. Every time a nurse or doctor entered the room she flinched. And between visits she was fidgeting and tapping her foot anxiously or up pacing the room.

When they came to set the bones back in place Effy and I stepped outside. I watched through the window and she didn't flinch once through the whole process. After, Naomi visibly relaxed so maybe some of the discomfort she displayed earlier was just pain.

"It's the doctors." Effy answered my thoughts as she returned to the room.

After they wrapped her hand in a splint we all went back to the house and watched shit television and drank tea. Naomi was the first to fall asleep, Gina left a little while after stating that she was too old to be falling asleep in chairs. That left me with Effy and her knowing glances constantly analyzing me.

"Not your fault Emily."

"I didn't-"

"You were thinking it." she stated simply. "You pushed her emotionally and that was good. But this…this was a long time coming. It's happened a couple of times since she got out of…that place. Not the hand thing but the room tornado."

"But even you can't deny I pushed her…"

Effy didn't comment and I didn't continue. I don't know who fell asleep first when I woke Effy was gone back to her's to get ready for college.

"Naomi's just gone up to her room love." Gina called from the kitchen doorway. "You can catch a ride to school with Kieran if you'd like."

"Probably just going to…not go…" It was a statement but also a question.

"Secrets safe with me. Cup of tea?" With a wink and a smile she turned back to the kitchen.

"Maybe I'll just…go check on Naoms first?"


	13. Chapter 13

I do not own Skins.

* * *

Naomi POV

My first thought when I woke up was _someone is watching me_ which was closely followed by _Fuck's sake my hand hurts._ To distract myself from the latter I scanned the room with blurry eyes. There, in the kitchen door way stood Effy, a cup of what I assumed was coffee in her hands and a smirk on her face.

"Works every time." She sighed into her mug.

I glanced at the sleeping redhead at the other end of the couch. Wondering how it was possible for someone to curl themselves into such a small ball. Silently I followed Effy into the kitchen.

She was sitting at the table sipping at her coffee. I knew it was coffee now because the smell filled the kitchen. There was already a cup on the table opposite her.

"Just the way you like." Effy said motioning for me to join her.

"Don't want to talk." She had to know this before I agreed to sitting.

"You aren't going to talk."

I nodded settling into the chair.

"You're going to listen."

That earned her the Campbell eye roll. But I stayed cautiously sipping at the hot liquid. Effy started talking when I was halfway through my drink.

"Emily blames herself you know."

I could feel Effy's eyes on me but I didn't look. This was her conversation not mine. But she didn't say anything else not after five minutes or another ten after that.

"I have to swing home before classes. I'll stop by and get your assignments and we'll spend the night together yeah?"

"That'd be great."

I followed her into the hall. She made for the front door and I headed for the stairs. Effy opened the door but didn't walk through.

"She's not the only one Naoms…"

"What? Don't be ridiculous Eff." I defended her.

"I saw you at the pub. You were stressed…filled up…but your eyes were trying so hard to remain empty…I knew…I should have known you would try to be hollow again…"

"Eff it wasn't-" Effy didn't wait for me to defend her or explain my actions.

"Talk later. I'll be late." And with that she left the house.

For the next hour I stood in the middle of my room. I had every intention of putting the room back together but it just didn't seem quite time yet. So I just stood in the middle of the room surrounded by my chaos.

"Could help you like if you like?" Emily's voice brought me out of my thoughts. "Sorry figured you'd have heard me come in."

"It's fine…you'll be late for college…"

"Skipping the day. So you just going to stand there or…" I in fact just continued to stand there. "Want me to go?"

I did actually. It felt horrible having her in the room seeing what a mess I was. Knowing that she knew that I had fallen over the edge.

"Nerve impulses to and from the brain travel as fast as two hundred and seventy-four kilometers per hour." I offered.

"I can go."

"You can stay."

She giggled when we spoke at the same time. I stared at her awestruck by the glow that settled in her eyes from the laugh.

"I don't really know where anything goes…but I do know that you alphabetize your books by author…so I could do those." Emily was still stood in the doorway like there was something physically keeping her from entering the room.

"Right...have at it then."

I still didn't move. I just stood in the middle of the room and watched as Emily gathered the books and piled them closer to the bare bookshelf. She had filled one shelf before I started gathering the things I had thrown from my desk. Starting with all my drawings which I tried almost desperately to flatten.

"Could iron them a bit." Emily suggested not looking up from the title she was reading. "Have you read all these?"

"Yes."

I forced myself to move on from the task of flattening the papers. Placed them in order then picked up the rest of the items and moved onto the clothes.

It took little over an hour to clean and put everything in order. Everything always took longer to put back together than it did for it all to fall apart. Emily finished the books first and sat on the bed the remaining time staying out of the way.

When I finished sweeping up the last of the mirror I sat at the desk facing away from the bed. The amount of concentration I was putting into not thinking about the redhead currently sitting on my bed probably could have powered all of Bristol if it could be harnessed.

We both spent the day doing a mixture of coursework and random nothings. Emily found a copy of _The Count of Monte Cristo_ and started reading it after mum had brought us lunch. I spent the time drawing and stealing hidden glances at her.

I was grateful that I could spend the day alone but not lonely. It almost felt like Emily was guarding me though. I wasn't sure if it was really for my sake or her peace of mind, either way it kind of bothered me. It bothered me because I found myself liking that she cared.

It's late afternoon when Emily finally gets up and approaches the desk leaning against it. I feel my muscles from head to toe tighten. I worry that they have constricted around my heart which is beating fast and feels severely strained.

"Hey…" Emily said nudging the leg of my chair. "What…what happened…uhhh what's happening?"

"Well which is it past or present?" Yeah I was playing dumb like that would really stop the conversation.

"Both? Maybe?"

"Nothing. Everything is in order…all is well." I gave a forced half-hearted smile.

"So we are just going to pretend that we didn't just spend nearly an hour putting this room back together. Which might I add you had to do _one_ handed. _And _to really put the icing on the cake this is back."

"What's back?"

"_This_." Emily shifted and I stiffened. "_That!_"

"That's nothing new Ems…" I defended.

"Fine."

"Sorry…"

"I'm gonna go."

"Em-"

"It's _fine_ Naomi. Effy will be here any-"

As if summoned by her name Effy walked into the room.

"Interrupting something?" She asked after a quick glance at the two of us.

"No I was just leaving."

"Em-" I tried again at her retreating form, she didn't stop.

Kieran brought home take away pizza and we all ate in the living room watching a documentary on global warming. After the film ended Mum and Kieran headed to bed leaving me with Effy's _I said we would talk later and later has arrived_ stare.

"So what happened with Emily?" She started.

"Cleaned my room…" I mumbled into my palm.

"Oh this will be better than I thought a blush _and_ avoidance."

"We kissed."

"Yeah but you've done that before." Effy countered grabbing my attention.

"How did you…" I had never told her about the day I kissed Emily on the beach.

Effy answered my confusion with a glance and slight raise in her brow. _Can read you like a book Naomi Campbell._

"Whatever." I sighed returning my attention to the coursework I still hadn't finished.

"So what was different between them?"

It was clear I was not getting out of this discussion so I slammed my book shut. Effy had to know not only to settle her curiosity but to calm the guilt she felt for missing a change.

"Nothing…it was…longer?"

"Did you…?"

"What?"

This time the raised brow was accompanied with a smirk.

"No! No…no."

"Oh…but you definitely wanted to."

"Stop reading me!" I snapped attempting to distract her from my flushed skin with anger.

"So the kissing was too much?"

"No…liked the kissing."

"Well then out with it." She was getting impatient which was a rare occurrence.

It was even rarer that I actually had information Effy couldn't get out of me. Her impatience and curiosity was rather entertaining to be honest.

"It's actually easier than I thought it would be…"

"The kissing?"

"No. Well yeah. The physical stuff…"

"Okay."

"Okay? You don't want me to continue?"

"No need."

"Care to enlighten me?"

"Naoms you have so many walls built in that head of yours it's no wonder you're constantly getting lost. And I think that you distracted Emily from picking apart that brain of yours…kept her from learning more or wanting to learn more by letting her get close to you physically."

A quick nod was enough to have her continue.

"And yeah you liked it, she liked it…but I think it kind of back fired on you…"

"How so?"

"Well by letting her in physically you shut down your brain allowing your heart to take control. Hearts are pure emotion, she probably got through more than physical walls just by kissing you. Read it in your eyes. But that's not the problem."

"A jiffy is 1/100th of a second."

"Naoms…"

"It's fine. I just don't want to talk about it anymore."

There was silence for a good half hour after I said that.

"I should be getting home anyway." Effy made for the door.

"Are you mad Eff." I always felt like people were mad at me. They only ever tolerated me or stuck around out of pity.

"Nope. Just tired."

"Of me?" I asked like the answer might destroy me.

"Don't be stupid." She turned to face me. "You did though didn't you?"

"Did what?"

"Feel it all."

I think my heart skipped a beat as I recalled what I had felt kissing Emily. Content, happy, confused, anxious, confident, relaxed, turned on, confident. My chest felt hollow at the memory of what I had felt the morning after when I remember how easy and nice the previous night was. How I couldn't feel it anymore, couldn't really even remember how it had felt.

I kept my distance from Emily for a couple of days after that. I needed the distance. Actually felt a little angry with the redhead for reminding me how good things felt. For reminding me that I did in fact miss good feelings. I felt suddenly nauseous my heart started beating faster like it was trying to make up for the moments it had missed while lost in memory.

Effy moved across the room returning to the bed. The movements distracting me from my thoughts. I watched as she got comfortable on the bed.

"I'm fine Eff. See you tomorrow yeah? Not like I can really miss more school."

"Right well tomorrow _we _will go to college together."

There was no arguing, I should have kept my mouth shut and my expression blank. Honestly I was surprised Emily, Effy, and Mum weren't all camped out in the room together. Something told me there wouldn't be a lot of alone time in my future.


	14. Chapter 14

Do not own Skins

* * *

Emily POV

Halfway to my house (I took the long way) I started thinking about how hesitant Naomi's voice sounded and how weak it had been. It kind of made me think any progress I had made with her was gone and I just wanted to know why. All day she had been silent or answering everything in question form. Maybe she was more asking herself than me, asking if she really wanted to answer me.

The rest of the walk home I spent wondering if Naomi's brain felt as cluster fucked as mine but for different reasons. When I get to the house all the lights are off. Though I hadn't called to say I would be gone so long and they were expecting me back by five they were asleep in their bed not even a slight worry troubling their dreams.

The hype I had felt the whole way home, from worrying over all the maybes and what ifs, had faded. The second the familiar smell of the house hit me, my eyes suddenly felt like anchors dropped into the open sea. It smelled like cleaning products that had been mixed with vanilla and maybe meatloaf from my parent's dinner.

I want to sleep but all I can think about is razor blades. Only two or three days ago I would have come home seeking the solace only they could give me. From the age of eleven to just a couple of days ago that was my routine. Good day, bad day, nothing day. After I finally "stopped" my parent's started calling it a phase. It was just a disgusting habit, something I grew out of hopefully along with that gay thing.

It didn't make me feel alive that's what a lot of people say, that it made them feel alive and solid. Maybe that was how it started but by the end I didn't feel anything. I was just doing it for the focus like how I've heard people find orgasms so appealing because for that moment your mind goes completely blank. That's what the point was for just a little while, all my thoughts were organized. I could think and try to understand. And you know what I found out? I don't want to fuckin' understand.

So one day I had organized my thoughts enough. I understood. I didn't want anything. Now maybe this was a side effect of cutting or maybe just of life. But suddenly I was indifferent. Not to be confused with not caring. I cared, maybe too much. I was just indifferent towards the outcome of anything. Rain/sunshine. Happy/sad. Company/alone. Life/death. It just didn't matter.

And so I started drinking on top of the cutting. This helped me forget, Cook unknowingly helped me forget what I had realized. But what happens when you fill something empty with liquid? It sinks. So now I was a drowning indifferent wreck.

So my friendship with alcohol didn't last long unless I was out with the gang. Now the only time I drank alone is to swallow a couple of sleeping pills. But tonight it was all about the metal. But it felt wrong for once because of Naomi. Naomi was now both the cause for me wanting to and not being able to. Not at all because Naomi had a negative impact. It was because she made me want to be better and be happier that I currently wanted to tear everything I had away.

I had only seen the aftermath of her breakdown but it was horrible. Just standing in the room with her I felt overwhelmed. Seeing what she felt and thought. The chaos and desperation it had taken to destroy her once well-kept room.

Now all I could think about was how my actions could potentially have an effect on her. If me being good to her was capable of that reaction what would happen if I was bad?

I didn't want to fail her.

The pressure of this made everything feel tight. Like I suddenly didn't fit right within my own skin. The feelings I felt for her made me feel huge. They were too massive to be contained within my small frame. But knowing she wouldn't or maybe even couldn't reciprocate those feelings…that gutted me, left me completely hollow.

And so I failed before I ever even started to really try.

The next day I couldn't face Naomi at school. Cook was the perfect distraction. I hadn't realized that I missed him so much, having barely spent time with him for the last two weeks. We were on the green smoking at the end of the day just catching up.

I choked on the drag I had just taken as my lungs heaved with laughter. Cook having finally come to the end of his long tale about his time in a club the previous week. He finished with a questionable gesture before howling in laughter. We both sighed at the same time to finish up our laughter which caused us to laugh more.

"So Red," Cook sighed again. "why ain't cha'with Blondie."

My eyes darted to him but I kept my face indifferent.

"Hey don't give me that look." He raised his hands in mock defense. "Don't get me wrong. I've missed the fuck out of ya…but Cookie can't deny he is feeling a bit used and not in the ways he wishes."

You had to appreciate Cook's methods of supporting his friends. He was Cook. Mr. I-don't-give-a-fuck-about-anything, always up for a good time, Cook. And though he kept the situation light with humor he knew something was wrong. So he offered his service in such a way that didn't make an answer mandatory.

"What if…I don't know…what if she can't handle me?"

"Seems to me she is quite smitten with ya." Cook said nudging my shoulder.

"You've seen us together what like once? Wouldn't say that is much to go on there Cookie."

"You'd have to be blind not to see the looks she gives you. The girl don't look at anything like she is one of those angel things on the blue box program Paddy was watchin'. She freezes when anyone glances her way yeah?"

I just laughed at his comparison of my lovely Naomi and a fuckin weeping angel.

"But sometimes I notice her get distracted by you Ems. She don't ever catch me catching her staring at you or she would probably never chance a glance again. But…fuck it. Take it from the Cookie Monster Red, Blondie likes you..."

"I will take that into consideration."

I leaned into his shoulder silently willing him to know his efforts were appreciated. After promising to go out with him later in the week Cook and I went our separate ways. His words replaying on my way to the house.

Even if Cook _was _right, and I did trust Cook not to tell me comforting lies, it didn't feel like it mattered as much as he meant it to. Fine, okay, she liked me maybe even a lot if my memory of the lake and Cook's sly detective skills were any indication.

But how long would _knowing_ she liked me or cared be enough? What did it matter if she was staring at me longingly if _I_ couldn't see it? If she couldn't show me ever and was it really even fair of me to think any of this? I wasn't exactly winning the award for most forthcoming. Sure I tried to explain more often but I always did it with way too many words and in a way that I barely knew what I was trying to say.

"Emily Fitch!" I stopped abruptly and turned in the direction I was called from. "Fuckin' hell I've been calling after you for like five minutes."

Effy continued at her usual pace until she stood right in front of me.

"I uhh…just left Cook? He was heading to Keith's I think." I offered unsure of why she practically hunted me down.

"Not looking for Cook or I would be in front of Cook right now and not you." This was apparently very obvious information.

"Ooookay…" she didn't start speaking just lit a cigarette. "Well what can I do for you?"

"Stop avoiding Naomi."

"I didn't…I wasn't…Today was just-"

"Yeah you were so busy eating chips with Panda at lunch and smoking with Cook after classes finished."

"Naomi doesn't own all my free time." I scoffed not knowing why I suddenly felt so annoyed when really all I wanted to do with every spare second I had was be with the blonde." She has made it quite clear she wants some distance."

"Yeah she wants distance but that doesn't mean she wants you to stay away from her you twat." There was actually emotion in Effy's voice and her blue eyes hardened.

"Cause that makes so much sense." It did make a lot of sense. Wanting to be alone with someone was something I was pretty sure everyone had experienced at some point in their life.

"Of course it does. Now go round to her's and keep trying." She started to walk away in the direction of Keith's. "Oh and Emily…Don't let her discourage you or doubt yourself again."


	15. Chapter 15

Naomi POV

I was late getting home. Well technically I wasn't late because there wasn't really a time I was meant to be home. But Mum was always waiting with tea around the same time every day. And after last Friday I could see the relief flood her eyes every time I walked through the door.

"Mum?"

"Kitchen love."

"No tea?" there was tea but only in her hands.

"Oh this is practically cold you are a bit late. Hour actually." Her tone wasn't scolding just stating an observation.

"Hmm…got talking to…a friend?"

"Interesting how many friends you seem to have all the sudden. There's one in your room waiting for you. And _I_ am going to meet that Irish bloke for a dinner date."

"Why would you let some random person in my room?" I said leaving the kitchen before she could answer.

"Your Mum let me in…" Emily quickly explained before getting off the bed.

"Okay." Why didn't I automatically assume it Emily. I mean really who else would it have been. Only Effy and Emily would have just had tea and talked with my Mum while she waited. That's right she had been actively ignoring my existence all day and was way more successful at it than I was. She interpreted my silence as a negative thing.

"I can just…go." It wasn't just an offer she actually left.

Throwing my bag down I settled against the desk. I didn't even have a chance to get consumed by my thoughts when the door flew back open.

"You can't just do this you know." Her voice taking on a tone much like my fact stating. "You can't just…have me one minute…want me for a bit…and then just be done…I'm not a tug of war rope for you to play with while you try to decide...I like you. A lot. I like kissing you or just getting to hold your hand those few time I've gotten to or getting to know anything about you. I even like your bloody fact stating…"

"Thanks?"

"But I hate…" she continued. "I _hate_ that it isn't the fact that I'm fucked in the head that scares you off…it's that I-"

"It's the male seahorses that give birth."

"Naomi…" I couldn't bring myself to even look in her general direction.

"Nutmeg is poisonous when injected into your veins." Neither of us moved. "Please Em…wait to finish that sentence…"

"How long exactly? And how long should I be expected to wait before you can say the same to me?"

There was a pounding in my head as I tried to think of a logical answer. How long could you ask a person to wait for you to be brave? But the more I tried to respond the blanker my mind went. Time was technically an imaginary concept. Something people created, another thing to waste and worry over. Why couldn't Emily just see that it was all there? That I was in fact giving it my all, why couldn't that count for more? Why did everything have to be about the collection of seconds rather than what we actually _did_ with them?

The dull thud I had been hearing stopped, taking my thoughts with it. I glanced down seeing Emily's shoes in front of my own her hand holding my bandaged wrist. I hadn't even noticed her moving or that I had been hitting the hand she now held against the edge of the desk. The rhythmic pounding continued on as a silent throbbing, growing steadily into a painful aching.

"Why did it take you so long to get here anyway?"

Emily tugged at my wrist directing me to the desk chair while she leaned against it where I had previously stood. She smirked tilting her head slightly patiently waiting for me to answer. If I had learned anything from reading the actual meaning of Effy's cryptic messages, Emily had just agreed to wait at least little longer.

"Had a chat with Cook actually." Her smirk slipped momentarily before returning. Was I not supposed to talk to Cook or was I not supposed to tell Emily that I had talked to Cook?

"Am I allowed to ask what about?"

"Well he didn't say it was a secret so I suppose you could." I answered not wanting to betray Cook but really not wanting to piss Emily off more by saying no.

"And?"

Her smirk was back and it brought a smile to my face as well. It felt weird, smiling, the muscles started to ache after only a few seconds. The expression was foreign but it couldn't seem to be stopped with Emily around.

"He invited me to hang out later in the week. Maybe go to a club or if I didn't feel comfortable with that we could just go to some shed…"

"That was…nice of him." Emily was clearly trying to find an alternate meaning to Cook's offer.

"Also said something about spending time with the group might help us stay together…add a couple stitches keep us connected when we try to pull apart? I don't know really, think he is spending too much time with Eff."

I tried to answer the confused expression on Emily's face. But I did know, Cook was rooting for us. Offering to be there for not only Emily but for me as well. Or at least that's what I thought he had meant.

"Tell me a fact Naoms." Emily changed the subject again.

"Fact? Fact about what?"

"Yeah, cause you always needed a specific topic…"

"I can hold my breath for one minute and seven seconds." She looked shocked for a moment then slightly impressed.

"Hmm…" she hummed thinking my words over. "I smoke too much, probably wouldn't even make it half a minute."

"You'd be surprised. I smoke quite a bit, and I still lasted sixty-seven seconds."

"When I was little I thought if I drank something really hot followed by something really cold a thunderstorm would happen in me…cause that's how my dad said they happened…hot and cold air colliding…" Emily blushed when I giggled at her admission. "Tell me something else?"

"Uhhh…Clyde Tombaugh discovered Pluto...oh fuckin hell." I groaned. "The only children's movie character to ever give me nightmares was the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland…I wanted to live in a hobbit hole until I was like twelve…"

"How long does it take you to finish one of these?" Emily was looking at the drawings on the desk.

"Don't know, never have."

"So you just like stop when you get bored with it?"

"No once I'm…over…things…"

"Things…this still the newest? This red one?"

"Mhmm." I didn't want to talk about it, hoped she wouldn't ask.

"This the first?" She asked pulling the bottom page from the stack.

"Mhmm." I repeated.

"What's it about?" Her fingers traced along the black lines occasionally skipping to the greys. I didn't answer. "Sorry…"

They weren't just equations to me. When I looked over the pages I could literally read my past thoughts, summon forgotten memories. Everything about them was personal…private things I hadn't even told Effy or my Mum. A coded secret language only I understood.

"Did it the third night home from the hospital…" I felt my muscles tensing and kept my eyes downcast. "Hadn't slept more than like three hours. Kept hearing his voice…just continued analyzing everything." I could hear his voice now.

I examined the page from over Emily's shoulder. Taking her hand in mine I brought it to the center tracing lines to the bottom right.

"No one was forcing pills down my throat anymore. So I could think clearer…feel again…No one was asking questions so my thoughts were mine again. I didn't have to make up responses or pick the right words. Not that I ever really talked to any of them." Followed a black line to the center left veering onto another grey one halfway there. "I can remember the first time I heard his voice…it was the last time I heard my father's…they were agreeing about _right decisions_…"

Emily stilled her hand from my guidance. I continued tracing lines, my hand hovering just above the paper unable to make actual contact with the lines, irrationally afraid to physically admit its existence, scared it might transport me back in time.

"That one," I pointed to a mostly blue page with some purple and green no longer able to continue talking about the black page. "Was a couple months later, after…I don't know who found me…" My hand stilled over the darkest point of the page all the colors swirling into a darkened abyss.

"This purple, yellow, and orange one was a time I was actively trying to be happier. You know try to be better for Eff and Mum, they deserve better, so I tried to put forth some real effort. It's hard on them I think…knowing me. Having to deal with me, thinking they need to watch over me and take care of me."

"It's the smallest." Emily observed.

"Didn't last long. It was rather tiring to be honest."

"The first time my mum found out about my…well I had kind of lost my head. It's funny," she hummed in dark amusement. "I can't even remember what it was over. I thought I was home alone, so ventured down to the kitchen probably for a snack. Ended up breaking three tea cups, four plates, and a bowl." She rolled up her left sleeve and pointed to one of the rougher looking scars closer to the bend of her elbow.

"Mum arrived home from work early. She didn't say anything, didn't try to question me at all, wouldn't even look at me. When she started to sweep up the glass I got up and left, stayed at Cook's for a couple of nights." Emily didn't continue she still stood with her back to me seemingly still staring at the desk.

"What happened when you got back?"

"Nothing." The word sounded harsh like it cut her to pieces to have to say it. "I expected there to be yelling or I don't know…a Fitch family hug…something. We had a new set of tea cups and Mum and Katie bought me a couple of sweaters. Though I don't think Katie knew why really."

"How old were you?"

"Maybe twelve or thirteen. A month after that my dad took me to a psychiatrist but it didn't last long."

"I hate them too."

"Wasn't really that. I guess when my parents went in to talk things over with the woman she implied that it might have something to do with them, my mother specifically. Which is weird cause I barely said a dozen words during the three times we had met. Mum didn't like that insinuation so no more sessions." Her tone wasn't bitter more relieved at the memory.

"So it didn't help at all?"

"I think the possibility that it _could_ have helped made me feel better than anything I actually got out of the sessions."

"Okay…"

"Like something to look forward to. I don't do it often but I think I might have had a little…I don't know…hope? I was hoping that she could make me better even if I wasn't admitting to even have a problem. I didn't really believe it...but I still hoped for it you know?"

I heard Emily yawn and felt her move to cover it even though I couldn't see it.

"You can stay again…if you like?" I offered.

"I shouldn't…" Her reply snatched a hopeful breath from my lungs I hadn't known I'd been holding. "It has gotten late though…"

"Just stay." I breathed out. Emily just nodded.

After Emily was changed into borrowed clothes she settled straight into the bed like it was her own. I took a quick shower before joining her. Her eyes were already closed and she didn't stir at all when I carefully lowered myself onto the bed.

"Just because I don't show it or say it…don't know how to…doesn't mean it's not there." Her breathing remained even. I spent the night still as stone staring into the darkness.


	16. Chapter 16

Self injury trigger warning.

* * *

Emily POV

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the glow of the alarm clock. 3:13AM. Without turning around I could sense Naomi was awake as well.

"You're awake." I stated softly.

"Pie."

"Pie?"

"3.14159, pi." She clarified. "The clock."

I turned away from the clock to focus my attention on the blonde. Even in the near darkness of the room I could tell she hadn't slept. Her eyes were bloodshot and the normally intense blue was hazy and dull, almost not blinking. And every time she did blink it was like her brain had to force them back open.

"You haven't slept." I tried to make it sound like a question but it was clearly a statement.

"Too tired to sleep." She said staring at the ceiling.

"Okay…" It seemed too scary to ask what she meant though I didn't really know where the fear came from. "You know for someone who stares at the ceiling so much it is rather blank."

"Just cause I'm looking at it doesn't mean I'm really seeing it…"

"You couldn't have just said I'm thinking?" Naomi just smiled. "Come on then."

"What?" Naomi asked once she realized I literally meant we were to get up. "Where are we going?"

"Are you going to sleep at all?"

"No." she answered while shaking her head.

"Then we are going to have breakfast."

"Did we not just determine that it was three in the morning? It's too early to eat." Naomi moaned trying to hide within the warmth of the covers.

"Stop whining." I tried unsuccessfully to coax the blonde from beneath the blankets. "Don't you want to have a nice breakfast with me?" I waited for her to react to my sad voice and was rewarded with her peeking out at me. That's when I put on my best pout and pleaded with my eyes for her to comply.

"Not fair." She grumbled throwing the blankets off of her. "You don't play fair Emily Fitch."

There wasn't much to the breakfast. Naomi went to work on preparing some eggs offering to make them any way I like. I started to cook some toast and poured two glasses of orange juice. We were both greatly disappointed at the lack of coffee in the house. We then returned to the now cold sheets of Naomi's bed and ate our food.

"Emily? Emily!?"

"What?"

"First I asked do you want to get a coffee before classes? Then I asked what you were thinking. _Then_ I said you're picking, stop picking." The blonde repeated exasperatedly.

"Oh…coffee is a _must,_ for sure. And I don't even know that I know what I was thinking about. Bit of everything?" I started to pick up my orange juice which reminded me of the last bit. "Picking?"

"Yeah," Naomi laced her fingers through mine cautiously guiding my hand away from my arm. "_Picking_."

"Sorry." I whispered trying to remove my hand from her comfort which I didn't deserve.

"Nope, it's mine." Naomi's grip tightened on my hand.

"Fine, keep it." I said indifferently though the heat I felt in my cheeks proved just how little my tone actually reflected my thoughts on Naomi _wanting_ to hold my hand.

I wanted to sit and stare at our joined hands and memorize how well they fit together but I didn't want to draw attention to it and have her pull away. So I kept my eyes wandering around the room, though not actually seeing much since my mind was focused on the warmth of her hand covering my own. It was only when that warmth slowly started to fade that I looked down to see just my hand.

"I was too late." She stated when she saw me looking confused she added. "You picked."

The confusion only deepened at her words. Trying to think of what could possibly be important enough to cause her to take her hand from mine. Naomi tugged at the sleeve of my shirt trying to draw attention to what she considered the important matter. A little stain of red darkened the grey material of my shirt.

I didn't move to inspect what was hidden under the shirt only pulled away. There wasn't really anything deep enough that I would bleed out or anything. It would just stop. Normally I watch it, as sick as that might sound. Wipe away the blood and watch it slowly resurface flooding the depth of the cut before spilling over.

But here with Naomi the last thing I wanted to do was acknowledge that I even had an arm let alone that it was bleeding. And I really didn't want _Naomi_ knowing or acknowledging such a fact. My apparent indifference seemed to push Naomi into action. This time I recoiled from her light touch.

"Emily." Her timid voice caused me to flinch worse than her touch. It killed me to do it but I ignored her. My mind going into silent defense. "How do you take your coffee?"

The question caught me off guard but it snapped me out of the silent battle we had been waging. The answer robotically tumbling from my mouth. "One cream, two sugars."

"Coffees on me…" Naomi said moving her hand to hover over the cuff of my sleeve. "But you know my condition."

"I don't need coffee."

"I do…" She was asking for something, it wasn't coffee, and I just couldn't turn her down.

"You do realize you are over reacting right?" I snapped. Just because I was complying didn't mean I had to be nice about it.

"Well then I will just have to sit through coffee with you, knowing that you know how irrational and foolish I have acted this morning."

It always shocked me a bit when Naomi didn't just sit idly by. Sometimes she would actually react to things. Mostly with a well-practiced eye roll but on rare occasions with words, sarcasm, which is actually kind of a weird thing to be surprised or impressed about.

I was still processing her retort when I felt Naomi tugging at the sleeve trying to be delicate while still getting the somewhat tight material to my elbow. The higher she pulled it the more I turned my head away like if I couldn't see it maybe she couldn't. Either way I didn't have to see her reaction though suddenly found I wanted to.

Of course curiosity won and I glanced back slowly so the movement wouldn't draw attention. There was no way I could meet her eyes, irrationally afraid they would reflect a deep redness. That the deep blue I had become so drawn and attached to would be tainted and stained.

Naomi was bent closer to the injury. Which just as I had expected was already mostly dry again. Her eyes slightly squinting in concentration. She adjusted my arm to try and catch better light. But there was no trace of the thing I had expected. There was no disgust or disappointment, not even anger or sadness.

"Satisfied?" I asked the still hunched over blonde feeling on edge at the lack of emotion in her action. Finding myself growing anxious and uneasy at her lack of response towards me.

"Not really." She responded shrugging as she released my arm. "Though I stand by my decision to check your arm and don't regret owing you a coffee and don't feel that I over reacted _at all_…There is nothing to be done to it."

"That it?" Couldn't she just hit me or yell or something?

"If I asked you to stop right now it would only put added pressure onto you. Which would probably just make you want to do it more and when you did you would just feel worse about it. So asking you to stop would be unfair and counterproductive. Do I like it? No. Do I approve? Not in the slightest. But…" She finally paused for a breath. "I _can_ understand it."

"I think that is possibly the most I've ever heard you speak without first analyzing every possible outcome your words could have." Not the proper response and yet the only one that came to mind.

"So…coffee..." At this we fell into silent agreement, accepting that neither of us wanted to be the topic of conversation.

We both started getting ready for the day. I borrowed some of Naomi's clothes to avoid having to go back to the house. The pants were slightly too long and I earned a giggle when I started rolling them up a bit.

Gina suddenly poked her head into the room apparently drawn by the sound of laughter. "Oh Emily love. That explains the giggle I just heard and the smile currently stuck on my daughter's face. Staying for breakfast?"

"Going for coffee." Naomi answered the smile faltering slightly like she was battling between wanting to keep it and discard it.

"Thanks though…for the offer." I added shyly. Gina smiled widely as her daughter's faded completely.

Getting coffee with Naomi was the last I really got to see of her all day. And we were still awkwardly trying to sit with the giant elephant in the room, so the conversation was mostly suffocated. But played off well with sips of our beverages and glances at the time to make sure we weren't late.

"Coming to the shed Ems?" Freds asked after class.

"Course she is!" Cook said as he joined the group.

"Course I am!" I replied mocking Cook's enthusiastic assumption.

We all headed off to the bus, Freddie and Cook taking turns poking JJ in the ribs enjoying the various squeaks they could produce. When we were almost there someone linked arms with me. Even though it obviously wasn't, my heart still sank a little with disappointment when I saw the wrong blue eyes lock with mine.

"Emily I'm hurt," Effy smirked not missing the flash of sadness. "What has my Naomi done now?"

"Nothing." I answered maybe too quickly.

"Then what have you done?" No answer at all this time. "You two are never going to make this easy for me are you?" She let go of my arm and turned to walk in the other direction.

"You're not coming?" I asked worried I had annoyed her into leaving.

"She already came." Cook added suggestively.

"Not today obviously," she responded to both Cook and I as she continued to walk away.

It was relaxing being at the shed where I was kind of just one of the boys. Or maybe it wasn't the shed that brought on the feeling of calm so much as the amount of weed we smoked there. The second we entered the room and the familiar atmosphere settled my…everything really. We all took our designated seats we almost always sat in and just chilled out.

"So JJ how's your girl?" Freddie asked as he breathed out a long trail of smoke.

"Girl?" I spluttered through the smoke of my cigarette.

"Lara. Yes, my girlfriend. I think." Blush covering his cheeks, I felt bad for choking at the information. "She's fine, lovely really."

"And what about you Emilio man?"

"What about me?" I asked turning to Cook.

"You know. You and Blondie."

"What about us?"

"You know the more you don't talk about the topic the more we know there is something going on. Avoidance is actually quite a big indicator that-"

"Right JJ. Thanks. But I'm not avoiding just genuinely conf-"

"You're telling us that you haven't been to the clubs, shed, or pubs becaaause….what? You've been studying? Having Fitch family time?" Freddie questioned simultaneously backing me into a corner.

"So what? We're friends. Friends hang out." I kept my voice low to keep the defensive tone undetected.

"No mate, we're friends. You and Naomi…I reckon that's more than friends-"

"Or at least you wish it was." Cook finished for Freddie with a wink.

"And you and Effy are what?" I asked in a feeble attempt to turn the tables.

"Fuck buddies." Cook responded confidently.

"But you _wish_ it was more." I threw his words back at him causing his smirk to faulted and earning laughter from JJ and Freddie.

As if we had both waved a white flag and maybe even reached a mutual understanding Cook and I both grabbed the closest bottles to us. We then started to drink the night away toasting to our newly discovered solidarity. Every step we took towards our girls seemed to actually take us two steps back.


	17. Chapter 17

I do not own Skins.

SI Trigger warning.

* * *

Naomi POV

I hadn't been home ten minutes when Effy let herself into the house wordlessly sitting on the couch next to me. I knew perfectly well this was her way of saying _I will sit here patiently waiting for you to start talking but you better make it fuckin' quick._

"You can sit there all night if you like. But there isn't anything to talk about." I said this as if I was doing her a favor, saving her some time. "Tea?"

"So there isn't one Emily Fitch, we could be discussing?" Effy cut to the chase ignoring my offer.

"Did something happen with you and Emily Fitch?" I asked feigning innocence.

"Naomi are you trying to..." she searched for the right word. "_argue_ with me?" I couldn't help but laugh at her genuine surprise.

"Not at all Eff. But stating random facts never seemed to entertain you so I figured maybe playing dumb would be more worth your time and effort." I stated.

"But you're still dying to say one aren't you?" she nudged me expectantly.

"It took about fifty years to complete the first Oxford English Dictionary."

"And were words such as…avoidance…denial…eluding…in it?" Effy smiled proudly at having used my statement against me.

"I don't know but I bet annoying, nosey, and irritating were."

"Shall we continue or do you actually want to talk about it?" Effy continued now watching me closely.

"If I remember correctly Effy, _you_ were the one wanting to _talk_ about _it._" I wasn't about to give her any more information than she already knew. She was definitely showing her cards before I showed mine.

"Well you two have been dancing finely together." Effy began in a tone that said she could go on for hours.

"How grand for us."

"But you are always hearing different songs." And she had already lost me. Effy quickly recognized the disconnect and continued. "You're okay, she's not. She's okay…you're not. You two are never anything at the same time. The two of you wouldn't have such a problem if you would just get it all into the air and start working together instead of trying to focus on each other while hiding your own shit."

"There is no problem." I mumbled to my shoes. "And there is no _the two of you_. We are separate. I'm Naomi. She is Emily."

"Good shag probably wouldn't hurt either." Effy continued both ignoring my protests while attempting to punish me for them.

It wasn't the talking about sex that was the punishment we did that all the time. It was the challenge to open up and move on from things. That was where Effy's punches were aimed and they hit their mark causing me to shift awkwardly into the couch.

"Talk about Cook." I said trying to get back on the offense.

"Casual shag." Effy stated mechanically.

"How long have you been repeating that to yourself?"

"About as long as you have been trying to convince yourself there is no Naomi _and_ Emily."

"Touché."

The conversation reached a standstill both of us now refusing to attack each other. We both already knew what we would say to each other so we just continued the conversation mutely with an occasional glance towards one another. Basically arguing with ourselves with the illusion we were defending our false truths to each other.

I eventually turned on the television just to have some sort of background noise to my thoughts. Effy shifted closer and rested her head against my shoulder. Which I interpreted as _Lets just admit we're both fucked_. I hoped by not pulling away she would understand we could risk the fallout of it all together.

When mum arrived home she made straight for the kitchen saying a quick hello on her way. Effy and I responded with halfhearted grumbles without moving from our current positions. She backtracked and watched us closely before leaning on the door frame expectantly.

"What?" I finally asked no longer able to take her staring.

"Well I can count the number of times I have found you two in this exact state on one hand. Not even using all fingers on that _one_ hand." She said matter of factly. "So I don't know Naomi, you tell me _what_?"

"That's not even true…" It was true.

"It's true." Effy stated in agreement with my thought.

"So what is it?"

"Potential love, Gina." I glared at her openness but let her continue. "It's kicking our asses midair and we are anticipating the inevitable crash landing."

"I'll get some wine." She said continuing her previous path to the kitchen.

"Mum?" I called not really sure why.

"And something stronger for Naomi." She called back.

"We're going out tomorrow." Effy declared while we waited for my Mum to return.

"Is we more than us?" I gestured between the two of us.

"You know…Pandora and Thomas, Freddie, JJ and his new girl, Katie…Cook…Emily." As she finished the list we fell back into our defeated contemplation.

I only stayed for a couple of shots of vodka before leaving Effy and my Mum to their conversation. Simply stating that I was tired and wanted to shower before calling it a night.

After turning on the shower to a temperature hotter than I could probably stand I freed my hand from the white gauze. The knuckles were still bruised but the swelling was definitely down. I counted the stitches trying to keep myself focused on the physical world instead of the ebbing and flowing thoughts of my head.

When I started feeling myself swaying between devastating sadness and defeat and frightening anxiety I stepped into the scolding hot water. I was already dreading going out, social interactions were stressful just to think about let alone actually follow through on. But I wanted friends and to be normal for once. There was also all those memories and shit swirling around between my current thoughts. Emily was what my mind settled on.

She was so understanding and I was so surprised every time she willingly returned to me. I couldn't even explain just how _right_ she felt. But I couldn't let myself, wouldn't let myself, not yet. Still too scared of bringing her down with me, of what she could do to me. It seemed so odd that someone as strong and beautiful as Emily could view herself as damaged and unworthy.

"Stop." I sighed. "Emily is not perfect and you will hurt her. You will hurt you if you let this continue. Just keep your distance or the heart ache will get worse before it even starts. Don't you remember the last time someone…cared…"

I counted the stitches again this time remembering the satisfying calmness of the breaking skin. Suddenly it just felt right to try and recreate that feeling.

Ignoring the voice in my head demanding I think over that decision (and the voice seemed oddly husky for being my own conscience.) I got out of the shower and pulled out a razor I had taped under the sink. It had been a short lived habit most of the scars barely visible and the ones that were visible were well hidden.

Returning to the shower I started mapping my own body, trying to decide on the spot. Opening my already injured hand I placed the point of the blade to my palm, knowing it was one of the most painful places I could have chosen. But it felt right and could easily be hidden behind the bandage I would have to put back on anyway.

I traced the red line repeatedly with the blade. Continuing longer than intended when I needed to forget what the color now reminded me of. Watched it all drain away with the water of the shower. By the time I was finished, the cut could have probably used stitches but I just rewrapped it with clean gauze.

The rest of the night and all day at school I held my fist tightly. The sting both reminding me of reality and helping me keep calm, while the closed covered hand hid the injury, helping me forget. The need I felt last night returned when Effy and Cook reminded me that we were all going out that night every time they saw me.

Everyone decided to meet at the club where Thomas let us jump to the front of the line. After a couple of shots everyone started to dance. To them it was just another good night of getting wasted and dancing, to me it felt kind of what I would imagine one of the levels of hell to be like. Hot, loud, and crowded.

Emily asked me to dance with her and I felt guilty rejecting the offer. I hated that I was hindering her fun night out. To her credit she respected my answer…until she had sat with me a while longer during which time she consumed a couple more shots. Luckily for her I had been keeping up so when she asked a second time I complied.

After two songs another girl who was clearly high on something shuffled over to us. She caressed Emily's arm to get her attention clearly meaning for it to be more seductive than it came off as.

"You're Emily Fitch, I've heard about you!" The girl chuckled for some reason unknown to us.

"Don't assume you know me or my story just because my spine appears thin." Emily slurred giggling at her attempt to make understandable sentences. Pulling me closer to show the girl her attempts were unwanted. I sent her a glare feeling territorial.

Proudly I lasted another three songs before my intoxicated brain caught up with what was going on. But when it did I could feel every light touch or bump of everyone crammed into the too small space. The music was so loud that I was pretty sure the heavy bass was knocking my heart off beat. There were lights flashing and spinning and I worried that it was all going to give me a seizure.

The worst part being how close Emily was dancing. Not because I didn't love it because who wouldn't love Emily Fitch practically grinding into you, but because of my resolve to keep the redhead at a distance. And this was anything but distant.

I tapped her shoulder and waited for her to give me as much attention as her drunken state would allow "Going to get some air." I mouthed knowing she wouldn't be able to hear me.

"Want me to come?" She screamed back still swaying to the beat. I just shook my head in reply giving my best reassuring smile, which seemed to work.

Once the cool night air hit me I both felt like I could breathe again and lost my breath at the same time. Staggering to the closest ally which was disgusting but empty (those two details probably connected) I started gasping holding in as much air as my lungs would allow. Every breath I took in, I half-heartedly punched the brick wall I was facing, for some reason this did speed along my recovery from panic.

When my lungs seemed to start working somewhat like they should again, I lit a cigarette. Cause nothing seemed more right for the moment than to slowly destroy the very organs I desperately needed to see working. Every puff of smoke I exhaled proved to me that another successful breath had been taken.

"Hands bleedin Campbell." Cook announced his sudden appearance causing me to jump. "Want me to get Eff?" He asked taking steps back towards the entrance of the club after his gaze wandered from my hand to the rest of me.

"Cook no!" My shoulders slumped at the desperation in my voice.

He hesitated contemplating the right thing to do. I could tell he was leaning towards getting Effy. Even I knew it had to be the right thing to do but I didn't want to face the worry it would bring, the caring.

"Please…" I mumbled in defeat sinking to the cold ground.

"At least let Cookie see then." I instinctively pulled my hand to my chest trying to hide it.

"It's got a bandage already…it's fine." I offered giving him an out to just return to the club.

"Yeah a dirty bloody bandage it is now and Emily would have me balls if I just left ya here in this state. So give it here." Cook was crouched down holding out his hand. Not getting too close like he knew the distance would keep me less closed off to the idea, less likely to flee.

"It's fine Cook." I said more firmly.

"Well then let me _overreact_."

"You've talked to Em?" I said remembering her telling me I was overreacting to her injury.

"Bits and pieces. That girl talks around her topics like a professional." Cook explained waving his still outstretched hand to show he couldn't be distracted.

"If I give you my hand...we don't tell Emily about this."

"Deal."

He closed the distance taking my hand in his. Cook carefully unwrapped the bandage and leaned even closer to have a look. I tried to keep my hand facing down refusing to twist it more than I thought was needed to see the stitches.

"You've busted stitches. I'll go get Effy and-"

"We have a deal." I started.

"No, you said I couldn't talk to Emilio about this." Cook defended himself. "But if that's how it's gonna be I'll take you."

"The only place we are going is back inside." I stated getting to my feet dreading the return and horrified that I was willingly returning to the chaos. Desperately pulling at the sleeves of my jumper to cover my hands fully.

"Suit yourself Blondie."

I didn't return to the dance floor and didn't even try to find Emily. Cook stayed at our table with me for maybe ten minutes before going, I assume, to find Effy. I didn't wait to find out, just left the way we had just came. Deciding I would text Effy that I had left once I was far enough away to be able to not have her want to catch up. But it turns out Effy wasn't the one I should have been worrying about.

"Naomi!" Emily called after me, her voice even huskier, probably weighed down with the amount of alcohol she had consumed.

"Fuck." I mumbled turning to face the approaching redhead. "Did Cook fuckin send you after me?"

"No, no one had to _send_ me after you I wanted to be with you tonight and when I saw you leaving…" I watched her brain catch up. "Why would Cook send me after you?"

"Nothing." I said cursing myself for bringing up Cook to begin with. Stupid tequila. "You don't have to leave, I'm just…tired."

"It's fine really. I only came out tonight cause Cook said I had to..." Emily trailed off. For once I was happy Emily was so far gone because she couldn't be bothered to connect things or keep her focus for long.

I suddenly felt like Cook and Effy had been conspiring and tonight was meant to have an ulterior outcome than just drinking and dancing. Lacking any further excuse for Emily not to come with me and since she didn't seem to be taking any subliminal hints I nodded before continuing to walk in the direction I had been before.

I was so focused on not drawing attention to my exposed hand that I started to worry I would have the opposite effect and draw attention to it. Clenching it into I tight fist we continued walking, Emily occasionally bouncing off me a little to regain her balance. Every time she did I cursed that she had to be walking on the side of my bad hand.

"Bleeding?" Emily's confused voice matched my thoughts on her statement. She held up her own wrist inspecting it for a source of the blood. But the confusion was quickly replaced by realization for her and dread for me. I had been so keen on hiding my palm that I had squeezed it back open. Blood dripping from the fist. Emily stared at it trying to decide if it was real or imagined.

"We're almost at your house."

"Not goin ter my house." Emly stated with a hint of duh to her voice.

"Where are you going then?"

"Yours now." She seemed suddenly sober. "Your hands bleeding and not only from the busted stitches I see."

"You seem oddly sober all the sudden."

"Adrenaline maybe?"

Adrenaline?"

"You know from the shock of seeing that my friend not only has reopened a previous injury and from the swelling of her knuckles I'd say the same way she got them originally…but also you know…the fact that there is even _more_ blood coming from her clenched fist…" Emily's tone was becoming more and more aggravated the longer I let her continue.

I didn't respond to any of it only held the fist tighter finding confidence in the throbbing. With my other hand I pointed at her front door reminding myself that distance was key.

"Are you staying?" I shook my head. "And I'm guessing I'm not going to your house." Another shake of my head. "Not going to get an answer of what happened am I? And I swear Naomi Campbell if you just shake your head one more time…"

"Nothing to tell Em…" I stopped my head from accompanying the response with a shake of my head. Letting it hang instead and staring at the pavement between us.

"What if I said I didn't trust either of us to be alone tonight?" I looked up but she had apparently been staring at the pavement and wouldn't meet my gaze.

"I'd…" Obviously there was only one thing I would do and my resolve that I was an island vanished. "I'd say that though _I_ was fine…that you should stay at mine…" I resigned to the idea.

"I'm not using it against you. I don't care about me…it's you I'm worried about." I just started walking this time keeping her away from my bloodied hand. "Maybe on the walk…" I looked at her because I knew she wanted me to. "Consider the idea of me looking at that."

"Paybacks a bitch." I mumbled.

"I said _consider_ Naoms."

"Is that what this about? Cause I can just show you that now and we can consider us even and go our separate ways." I snapped.

"No!" She said mimicking my vicious tone before quickly controlling it and continuing more softly. "I want to clean that and have a look…it looks like its bleeding a lot…so we are either going to mine to clean it up or we are going to yours…_to clean it up_."

"Over reacting much?" I said mockingly.

"One, if I remember correctly you got your way with that." Emily smiled. "Two, this is way different, that was a simple scratch. Your hand is all fucked up."

"Wasn't a scratch it was just more healed…"

"What's it going to be Naomi?" Emily sighed cutting straight to the chase.

"Well if we go to yours I can just leave after." I flinched realizing I had said that out loud meaning for the contemplation between my two options to happen in my head. I couldn't meet her eyes knowing there would be hurt in them.

"It's fine Naomi." Emily dismissed my growing panic at my internal debates. "Well lets go back and then you can get home quicker."

I could hear what she really thought with that last sentence. _Get away from _me_ quicker._

"Em…"

"It's _fine_ Naomi." Emily was already a couple paces ahead of me. Not missing a step as she made her way back to her driveway.

"Em." I repeated, unable to force myself into movement. Unable to willingly lead myself to her. Not ready to face the feelings or the caring that would be waiting for me.

The more I tried to follow Emily the more my knees threatened to give way. She took another step and I felt my lip begin to quiver. Another step and I clutched at my chest which suddenly felt too small for both my beating heart and expanding lungs. One more step and I felt a wave of pain radiate from my knees as they hit the pavement.

It had happened fast, a giant swell of emotion, dark and deep, crashed into me so violently that I nearly drowned. Then it washed away taking everything with it, leaving me empty, which was why I know found myself staying away from the one thing I had been so certain could rescue me. One second I was so full and overwhelmed then it all drained away leaving me with nothing. I _needed_ to be alone, had to have that time to recover from the eventful day.

Emily stopped but by now I just wanted, no, _needed_ her to get the hell away from me. If she came back I might suffocate, if she touched me I was certain I would shatter. So when I heard her take a step closer I forced myself off the ground. And when I heard her take another step forward I realized the slight quiver of my lip had progressed to my whole body trembling as I repressed all the emotion into my already too small chest. One more step and I took a step back, it was a warning step.


	18. Chapter 18

SI Trigger Warning.

* * *

Emily POV

I knew Naomi wasn't following me but continued anyway. I couldn't be mad at her, or hurt by her words until I knew she was okay, so I kept walking towards the house. It wasn't until I heard a heavy thump that I turned on my heel to face her. She was on her knees, every inch of her was shaking but her muscles seemed tense and stiff like stone. Her head was bowed in defeat like someone waiting for the final blow of a guillotine.

"Naomi?" I breathed out, all of my anger and hurt leaving me with the word. I was sure she didn't even hear me, she made no indication that she had.

Only moved at all when I took a couple steps towards her, then I got a reaction. She slowly raised her head, though her eyes stayed downcast, slowly getting to her feet. The next step caused the blonde to take a step away from me. Suddenly guarding herself against my approach.

"Don't." Her voice wobbled over the one word and I shuddered at just how much meaning was injected into it.

She wasn't just telling me not to take another step. She was asking me not to care, not to comfort her. Rejected even the concern in my eyes by refusing to look at me. Naomi was pleading with me to stop loving her. And I couldn't do it. I would literally do anything for the girl stood before me. But the one thing she asked of me, it was something I just couldn't do.

So I just froze knowing any attempt to close the distance would surely cause her to bolt. Knew that to even sigh to loudly would cause her to retreat.

Naomi started to pace the short width of the sidewalk and I watched, could practically see her brain working in overdrive. Each step she took caused her to puff out another unsatisfying breath. With every other turn she would hit her hands against her hips hard.

I reached into my pocket and Naomi stopped mid-step, frozen like I was about to pull out a weapon. She was definitely in fight or flight mode, and I was the threat and the promise. Moving my hand very slowly I withdrew my cigarette pack and a lighter. I brought one to my lips and lit it taking a long drag before offering it to her. She wanted it I could tell by the slight twitch of her fingers.

"I could throw you the pack if that's easier." I offered wondering how the night even came to this.

She didn't answer so I tossed the pack in her direction and it landed at her feet. Hesitantly, she crouched to pick it up but her knees failed her. I leaned forward to take a step but thought better of it, instead crouched down to her level and tossed her the lighter which she caught one handed.

After we had each smoked two cigarettes I began forming a game plan. But I didn't really know enough of the rules for this particular situation to know how to proceed. I had seen Naomi before and after a…breakdown? But had never witnessed it firsthand.

So I opened my mouth to ask her what I was meant to do. But as I took in a breath to begin, Naomi started to pound her fists into the ground. For part of the next minute I just watched, shocked into inaction. Naomi's right hand left a print of blood on the cement. Eventually her arm stopped the impact, knowing her hand couldn't take anymore. But her left hand continued to smash into the ground.

"Naomi." I didn't yell, still trapped in the mindset of scaring her away with any type of force. The calmness of my voice seemed to have more of an effect than if I _had_ yelled so I continued keeping my voice even despite the thickness in my throat. "Naomi, if you want me to stay away from you right now you will not hit that ground again."

I couldn't watch her take another hit couldn't watch her breaking just to keep herself together. What she did next was potentially way worse.

Naomi's shoulders hunched and she bowed her head again, curling into herself. I thought she was retreating from me, hiding in a protective shell. But then her shoulders heaved up and a sob broke out of her chest. The next one she tried to muffle. But that just seemed to build it up in her throat and caused another louder sob to escape, with it the first couple of tears fell.

"Do you want me to call-" I started when her breathing relaxed a little.

"Don't _want_ anything." Naomi said as the tears continued to fall. "People wanting things is what causes all these problems!"

"What does that mean?" I said feeling attacked.

"My dad _wanted_ me to be normal. Dr. Foster _wanted-_" she cut herself off wiping at the tears and trying to regain some composure. "You _want_ to love me…"

"Naomi I-"

"I _want_ to let you." she continued. "I _want_ to be…normal….I _want _to let myself…"

This was too much to be happening on the side of the street. Way too much for this late hour when we were both still half drunk. I desperately wanted to work this all out but not under these circumstances. So at the risk of never getting information I stopped her from continuing.

"Naomi?" she nodded her head to say she was listening but didn't look up. "We can deal with all of this later. Together if you want…or I can give you time…but…you _need_ to have your hand, hand_s_, checked over."

Naomi looked at her hands which were still held out in midair, shaking slightly. She offered them to me with a slight gesture in my direction, like she wished I could take the evidence of what she had just done away.

I adjusted my feet so I was sitting closer and cross legged taking her hands in mine. The left hand had a few scratches and a bit of bruising but that's all I could tell from the surface. I carefully placed it at her side and focused on the other.

This one was much more bloody and the bruising was worse than it had been originally. Her knuckles were a right mess, swollen and cut up. I turned over her fist so it was palm up and tapped at her fingers signaling she should open it. The slender fingers loosened and stiffly tried to open. I aided the movement until her palm was fully exposed.

From just below the joint of her index finger to just before her wrist was a cut. There was a lot of blood covering her entire hand and I wished I could clean it away to see better. But just from the view I had, I could see that it was deep.

"Naoms this needs…you should go to…" I thought better of finishing the sentence. "Come to mine and let me clean it." assuming she was going to protest I added. "You don't have to stay. Just let me have a better look."

I didn't wait for a reply, standing on my wobbly legs I pulled at her elbows. Surprisingly she didn't pull away but allowed me to help her to her feet. I did have to tug at her arm a couple times to get her to start walking. Numbly, she followed me back to the house like she was a zombie or in a trance.

When we got inside I started to quietly lead us upstairs when I remembered the house was empty. James was at a friend's and my parents were doing some shit for Dad's gym. So I started flicking on lights as I went to help avoid tripping over anything on our way to the bathroom.

In the light of the bathroom I now saw how wrecked Naomi was. Not just mentally or emotionally but physically. Her knees were scratched and dirty, her hands and arms covered with both blood and dirt, and her face smudged with dirt from trying to wipe away tears. Those blue eyes now dull and defeated half hidden behind puffy eyelids. She was back to the silent indifference Effy had presented to me last week.

Putting the injuries aside for a moment I turned on the bath adjusting the water to be on the warmer side. Naomi was unresponsively staring at the white walls.

"You need to wash up okay?"

Nothing.

"Naomi?"

I took the one step it took to stand right in front of her. Not even that got a reaction out of her. I cautiously raised my hands to the buttons of her shirt and undid them removing it. After that the rest of her clothes followed piled into the corner. She let me guide her to the bath, her movements robotic.

I set soap and a cloth on the ledge but didn't start to clean away the dirt. Instead I sat with my back against the tub, giving her time to just soak hoping maybe the heat would ease some of the tension in both her movements and the air around her. Naomi sat hugging her legs to her chest and resting her chin on her knees her eyes closed.

The only sound in the bathroom was an occasional drip of water falling from the faucet. A conversation I had had with Effy a couple of days ago while we waited for the boys to return to the shed entered my thoughts.

_"Why do you think she knows so many random useless facts?" I didn't bother guessing. "It wasn't always something she used…to avoid subjects or whatever. She didn't ever say them at all, only started to, to try and make an effort actually." Effy smirked at this fact._

_ "Effort?"_

_ "Naomi isn't much of a talker if you hadn't noticed, makes me look like a fucking chatter box which is impressive. But she used to be way worse. Her saying those little bits of information is her trying to keep a conversation going or keep you interested and near her just a little longer. I think it also keeps her more calm and focused."_

_ "Oookay…but why-"_

_ "Does she know them to begin with? Simple really. So she didn't have to think."_

_ "Think about what?" I asked realizing that linking things together with Effy didn't come as naturally as with Naomi._

_ "Anything. She constantly kept herself busy by reading and learning shit so her brain wouldn't have time to drown her."_

_ "And now what? She doesn't do that anymore?"_

_ "Not as much…" There was a hint of concern in her eyes. "At first it worried me a lot. I thought she was giving up you know, just letting herself sink." Effy's eyes seemed to glaze over a bit, whether because of the drugs or because she was getting lost in her thoughts I couldn't tell._

_ "But?" I couldn't stand the silence while Effy contemplated and analyzed her thoughts on Naomi, I wanted in on this shit._

_ "I think she is trying to break." Effy tapped the necklace around my neck and I nodded to show I understood. "But that may be more reason to worry…" _

_ "So it's a relief that she is trying but scary because her attempts are dangerous and we could lose her."_

_ "Yes." Effy stood to leave and I didn't stop her because that mysterious glint was back in her eye. Share time was over._

When it felt like enough time had passed for just a moment of calm I started to wash away some of the dirt. Starting with her knees and going from there, careful around any cuts or scratches.

"You know I heard once that if the earth was flat, everything would be covered in about two and half kilometers of seawater." I said.

Carefully rubbing her back, having abandoned the cloth. At first the action caused her muscles to constrict even further but eventually her shoulders relaxed. I couldn't tell if they were slumped in defeat or just relaxed having let go of some of the stress they carried.

"Any month that begins on a Sunday will have a Friday the thirteenth." I continued the soothing motion up and down her spine every other time crossing between her shoulders. Unsure if it was doing more good for her or me.

I stepped away to get a towel before helping her stand. I quickly dried her arms and legs a bit before wrapping the towel around her, securing it near her arm, tried not to show that I had noticed the scars lining her ribs. Grabbing a few first aid supplies from the cabinet we made for my bedroom.

After closing the door I grabbed a pair of track shorts and an oversized t-shirt. When I turned back around Naomi was sat on the edge of the bed.

"I'm going to…can I…" I kneeled before her holding out my hands to ask permission. Again Naomi held out her hands like they were silently incriminating her.

Her left hand was bruised but only one of the cuts needed a plaster and that was only because it wouldn't stop bleeding. As I had guessed earlier the cut on her palm was deep the skin around it red and raw. In all honesty her whole right hand should have probably been x-rayed again, and then had even more stitches added to it.

"Naomi-"

"Just re-wrap it." she croaked guessing what I was going to suggest.

I didn't argue and wrapped her hand from the knuckles to her wrist before taping it in place.

"You don't have to stay…" I explained as I handed her the clothes before walking out of the room with some clothes for myself.

I stood looking at the mirror. Staring back at me all I saw was sad, tired eyes. I felt my thoughts begin to clog as they all tried to be the focus at once. My throat felt tight and my eyes began to sting. There was nothing I wanted more than to tear apart my skin, so that is exactly what I did.

Normally I would spend a dedicated amount of time carving the same line but not tonight. For two reasons, one all I could picture was Naomi doing the same to her hand and two that same blonde was currently waiting just down the hall for me to return. So with still a bit of pressure I created three lines just below my elbow. For once I didn't spend time savoring it, just wrapped it up so it stayed secret and quickly changed my clothes.

To avoid going back to the room just yet, I got a large glass of water and bottle of painkillers. When I returned to my room I knocked lightly getting no answer. I entered slowly to give her extra time if she was in fact still getting dressed.

Naomi was lying on the bed still in the towel hugging the clothes to her chest. Her breathing was heavy but even. I tiptoed across the room and set the items I had collected on the bedside table.

It didn't feel right to get into the bed when all I could remember was her request. _Don't._ Her warning, pleading voice replayed in my head. Settling on the floor next to her side of the bed I pulled the blanket at the foot of my bed over me. Curled up on the floor and half under the bed I willed sleep to take me quickly.

But it didn't.

Now on top of the events of tonight and all my usual cluster fucked thoughts, I felt this crushing guilt. I regretted not just hiding in the bathroom and taking my time. Making sure it was worth it, making sure that it would be enough to get me through. My eyes started to sting again.

I kept my breathing steady the only indication that I was crying were the tears trailing down my cheeks. Whenever I felt a noise building in my chest I bit down onto my knuckles commanding myself to remain silent.

The darkness was my only comfort and support until I felt a weight press down on my shoulder as another hand wiped at the corner of my eye. Every part of me froze, my muscles, my thoughts, even my breathing stopped.

"There are three types of tears." Naomi whispered into the dark her voice scratchy. "Lubricating, cleansing, and…emotional."

"Got dirt in my eyes obviously…from the floor or whatever…" I shifted a little more under the bed pulling away from her hand.

"Come up here." She asked tugging on my sleeve to no avail. My stomach felt like it filled with cement at the thought of Naomi finding out what I had just done, like I had just committed a crime and still had the evidence to prove it. "Look Em I'm sorry…about earlier. I didn't mean to imply I didn't want to be around you…I was just-"

"_That_ is what you are worried about." I laughed sharply. "Of all the things that have happened tonight, _that_ is what you want to focus on. You are worried about _my_ feelings?"

"You're crying." She stated.

"No shit Sherlock! But it isn't because you didn't want to spend the night with me. You do realize you just basically had a complete breakdown on the street right? You do remember that yeah?"

"It's fine. I'm fine." Was Naomi's only contribution. "Please Em?"

I tried to clear my nose and wipe away any stray tears as I got up. Naomi scooted away from the edge of the bed making room for me. Careful not to sit on the towel still loosely wrapped around her I lay facing her.

"What's wrong?"

"Don't you talk to Effy?"

"You told Effy?" Despite trying to sound indifferent the hurt laced each word of her question.

"No. I'm a mimic." I answered. "Nothing's wrong."

"That's a copout." She scoffed her warm breath heating the cold drying tearstains on my cheeks.

"So is _I'm fine._" I countered.

"Fair enough." I thought that was the end of it. "I just want it all to go away, to get out of me. I can't take having any of the thoughts and feelings in me anymore. They ache. Sometimes I need to get away and just be alone to get enough of me back to face the world again. And when I can't get that time or...I don't want to have my memories anymore, they're haunting."

"So you were trying to what…punch them out?"

"Not really. I don't know. It feels more productive I guess. Like I get more of whatever is rotting inside me out…Though regardless, how is that any more farfetched than trying to bleed things out?"

"Fair enough." I repeated her words pausing to take a breath not wanting that topic to continue. "Do you ever just feel like everyone else got a handbook for life and a guide to put it all together into a functioning order…while you have a bunch of broken or missing parts with a bit of useless advice?"

Naomi stared at me thinking it over before slowly nodding.

"Does it ever feel like people keep taking things from you?" she looked away as she continued. "Little bits and pieces here and there so you don't notice at first. And then one day someone new comes along and you just…don't have anything to offer them?" Naomi waited for me to nod before adding. "Even if you really _want_ to give them it all. Even if it means giving what you don't have or can't spare…even if it just makes you feel emptier? Cause seeing them become more…complete is worth it…almost makes you feel better."

"I'm not asking for anything Naomi. Just…friends."

"We say that don't we. But we don't really mean it." Naomi turned onto her back focusing on the ceiling. "At least I don't…no matter how much I try…or want...I still don't."

"I don't either." I confirmed. "But I think we need to try to keep it simple because this…whatever _this_ is…it's too much."

"Effy says we need to dance to the same song."

"What?" I laughed not really understanding the metaphor. "She's your best friend and she doesn't know you don't like dancing?"

"She is well aware of my dislike for both the literal dancing and her metaphorical dancing." Naomi replied lightly but didn't elaborate any further so we relaxed into a comfortable silence.

"Do you still want to go home?"

Naomi shook her head slowly and we both smiled at the response.

"Do you want to get dressed?" I asked playfully.

Again Naomi shook her head though looking uncomfortable as she let her thoughts carry her away. She was fidgeting with the towel and I couldn't understand why she wouldn't just get dressed if she was so uncomfortable.

"Close your eyes." I whispered.

"What? Why?" The request seemed to cause a wave of panic to course through the blonde.

"Hey, woah, not going to attack you or anything just close your bloody eyes yeah?" This time she did as she was told.

I quickly undressed and got under the covers after getting Naomi to shift off them a bit. There was no blood showing through the bandage so I figured I could easily say it was from another time. Sudden, probably misplaced, confidence that she wouldn't notice or ask about it at all.

"Okay." Naomi opened her eyes her features became instantly puzzled at my actions. I shrugged. "Solidarity."

"I am sorry…about earlier…zoned out a bit…" I could tell she was blushing so I knew she was talking about in the bathroom specifically.

"Stop apologizing you would have done the same for me I'm sure."

"I probably would have freaked the fuck out." Naomi laughed at her own honesty before her features grew somber again. "Can I…"

I nodded in answer and closed my eyes. Felt the bed shift slightly as Naomi shuffled herself under the blankets. There was an invisible barrier between us and I wasn't having any of it. To many walls had been destroyed tonight what was one more.

"Fuck's sake." I moved to the center of the bed, keeping my arm under the pillow and resting my head on it for extra cover. Then carefully placing my hand on her back and guiding her towards me to say she should do the same.

Naomi eventually placed a cool hand on my hip and placed her head onto the same pillow as mine. We kept some distance between us but the wall that seemed to separate us before was gone. I tried to keep my hands to myself but when she seemed quite relaxed I moved one of my hands to her side. For an hour we just laid together, not sleeping or talking just enjoying each other's company.

"Please don't do that." Her voice wasn't angry or panicked. It was me stopping that made me realize I had been absentmindedly tracing her ribs.

"Sorry." I moved my hand away slightly.

"No!" I jumped as the word snapped out of her suddenly. "Not that…the movement is…ni-fine. It's fine."

"Then don't do what?"

"You were touching…" I went to move my hand away again but she grabbed it placing it on the back of her ribs. "You were touching scars…"

"Oh."

"I really am sorry." She whispered.

"Nothing to be sorry for. Scary shit happens."

"It kind of felt like being pulled in so many directions and then just snapping."

"I know the feeling...I never allowed myself to snap though, always keep myself quiet."

"What? Now?" Naomi pulled away from my touch.

"Well obviously this is a pleasant alternative." I coaxed her back, hoping she only meant the snapping and not the keeping myself quiet. Knowing that if she meant how I keep myself quiet I had just lied to her.

"Was it because of me? Because I lost my shit…" Her voice was now so small I thought I had imagined it.

"That was scary, but no."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you cut?" My breathing hitched at the word that seemed to tear the air it hit apart.

"I haven't been doing it as much…I've been trying not to at least. It's creating this pressure in me like I'm going to explode." Naomi was still watching me expectantly. "That's a big questions Naoms." I said letting out a long sigh. "Don't know if I really have one solid reason."

"Give me a couple small ones?"

"I don't know. Life? The fact that I can't let go of it even though I want to. Stress from school and relationships? Not you." I added quickly when I felt her hand still against my hip which had been mirroring the movements of my hand on her ribs. "Just don't like…me?"

"Well I like you." Her matter of fact tone made me smile.

"It's like a mixture between wanting an escape, an outlet, and wanting to be kind of punished." I tried not to cling to her previous words.

"Punished for what though?"

I didn't want to talk anymore. "It's getting late Naoms…"

For the next hour we didn't talk or move. It was about three in the morning when I heard Naomi whisper something. I only caught a small part of it "…more pleasant alternatives…" She then pulled me closer so my head could rest on her shoulder more comfortably.

It felt silly that she was trying to console me still even though she was the one who had the rougher night, but that didn't stop my heart from swelling a bit at the effort. In return I wrapped my arm around her a little tighter. Wondering if I was really right in keeping secrets from her when she was trying to be open and work for us.


	19. Chapter 19

Naomi POV

I woke up in a dimly lit room, the weight on my shoulder that I had fallen asleep with was gone. Both of these observations were disappointing, one because that meant I hadn't slept very long and two no weight meant Emily was gone. I heard footsteps and voices in the hall getting closer so I quickly grabbed the clothes Emily had offered me last night and put them on.

An overwhelming need to escape or hide took over my whole body. But there was no way out of the room except through the hallway and hiding would be pointless since Emily knew I was in here. Luckily I didn't have to sit with the feeling long.

"Oh, you're up."

"Yeah…have you been up long?"

"No, actually just went to get a refill of water." She explained holding up a glass of water.

"Good."

"Hmm?"

"I would have felt stupid if I had over slept too much. Or kept you from your day…"

"Not much of a day left now is there." She was teasing but explained when she saw the lost look on my face. "It's six Naoms."

"Okay?"

"In the evening…"

I went to reach for my phone to verify the time only to realize I had no idea where it was. Trying to remember last night while avoiding certain parts was more difficult than you'd think. I can recall where anything I've misplaced is by retracing everywhere the item went with me. But trying to skip half the night made that harder.

"Here." Emily was holding out both the water and my phone to me.

"Thanks." I clicked the display on while gulping down half the water. "We slept all day."

"Feel better because of it?"

"Yeah actually." I was genuinely surprised that my answer was honest. Normally if I get more than about four hours of sleep I feel even shittier than if I didn't get any sleep at all. "Do you…do you want me to go?"

"Actually that's what I was just talking to Katie about." Emily started shifting from foot to foot.

"Aaand…"

"Well my Mum and Dad aren't coming back until Monday. So if you, you know wanted to stay another night…you don't have to of course. I mean you didn't even want to stay last night-"

"I'll stay." I could have seriously hit myself in the face for letting that answer tumble from my lips. "Just maybe let me call Effym she said if we go out and leave separate I have to call. She is probably all worried."

Lie.

I made my way to the bathroom dialing Effy's number. It rang two and a half times.

"Naomi."

"I'm at Emily's."

"I know."

"You know?" I didn't think she had seen me leave the club.

"I stopped by your house and when your Mum said you hadn't been home we put two and two together."

"What if I'd been dead?" I was actually really curious of the answer.

"Then you wouldn't be on the phone with me now."

"I'm at Emily's."

"Again…I know. Care to go further with the topic."

"I slept in her bed." Effy waited for the new part. "Naked."

"And?"

"I don't know that's why I called you." Suddenly the call seemed rather pointless.

"You called me because you aren't panicked about it, didn't you?" I could hear the smirk in her voice.

"No…" Lie. "I agreed to stay another night…"

"Naomi I'm trying really hard to understand what it is you want from me, but for once I'm coming up blank. So either out with it or get your naked butt back into that bed."

"I'm wearing clothes now." That was beside the point. "Male giraffes taste the female's urine to detect if they are ready to reproduce."

"Naomi?"

"Yeah Eff?"

"Do you want to shag Emily?"

"Uhhh…"

"Then do not repeat that fact to her…ever."

"Right. I should go…and we aren't shagging."

"Naomi why did you call?"

"Bye Effy."

I hung up before she could try to force it out of me because Effy could probably get information out of a stone statue. I know, I had called her but that didn't mean I actually wanted to talk about what was going on. Bottom line was, putting all the stupid drama stuff aside because it could wait, Effy was right, I had called her because I was panicking about the fact that I wasn't panicking. Everything else was just memories that I could face when they were more relevant.

When I got back to Emily's room she was gone again. I sat on the bed deciding it was kind of weird to wander around a house I had only ever been in once. I sat looking at some photos that were hung on the walls. Some beautifully colored sunsets and even a couple of just seemingly normal boring things or landscapes but caught in such a way that I couldn't seem to look away from them.

Last night was horrible but wonderful. I mean having a breakdown in front of the girl you fancied was just embarrassing, but it could have been worse as far as my breakdowns go. But then having that girl _not_ run away or tell you how mental you've just acted…that was pretty great. And having her invite me to stay another night just confirmed that I hadn't scared her off yet.

After we got off the street my brain basically played possum on me. It just shut down completely only allowing my body to move under Emily's guidance. I could hear Emily's voice but her words made no sense. The next thing I knew she had me in hot water and it felt nice but that's all I really knew of it.

The next time she spoke I could hear what she was saying better, though the words still didn't really hold any meaning. Emily's hand was trailing up and down my spine, the touch burned me. Melting my frozen thoughts better than the steaming water had, burning me back to life.

When I finally started thinking again I was on a bed, alone, holding clothes. But all I could seem to do was lay down. The clothes in my hand smelled like Emily and I felt my brain passing out, relaxing a little more every time I breathed in the scent. This time my brain was giving in in a calmed way, like it knew it was finally safe to shut down for a while.

But it didn't last long, I woke up feeling just as shitty and just as alone. It was a soft sigh that told me where Emily was. Her shoulders were shaking just enough that I knew she was crying. My heart nearly busted at the realization and I felt guilty on so many different levels. For breaking in front of her, not responding, falling asleep on her bed while she was curled up on the floor crying.

Even after she assured me it wasn't my fault the guilt remained. But it was slowly replaced with horrifying embarrassment when Emily reminded me I was still only dressed in a towel. Like paralyzing embarrassment, to the point I was kind of wishing my brain would shut down just so I didn't have to think about the fact that as great as that warm water had felt…it meant Emily had seen me naked. This fact only just occurred to me. I…was naked…I _am_ naked.

I don't even know what went through my mind when she told me to close my eyes. And even though I probably turned as red as Emily's hair when I reopened them I was relieved. I probably would have been embarrassed or flustered mostly anxious as fuck had a naked Emily been that close to me on any other occasion.

But in that moment it felt like she was saying _you aren't the only one feeling exposed_ _right now._ Sure she hadn't broken down like me but as she had mentioned before she _never _cried. It also seemed like she was trying to tell me she was trying to be open with me. But at the same time I kind of sensed there was something right in front of me that I was missing. Like when you can't find something, and it is right in front of you, but you are too distracted looking for it to see it sitting right there.

"Na-o-mi!"

"Wha?" I shook my memories away realizing there was a very present Emily trying to get my attention.

"Thought I'd lost you there."

"Nope just thinking."

"All good?" she asked laughing, although the panic in her eyes said the question was completely serious. After last night I couldn't really blame her.

"Don't worry Ems, one breakdown a week." I cursed last night again. In my embarrassment I went to cover my reddened cheeks. Only to have the night shoved literally into my face as the bandaged hands stopped three quarters of the way to my face.

"I didn't mean it like that. Sorry."

"So where's Katie?" I redirected the conversation before the air got any thicker.

"Oh she only stopped by for a change of clothes. Guess she is going out with Effy and the boys again."

"You can go too if you want…don't feel like you have to watch over me or some shit."

"Don't be stupid." And that settled that apparently.

"Naomi?" I could already tell I wasn't going to like this.

"Emily." It was both permission to continue and already a warning.

"Who is Dr. Foster?"

"How do you know that name?" More of last night's conversation came flooding back draining the blood from my face. "Forget him yeah? He's not important."

_It's all to help you forget. _I could practically feel his breath on my neck. _I'm going to make you all better for your daddy, just as he asked._ I felt the acid in my stomach rising, melting away the scream that had been building in my throat.

"It's impossible to tickle yourself." Emily nudged my shoulder to get me to look up. "I tried to kill myself last year and my Mum covered it all up. Not even Katie knows. Mum just said it had been bit of food poisoning."

"Those are two very different things."

"I will forget that name if it's what you want me to do."

"My dad always talked about getting me help. Said I was socially retarded, Mum said I was just shy. I'm just very anxious...there's a difference. He said I was mental and losing my shit, Mum defended said it was just a bit of stress. They were probably both a bit right with that one. But you know what the last straw was? What made him finally send me away?" Emily waited for the answer. "He saw me holding a girl's hand."

"What?" Emily's anger level hitting the roof in a split second.

"You know the thing though is, me and that girl, we weren't even friends. I had been assigned a project with her and she was trying to talk to me about it when I kind of zoned out." I laughed thinking about how the girl had said it was cute how I spaced out. "She was just giving my hand a squeeze to get my attention."

"There is nothing to fix Naomi."

"Agree to disagree."

"None of the things your dad said…need _fixing_." Emily continued to try and defend me from myself. "You just need to sort it all out into something that functions a little smoother. But what feels alright to _you_ and works to make _you_ happier."

There was no hesitation when I leaned forward and captured Emily's lips. Even if I didn't agree with what she said, the fact that I could tell she really meant it, really didn't think there was anything horribly wrong with me…My heart practically threw itself out of my chest and into her hands or rather onto her lips.

I knew I caught her off guard because she almost fell back onto the bed and allowed a soft moan to escape her lips. I continued, even took the initiative to deepen the kiss. Only pulling away when my lungs started aching.

"Woah…" Emily breathed out.

"Sorry." I closed my eyes not wanting to see her reaction. Not her reaction to the kiss the reaction to hearing me apologize for kissing her.

"I didn't mean sorry for kissing you." I added when Emily remained silent. "I meant sorry for like…lunging at you…I think my heart might have jerked me forward a bit."

"What?" Hearing the smile in her voice I finally opened my eyes and looked at her.

"Sorry for saying sorry." Please forget the rest, please forget the rest.

"Your heart can't knock you forward what does that even mean?" The smile on Emily's face was definitely worth the embarrassment.

"Can we make a deal?"

"Depends."

"I will kiss you again if you never bring up my pushy heart ever again."

"Who says I want you to kiss me again?" I knew she was joking but I still felt my face drop. "Naomi, you're pushy heart is now an off limits topic."

I grinned, now knowing Emily wanted to kiss me again. Emily pointed to her still smiling lips and leaned forward a little trying not to laugh. This time I did hesitate, my shoving emotions now back under the control of my brain. And my brain seemed unable to remember how to kiss.

"An icosagon is a shape with twenty sides." I stuttered out. "Please just kiss me."

Emily couldn't contain her laughter this time which made the kiss even better. Feeling the vibrations and the happiness of her smile pressed to my lips. I was almost sad to feel them fade away as things became more heated. But it isn't really possible to be sad when you are snogging Emily Fitch. Again we pause trying to even out our heavy breaths, I couldn't take my eyes off her own noticing the brown seemed almost black.

When I finally did break the eye contact she laid down in defeat. I feel all of my anxieties subsiding and I just want her. All of her in a way I had never wanted anything, not even the next breath that would keep me alive. Because why would I want to be alive if I couldn't just have her in this moment.

I move without hesitation forgetting to be nervous and maneuvered one of my knees between her own, so I'm lightly sitting on one of her legs. Emily leaned forward so suddenly and hit me with a kiss that left me so lightheaded and startled that if she hadn't been holding onto my shoulders I might have fallen backwards onto the floor. She cupped my chin in her hands bringing me with her as she leaned slowly back onto the pillows.

My hands tangled in her hair, I moved my kisses to her neck. Traveling up to her ear I bite it ever so slightly before moving back down to her collar bone. I hear her sigh and when I linger my lips just out of reach of her own she smiles and leans forward pulling me back into her. Everything feels on fire and she moans slightly into my mouth as my tongue grazes her own.

I know the sound escaped from her without her permission and I pull away. I feel her hands on my hips which had been rocking against her as we kissed. My thigh pressing harder against her as we went. Horror sinks into my stomach like a stone and I try to decide whether to catch my breath or control my racing pulse first.

"I…" I what? "Need a cold shower?" I lean away from her horrified that I had just announced that.

In response she grabs my wrist before I can turn away and get off of her. She sits up slightly and pulls her shirt over her head and tosses it to the floor. My first instinct is to glance at her chest but I force my eyes to the door which I already know is locked even though her family is gone.

"Decisions, decisions." Emily whispered her voice huskier than I had ever heard it.

I turn and push her back into the bed taking up right where we had left off. She maneuvers out from under me and pushes me into the bed. The thought of a cold shower forgotten as her hands pulled my hips closer to her. Only this time my hands can't keep off of her skin or decide whether the heat was from her skin or my hands. Exploring every inch of her body like I had never encountered another soul in my life. The walls I had spent all my time building, keeping her and everyone else away crumbling a little more with every sigh.

"Can-" she groaned into my shoulder and tried to steady her breathing. I pulled away worried I had done something wrong and she wanted to stop.

Emily's eyes were pleading with me for something. She held tight to my shirt before tugging it up. I bowed my head letting the fabric slip easily over my head. She let her hands roam from my shoulders down my sides gently kissing the scars that lined my ribcage. Curling her fingers through my belt loops she pulled me back to her.

"That was all." She mumbled as she kissed my neck.

Some instinct in me took over again and I rolled us over so I was hovering over her. Emily shivered at the sensation of my hands traveling slowly up her sides and across her toned stomach. But the instinct flickered out with my hand just under her bra. My confidence seemed to abandon me and I tried to pull away.

This time Emily took charge taking up where I left off. Once I forgot about any anxieties or hesitations, once I just stopped thinking about it everything just seemed to be so natural. Everything seems to happen fast and slow. Like time couldn't quite make up its mind until things came to a complete stop.

We laid in the dark tangled together in sheets. Now that time was going at its usual pace my thoughts slowly started catching up. Things felt way too intense to have stopped so abruptly.

Memories started flooding me, how things hadn't always stopped, how things hadn't always built up to intensity. I had never experienced a give and take, only theft. I tried to focus on her breathing and hoped that she would say something, anything, but dreading the moment the words came.

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked slowly, no longer able to take the silence.

"Never. But…you're shaking…"

"I'm…excited?"

"Doesn't feel like it's coming from excitement."

"I don't want to stop." The words came out timid and probably had the opposite effect.

Now that my brain was back in control I really only wanted to run. From both the desire I had for the girl next to me and the memories that my brain was using against me. My whole chest was pleading to be even closer to Emily while my head demanded I remain alone. It was now that my eyes focused on a bandage wrapped around her arm.

"Whatever has you so…I don't want whatever is in your head right now…there when we…"

"Fine."

It wasn't one of those fines where you know the person is actually far from fine. Emily explained her reasoning and there was no argument because she was right. I wanted to but my brain was doubtful and doubt leads to regret and I never wanted to regret Emily or end up resenting her. And I definitely didn't want _him_ in my thoughts once my brain caught up to my raising pulse and decided to punish me for disobeying.

"Does that make sense?"

"Unfortunately…so about that cold shower." I said laughing trying not to ruin things by getting stuck on what was under that bandage or creeping beneath my skull.

We did take a coldish shower, and I do mean we. Emily said she felt bad for letting us both get so worked up and then stopping. I kept telling her she was completely right, also pointing out that a shower together would kind of defeat the purpose of a _cold_ shower. She insisted it would be fine, and it was obviously, I mean I was in the shower…with Emily.

I figured there would be questions. Emily was always respectfully asking questions trying to learn and help. But the words never came and when we laid down to sleep she backed into me and I instinctively wrapped my arms around her. I listened to her breathing even out, becoming slow and heavy as she fell asleep. I inhaled her scent and let her breathing pull me into the best sleep I could remember having.

The satisfaction of the sleep was ripped away from me along with the blankets I was wrapped in. Words were being yelled at me but I couldn't hear them through the fog of sleep. The shrill volume of the voice was offensive to my ears and I wanted to cover them. It was too much to try and clear my vision and listen, as always I just couldn't seem to use all my senses at the same time.

"I asked you a question young lady."

I finally focused my eyes on the woman above me. This I assumed was Emily's mother but there was no Emily in the room with us.

"Who are-" She stopped midsentence and squinted her eyes in disgust. "So you are the reason behind all this. The reason our innocent Emily has been cutting herself and drinking and and..._sinning_!"

By now I had stood up to have better hope of guarding myself against this attack. Jenna was now motioning at me as if to indicate that I, as a whole, was her problem. That everything to do with me, every single aspect of my being, was just wrong.

I opened my mouth a couple of times even though I knew no words were going to come out. I knew she was waiting for some kind of response, maybe even hoping I tried to defend myself so she could justifiably continue. But no answer came and I soon learned that no answer, was the _wrong_ answer.

The next few things happened very quickly. So quickly that I kind of zoned out to watch, like I was just a third party guest to the whole scenario. The door to the room flew open and Emily started to make her way to me but paused in shock. Her father was just behind her hanging in the doorway contemplating how to proceed.

They were both just in time to witness the older woman back hand me across the face. It burned for a second before something even hotter dripped down my cheek. It was either tears or blood, and I actually hoped it was the latter. Catching sight of a ring on her finger told me my hopes were probably granted.

"Jenna!" Rob warned from the door.

"_She_ is the cause of all this." She accused gesturing at me again with disgust.

Jenna reached out to me again taking my wrist and pulling to display my scars. Finally returning to the room I yanked my hand back as if this was the first thing to offend me enough to react. At the same time her mother had started towards me again Emily was shoving past her to stand in front of me, protect me. But it didn't matter because all I could seem to think was that everything about me _was_ wrong.

"Jenna." He gestured for her to exit with him.

"I am not leaving _her_ with our daughter."

"I'm leaving anyway." I said finally finding my voice.

"Naoms-"

"It's fine, Emily." I tried to remain calm but when Emily didn't protest again I knew my eyes had probably betrayed me.

As fast as was possible I made my way past everyone to get out of the suddenly suffocating room. When I passed Emily's dad I was pretty sure he whispered an apology, but I didn't take the time to acknowledge it. It was cold outside, I was still in the borrowed shorts and t-shirt which didn't help. But it only helped me walk faster to get home quicker, which was about the only thing I really wanted anyway.


	20. Chapter 20

Don't own skins. SI trigger warning.

* * *

Emily POV

"I cannot believe you!"

I was actually screaming at my mother. I never reacted to anything or anyone, always kept my calm or simply walked away. The surprised look on my parent's faces told me they were quite stunned about it as well. For the second time this morning my mother raised her hand and slapped hard. This time when the room went into a stunned silence I took the opportunity to shove past my mother and make for the front door.

"Emily! Don't you dare walk out of this house!" My mother was a couple of paces behind me having recovered from her moment of shock.

"Fuck off!" I screamed half out of the house.

"I find some cut up whore in your bed and you expect me not to react." My mother screamed from the doorway.

I didn't stay to listen or defend Naomi because I knew if I remained with that woman any longer my clenched fists would start to fly. Nothing would make me happier in this moment than to release some of the anger I had kept contained too long. But the rational part of my brain reminded me that she would more than likely use such an incident to have me sent away permanently. As I walked down the street I texted Cook to find out where he was crashing, then sent a quick text to Effy.

_At the risk of Naomi killing me can I ask you to go check on her? _

I got a reply from Effy first.

_On it. Anything I should be forewarned about? –Effy_

_I'm leaving it to Naomi to share what she wants. Sorry._

I wandered around for the next hour trying to calm down a little while waiting for Cook to respond. The cool air was helping to calm down the burning anger radiating from my chest.

I had gone downstairs this morning to get Naomi some breakfast, because we hadn't really eaten much the previous day. My dad walked in not long after explaining that they had decided to return home early and informed me my mother had just gone upstairs to wake me up. Without waiting to explain I bolted out of the room and took the stairs two at a time.

The first thing that my brain comprehended was the sound of skin hitting skin. Then my eyes could only focus in on the red line left across Naomi's pale cheek. It literally froze me to the spot until I saw my mother's hand moving towards the blonde again.

I wanted to pull her close to me, protect her from the events that had already happened. Comfort her but I knew that the typical type of comfort people provide would actually have the opposite effect on Naomi. So I just stood in front of her, shielding her from any other contact.

When Naomi announced she was leaving I couldn't even argue. Initially I had every intention to, as I heard the words whispered just behind me. But when I turned to protest her eyes were shattered, there was so much going on in them I was surprised we weren't all drowning in emotion. I could see her brain flooding trying to keep in control, but it didn't seem that my mother alone was the cause of it all, and I couldn't even ask what she was thinking.

The cold was actually starting to bother me and Cook still hadn't responded. With aching fingers I started to type another text with more anger, but halfway through my phone beeped.

_Alley next to Uncle Keith's_.

Sighing with relief at getting a response and that I was close by the meeting spot I started walking in the opposite direction. It only took another ten minutes of walking to get there. The second I saw Cook leaning against the building smoking I felt my lip start to tremble.

"Emily." Cook actually using my real name is what finally did it.

I didn't give him any explanation just buried my face into his shoulder. There were no tears, I finally _wanted_ to cry, had reason to. But my eyes remained painfully dry.

"Effy just left, said something was wrong with our girls." Cook informed me but didn't ask me to talk or remove his arms from around my shoulders as he tried to rub some warmth back into me.

I leaned against Cook and the wall and smoked three cigarettes. When I finally opened my mouth to start telling about this morning's events Cook interrupted.

"Over a drink Red."

"It's like ten in the morning Cook…"

"We'll take the clocks down then. But one thing Cookie knows is when a lady needs a drink or three." He wriggled his eyebrows at me leading the way into the pub.

After a shot of tequila and half a pint of shit beer I started telling Cook about everything. Mostly abbreviating the last two days (much to Cook's displeasure about missing the "shagging bits") to get to the important part quicker.

When I told the part about my mother hitting Naomi and cutting her cheek his grip on his glass tightened. It felt oddly good to see because it confirmed that he did in fact care about and approve of me and Naomi.

"Effy know where you live?" He said taking a long sip of his drink.

After all I had told him that was not the reaction I expected to get. He was completely calm and I wondered if maybe he hadn't actually been listening.

"Not that I know of?"

"Good or else you probably wouldn't have a Mum when you went home next." We both chuckled at the thought, but even the short laughter did nothing to divert the gloom of the morning.

"Blondie ain't the only one got smacked eh?" Cook took my chin in his hand and turned my head. "Maybe I oughtta stop by your house myself."

"Cook don't." He had said it with a grin but there was no hint of jest in his voice. "Besides I'm not going home. And I'm more worried about Naomi…"

"Well can I join this worry about Naomi campaign?" Effy's voice was so close to my ear I nearly jumped to the ceiling.

"Why aren't you with her?" I yelled. "Effy! You are supposed to be with her!"

"She didn't want to see anyone."

"And so you just left?" I scoffed. "Sorry…obviously you didn't. I'm just-"

"Worried. I know." Effy didn't even bat an eye at my outburst.

"Is she okay?" I asked weary of actually hearing the answer.

"No." Effy stated simply.

I remembered the look in her eyes, a shiver traveled up my spine at the memory of her eyes disconnecting from everything. It was all my fault that she was yet again burying herself. After all the progress we had been making and now she was shutting down again and I was trying to numb myself up like never before.

"Effy gotta give Red more to go on, unless you want to see a real reaction outta her." Cook spoke up reading my thoughts.

"She had a cut on her face. I got her to let Gina put a bit of that tape shit on it to hold it closed."

Effy checked with Cook to see just how far she was meant to go. If I wasn't so torn up right now it might have been entertaining to see Cook painstakingly ripping the words out of the brunette. Or maybe I would have been attempting to shake the words out of her more forcefully. Cook left to get more shots. With a long sigh she continued.

"I asked Gina what was up but she said Naomi had gone straight to her room as usual. When I went back to try and talk to her she was curled up on the floor and even I can't break through to her once she hits that phase." Effy lit up a cigarette and I figured that was all there was to tell. "Though I did see she had chosen new colors for her drawing equation things, so at least she isn't conflicted about you anymore."

"Conflicted? What the fuck does that mean?"

"You've seen the red fiery one haven't you?"

"Yeah but what's it got to do with me…"

"Desire, passion, blood, anger, lust, love, fire…Emily Fitch's hair." Effy paused to gauge my reaction. "Has she ever explained…"

"Yeah. Well kind of…" I actually didn't know if Effy knew as much about the drawings as she thought she did.

"Yeah she kind of explained it to me too." It was one of the rare things that got a reaction out of Effy, she hated not being able to read the blonde's every thought and action and it showed. "Well I know that the color of the bloody things says a lot about what her thoughts are when she does it."

"So what she's…she's over me now?" I grabbed a shot and downed it reaching for another one with my free hand and downing that one too.

"Woah, chillax Red." Cook guarded the remaining glasses.

"Emily I didn't say she was over you, I said she was no longer conflicted. You'll have to ask her what that means exactly."

We sat in silence for a while before they started trying to take my mind out of my head with small talk. Turns out Cook had been crashing at Effy's for the last couple of nights so I couldn't actually stay with him. He suggested I hit Freddie up about staying in the shed for a while. One quick text and I was sorted for at least the next couple of nights.

"Could always ask Naoms." Effy said as we were parting ways.

"Think I'm the last things Naomi needs in her life…I've only gotten her breakdowns and bitch slaps." My shoulders slumped as my drunken thoughts escaped my mouth and their honesty felt like a punch to the gut.

Effy punched me in the joint of my shoulder causing me to trip over my own feet. Cook went to catch me realized he wouldn't make it so grabbed hold of Effy to make sure she wasn't going to swing again.

"Emily Fitch you say shit like that again and I swear to fuckin hell…" Effy's eyes were ice cold with anger and I flinched under their glare. "That necklace you have around your neck is literally how Naomi copes. It isn't just a theory or something to justify what she does. She _literally_ has to break herself apart to try again and again to keep herself going."

She held out her hand and helped me to my feet.

"You know when you need change so you paint your room or rearrange the furniture?" I nodded wondering where this could be going. "Naomi has to constantly do that. Normally she does it silently pulling her thoughts apart again again just trying to find peace for one bloody second."

"That doesn't make me want to change my words." I admitted.

"You are getting her to take _action_." Effy stated simply. "Not the getting her slapped that I _will_ tend to one day. But the breaking she isn't containing it to herself she is doing it in the open where _we_ can help."

"She is going to hurt herself."

"I told you it was risky. But if she can manage it…you might just get to meet that Naomi her mother has told me used to exist." With that she tugged on Cook's hand and they walked down the street towards her house.

I stayed in Freddie's shed for the next week. It wasn't bad at all, because there was an endless supply of drugs and everyday someone was there to keep me company. Katie even dropped by a couple of times, even brought me a bag of things she suspected I might need. She didn't ever ask me to come home but I knew she wanted to.

Every day at college I saw Naomi walking with Effy. And every day after school Effy would update me on how she was doing. And every day her answer was the same _still the same silent storm_. Effy did tell me that it had nothing to do with the encounter with my mother, though Naomi seemed even more adamant that she was defective. This made me feel equal parts relief and dread. It was good because that meant _that_ hadn't scared her off, it was bad because…_that_ wasn't what was keeping her from me.

Effy continued all week telling me to just man up and go see the blonde. Naomi hadn't said to stay away, she hadn't even implied that she didn't want me around. It was me that was creating the space, Naomi always wanted space and now I was scared to be close.

Naomi had let me in so much in the small time that I had known her. Did what she never let anyone do, get to know her. That was intimidating. Having someone's trust and maybe even some love they didn't give anyone else.

It obviously wasn't right and just plain stupid to throw it all away over a little fear. So on Thursday I split away from the group and headed for Naomi's. Getting a wink from Effy and a "Go get'cha girl, Red!" from Cook.

Gina opened the door before I finished my second knock. Her face lit up with a smile similar to the few I had seen from Naomi, though her's was welcoming, it didn't bring as much comfort as her daughter's did.

"Naomi isn't back yet love. But I was just putting the kettle on if you would like to wait with me for her. She is probably just around the corner so it won't take long." She ushered me into the house before I could even respond.

"Haven't seen you all week. My daughter isn't being a moody cow to you is she?"

"No, no. No…I've just been…busy." _I've just been avoiding your daughter because she makes the sorrow that is the very foundation of everything that I am, shakey and it scares the living shit out of me because what if there is nothing else for me and I'm terrified of her being buried under the rubble._

Plus I didn't know how much she knew or how she would feel knowing my mother had hit her daughter. I felt guilty and it wasn't even really my fault, not completely at least.

Gina handed me a cup of the best smelling tea I had ever held. It tasted sweet even without added sugar, flowery with a hint of citrus. She went into another room and came back with an album. Once she had settled into the chair next to me she flipped it open.

"Naomi made me take all my photos down a couple years ago." She smiled and didn't seem bothered by the memory. "I think she hated seeing herself…happy." That did make her smile falter.

There were pictures from when she was practically a newborn her blue eyes wide at the new loud world around her. Naomi laughing, sat on the shoulders of a man who was looking down to hide his face from the camera, she must have been about six. Anything past eight and the smiling young blonde became a rarer occurrence. The wide grin slowly fading with age until she sat blank faced in most of them. The picture album was nearly filled with a happy Naomi but not one picture went above the age of about twelve.

"She stopped letting anyone take her picture." Gina smirked much like Effy when she was able to read my thoughts.

"Why?"

"Kind of the same reason I suppose." Gina stated simply but added. "Didn't want to see herself so…sad. Even when she plasters a smile onto her face, it's always there in her eyes."

"Does she not even have pictures of like her and Effy? Wouldn't she want to remember her friends when she is older?"

"I think Effy likes the calmness and distraction my daughter brings her too much to ever separate from her, so technically they will never need to remember each other. But you'll have to ask her love. She's in her room by the way." Gina hummed taking a sip of her tea while still focusing on the pictures, a genuine smile on her face but her eyes were sad just as she had describe Naomi's.

"Oh and Emily dear," Gina called me back just as I was at the stairs. "Cut to the chase. We all know my daughter doesn't do that small talk shit. Just jumps right into it all waste deep."

I think I stood outside the Naomi's bedroom with my hand raised halfway to knocking for maybe five minutes. There was just something wrong, some negative energy seeping from the closed door. And I was actually somewhat scared of opening the door and releasing whatever was trapped behind it.

_Knock, knock, knock._

There was no reply which was actually the exact reply you should expect to get from Naomi. So I opened the door anyway, waited for my eyes to adjust to the sudden darkness, still too scared to actually enter.

"What are you doing?" Naomi asked from behind me.

"Jesus fucking- you scared the fuckin hell out of me." I yelped clutching my chest like it would both restart my heart while calming its racing pace.

A smug smile took over her features for a second before returning to the usual blank expression. It reminded me of when James was little. How if I pissed him off and then made him laugh he would try very hard to stop laughing the second he remembered he was supposed to be being pissed off at me. Naomi waved a hand in my face and repeated her question.

"Well obviously I'm here to see you." I motioned for her to enter the room first.

"Thought you had lost interest." The blonde shrugged entering her room.

"You haven't exactly been approachable…figured you needed space." I was still hovering on the threshold of the room.

"Emily," she waited for me to take a step into the room before closing the door. "I'm _never_ approachable." She said air quoting my word choice.

"Well?"

"Well what?" It was starting to grate on my patience that she was acting like we hadn't just spent a week apart after a dramatic couple of days.

"Why haven't we talked for a week?" My hands on my hips to keep me from pacing to rid myself of the energy I felt.

Naomi didn't answer just stared at me like she had no idea what I was talking about. I held out my hand expectantly.

"What?"

"Well if you won't talk, let me see if you have at least taken care of that hand."

"It's fine, Ems."

My hand still held out I tilted my head to emphasize her two options to her. Gina's words reminding me to cut to the chase, hoping that keeping the pace moving would keep the blonde from laying on the floor like Effy had warned me was happening a lot.

Surprisingly or maybe not so surprisingly Naomi held out her hand and waited for me to close the distance between us. When I took her hand she turned away slightly, much like I had when she wanted to look at my arm. This instilled a new kind of dread in my chest and I suddenly wished I hadn't given her two options.

I had already seen her injured hand so there should technically be no reason for new shame. With shaking hands I unraveled the bandage. The knuckles were no longer swollen though the bruising was still horrible, it almost looked worse. The cuts hadn't been stitched up like they should have been.

When I tried to turn her palm up she resisted. That feeling of fear sinking even deeper into my heart, taking it to a new low.

"Naomi." There was no mistaking the warning in my voice. I hoped she regretted her choice as much as I kind of did.

Naomi resisted for another minute before turning her hand over. A gasp died in my throat, swallowed by the emotion swelling up from my chest. Her hand know had a deeply etched _X_ with a couple of other smaller shorter cuts. There was no doubt with just a quick glance that probably all of them need some kind of stitching or treatment.

"Come on." Naomi pulled away again and walked over to the desk. "Naomi, come on."

"No. I'm not a child, you can't just order me about like a puppet." She didn't turn to face me, maybe if she had the protest and attack would have held more impact.

"You're right, but you can either come with me to the clinic, or I can go get your mother. And trust me it is already taking everything in me not to run down those stairs." I heard her breathing hitch. "Hypocrite or not."

"If we go to a clinic they are going to lock me up again." Naomi whispered after a couple of minutes. Her voice was so weak I almost backed down.

"I won't let them, I know a guy that works there…owes me a favor." I had an agreement with one of the nurses there. He was a friend of JJ's, and appreciated our whole group for looking out for him. He gave me stitches if I needed them and I gave him drugs every now and again, no questions asked.

"Stegosauruses weighed about four tons but their brains were about the size of a walnut…please don't make me do this…" The words came out of her like she was describing the weather. She caught my eyes and actually let me see the fear in them, pleading with me.

"No one needs to know. And I promise my friend will just have a look and then wrap your hand just like you have had it…I'll even buy you a coffee after…" I nudged her shoulder and gave my best encouraging smile.

"I don't want to Emily. I'll tell you whatever you fucking want. Ask and I will try to explain but do not ask me to do this…I won't risk it...not even for you." Naomi had turned away from me again with the last of her words. "I can't go back."

"What if he meets you outside and is not on the clock?" I offered knowing I would need to stop by Cook's to get supplies. "Then he can't do anything about it…not that he would anyway."

"It's fine! Stop over reacting."

"Get it checked and then fucking tell me to calm down. You are lucky it hasn't gotten infected and I can tell you aren't letting anything heal, it's raw." Even I cringed at the pain Naomi had to have endured to keep reopening the already sensitive skin of her hand.

"If I go you have to tell me about being sent away."

I almost threw up and passed out at the same time.

"How the fuck? Who the fuck told you about that?"

My mother had once sent me to a religion camp to "heal" me. The advisors encouraged the campers to "teach" those of us who didn't conform. Which meant getting the shit kicked out of you when no adults were around, which meant no witnesses, which meant it never happened.

The place was horrible but it didn't fill me with fear anymore, the memories literally just pissed me the fuck off. I hadn't told any of my friends or even Katie what really happened, we all just joked about it being my time served.

Sure I could just tell Naomi what I told everyone else, make it a joke. It was all just boring bible bullshit and laugh it off. But how could I expect Naomi to open up and be honest if I wasn't? I had already kind of lied to her last weekend. How could I let her establish trust based on lies. This time it was me who punched a wall. Just one swift hit was enough for me though before I started pacing the room.

"Who the fuck told you about that?" I was practically fuming knowing I had to tell her the truth.

"Someone told Eff, Eff told me. You could also tell me about having something to cover up last Saturday...So is it a deal?" Now her protests were replaced with bashful curiosity and a new hopeful defense.

"Fuck...come on then."

"Mum going out with Ems for a bit…" Naomi said leaning into the kitchen. "So…bye…"

Naomi went to turn left but I tugged her to follow me to the right. She walked with me not even asking why we were headed in the wrong direction.

"Gotta call in a favor first."

When we got to the shed Naomi was less than pleased. I couldn't even get her to come inside with me. She just kept saying she wasn't up for company. Cook started to question me about why I needed the pills _and_ weed and what had happened with Naomi, but with one look he let me take what I wanted and leave.

There was no one outside the shed when I got back. Assuming she had left I headed back towards her house.

"Didn't tell them did you?"

"Fuckin hell Naomi! Stop creeping up on me!" Her blonde hair was the first thing I saw as she approached from the shadows.

"Did you? And why did we even have to come here? What favor?" She was rambling and clearly on edge.

"No, fucks sake I didn't tell. _Effy _wasn't even in there. And I was just getting some stuff, now stop stalling and walk with me." Now that we were both doing this at a price, we were both kind of hostile about the whole thing.

The space between us as we walked was constant, like it was screaming to be noticed. Naomi was right there but if I reached for her I was sure the tense air would cut me.

When we were ten minutes away Naomi started fidgeting with her hands. Another five minutes passed and I felt Naomi tug on my sleeve to uncross my arms. When I let them fall to my side she took my hand and squeezed it still staring at the passing ground.

I almost smiled with relief seeing our hands together. Even though I was pushing her to do something she didn't want to do, she was still capable of finding comfort in me. Naomi waited outside the building while I searched for Peter.

"Lookin' for me Red?" I turned to see Peter smiling at me.

"Indeed…I have a favor to ask…" His smile faded as always. I don't know what he ever thought when he saw me in here, it should have been quite obvious why I would seek him out at his work. "Not for me…and not in here."

"Emily I can't just-"

"I've got…things. And I really...she…I will owe you." I was pleading with him, all but on my knees begging. "Whatever you want."

"What exactly is going on? Who is 'she' and what exactly are these conditions?" I knew right then he was going to do it whether I explained or not.

"_She_ is outside. And I need you to check out her hands with our normal agreement in place. No strings attached and no questions…not to or about her anyway."

Peter relented motioning for me to lead the way. When we got there Naomi looked like she was on her second or third cigarette. She was pacing along the side of the building but froze the second she saw me approaching. If she could have fainted and run at the same time I think she would have.

"Hello…?" Naomi didn't offer Peter her name. "So can I…see your hands?"

He seemed to have caught onto how much the girl before him did not want anything to do with him. Peter was almost like Effy but more warm and kind in his approach to reading people. Naomi was staring at me silently asking one last time if she really had to do this. She seemed to get her answer and held out her hand to Peter.

"Jesus what-"

"Peter." I warned.

"Right well let me get some things, I assume you aren't going to allow me to get this x-rayed?" I shook my head for Naomi. "Okay well, don't move." He glanced at me as if to say _Make _sure_ she doesn't move._

We didn't speak while Peter got his supplies or while he worked. Peter asked a few questions about the boys, specifically JJ, before continuing his task in silence. After wrapping up her hand as I specified, Peter turned to me expectantly. I shook my head just enough for him to understand and glanced at Naomi.

"Emily," he started after we were a couple of paces away.

"Peter I told you, no questions not about her. You can ask me about me or JJ or even the weather, whatever. But nothing about her. Now here is double of what you would normally get and the second half is to forget this ever even happened."

I didn't wait for him to say anything else just turned and left him standing there. The second I was within arm's reach of Naomi she took my hand again. This time her hand was shaking and I realized her face was slightly contorted in pain.

It seems silly to other people but I understood. Everyone's first thought when they see a person with self-injury scars is they like pain or don't feel pain. But that isn't true at all and even if to some extent we do love the pain it is completely different to have someone else inflicting pain on us.

"So you got sent away." She had done her part and expected me to do mine.

It was only with a strong command from my brain that my muscles didn't rip my hand away and carry me far from the blonde. Instead I tightened my grip and sighed willing the words to just pass quickly and easily.


	21. Chapter 21

Naomi POV

There was no way in hell I had just got my hand poked and prodded by some bloke and I was not going to get answers. I originally wanted to ask Emily what she had given him in exchange for this little favor but decided to get my big answer first.

My aggravation almost ceased when I heard her breathing hitch and felt her hand shaking worse than my own. But she had agreed, an eye for an eye and I currently didn't give a fuck if the whole world ended up blind, I wanted her to actually open up and not share bits and pieces or talk in circles.

"Let's walk." Emily said after taking a couple of steps alone giving my hand a slight tug.

"Whatever as long as there is talking." I felt bad for being so hostile when I knew Emily had only been doing what was right. "Blood is about six times thicker than water."

I followed making sure my grip on her hand was still secure. I was still pissed off at her for asking me to do that. Especially when I knew bloody well she would have pitched a fit if I had threatened to expose her to her parents and then forced her to go to a doctor. But that didn't mean that I didn't currently need her to keep me from falling into the nothingness that my brain seemed to be pushing me towards.

Emily used her free hand to put a spliff between her lips and then dug out a lighter from her pocket. She took three long drags off it holding each one before offering it to me. I was so focused on her lips that I didn't even notice until she cleared her throat and let out a small cough.

More often than not smoking made me paranoid and anxious as fuck. But I was kind of really hoping the tension would pass and hoped that maybe it would help us both relax. Besides I was already anxious so it couldn't really get much worse just maybe a little more intense. Though seeing Emily struggling to find the words to begin was already helping. One because it was hard to be mad at her when I could see her struggling, and two because if she was struggling that meant she was going to tell me something.

"Mum wasn't happy about me liking girls so she sent me off for a while." Emily kept her voice steady and void of any emotion.

"If you wanted to answer that simply you shouldn't have punched the wall." I was smiling and I didn't know why. The tension Emily displayed was wearing off on me and to deal with the uncomfortable situation I was apparently just going to smile like a jerk.

"All you had to do was stand there and let Peter do all the work. Why don't you just get Effy to give you the dirty little details?"

Anger was definitely one of Emily's main defenses but I didn't back down like I normally would have if someone did that. Honestly I wouldn't be in a conversation with anyone, especially one like this, if it wasn't Emily. This realization made my hands tremble a little more.

"Eff said she didn't have any details worthy of being repeated."

"What the fuck does that mean?" Emily exhaled a long stream of smoke she had been holding.

"That's Effy speak for the stories she heard were bullshit and I should wait to hear the truth from you." I was actually feeling too angry to be nervous or hesitant. To be honest I wasn't really sure if I was angry at her or me at the moment, either way I didn't know why anymore.

"For living, wanting to die, for failing, not being all that I know I should or could be. I don't even know…"

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Maybe punish was the wrong word..." That conversation was days ago.

"I don't want why's tonight…I want a reason, a part of the story." I denied her request to drop the subject and almost felt guilty for it.

"Mum and Dad argued over sending me away for about a month."

Emily pulled her hand out of mine and stuck it into her pocket. Immediately my pulse leaped into action and my head began to spin. Only then did I remember how bad things had gotten again, remembered why I had been isolating myself. Why for the first time since meeting Emily I had been happy she had remained absent. The night was finally calming down and that meant I had time to remember things.

"Hey, calm." Emily commanded.

She pulled her hand back out holding a pack of cigarettes lighting one and handing it to me, then lighting one for herself. The warmth of her hand slowly covered mine again.

"Should be the one saying that to you." I was a shit friend. Worried that this give and take would cause Emily to pull away, I was becoming reliant and selfish, I hate it. "I changed my mind and I'm sorry for pushing you. You never push me too far and one day when you're comfortable you will tell me."

"Naoms," that _look at me_ tone filled my name. "I pushed you very far this time, its only fair. Deals a deal yeah. But that doesn't automatically make it an easy topic, so just give me time to get it all worded properly."

Effy was right, we were _never_ in sync.

"Dad's a push over, so obviously Mum won in the end. It was like religion camp I guess. What made it worse was I just wanted to be alone but it was also the first time I had really gone somewhere far and for a long time without Katie."

I nodded because that was what Effy did when she wanted me to talk. It was supposed to be encouraging I guess, it always worked when she did it at least.

"Stupid I know. Wanting to be alone but hating to be separated from Katie like that. We weren't even really getting along by then...but still." She laughed to try and lighten the atmosphere for both of us, maybe convince one of us that she was okay sharing this. "They just…_taught_ you what was acceptable and what was not."

I didn't like the strain she put on that word. Like the memory of the lessons were still burning their presence into her, still trying to force her to learn. Emily didn't continue and I still felt guilty as hell, deal or no deal. She may push me a lot but never crossed the unspoken boundary of some things.

"What did they say?"

"Nothing." She whispered willing me to just understand so she didn't have to say it. Emily was funny like that, certain things she just wouldn't say. Not because she didn't want to talk about them necessarily but because certain words seemed to make her skin crawl.

Nothing. They didn't say anything. Make connections stupid brain. My brain wasn't stupid, unfortunately. Emily's tone and posture said it all. The lessons weren't _taught_ with words.

"Okay." My hand tightened around her's, another thing Effy sometimes did to say she understood without saying it. Be in sync, I repeated my new mantra.

"Last Tuesday was the…anniversary of the last time I heard my dad's voice." Please understand, please understand.

"Okay." She didn't understand, but she was sorry about it.

"I was… A killer whale is a type of dolphin."

"Naomi what are you-"

"Fuck's sake just let me talk." I was actually yelling at myself and my stupid nervous ticks, but Emily stopped talking immediately.

"_He _was telling my Dad that he had made the _right _decision in bringing me there. My Dad was talking about it being the right form of treatment he was happy with his_ right _decision. I was meant to be _taught_ to be normal." I purposefully put stress on the same word so she would understand.

"Naomi…" she understood now and she was more than sorry for it. "I got the shit kicked out of me almost of every night during the two months I was there. Bruised ribs, broken fingers, cut up lip, bloody nose, you name it I probably had it. Remember at the lake when you asked about this scar?"

She pointed to the inside of her arm just above her elbow. I remembered asking about it and not getting an answer. That one scar had been different than the others, it had definitely been deep, but it was at a weird angle and sloppy. It was weird, but everything about the...setup of Emily's injuries seemed organized, a calculated system.

"They did it with a steak knife." Emily explained rubbing at the scar through the fabric of her shirt. "There were like six of them and they each...it felt like they were trying to actually saw my arm off...Then there was this one girl…"

Emily didn't continue and I wasn't ready to share more either. That was as far as I was prepared to go and I could only hope she would understand.

"Never told anyone," she continued. "The councilors encouraged it of the kids. Peer pressure I guess. But they would be no where around when the 'non-conformers' were…taught."

"Why didn't you just write your Dad or Katie?"

"What were they going to do. I was convinced Mum knew their arrangement there. Probably hoped they would beat the gay out of me if praying it away failed." There was no sadness in Emily's voice only hate, I had never seen this type of rage from her before.

"I want to punch her back."

"What?"

"Jenna. I mean I don't care that she hit me cause, well, whatever. But she basically signed you up to get beat up every day for a month for no reason." This time I released her hand and grabbed a cigarette hoping to relieve some of the rage coiled in my stomach.

"Can we just drop it?" Emily sighed.

"I don't want to." Don't push, I reminded myself. "But I will…for now."

"Can I ask something if I don't expect any details?"

"It doesn't feel right to say no." I hate that I can't deny you anything, Emily Fitch.

"What were you…taught?"

"Well in the beginning, during the sessions with him he told me to just forget anything that made me feel negative emotions. Simple as that, just told me to forget, almost every day for months." Not what she was asking about.

"Okay."

"I am only going to say one more thing because you just did that."

"Did what?" Emily pulled on my little finger to get me to switch my cigarette to the other hand so she could hold my hand again.

"You didn't push."

It really felt as simple as that. Emily didn't push me to tell her things, just accepted that I really wasn't ready. It was like some weird form of reverse psychology that worked well on me. Or maybe it was just because it was Emily and she seemed to bring out the unexpected from me.

"Dr. Foster…" His name felt vile and I instantly wished we were close to a shower. "After a bit of time there...he…he taught me…at night, he would…"

"Got it."

"Connections!" Emily jumped at my outburst. I was just so relieved she didn't make me say it that I was smiling goofily.

True to her word Emily didn't ask the thousand questions she had. I suspected they were all on the tip of her tongue because I had seen her open and close her mouth a couple of times, before biting the inside of her cheek.

"Is that why you were avoiding everyone?" Emily bit her lip and bashfully glanced over to see if I was annoyed.

"Partly. Sometimes I just get…I slip and need extra time to get back up." I had been serious about my favorite place being my numb line. "Usually I would just drink a lot. Get my brain to shut up and forget, you know, to speed it along so Mum and Eff wouldn't worry."

"Is it my fault then?" Emily pulled her hand away and stopped walking.

"Em you didn't push me down. People can't cause me to slip it's me. I am the only one to blame for my actions or how I think or feel. Normal, simple human shit is just overwhelming to me..." Emily took a small step back and I knew I had missed whatever she meant. She thought I was avoiding answering her, but I really just didn't know what it was if it wasn't that.

"Your hand, Naomi, did you cut up you hand because I put the idea back in your head? Instead of just drinking and moving past it?" She looked ready to explode, lash out at any moment and not at me.

"NO!" The sudden volume jumped us both. "Fuck's sake my actions are my own. If anything you make me a better version of me. It's scary as fuck the things I feel shifting in me whenever you're near."

We both took a moment to hear what I had just said. I think my mouth might have spoken with emotion rather than thought. But though I wish I hadn't said it out loud, I couldn't deny that it wasn't all true. I quickly snapped my mouth shut so she wouldn't see the shock and think I regretted saying it or didn't mean it.

Emily had always made me feel better just by being in the same room. She made me feel less alone, less lonely. It almost felt like things could possibly change if I could just sort out a few things. Maybe it was Emily that would help me sort out those things if I could just let her.

"Promise?"

"Yeah."

"So what now?"

"When moths rest, their wings are flat. Butterflies rest with their wings together."

We had been walking for a while now but I would have rather walked all night nonstop than leave Emily's side right now. Honestly I was still feeling tense from all the memories that had been drowning me all week. Then add the normal stress and the extra from Emily and her clinic friend poking and prodding I was feeling…too much. I didn't tell her any of that though because I didn't want her to feel obligated to stay.

"If you want to go home I could walk you…"

"About that…" she sighed. "Maybe I could just walk you home?"

"I won't really hit your mum Ems." I nudged her hip with our joined hands playfully.

"It's not that. I'm not really staying there currently."

"Well where are you staying? You have somewhere right?" Suddenly all I could picture was my Emily sleeping on the street.

"Yeah, yeah. Kind of just hopping from one couch to another. Stayed in Freddie's shed this whole week." Emily let out a long sigh that I suspected was to cover up a yawn. "Probably going to try for Panda's if her Mum is out or maybe JJ's…want to get some actual sleep instead of partying."

"Don't be ridiculous Em you'll just stay at mine. It's kind of my fault isn't it? I mean if I hadn't of stayed then your Mum wouldn't have freaked…"

"Naomi, _you_ don't be ridiculous," She made it sound like I was actually quite ridiculous. "This happens every couple of months. And I understand that you need space, to get up, as you put it. It's not a problem they're my friends one of them is bound to let me hide out." She was trying to not smother me or make me feel like I had to offer her to stay with me, those weren't the parts that were bothering me.

"Am I not your friend?" It felt stupid to ask but also necessary, if I planned on thinking about anything else the rest of the night. "Cause I know I'm kind of inexperienced…I mean I only really have Effy. And I know I can be…heavy…but I mean, I thought, well I consider you to be…"

"I'm not even going to justify that with an answer. I know that you know we are friends and hopefully one day much more." Emily seemed insulted I even had to ask but the kind of insulted you get when you care about the person a whole lot. "I was being honest, you need time to get your head together and I will wait."

"Well you could wait at my house…"

"Well that is twice now you have rejected my attempts to give you an out." There was no need to look at her to know she was smiling now. "So off we go, back to your's."

"Emily?" She looked over at me as we walked to say she was listening. "Did you cut yourself that night?"

I didn't want to push her anymore tonight. But this was something I had to know. Not because I was going to be mad or upset over it I just...had to know.

"I'm sorry." She loosened her grip on my hand like she expected me to pull away, to punish her based on this new discovery. I simply tightened my hold and continued walking.

Mum and Kieran were in the kitchen, probably drinking while chatting about politics or something. A quick but silent conversation with Emily led us straight upstairs. Agreeing to skip dinner and the conversation that would start the second we walked into the kitchen.

"So-" I started after ten minutes of nothing.

"Nope." Emily's lips popped on the p.

"No?"

"You said I could wait here. So sort your shit out Naoms."

She was playfully challenging me. But I could tell she was eager and curious to potentially see what I actually did with all my time alone.

"Who says I literally don't just sit on the floor staring at the ceiling the whole time?"

"That's all show. You think too much to spend that much time immobile."

"Okay but…" I hated that she knew she was right and I really thought we would just hang out, hoped we would.

"But what?" I looked at Emily, who was relaxed on the bed. She made me feel even more confusion than I already felt towards myself.

"Just don't…judge…or listen…or anything." I turned away hoping she would understand to just wait and see rather than ask me to explain.

First I did actually lie on the floor for a good ten minutes. Trying to comprehend any of the fleeting thoughts passing through my mind. Sure to anyone else I was just staring at nothing lost in thought and I kind of was. But it felt more exhausting than that like I was literally battling with myself to understand even just one small something no matter how fickle.

Then I calmly walked around the room three times knocking random shit to the floor while humming. Tonight I had Stars cover of Asleep stuck in my head for some reason so that was what tune came out. It was innocent destruction. Then I put everything back in its place. This must have seemed mental to Ems but organizing things helped for some reason. I needed order and since I couldn't put my mind in place I just messed up things physically. I don't even know really.

Then I settled back on the floor for a while. Emily didn't join me but she did shift on the bed so she could see me. Thankfully she didn't stare the whole time, after a bit of time with no movement from me she laid on her back and stared at the ceiling too. I stayed like that for more than an hour trying again to understand _anything_.

After failing at that for a second time I walked over to the desk and started drawing. I stuck with the equations because anything else I drew would be too depressing, worry worthy.

I had so many thoughts and felt so haunted that it wasn't hard to start drawing. That's how I can sort of categorize my memories and thoughts, on the page. It's like going through a picture album and seeing a photo and having the memories come back. These lines were like timelines whatever I was thinking about or trying to figure out and work through would end up imprinted on that spot of the page. It also got out of my head for a short amount of time which was an always welcomed relief.

This time I tried not to get to into it. Tried to focus half on the redhead close by and half on getting all this shit out of my head. Soon the shit in my head started taking over though, and when I started hearing his voice again I focused harder. Maybe half hoping this would be the time it stayed forever out of my mind.

At some point I heard Emily move, probably adjusting herself to see better. But I couldn't be bothered to care, I failed as usual, I was lost. Time was passing but it was all irrelevant, time didn't move in the past. Once you got stuck there you just had to relive it, even if it tore you to shreds.

_This will help you to be _normal_, Naomi…help you forget even more._

"Naomi stop." It seemed like a dream to hear such a soothing voice.

_Forget those tendencies of yours…make you a little closer to normal._

"NAOMI!" I snapped out of my head and looked to find Emily on the bed but she was knelt right beside me. "Stop…"

"Stop what Ems?" I felt dazed, like time had literally just hit me in the head.

"Just…stop…" Her voice was huskier than usual and her eyes were shining, if I were to guess I would think she was going to cry.

"I still don't understand." My words were soft and gentle because the moment seemed fragile and I wanted to be comforting to Emily.

"Couple of things. You are going to fuck up your hand." Emily placed her hand over mine to relax my clenched fist, taking the pencil I was holding, causing a throbbing to begin as the blood started circulating better.

"And…" she held my face in her hands rubbing her thumbs across my cheeks. Crying…_again_. What the fuck was wrong with me lately. I pulled away from the action but didn't remove her hands from my face.

"Naomi-"

"I mumbled, didn't I?" Sometimes, and I learned this after Effy demanded I speak more clearly, I mumble things when I get too lost working on these. I knew I had, because I was still feeling slightly disoriented. I shouldn't have gotten so invested tonight.

"I tried not to listen too much…but then you started getting louder which made it even harder not to listen…when I already was kind of half listening." Everything was coming out of her mouth before she could even think of the words to say.

Emily was rambling trying to explain. But it wasn't really necessary. It was one of those times someone was trying to give you a reason to forgive them for doing something, but you didn't blame them or feel angry from the beginning.

"Emily now you stop. It just goes back to the first thing I said. Don't judge. Whatever you heard or saw just…don't."

"Naomi why didn't you-"

"You told me to sort out my shit. Well I'm trying okay? I don't want your pity or your sympathy. _You _are the one who wouldn't just hang out." She hadn't done anything wrong but maybe a little guilt would stop any inquiries about anything I had said. Anger seemed like a good way to cover the growing fear I felt lingering in with this topic. "_You_ wanted to see some of what happens when I'm alone…that doesn't mean you are entitled to answers."

"Why didn't you tell anyone?"

I pictured Effy smiling at how much we were pushing each other tonight. She would have called it dancing but it felt more dangerous than that. Like spinning constantly on the edge of a cliff both promising a safe embrace while threatening to be the cause of the long plunge into dark history.

"Same reason you didn't. I told you, Dad arranged my treatment. Mum rarely visited and when she did Dr. Foster was always near. I think Effy suspected, hell maybe she even knew, she knows everything sometimes." Telling meant it was real. "Past is past anyway." Please change the topic.

"Doesn't mean it doesn't still haunt you."

"Dolphins have to think to breathe, they do not do it automatically." I maneuvered around her and grabbed a half empty bottle of vodka from under the window.

"Do you really think drinking is the solution right now?" The annoyance in her words was a welcomed relief to the pity she had been presenting before.

All I could think as I took a big mouthful of the burning liquid, was just how much it was exactly the solution I needed. I needed to think and the alcohol would shut up my brain long enough for me to do that. And I wanted to forget for just a little longer. But most importantly this vodka was going to help me tolerate the concern in Emily's voice and the sympathy in her eyes.

"Naomi we won't talk. Okay? Just don't drink, not tonight…it's already been kind of rough for y-"

"You made me have a rough night. You told me to sort my shit out. _You_ are supposed to be _waiting._" I swallowed my fourth gulp, well more coughed it down. I was actually the one pushing myself to sort my shit out, for her... "_Silently_."

Please don't leave, please don't leave, please don't leave. It's not really your fault I'm like this, not at all. Why do I have to be such a coldhearted bitch? Because the last thing I ever want again is people trying to help me. I don't need fixing I'm doing just fine broken.

Nausea twisted my stomach which sent my head spinning. This shot my heart full of adrenaline and my pulse seemed to reach such a speed that it felt like it might just stop, like when a sound gets so loud all you hear is silence. My hands began to shake and I felt so insanely hot that I began to shiver. I forced deep breaths of air into my lungs even though it felt like they weren't expanding at all. My mind was wiped clean of anything and yet became overloaded with thoughts.

All the pieces kept tumbling one after another like dominoes until I was in full blown panic. I closed my eyes for no reason other than to try and contain everything within me, hoping maybe it would all just go away. I can deal with the daunting pain of depression and even the constant solitude of anxiety but I cannot handle the panic attacks.

The worst part being that I didn't really have a specific reason, how could I fix it if there wasn't a reason? This logic just made everything worse, made it all seem never ending. Sure there were plenty of things I _could_ be panicking over, even more things I probably _should_ be panicking over. There were lots of things that made me anxious as hell. But I couldn't think of a single one, there was nothing for my brain to focus on and work through.

Probably the best and worst part was no one knew when all of this was happening, specifically Emily didn't have to know this was happening. Every atom in my body was in hyper drive, every fiber of my being stiff yet quivering, everything in me was complete chaos, everything contradicting each other. But I sat perfectly still, to anyone passing by I was just sitting. There were no screams of agony, no blood loss, no tears…just silence.

This was great because no one knew so I could suffer in silence. I didn't have to try and explain or have someone try to explain for me. There was no one throwing stupid remedies or reasons I should be fine. There was nothing anyone could really do anyway, no words of comfort to give, any contact would just make things worse. The best thing was just to wait and hope to hell the ride was over quickly.

But knowing that you were alone with the madness was scary as fuck. Knowing that there was nothing anyone could do was one of the worst feelings I knew. I was helpless on this solitary roller coaster through my own personally designed hell.

What maybe made everything a bit worse was Emily being right about the drinking. The alcohol was adding an extra spin on things. Literally the room was spinning and tilting extra harshly, I had to mentally keep myself from swaying along with it all. I kind of hoped I did throw up, maybe it would make me feel better.

I lasted another five minutes before kind of tipping over. It wasn't a far fall since I was already sitting but it still made a dramatic thump. Normally if the panic lasted too long or got too bad I would find a secluded place. For exactly the reason that things would reach a point where the only logical response my mind and body could agree on…was to pass the fuck out.

The last thing I was aware of was my head hitting the floor causing a thump. The vodka bottle, which I had been clinging to for dear life, being pulled from my grasp. And a husky alarmed voice calling my name.


	22. Chapter 22

Emily POV

Naomi was being a stubborn bitch about that vodka bottle. Was even clutching it to her chest since I tried to ask her not to drink tonight.

I felt responsible for her current state. Responsible, not guilty. Her hand had to be looked at, I didn't regret it. What I did regret was coming here for the night. Not because I didn't want to be with her, because I did. And it was an added bonus that I could maybe kind of keep her safe for the night, not to imply she needed protecting.

But what I had heard her whispering as she sat drawing at the desk made my silent role of the evening nearly impossible to continue. I didn't catch it all but I had heard enough to want to send Cook after that Foster prick. I was ready to call Effy or at least get Gina in here to help Naomi.

The only thing that stopped me was that I wasn't supposed to be here, wouldn't normally be here, she had made it clear I was supposed to be a silent observer. Naomi was processing and trying to get better. It didn't seem fair to interrupt that just because it was breaking my heart apart. She was also I very private person and I had discovered that even when she flat out told you something that didn't mean she wanted you to know.

Eventually I just tried not to listen but then she started getting louder. This time she wasn't saying details or anything it was like she actually thought she was back where ever her memories had her. She just kept repeating _Don't scream… Not happening... Don't move..._ This _is__ not real..._ But instead of feeling like Naomi's voice was ripping my chest right open I felt like she was stabbing fear right into my heart. Naomi's voice was wavering and cracking with complete and total panic and pain.

So I had to stop it, couldn't take it anymore. And now here I was sitting with the closed off blonde who was attempting to drink it all away probably. She was looking rather pale though which was surprising because she was always rather pale.

Just as I took a long breath in to try to break the silence Naomi kind of tipped over. Literally tipped over, like a knocked over chess piece, checkmate, she was out. She hadn't even had enough to be drunk yet.

"Naomi?" I shook her shoulder gently at first but used a little more force after she didn't respond. "Naoms?"

You know in movies when someone passes out and the friend or lover kind of just tucks them into bed? Or when shit goes down and everyone seems to keep a cool head throughout the whole thing? None of that seemed to happen in this moment. My Naomi had just passed out, lost consciousness for no apparent reason. Calm, was the farthest thing from my mind.

I made it about one step towards the door ready to call for Gina when something grabbed my ankle nearly bringing me to the ground. Obviously not _something_ it was Naomi.

"Don't even fuckin think about it." Her eyes were still closed and other than the hand around my ankle she hadn't moved.

"What the hell happened? Are you okay? I was just going to get your mum…" I wanted to be pissed at her, annoyed that she was still being a hostile cow. But I was too worried to be anything but…worried.

"It was just a panic attack." Under her breath I could hear her repeating _I'm fine. _It seemed like more of a chant to herself than trying to convince me.

"Oh well since it was _just_ a panic attack that you literally just passed out from…" Silently I was kicking myself for not having noticed a panic attack. She hadn't even flinched or hyperventilated nothing at all.

"Just…shut down for a bit…how long this time?" Naomi meant it to relax me but it just wasn't having the desired effect.

"Less than a minute…_this _time? _This_ happens often?"

"Do you really want an honest answer to that?" I nodded and though she couldn't see me she took my silence as confirmation. "Often enough that it isn't as scary as it should be anymore. Which is saying something cause everything makes me...anxious. Actually find it rather relieving…even if I don't feel better when I wake up at least it was a bit of time I didn't have to think or feel any of it…" Naomi let go of my ankle, curling her hand back to her chest.

If I had to describe her current position to someone it would probably be the fetal position. But worse than that, like when you're a kid and hear something move in your room at night. And that noise in the darkness causes you to become paralyzed with fear. So terrified that something is coming for you, that you can't even call out to your dad to come rescue you, or turn on a light even though you know it would make you feel better. So you throw the blanket over yourself to hide, and curl into the smallest ball, hoping whatever monster has come for you might just over look you completely, cause you have made yourself so small and insignificant.

She kept her eyes shut tight and her body was shaking ever so slightly. When she spoke her voice was small and steady. But the kind of small and steady that only makes it more obvious how much effort the person is putting into holding it all together.

I actually kind of wished she was yelling at me again. Or even that she would cry or try to hit something. This was horrible just watching her lay there on the floor defeated and broken. But this wasn't like all of the other times I had seen Naomi laying on the floor. This time she was indifferent. I could tell she didn't want anything. There were no thoughts or feelings she would even acknowledge let alone try to process, that was the scariest part. My words or actions were nothing to her.

It was always quite clear that she was overwhelmed by everything. But right now there was literally nothing. Naomi was tired it all even breathing seemed too much to handle. Exhausted to the point of indifference and there is nothing worse than indifference in my opinion. Indifferent means you've given up, you have nothing left to give and you don't even have it in you anymore to care that you have nothing.

"Stop looking so worried Ems, it'll pass." She hadn't even looked at me.

"You're spending too much time with Effy." My voice was oddly light but my eyes were stinging. It's amazing what being strong for someone you care about can bring out of you.

"Maybe… But regardless I can feel you worrying. You're thinking so much its giving me a headache." Naomi forced a smile. But even that was better than nothing, it felt like progress.

"No, that would probably be the after effects of the alcohol or you know the smacking your head on the floor."

"Sorry, okay?" I wasn't moving passed this fast enough for her.

"Naomi you should have said something."

"There was nothing you could have done. Then we both would have felt like shit. I'm _fine_ now, seriously."

"Panic isn't contagious." There was no way I was going to accept her excuses.

"Well actually emotions are contagious to a certain degree…but that isn't what I meant. You would have felt bad for not being able to help me. And you can't deny it cause we both know it's true."

"Not going to deny it." My concern was still present but it was starting to move to the side so the annoyance could have the front seat.

"Nothing would make me happier right now than to sit up and continue acting like none of this did or is happening right now. But…" I could see her biting the inside of her cheek to keep herself from going further.

"But what?" I watched as every muscle in the blonde remained unmoving and stiff. Now that she had pointed it out I was rather curious as to why she hadn't gotten up by now.

"I can't…"

"Can't sit up?" The words came out disbelieving and I could have punched myself for it.

"Don't you understand Ems?" I didn't respond because I knew she was going to explain. "I keep the madness silently contained in me. But that doesn't mean that it's just sitting there dormant. I've locked away in the deepest darkest chamber of my heart, and it's growing stronger, slowly consuming everything. It taints just one thought and then contaminates the rest until the floorboards of my mind are rotted. And I just keep falling through them…just keep getting more…lost."

I waited for her to continue but she just lay there indifferently. Enough time passed that it felt too late to remark on what she had said, to tell her that I understood, to tell her that my darkness was omnipresent too. That it was always silently taking over everything, while I stood by idly unable to prevent it. And now all I could do was stand by and silently watch her suffer, unable to do anything to help.

"I think I'm going mental again. Well obviously not_ again_ cause it never really stopped did it…"

"Naomi, you've never been mental and you aren't going mental…life's just kicking the shit out of you right now." I was failing miserably at trying to reassure her. Not because I didn't believe my words completely but because sometimes words are just words no matter how honest or important they are.

"Emily?"

"Hmmm?"

"I…" Naomi flinched and didn't finish her original thought. "The word volcano originates from the Roman god of fire's name, Vulcan."

"Naomi…" Selfishly I needed her to explain because I desperately wanted to help her.

"I can't move. If I move it might all come flooding back. If I just don't move it will ebb and flow…I will just sway on the edge instead of getting swept away...sinking deeper."

Once it was clear to me that she literally wasn't going to be moving any time soon I carefully took one of her hands. At first she flinched away, but then let me take it. It was funny to think how insulted or hurt I would have been not long ago, to have her flinch from my touch. I didn't move our hands far from her just enough to hold it. I wanted to feel like I was doing _something_ but more importantly I needed her to know she wasn't alone. After nearly fifteen minutes of fidgeting with her fingers her hand gripped mine back.

It was oddly encouraging that simple movement. Not removing my hand from the blonde's hold I cautiously placed my other hand on her shoulder. If possible the action made her go even more rigid. She was oddly cold so I tried to work some heat back into her skin. It eventually just became more like a massage, and it had a good effect, I could feel her muscles slowly relaxing.

"If I move now are you going to stop?" Naomi barely even moved her lips when she spoke.

"Sorry…I didn't mean to…" I quickly snatched my hands away from her.

Naomi sat up for a second, frown firmly in place. Then with one swift movement she readjusted her legs, laid her head in my lap, and recaptured my hand, her grip even tighter than before. It literally felt like she was holding on for dear life.

"Talk to me Ems." Naomi placed our hands under her chin and waited.

"Penguins have knees?" I really was lacking in the facts department, which I never realized until I was spending time with Naomi. She just hummed in response.

"When I was at that place…there was this girl…" Still can't bring myself to say her name, can't even think it to be honest, which felt pretty fucking pathetic. "After a week there I figured…just fucking pretend. Just fake being their definition of normal, you know?"

"But it didn't work, obviously." I could feel the hum of her words on my hand.

"No. There was this girl…" Why couldn't I just fucking tell the goddamn story? "She kind of…we got close, I guess... I don't know if it was because she got caught, or was pressured by the squads…Hell she was probably pretending the whole time just to catch people…"

I had never gotten to ask her for reasons. To this day I still wondered if I was really just that young and naïve that I didn't realize I was being played. Or did she really like me back and was as reliant on me to get through it all as I was on her. Maybe she only betrayed me to protect herself.

"Whatever. We had been warned about behaving and following the right path. I had already gotten pushed and punched around a bit for slipping up. Imagine my surprise when I went to our usual meeting place to find a whole gang waiting for me…"

It had been so horrible to finally step out from Katie's shadow and break out of the mold my mum had formed me into just to get the shit kicked out of me. But what no one seemed to realize was it was too late. They could beat me till there was nothing left and I wouldn't change. If anything they were just setting it in stone for me that this was who I was and no amount of intimidation or pressure was going to make me go back to being shy little innocent Emily.

"And you never like had to go to hospital?" Even though her voice was soft it still jumped me.

"They had this like medical cabin. Basically they just taped you back together and didn't give a fuck about hearing explanations. I only ever went there if I _had_ to. Going to them just alerted them that your peers suspected you of sinning."

All I kept seeing was _the _girl stepping forward to take the first swing at me, to prove to the others that she wasn't a faker like me. That was one of the worst nights. Someone had stomped so hard on my hand they broke two of my fingers. Another person hit me in the knee with some sort of bar or something. Everyone else just enjoyed a good couple of punches and kicks or spitting and name calling.

And no one there saw any of it as wrong or extreme. My preference for girls was that horrible and vile that it deserved punishment. It was that offensive that I needed lessons by day and extra tutoring by night. After a while even pretending wasn't good enough they just knew. I was an easy, deserving target for their hatred.

There was only one other person who got hunted down as much as me. He had that stereotypical voice that everyone automatically assumes a guy is gay because his voice isn't as deep. We spent a lot of time together obviously, but once we left that place we didn't talk much. Not because we weren't friends, more because as comforting as it was to have someone who understood, it was still horrible to have the reminder.

I was getting angry again. That burning kind of anger that leaves your veins clogged with ash. Everything in me was begging me to release it, get that…emotion out of me. Cause any emotion good or bad was just toxic, I don't know when that became a simple fact to me but here I was, skin crawling with flames as my blood boiled, waiting to overflow.

But there was a weight on my legs holding me in place. I focused on the warmth Naomi's hand was creating around mine. It was a different kind of heat but once I remembered to focus on it, it seemed to radiate up my arm.

This warmth was so hot it felt like it was extinguishing everything it touched. I still wanted to run and bleed out everything in me, but it wasn't so much of a need any more, just a want. There was a big difference between needing and wanting about as big as the difference between thoughts and actions.

"Moros was the Greek spirit of doom. He was what drove people to their fates. Supposedly hope was created to distract everyone from seeing their dooms coming."

I smiled down at her even though she couldn't see me. Here I was haunted by my past and tormented by my present just struggling with everything in general and she was stating random information. It was her way of comforting me because she didn't know any other way to.

She just lay there unaware that just her presence was enough to keep me going. Naomi was still clinging to my hand to keep herself grounded to the moment, thought it was just for her own comfort. But she was completely oblivious to the fact that the contact had just stopped every impulsive desire in me.

"Chaos is one of my favorites."

"What's he?"

"Not he, It."

"Why do you like _It_ then?" I was smiling yet again this time at how excited she sounded. Almost like a kid trying to explain their amazing day to their parents or getting to tell them what they learned in class, certain they won't already know the answers.

"Well Chaos was nothingness, it was a dark formless void…but everything came from it. It was believed that from that chaotic nothing came the creation of everything. Though chaos more meant disorder and the creation was the act of bringing order to that disorder."

"Or Janus," she continued slightly less certain if she was meant to. "He was a two faced Roman god who could see into the past and future. He was the god of beginnings and endings, war and peace. Also symbolized growth and change and like transitions."

Naomi paused long enough that I thought we were going to return to silence.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm being squeezed between everything and nothing. And I'm tearing apart at the seams trying to go with both of them. Which is a contradiction, I know…"

"I know the feeling." I cut her nervous rambling explanation short. It seemed like a stupid response but it was all I could think to contribute. My thoughts were clouded and my skin was still crawling with the ache to bleed even a little.

"Ems?"

"Hmm?"

"I…don't move okay? But…you've kind of been clawing your nails into my shoulder for a while now…"

"What?" She was right, my fingers were practically stiff when I removed my hand. "I'm sorry, I didn't, why didn't you say something?"

"Seemed like you needed something to hold onto?" Naomi shrugged and I suspected it was more for her shoulder than to accompany the statement. "You're okay right?"

"Yeah." I swallowed the guilt that even Naomi's support didn't keep my impulses at bay for long and that she was taking care of me when I was meant to be being strong for her. "Yeah, just tired."

"Emily, don't lie. You can't, _we_ can't become…" I wanted to smile as she silently scolded herself for talking before thinking. "We can't ever become an us if we there isn't a you and me."

"Uhhhokay…."

"Effy keeps implying it. Actually she has become quite annoying with her repetitive statements, thinks I don't get it or something…if we are both only half of what we should be we won't last together. Sure to a point it would work, half and half do make a whole, but that wouldn't be enough. I don't know…just don't lie…not to me."

"I can't tell you everything Naoms. It wouldn't be…right. Some things are kept secret so long they don't even feel like they belong to you anymore. You know?"

"Kind of."

"They aren't something you can just share after so much time. The secrets are sort of a part of me now. Or the thoughts in my head are secrets in the making so I can't just blurt them out. Maybe I just need time."

"Fine." Naomi tried very hard to hide any emotion in that word, but it didn't work.

"You really want the cold hard truth?" I felt an almost hesitant nod on my leg.

"I'm going to…" That one stupid word. "I'm going to cut. And there is literally nothing you can do to prevent it. It is literally…It hurts too much. Can you understand that? It hurts so much, everything, for no reason. I'm dead. And I'm dying. But I'm clinging desperately to this life and I'm not even sure I even want it."

What was I even saying? Why was I saying anything at all? Nothing matters right now except getting past this moment. I just had to make it through this moment and maybe in the next moment everything would change. It wouldn't. But that's the part of hope that always killed you, the reality. I was actually desperate, and that felt like the saddest part. That's the part that reminds me how weak and reliant I have become.

Naomi didn't say anything to counter my statement. She didn't tell me she would try to stop me, but she didn't move from my lap either.

"Well go on then." Her tone was calm but challenging.

"You've kind of got my legs." It didn't feel like I was talking anymore. Something in me has control now, like when fight or flight kicks in and you just start acting without any thought behind it. This felt as needed as taking the next breath of air and I would defend it hostilely if necessary.

Naomi adjusted her position settling further away from me than was necessary. Finally I could see those stunning blue eyes again, but I couldn't hold her gaze. For just a moment my eyes stared down at where she had been just moments ago and when I looked back Naomi was staring at the ceiling.

"Told you I wouldn't stop you Emily. If that's what you say is going to keep you here with-if that is what is going to keep you going and there is no other option…I'm not going to stop you." Naomi's voice was completely steady, monotone.

I didn't move. Time was passing but the moment was too heavy to progress past. The only noise in the room was the ticking of a clock. Naomi liked that it ticked too loud, said it sometimes brought solace, knowing she made it another second. It just felt like each second echoed in the silence announcing its death, before settling on my shoulders to haunt me for wasting it.

"I'm gonna…just go." Naomi got up and I didn't stop her. Just sat wondering how much time had actually passed for her to decide to just leave.

"Great job Emily, you made her leave her own goddamn room." I said reaching for that stupid vodka bottle I had been so against not long ago.

Why had I even told Naomi that I was going to? It wasn't like I couldn't keep putting it off until I was back in my room alone. Maybe I was actually starting to want to seek out a new alternative. Maybe Naomi was that…

Time still held no meaning to me, I had no idea how long Naomi had been gone as I polished off the rest of her alcohol. Every couple of minutes I would try to leave the house, desperately wanting to reacquaint myself with solitude.

But I never managed to move at all, my head was too heavy, it had to be the alcohol that had my head nailed to this floor. It couldn't be all the thoughts weighing me down, or that from all the times she had lay where I lay Naomi's perfume had fused itself to the floor, holding me there.

Maybe this was what Naomi felt when she wasn't able to move from the floor. It felt so solid and reliable, everything around me was passing by too fast, but not this spot. Nothing could take this small patch of floor from me. I couldn't fall lower than this floor like I kept falling through my thoughts, falling through time.

Definitely the alcohol.


	23. Chapter 23

Naomi POV

Tonight has been the longest shittiest night I've had in a while. It's like by Emily being okay I'm not, and once I manage to get my feet on solid ground again I push Emily off it. Like there wasn't enough positive energy to fill the both of us at the same time.

Fuck's sake I've been sitting in the hallway, back to my own bedroom door, waiting for almost two hours. I just got up and left her in there to do as she pleases with no way of really knowing when I was allowed back in. Only the occasional muffled noise being any consolation that she was still…

I'm such a shitty friend. Who the fuck leaves their best friend alone after they admit they want to hurt themselves. I don't know how to deal with people. I hated the thought of categorizing Emily as part of the "people" group but it wasn't personal. Humans in general just made me insanely uncomfortable just by the mere fact that they were human.

I just left her in there. Selfishness that's what did this, I was terrified that if I didn't let her keep herself going how she needed to she would lash out. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her but I couldn't tell her that either.

Two hours thirteen minutes and forty-two seconds. That seems like enough time to be alone. To be honest I was kind of getting anxious, this hallway just felt too exposed. Make that two hours twenty minutes and four seconds of alone time since I seemed incapable of turning a doorknob.

So I knocked, got no answer, and then entered. Emily was laying on the floor with her cheek pressed to the vodka bottle she had taken from me earlier. I wondered if that's how I looked to everyone when they found me on the floor small, lost, defeated, just plain old sad.

I knelt beside her, repressing the urge to search her petite body for any type of injury. I held back all my questions as well. Like where she had done it or with what? Was it something from my room that I would no doubt dispose of as soon as possible? Did she need a bandage or was it bad enough to visit her friend from the clinic? Instead I laid down next to her leaving enough distance for her to know that I was there but that so she would know she was in the lead of my actions from there.

"I'm mad at you." The smell of vodka hit me as she breathed out the words.

"I know. If makes you feel any better I'm always mad at me."

"Why would that make me feel better?"

"Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, and Sikhism all originated in India." For once I was trying to initiate eye contact with someone, but Emily just wouldn't meet my eye. "I'm sorry I left you."

The second the word 'sorry' left my mouth Emily turned away from me and I finally thought I had ruined it. This was it, Emily wasn't the one trying anymore, she was done being the believer, no longer wanting to participate in our little dance. I sat thinking it all over trying to figure out how I could back track just a few seconds.

"You've put me in limbo." Emily finally whispered.

"What?"

I didn't get an answer from her. Instead she backed up until her body was pressed against mine. When I put my arm around her she held her breath for twenty-two seconds and when she finally let it out she took hold of my hand and squeezed it.

"What?" I repeated. I knew she had heard me the first time but sometimes if I don't know what to say I just repeat the last thing I said no matter how annoying it was.

"What?" Emily echoed.

"Neptune, Saturn, Uranus, and Jupiter are Gas Giants. They are made up mostly of hydrogen and helium and don't really have a surface."

If there was anything I could wish for right now it would be words or better people skills. I wanted to be able to tell Emily that even though it was all horrible it was still okay. Or rather that it was very far from okay but I would still be here with her regardless. I wanted to confess that the connection between us was undeniable. That I would never willingly hurt or betray her like people had done in the past. I wanted to say all of this, show her everything, but as always I just didn't know how. It was like I didn't speak the same language as everyone else so all Emily got were huge planets that had no stable surface to cling to.

"I'm here you know..." I whispered the words into her shoulder so softly I wasn't even sure Emily had heard them. "I know you probably think I can't handle it, but I can. Whatever it is Ems…I'm here."

"I'm paralyzed. I can't keep going on like this. But I can't move forward and I can't go back and now…" She let out a long sigh. "Now I can't even stay immobile. I can't keep myself going the ways I always have. You've put me in limbo."

"I don't understand."

"I can see a future Naoms, but not how to get to it. And I know what I can continue doing because I've done it all before. But I can't move in either direction because of you."

"Sorry." I hadn't realized how horrible I was making things for her. I felt horribly guilty and wanted to free her from the burden of having me holding her down. I was a complication.

"It's good Naomi, it's just that I don't always accept good things. I hope you can understand that maybe."

"I can."

It was simple, good things could be taken, you could lose them, or they could leave you. When you lose something positive it has an impact, sometimes a devastatingly painful impact. If you just stayed on indifferent ground everything was safer and stable.

"Do you think if I don't move…this…_need_ will go away?" She sounded like someone hoping to be spared from a horrible fate.

"Maybe…Is it still really bad?" Stupid question, that didn't need an answer. "Wait here."

"For what?"

"Just wait."

I made my way quietly to the kitchen and started heating the kettle. Then began the search for the other things I needed. I got some markers, a box of crayons, and some rubber bands from my mum's junk drawer, my bag of string from the living room, and a bowl of ice.

By then the water was ready. Carefully making my way back upstairs with all my supplies I tapped on the door with my foot. Emily opened the door and looked at me like I had lost my mind.

"Yours." I said holding out one of the cups of tea.

We sat next to each other on the floor. I set the bowl of ice in front of her to show that it was also hers.

"Ice?"

"You know…hold a piece for a while…" I answered slipping a rubber band around her wrist. "Or you can snap that. Just don't do either too much or I'll take them back."

"Naomi I'm fine really. It was just a moment of weakness. Whatever, it's gone."

"Convincing as that is Emily, it won't do any good to pretend it's all not happening. That's what causes the buildup…" I took a piece of ice and held it in the bend of my elbow. "Now, markers or string?"

"String? I guess? I don't know…" Emily poked at the rim of the bowl a few times before finally taking a piece of ice, holding it tightly in her hand.

"Alright then, pick two colors."

"Blue." She said and I think I caught her glance at me for the first time since returning to the room. "And I guess black? What's it for?"

"I'm gonna show you now."

We both abandoned the ice, after a few seconds the cold aching was replaced with a heated feeling. I handed her the colors she choose with two random colors as well. Then I took some black and red string for myself.

"Tie them all together in a knot, but try to keep the blue and black as the two outer colors and those other two in the middle." I did this to my own string to demonstrate more clearly for her.

"Okay now, pin it to the bed." I turned around to face the bed we had been leaning against and pinned the string to it by the knot, and did the same to Emily's, feeling kind of stupid for bring sharp objects into the mix.

"Naomi keep going and stop thinking whatever you're thinking." Emily nudged me and played with the string that now dangled from the bed. She actually seemed rather interested in what we were doing.

"Okay you're red is on the left, so take it and lay it over the middle two so it kind of looks like a four." She did exactly as directed, and I showed her the next step as I said it. "Now take the black string and bring it over the tail of the four and then up through the middle of it, and pull tightly but not too tightly."

Emily again did as she was told, but pulled too tightly. It didn't matter really the first couple of knots usually looked shitty anyway.

"Now do the same but always use the red to make the four. Oh and try to keep the two middle ones straight and tight." We both continued doing the same process over and over. By the time Emily had done it ten times I had already done almost double the amount.

"You seem an old pro at this."

"Is that a question?" I ask receiving a nod from Emily as she still tied her strings somewhat determined to catch up. "After I got back from…Effy and mum weren't exactly keen on the idea of me spending all my free time alone in my room. So we would all sit together downstairs. This is what I did to keep myself calmer I guess more focused. Sometimes repetition just helps. I don't know. When I was little I would draw a lot of eights just over and over. Mum would call it attack of the eights."

"Where'd you learn it?"

"At the hospital. After about a week of just sitting ignoring everyone this doctor showed me. Said I looked like I could use a distraction. I think she was a child psychiatrist but after I had been there for a month she left. Gave it all up to go traveling with her sister. And when they got back she just never returned to her job."

"I envy her." Emily whispered. "Sometimes I wish I could just leave it all. Not forever, just for like a break of something."

"Me too. If I were brave enough." I knew deep down I would never be able to but that didn't stop the wanderlust from flooding my veins every now and again.

"Maybe we both will someday." Emily smiled at the thought. "So how long does this have to be."

"Depends what you want it to be? Bracelet, bookmark, I don't know…I usually just keep going until I run out of string and then put it with the rest."

"Think I'll make mine a bracelet."

"Well then let's see." I took the string from her hand holding them in order and moved her wrist so I could wrap it around. "Only a bit more I'd say."

As Emily continued to tie a couple of more knots, I measured my own to find it was perfect for a loose fitting bracelet. So I cut the extra and tied it off, then used the safety pin to pin the two ends around my wrist.

"How many?" Emily said as she mimicked my actions.

"How many?"

"You said you put it with the rest, how many?"

"Don't know." I reached under the bed and felt around blindly until my hand hit the box I was looking for, handing it to Emily. "Count them if you like. Or get an idea from just looking."

"Holy hell." Emily said upon opening the box. If I had to throw a number out it be maybe in the hundred and twenties each one a good meter long.

"Never did find that calm place." I suddenly felt rather ridiculous for having a box filled with so much wasted effort. No one had ever seen the box and I was realizing now that that was the way I liked it.

"At least you can say you've tried." The half-smile she gave me was oddly encouraging.

"Now you can draw or color I have paper, or take a bath, or snap that rubber band…"

I started snapping my own rubber band. I was getting nervous, why was I getting nervous, it's just Emily. Of course there is no _just_ anything when it came to Emily. I was worried I wasn't doing enough, that I was the reason she hadn't done what she had been so determined to do and didn't, couldn't. It also felt really stupid to have shown Emily that box she was still holding, a little more of my crazy for her to see.

"Think I'm all set for now. Though a bath sounds tempting and I might take one later if that's okay?"

"Of course." I nodded.

"Something wrong Naoms?" She asked slipping a couple of fingers between my wrist and rubber band so it snapped her instead of me. I switched to tapping thumb against my other hand.

"Sound travels faster through solid things, because the atoms are more compactly spaced, then water, then air which has the most spacing between atoms. Can I have my box back?"

"Yeah, here." Emily secured the cover back in place and set it in my lap. "They're lovely. You're...sadness creates a lot of beautiful things Naomi, those and the drawings I've seen...it's probably one of the few good things to come of any of it."

"I'd trade it for even a single normal happy day." I mumbled shoving the box back under the bed.

"All of my creativity left me, or maybe I just replaced it, traded it in for…" She looked disappointed as she thought about her words. "Wasn't a very even trade."

"What did you used to like to do?"

"I could draw alright, not as good as you, but enough to satisfy myself. But I really loved to take pictures." It was like a flash of passion momentarily got caught in her eyes. "My dad bought me this film camera, Katie would always try to get me to take her picture when she dressed up. Said it was a fashion show and I had to be the photographer."

"Sounds like a waste of film." I smiled and bumped her shoulder with my own to show I was joking or maybe just because I missed the contact.

"I would never play. Can't even count the times I got scolded by mum." Emily sadly smiled at the memory. "Dad would develop a roll of film every week and we would sit in the garage together looking at them. He would pick one favorite and have me tell a story about it, then ask if he could hang it up. I always said yes of course, I loved that he seemed to love it so much."

"Do you still have any of them?" I had seen some pictures hanging in her room, and if they were taken by her I had to admit I was impressed.

"Yeah. In a box much like the one you just hid under your bed." She teased. "Have a couple hung on my walls, and I think my dad still has the ones he put up in the garage."

"The ones on your walls were great." The compliment seemed to make her sadden slightly again and I couldn't understand why. "But you don't take them anymore." I remembered aloud.

"Nah, seemed like a waste. Dad bought me a nice digital camera to try and get me back into it. I tried, for him you know, but…I don't know just didn't see the point."

"We could go on a picture expedition some time." I suggested optimistically hoping to dispel some of sorrow also thinking that hobbies were good distractions.

"Could I take your picture?" Emily looked up and there was a weird air to the question that I couldn't quite interpret.

"I'd…consider it. Yeah, strongly consider it." As if I could say no if she asked. "Get my picture taken by the famous Emily Fitch."

"Oi! Don't mock me, Campbell." A long yawn escaped her lips.

"Tired Ems?"

"A bit. I'm surprised you aren't. I've kind of made this night long and horrible for the both of us…Sorry." Emily started twisting the rubber band I had given her around her fingers, cutting off the circulation.

"Hey," I tapped shoulder to get her to look at me because I didn't seem to have that voice everyone had to get someone's attention. "No harm done, I consider that a successful night." I gave her a genuine smile that she returned. "Now do you just want to go to bed or do you want the bath first."

"Just bed. Maybe a bath in the morning." Again she started playing with the rubber band. "Have you got some clothes I could borrow, I kind of left my stuff at Freddie's." I nodded as I began gathering clothes for the both of us.

"Something else on your mind?" I could tell that wasn't what she had wanted to ask because I was always avoiding topics.

"Could we go tomorrow?"

"Go where?" My stomach automatically sank remembering the last place Emily had asked me to go.

"To take pictures…" She hesitantly mumbled, like it was a strange thing to ask to do. "I'm sure I could get Katie to bring some of my things here…"

"I'd love to. It's a date."

My eyes widened when the word date slipped from my lips. Luckily I was still turned away from Emily focusing on the task of searching for clothes, so I didn't have to see her reaction or have her see how red my face probably was.

"Great I'll just text Katie and hope she is feeling generous." Once again Emily's voice contained a smile, which made me feel instantly lighter.

As soon as Emily got situated on the bed she started to fall asleep. I think by the time I my head hit the pillow she was long gone. For once I fell asleep within the average span of seven minutes it took most other people to fall asleep and not once in the night did I wake up.


	24. Chapter 24

Emily POV

There were two texts from Katie waiting for me when I woke up in the morning. She had agreed to bring over my camera but stipulated that I would have to wait until after ten because she would _no doubt be passed out still_. The second text stated that she had taken my bag of clothes home to be washed but would bring over fresh ones with the camera.

It was only half past eight now and Naomi showed no signs of waking anytime soon. So I sat silently thinking over the events of last night, absentmindedly spinning the bracelet around my wrist.

I had always kind of scoffed at any mention to the alternatives to cutting. Thinking that I would have to keep constantly busy to distract myself because I was _always_ wanting to destroy myself in some form or another. It had always seemed a pointless effort when I was almost positive I would end up doing it anyway.

But when Naomi returned with a hot cup of tea, which was made expertly, and an armful of other things I actually felt relief. The distraction for once was gratefully welcomed and it appeared that she was prepared to stay up for hours doing things if necessary.

The ice trick was something I had come across quite often. The cold gave you safe aching pain and you would either drop it or it would more than likely melt before you could do any real damage.

I thought the markers were going to be for drawing on myself. Which was another common thing I heard that just sounded ridiculous to me. Cheers if it worked for some people but to me it just seemed silly. But the markers were just another tool for drawing like the crayons, I guess in case I didn't want to use her pencils or pens.

But obviously my favorite had been learning to make the bracelet. She had brought the option as a distraction for me but as she tied knot after knot she became more and more relaxed. I also learned that Naomi was an excellent teacher. Obviously tying string isn't a difficult task but the way she explained it and then demonstrated it was just well done.

I started counting the small colored bumps to keep focused. Just as I suspect the distractions only kept me going so long as I continued being constantly occupied. Call me lazy but a quick session with a blade always seemed easier and way more satisfying than having to stay continuously busy. It was like treading water, eventually you just get tired and even though you know you risk drowning you can't help but let your legs rest.

I watched Naomi sleeping, while contemplating if I could make it to the bathroom without waking her, when Naomi began to stir. She rubbed at her still closed eyes and I had to dodge a fist as she brought her arms out into a long stretch that caused her to groan with satisfaction.

"Stop staring at me." She said before finally peeking an eye open at me.

"How'd you know I was staring at you?"

"Had too many people surprise wake me up, so I've developed a sixth sense." She grinned when she said it but I suspected she was quite serious about the necessary development.

"What time is it?" she asked stretching her back more.

"Just after nine. Katie actually agreed to drop by some stuff for me as long as she could do it after ten. I was just thinking of taking that bath you offered last night. Maybe?"

"Yeah, just use whatever you like or can find. Towels are in the cabinet in there. I'll try and find some breakfast, but take your time there's no hurry." Naomi finally sat up but continued stretching, bed head had never looked so good.

"If you stretch anymore you're going to get even taller."

"Sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for, I was joking."

"Oh, well it's just I can't relax my muscles during the day so day after day I wake up with stiff muscles." I hadn't been expecting an explanation but I suppose it made sense.

"Could I maybe borrow some more clothes? Just until Katie gets here of course." I hated borrowing stuff from people, it always felt like I was indebted to them. Even if it was just using a pencil for one class.

"Yeah, again just pick whatever you like. Though may I suggest that grey and green hoodie." Naomi said pointing to the hoodies hanging on the door as she got up to head downstairs. "Extra comfy and warm, looks a bit cold this morning."

I did grab the hoodie she had suggested along with a pair of black skinny jeans that I would without a doubt have to roll up a bit. The hot water did feel nice, but I opted for a quicker shower. Knowing that Naomi was waiting for me downstairs was way better than hot water.

After quickly dressing I started down the stairs, painstakingly trying to work my hair into a ponytail. I heard Gina laughing louder than I would have suspected her to while talking to Naomi. Not that Naomi couldn't be funny, but it seemed loud noises were likely to intimidate her.

"What is this tea Gina? It's excellent." I heard Katie say through a giggle.

"Hey." I said as I walked into the kitchen finding just Katie and Gina drinking tea. "Where's Naomi?"

"Smoking out back, love. Let me pour you a cuppa and you can join her." Gina and Katie exchanged knowing smiles.

"Why do I feel like you guys are secretly plotting some sort of mischief?"

"Paranoid much Ems?" Katie giggled, adding to my suspicions.

"Here you are, just through that door." Gina said handing me the steaming cup and pointing at the only door that led outside.

"Fine, fine. Have it your way. I can tell when I'm not wanted." I laughed poking Katie in the ribs as I walked by.

"Whatever bitch, take your tea and go." Katie said squirming away from me as she tried to hit my hand away, missing completely.

"Naomi?" I called more letting the smell of cigarette smoke lead me to her than actually expecting a response.

"Hey Em, pull up a chair." Naomi shifted a lawn chair slightly with her foot pulling out another cigarette for me.

"Why are you out here alone?"

"They are a bit…" she was trying to think of a polite word I was sure but decided on going the blunter route. "Well obnoxiously loud to be honest."

"Can't argue with that I suppose."

"I put the stuff Katie brought up to my room…I hope that's okay?" Naomi kept glancing between her cigarette and me waiting for my answer.

"God, I hope she didn't pack me a bunch of leopard print shit. Why wouldn't that be okay?" I asked genuinely confused.

"Didn't want to seem like I was forcing or assuming you were staying longer…or would even want to." She was no longer risking glances at me.

"If that is a genuine offer of another night I happily accept. That just means our _date_ can continue as long as we want." Just like last night when she had let the word date slip, Naomi's ears turned bright red at the word date, only this time I got to see it spread to her cheeks as well.

"So did Mum give you breakfast or just tea?"

"Just tea. Katie and her seemed to be too busy bonding to be concerned with food." I meant it playfully but Naomi looked legit concerned at the idea.

"Hey!" Katie called from the doorway. "I'm heading out now. You going to the shed at all today?" I shook my head. "Whatever then, call me later so we can talk yeah?"

"Yeah." I confirmed earning a sad smile as she went back inside.

"You can go with her if you want." Naomi offered. "We don't have to hang out all day."

"Do you not want to go out…" I couldn't prevent the disappointment from creeping into my words. "I mean last night was long so if you like you know need some time…alone. You could just say. I won't get offended. I can just come back later. Or I could just stay at the shed tonight it's really not a problem if-"

"Emily!" Naomi finally cut off my rambling though the squeeze she gave my knee was more than enough to make me forget what I was even getting worked up about. "I just meant that you were kind of just getting Katie back from what I understood…so if you wanted to spend some time with her you could…and I thought you both looked kind of sad." She snapped the rubber band that was still around her wrist couple of times.

"I saw her a couple times when I was sleeping at the shed and went out shopping with her a bit after school on Wednesday. She just wants me to go back home is what that was about." I was trying to reassure her but that didn't seem to be what was actually bothering her.

"I'm serious Naoms, if you want some alone time all you have to do is say it."

"It's not that." she said attempting a half smile.

"Then?"

"When you are born you have 300 bones and as an adult you have 206." She stated.

Just more things growing up takes from us I thought to myself.

"So where do you want to go today?" Naomi continued after lighting another cigarette.

"We could go for breakfast and decide over that?" I suggested hoping my hungry stomach didn't make itself known.

"Sounds good. Just let me get dressed and you can grab whatever you need for the day."

Naomi stood up stubbing out the remainder of her cigarette holding out her hand to help me up. Gina was nowhere to be seen or heard when we entered the kitchen or when we went back upstairs to Naomi's room. Naomi grabbed jeans and a long sleeved shirt and went to the bathroom to change.

Katie had brought my camera bag just as requested. She had also packed a couple of outfits all from my closet, thankfully. It made me slightly uneasy thinking she had been in my room alone. Alone, meaning completely capable of going through anything and everything and I would never know. Just the thought of it made my stomach drop and my spine shiver.

At the bottom of the bag I found a very dirty magazine with a post it on it that said: _James' contribution. Says he misses you and hopes you come home soon._ I was still laughing to myself over the odd display of affection from my pervy little brother when Naomi walked back in.

"Should I leave you alone with that?" She asked raising a questioning eyebrow at the magazine.

"No! Fuckin James the pervy little bastard." I began to laugh harder but the realization that I really missed my dad and James weighed heavily in my chest.

"So you ready?" Naomi interrupted, distracting me from the consuming sadness that was growing in me, much like she had last night.

"Yeah just need this and this." I said patting the camera bag while holding up my wallet.

"Shall we then." She motioned out the door with a slight bow.

Naomi stubbornly would only reply "coffee" when I asked where or what she wanted for breakfast. We ended up at a small place that made excellent muffins and Naomi finished three coffees and then got one to go as well.

It was my favorite kind of weather the sun was shining bright but there was a cool constant breeze. Both complimenting each other perfectly. We spent most of the morning just walking around. Sometimes Naomi would point at some random spot and tell me something that had happened there. She seemed completely indifferent to the nostalgia all around her.

"That bus bench is the first time I saw Effy out of hospital. I had left the house, sick of Mum constantly glancing in at me as she passed the doorway. No one needs to walk up and down the same hallway that many times in twenty minutes."

"She just cares about you." I knew Naomi didn't mean anything by it really and I'm sure that if I had a mother that gave a damn I would hate it too. But it still made me sad that my own mother probably wouldn't have let me come home to begin with.

"I know…You think she knows I love her?"

"Of course she knows, she's your Mum."

"Just don't know how." Naomi whispered sadly to herself before continuing her story. "I hadn't meant to even sit there, had absolutely no intention of getting stuck on a too crowded bus. But for some reason I just stopped I was trying to rest and get away from everything you know?"

"Yeah I suppose I can relate." I linked my arm through hers to keep her from getting lost in her memories.

"Anyway that's not the point. I was sitting there for a good hour when all of the sudden someone just sat right next to me. Like if they sat any closer they would have been on my lap. And I was already squeezed against the arm rest so there was nowhere to move." The memory seemed to be making her happier she almost laughed thinking about the situation now.

"I wanted to say something but well I'm me, so I went to just stand up and leave when the person finally spoke."

"Oh god, and what did the mysterious Effy Stonem say." I couldn't even imagine what cryptic riddle she would have for the newly released blonde.

"She just asked _How's the real world?_ And then got up with me and left. We walked around in complete silence until she kind of led me back home. Been my only friend since or before really."

"Hey! _Until _now." Naomi giggled and shifted uncomfortably. "_Until _now!?"

"Yes, yes. Until now. Now I two friends of course. Though Cook can be a bit of a wanker sometimes."

Naomi continued walking ignoring my scoff at Cook's name. I could tell she was trying not to laugh. The effort becoming both more apparent and more desperate as she not so casually placed her hands near her mouth. I wanted to take a picture of the moment but all I could do was trace the outline of the button.

"Okay, okay. Emily, Emily is the name of my only other friend on the _entire_ planet." Naomi was holding out her hand to me. She had walked quite far and looked genuinely concerned that since I had let her walk so far I was actually upset with her.

"That's more like it." I skipped ahead smiling as I took her hand and continued walking. "Where are we going anyway?"

"Everywhere? Nowhere? What do you like to take pictures of?"

I looked down at the camera hanging from my neck. That had been part of the problem, nothing seemed worth remembering anymore. Nothing stayed the same and even if it did, it didn't seem to matter anyway.

"Maybe I'll know it when I see it." I replied hoping with enough forced optimism I might actually start to feel it.

"What's your favorite part of this area?" Naomi asked after a few more minutes of directionless wandering.

"I've already showed you, the lake remember?"

Naomi winced at my answer and I couldn't understand why. My memory of lake was all rather lovely. The only sad part was waking up alone but we had moved so far past that it didn't seem to matter at all. Maybe Naomi did what I normally always did, and only remembered the bad of the past. But I couldn't seem to do that with anything Naomi was involved in. If the memory had to do with her I seemed only able to recall the best of it.

"Did you not like it there?" I finally decided to ask.

"No, as I said it was lovely." Naomi bit her lip as she seemed to remember more. "Beautiful even."

"Then what was with that look?"

"What looked?" she was very poorly trying to talk around the subject hoping to continue long enough for me to forget the look. But getting actual facial responses was so rare with her that it was hard to move passed.

"The _that memory is physically painful to remember_ look."

"Do you not remember waking up alone?" Naomi was staring at her shoes like they were disgusting and disappointing. "I just left you there."

"Do you not remember the amazing night before? Or all the other times I've gotten to wake up next to you? Nothing wrong with getting a bit scared once in a while." This was a stupid conversation to be having. "So where is _your _favorite place?"

"The lake." Naomi replied automatically.

"Okay, _second_ favorite place."

"Mmmm…" she pretended to contemplate her answer for a few minutes. "Show you later?"

"Alright, I guess."

We walked around aimlessly for another two hours and I wondered the whole time when I would get to see Naomi's favorite spot. The camera stayed untouched the whole time. Around two o'clock we ended up back at her house both driven by hunger and tired feet.

"Did you enjoy your day of picture taking?" Gina asked as she moved about the kitchen preparing food for us, which she insisted she had to do.

"Who said we were taking pictures Mum?" Naomi asked suspiciously.

"Well I wasn't stalking you if that's what you're getting at love. For one Emily has a camera set in front of her on the table," Gina sighed happily. "And second Katie was rather excited that she had been asked to bring said camera by this morning."

"Yeah, it was a near perfect day just waiting for one more thing your daughter has yet to show me."

I tried to remain happy with the day but all I could think about was disappointing Katie or worse my dad. Maybe asking her to bring the camera was a bad idea, what if they assumed I was getting it all back together. False hope was a killer. What was I thinking, this was good, if they thought everything was fine they would stop giving me those worried looks. Even better I wouldn't catch them trying to see through the sleeves of my shirts anymore.

"All in good time." Naomi said patting my knee under the table, I had to hide the smile that spread across my face when she didn't remove it. My efforts to conceal the foolish smile were only half successful though, when I caught Gina giving me a knowing look.


	25. Chapter 25

Naomi POV

"This is your favorite place?" Emily asked somewhat skeptically. "Brandon Hill, is your favorite place?"

"Why is that so weird to believe?" I asked amused by her disbelief.

"Don't know just thought it would be somewhere…I don't even know really. Just thought you would end up bringing me back to your room."

"Was that an option?"

"No. So why here?"

"Well if you wait another," I checked my watch. "Twentyish minutes the sun will set and that is part of the reason."

I didn't continue with my explanation as we walked. Emily veered us towards an empty bench and took a seat. She was still holding her camera. It had remained off all day but she would occasionally touch buttons on it like she was taking a picture.

The few clouds in the sky began to turn a golden yellow as the sun got lower to the horizon. When that gold started to burn into a deep orange I saw Emily's fingers twitch at her camera again.

"It was like five months after I got out of the hospital that I found myself here." I glanced around to see if I could remember which bench I had laid on. I couldn't. "The sun was setting and I had been drunk for hours already, days really."

The sun was nearly gone now, the blue sky now turned a deep purple and all the clouds a dark pink that was quickly fading. This was one of the few good things I had found about getting through a day. It was like a little reward, before having to face the long dark night to come.

For the first time that day I heard the shutter release of Emily's camera. I kept watching the darkening sky and felt Emily shift beside me to look at the screen. I thought I heard her whisper "Beautiful" at the picture. When I looked over at her the camera was on her lap again as if it had never moved.

"That day was horrible...all the days had been horrible for a while really...but that day had the best sunset I think I will ever get to see."

"Even better than this one?"

"This one is probably number one on the beautiful list." I said. "But that one was the best."

"Hmm." Emily sighed and nodded for me to continue.

"I was…really drunk." I repeated maybe hoping that would make what I had to say seem less dumb. "I couldn't take everyone worrying about me anymore. Even Effy couldn't hide the concern by that point. I just wanted to be alone and I don't understand why that is so wrong."

"You really don't like people caring about you."

It wasn't a question but I answered regardless.

"If someone cares it's just one more person I will disappoint. I don't like hurting people and I don't ever mean to. But I always seem to, and it is exhausting having to worry about someone constantly and feel like you have to watch them or lose them." The sky was mostly dark with the slightest tint of greenish blue.

"That sunset was the best because it was while I was watching it that I realized for just that moment I couldn't remember his voice." I smiled at Emily to see if she was still following. "I know it was probably because I was, as I said, really fucking drunk. But I couldn't remember it and I just stopped worrying about them worrying. You know. And then for the first time in forever I just fuckin cried...I didn't even know I remembered how to cry. It was this weird catharsis...Pretty stupid huh?"

I could feel Emily shake her head and I knew she was watching me, but I couldn't seem to turn my head that small inch to meet her gaze. I felt pretty stupid.

"Anyway, I ended up passing out on the bench. Woke up around one in the morning when I rolled off the bench. I staggered home to find Mum asleep in the living room and Effy asleep in my bed."

"Do you come here a lot?" Emily asked when she was sure I wasn't going to continue.

"Not often and when I do it is only at sunset, when I am desperate for a reason to have made it through a day or a little pick me up before night. But it has never happened again. I've never forgotten any of it since. And two days after that night I drank so much I had to go to the hospital."

We sat on the bench for another hour before getting up to walk around. Slowly making our way back to my house. When we were almost there Emily spoke again.

"Did you ever come to a decision about me taking your picture?" Hopeful curiosity evident in her voice. I loved that about Emily, as numb as she implied she was, she wore her emotions on her sleeve which made it easier.

"I guess you could. But like now? Cause it isn't much of scenery and you are better off doing the surprise attack otherwise you'll just get a really awkward shit picture. Not that any picture of me would be anything but awkward and shitty but like I said get a good scenery and-" I hated having my picture taken and it was making me a rambling wreck.

"How mad would you be if I said I already took your picture?" Emily was avoiding looking at me by fiddling with her camera again.

"What? When?"

"On the hill."

"I thought you were taking one of the sunset?" Her whispered word came back to me and my stomach tightened into knots.

"Well I did…buuuut it may have also had you in the frame as well." Emily glanced at me smiling nervously waiting for my response.

"Okay." I shrugged it off.

"Okay?"

"Yeah just can you do me a favor?"

"Anything." Emily said with a smile, the nerves now completely forgotten.

"Don't show me."

"Why?"

"I'll want you to delete it." I answered simply.

"Fair enough. But it will probably be framed in my room so if you see it, it's your own fault." Emily giggled as she poked me in the side. "Assuming I ever go back." A halfhearted smile took the place of her laughter.

"Of course you'll go back. You said yourself, this happens every couple of months. Your mum just needs time to cool down." I was trying to reassure her but it didn't feel very reassuring.

It was all in the delivery, if you sounded confident about the optimism it was more likely they would believe you. My words were, as always, hesitant and fumbled.

"I hope you're right." Emily gave my hand a quick squeeze before turning another corner.

We had made it back to my street. Emily got to the house first and let herself in. I remained outside for a cigarette before heading in myself.

"It's only a little ways in, I don't mind rewinding it." I heard Mum say to Emily.

"No. That's fine, maybe another time. Naomi had me walking _all_ day." Emily turned when she heard me close the door the serious accusing face faltering slightly as she tried not to laugh.

"Sounds like my daughter." She laughed. "Kieran brought back Chinese it's in the fridge if you want some."

I left Emily and Mum to their conversation and went to the kitchen. First drinking a glass of water then picking at a couple of biscuits. I couldn't seem to bring myself to eat anything. As I crushed them into smaller pieces Emily walked in.

"You can't have Garibaldis for dinner." She scolded from the doorway.

"Why not?" I asked ready to defend my food choice.

"Its…you just…you just can't." she said taking the plate of biscuits.

"Well since you gave such a convincing argument." I laughed grabbing one of the few remaining large pieces from the moving plate and quickly shoving it in my mouth. "What do you propose we eat then?"

"They left leftovers in the fridge."

Together we ended up eating the remainder of the leftovers. When that was done we stepped outside for a quick smoke and then went straight to my room.

"Showed Gina the picture I took…" Emily stated cautiously. "She asked for a _couple_ of copies…but I said I'd have to talk to you first."

"Jesus Christ." I scrunched up my face in disgust and hoped it came off more false than I actually felt. "Might as well show me now then."

"Really?" Emily asked reaching for her camera.

"Yeah. If I say no I'll never hear the end of it from that woman. Though she better know that there is no way in hell it is getting put up…Not that it isn't amazing I'm sure…just that…well." I realized maybe Emily would take it as an insult to her picture and that was the last thing I had meant.

"Gina explained you didn't like your picture taken and definitely hated any pictures being hung on the walls. Stop worrying." Emily was holding the camera out to me.

She had captured the sky perfectly. I could never seem to set up a camera to the perfect settings to capture things. If I actually sat down and read up on it I might be able to wrap my head around it all. But I was positive that even then I wouldn't be able to get a picture like this.

Finally I let my eyes fall on the image of me. I didn't know how she had gotten the angle she did without me seeing her take the picture. The darkened purple and blue of the sky made my eyes look a deeper blue than the cold icy ones that usually stared back at me.

The ghost of a content smile was playing at my lips. And though my eyes weren't really happy they weren't sad either. I wondered what I had been thinking at that exact moment. Every thought played through my head but I couldn't picture any of them keeping the normally evident chaos at bay.

In this photo Emily had capture a rare moment of actual calm. Just like that one moment I had described to her. Only here I was sober and there were no tears, though now I did kind of feel like crying.

"Naoms?" Emily's voice broke through my thoughts.

"I wasn't joking when I said your photos were great." I flashed a quick smile at her before focusing back on the camera.

I couldn't seem to compliment the picture displayed on the screen. But stating the obvious fact that she had talent behind a lens seemed to be good enough. If the smile on the redhead's face was anything to go by.

"I just clicked a button." Emily replied all her attention placed on the bracelet she had made the previous night.

I could tell she wasn't playing the modest artist card. It was like when my Mum would cook a really good dinner and Kieran would compliment it. She would always say she just followed the recipe. It wasn't a denial that the food was great or that she hadn't done a good job, just that the credit wasn't wholly hers.

"It was a great sky tonight." I said because I didn't want it to be anything but the sky that made the picture so great.

"Mhmm." She said taking back the camera and looking at the picture for a second before shutting it off. "So is that permission to give it to your Mum?"

"Two conditions."

"Name them."

"I want a copy and you have to sign and date the back." Emily laughed slightly at my first request.

"Done. And the second condition?"

"I get a picture of you. And I get to take it. It's only fair." I added finding that confidence to make it sound believable.

"Fiiine." She handed the camera back to me and waited.

"Oh no, I'm going to take it when you least expect it. You ninja attacked me…it's only fair." I repeated because it was my only real argument in favor of my second condition.

"This second request has a lot of stipulations."

"Is this on click the button and get a picture mode?" I asked examining the camera.

Emily leaned closer to me and flicked and turned some things on the camera before resting back against the headboard.

"Is now." She smiled.

We ended up watching movies for the rest of the evening. At one point Emily went downstairs for a drink and came back with an armful of snacks and beverages, claiming my mum had said they were necessities for a movie night. About a quarter of the way through the third movie Emily fell asleep.

As creepy as it might sound watching Emily sleep just one more thing that I had learned to love about her. When she was awake she always had that mask on, that false persona to keep everyone content. Always keeping everyone at a comfortable distance from any wreckage, deceiving them into false a confidence of her well-being.

But when Emily was asleep, that all changed. For the most part she was just relaxed and calm. But occasionally she would shift and her features would betray something deeper. A frown, furrowed brow, sometimes even a distressed whimper. Obviously these weren't the best things to discover under someone's carefully constructed façade, but at least it was something real. Sometimes it almost drove me mad how together Emily managed to keep all her chaos.

The best thing was much rarer than that though, and the reason I was so determined to wait to take her picture. Just from the few times I had actually been awake while Emily slept I had seen it three times. Always Emily would toss and turn and start mumbling things I couldn't understand. It seemed like she was struggling so much that I just instinctively reacted. At first I just whispered stupid facts to her because though I wanted to protect her from whatever her head was putting her through I didn't really know how. Then I remembered what she had done to try and comfort me after I passed out so I rubbed her back.

It felt stupid to me to try and comfort someone, especially someone who didn't even really know they seemed to need comforting. It also felt stupid because I never like being comforted, except lately by Emily. But as stupid as I felt still whispering useless nothings to her, it worked. When she seemed to return to her calm motionless sleeping I stopped.

That was when I saw it. Emily snuggled into the pillow and smiled. That was it, she smiled with a soft content sigh. But it was the most amazing thing I had seen from the redhead yet, and that was saying something because everything she did nearly stunned me into shock.

It was different than any other smile, there was no force behind it, no false laughter accompanying it. Even when she genuinely laughed or smiled I could always see the sadness waiting to return. But that smile was happy and safe and peaceful.

I finished watching the movie and then watched it again because I was too afraid to move. I kept telling myself it was because I didn't want to wake up Emily. But sometimes at night I just couldn't sleep or move or anything if I knew I was the only one awake.

After watching it for the second time I muted the television, and two hours later Emily started nudging me in her sleep. Going through the same routine as all the other times, Emily eventually settled back into the pillow. This time instead of clinging to the pillow like she normally would, Emily lightly grabbed onto my elbow with one hand and clutched tightly to the sleeve of my shirt with the other.

Now I was completely frozen for a whole different reason. But I still got that perfect smile. When it finally came Emily's hand traveled down from my elbow and took my hand. And that is what I ended up taking a picture of. Holding the camera at probably the most awkward angle possible I snapped three pictures hoping there was enough light to have gotten a somewhat decent picture.

Examining the pictures several times I deleted two and kept the best one. Looking at the screen I could see half of one hand tightly holding onto my shirt and the other loosely intertwined with my own. But what made the picture a keeper was in the background I could see that smile. It was out of focus and probably not what anyone else would notice about the picture, but it was all I could see. Finally putting the camera away I started staring at the ceiling.

The next thing I'm aware of is a light tapping and a hand touching my shoulder. This is a worse way to wake up than being stared at. Practically jumping away from the hand I nearly fell off the other side of the bed.

"Sorry love." Mum sighed gently. "You've got a call and I couldn't wake you."

I was too busy realizing I was on the other side of the bed, the space was cold against my skin. Before I could ask if Emily was downstairs I felt paper against my leg.

"Right, I'm coming."

My tone was bluntly dismissive as I followed her downstairs. I would have felt bad if I wasn't so distracted. The less important was that I had a phone call and everyone I would care to talk to knew to text because calls made me anxious as hell. Then there was the tension of how I was woken up. But all I could really focus on was the note clutched in my hand with one word on it. _Sorry._

"Hmm?" was how I answered the phone, too distracted to feel uncomfortable, trying to recall what I had done yesterday to cause Emily to leave.

"This is Naomi yeah?" Katie's slight lisp giving her away.

"Mmhmm." The noise came out high pitched. Suddenly my full attention was on the silence emanating from the phone waiting for an explanation why Katie would be calling me.

"Emily still there?"

"No."

"Well do you know where she is?"

"No." I repeated.

"Jesus you aren't very helpful are you." Katie scoffed into the phone.

This was why people who knew me didn't call me. I wasn't a talker to begin with so there was just a lot of silence interrupted with short answers. But the silences were more noticeable over the phone. Talking to me in person was only a slight step up because they could see me fidget, which was at least something entertaining about the conversation. If you wanted real answers, texts were the way to go.

"Well do you know where she would go? I called her this morning because Mum was having tea with some slag from that camp she went to, and they were both asking when she would be coming round." My mouth actually dropped at this information.

An acute sense of clarity settled over everything as I took in Katie's explanation. Now I understood completely why Emily had disappeared, if ghosts from my past jumped out at me I would have to.

"Fucks sake, Naomi!" Katie yelled.

"Hmm?"

"I asked if you knew where she would go?" she repeated, putting extra emphasis on each word like she was talking to someone who didn't speak English.

"No. Well, maybe. I don't know." Automatically the lake came into mind but I couldn't very well tell Katie about that, it was Emily's personal place.

I could hear Katie talking to someone. She did a poor job covering the phone because I made out "being difficult" and "_you_ talk to her" before Effy's voice became loud and clear.

"Naomi." Effy said patiently. I hated that tone, it was like the Effy Stonem gaze was transformed into her voice. But instead of reading you like a book it forced you to speak whatever she wanted to know.

"Fine Eff. But I can't tell you where I think she is. If I find her I'll call, okay?"

"Naomi." Effy repeated slower.

"I'm fine Effy."

"Fine then, call me when you have an answer." I heard more muffled talking and I thought I could hear Cook's voice. "Is there anywhere we can look?"

"I only know of one specific place, other than that you're guess is as good as mine."

"Later, Naomi. And tell Gina you are leaving, don't just disappear."

I just hung up, went straight upstairs to get dressed and then headed for the front door. But paused at the last second.

"Mum?" I called down the hall.

"Yes love?" she answered from the living room.

"Leaving."

"Alright, be safe." She tried to sound indifferently casual but I knew Effy was right to remind me to tell her.

I knew she hated when I just disappeared even if she didn't know where I was going she wanted to be told. Ever since I tried to leave them, Effy and Mum had been weary of letting me leave alone. They never tried to stop me or anything but I could always see the worry that they on some level wondered if they would ever see me again. I guess I understood, but I still hated it. So the fact that I had told her meant I wasn't trying to hide away or vanish. It was a small gesture of reassurance for them and it wasn't like it was much to ask.

Without another word I left and started to make my way to Emily's lake.


	26. Chapter 26

SI trigger warning

* * *

Emily POV

"You weren't at the lake." Naomi stated walking the rest of the way to the bench I had been sitting on for nearly three hours now.

"No." For once Naomi wasn't the only one who didn't know what to say.

"Crocodiles and alligators can't stick out their tongues." She said when I didn't say anything to keep the conversation going.

I just couldn't think of anything to say to her. I couldn't even figure out how to tell her that she didn't need to say anything. But maybe that was more because I knew deep down that if I did say that she might actually listen.

When I heard Katie telling me "some girl" that I was friends with at that camp was having tea with our mother, I nearly threw up. And when she told me that they both were requesting my presence I honestly thought I was having a horrible dream. Not even my mother could have the nerve to ask me to go there and the girl…she just couldn't really be there.

The only response my mind came up with when Katie asked for a third time if I was coming was to just hang up on her. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that I was completely over that place I always seemed to trip over it. It was Naomi shifting next to me that had finally brought me back from the paralysis. From paralyzed to out the door in ten seconds.

There are certain things that can trigger a person into making impulsive decisions. A sort of panic takes control of your actions. Almost like when a magician hypnotizes a person to act like a chicken every time they hear a certain word.

But it can be anything, a sound or smell or a combination of things that make everything unbearable. All that you know, all that is around you, is nothing in that moment. Because your mind is now a broken record or maybe it has transported you right back to the worst moment in your life. That's where a certain degree of desperation comes into play, that's when you start to suffocate.

When I heard Katie say that the girl's name was Candace it just kept echoing. That one little pull was all it took to make things start clicking and igniting and I was caught in the crossfire trying not to shatter but kind of hoping I did. The word ricocheting around my skull and everything in me was imploring me to just make it stop. So that was exactly what I did and ever since I had been sitting on this bench.

"Shit." I heard Naomi breathe out.

There was no need to ask what because I knew I hadn't exactly been discreet with my actions. Looking down at the blood soaked sleeve I imagined the mess beneath it. The normally meticulous process of my cutting had gone out the window. I was drowning, and not many people stop to think about taking an available breath, they just fucking take it.

"Why'd you come here?" Naomi tugged on my sleeve. It was how she had always reacted and it always seemed weird to me. Naomi Campbell using _conversation_ as a distraction tool.

"Don't know." I pulled my hand away giving a shake of my head to warn her off.

"Alright if I tell everyone you're okay?" I shook my head again causing Naomi to add. "Won't tell them where you are, just that you are okay."

"But I'm not." My voice cracked.

I closed my eyes instinctively because I didn't know what that crack might release. I squeezed my arm tightly until I couldn't stand the pain anymore. I felt Naomi stand up and I was certain she had left. It was when I loosened my grip on my arm that Naomi reacted. I felt one of her knees land between my shoes as she knelt in front of me taking my hands.

"Hey…" I actually almost laughed at the tone of her voice.

She was trying to get me to look at her but she hadn't quite mastered the tone everyone was always using on her. Probably because she never actually wanted anyone's attention to be focused on her. The attempt was enough to deserve the wanted response so I looked up. As always her eyes momentarily frroze everything that hurt.

"Make a deal?"

"No." I had to look away to actually deny her, Naomi just nodded in acceptance.

"I don't know what I'm meant to do." Naomi whispered more to my knees than to me.

"The box jellyfish is the most venomous animal in the world." Naomi started nodding to herself like she had just made a decision and got to her feet. "Okay. Come on."

"No."

"No." she was still nodding her head ever so slightly trying to be convincing with her determination. "We have to go see Peter and then we have to go home because Mum will start to worry. And if she starts worrying you can be sure there won't be a moment of quiet for anyone for days. Plus tomorrow is Monday, we have school…"

"Naomi I know for a _fact_ you are probably at least two…" I felt her shift slightly. "No, three chapters ahead in probably all your classes. And Gina is _your_ mum so _you_ are the one who has to go back. As for Peter…don't need him."

"Naomi just go." I had reached that point where the words coming out of my mouth were the exact opposite of what I actually needed but were definitely what I had convinced myself I wanted.

Naomi did as asked. I almost called her back but my mouth just wouldn't comply. It was a couple of hours later when the sun started to set that I realized I had nowhere to go for the night. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through the contacts. By now Katie would have told everyone to call if they saw me and the last thing I wanted to do was play twenty questions with everyone I encountered. I opened a new text to Ian, probably the only person on Earth I could talk to about that place without having to explain.

_Hey Ian! How are you?_

I didn't have to wait long for a response.

_Just fine Emily Fitch. Though I'm guessing you aren't?_

My phone started vibrating in my hand.

"H-h-hey..." My voice stuttered over the word making any attempt at hiding anything pointless.

"What's wrong?"

"Candace apparently stopped by my house today."

"And you punched her in the throat?" he guessed, trying to make light of the situation. "Can we meet for coffee soon? Would be great to see you..."

"That would be nice...text me a time."

"Bye."

The conversation was short and simple just like the conversations always were between us. We would go ages without talking and then one day one of us would call and just like that there would be plans to meet up and chat. I felt a little better now that I had something to look forward to even though I knew it wouldn't really solve anything.

I had already been sitting on this bench way too long but I couldn't seem to move from it. My fingers were just starting to lose the last of their warmth when a hoodie landed in my lap. When I looked up I saw Naomi walking away for the second time. Only this time I watched her retreating form stop and sit on a bench.

I didn't even give it a second thought as I got up and followed her. Pulling on the still warm hoodie I realized she was now probably just as cold as I had been.

"Could see you shivering from here." Naomi stated when I was close enough.

"Have you just been sitting here watching me the whole time?"

"I well…I was…" Naomi thought I was mad at her for staying when I had asked her to leave. If she twisted her fingers anymore I was afraid they might actually snap off.

"Naomi." I placed my hand over hers to stop them and waited for her to look. But she just closed her eyes and put her hands on her knees. "Sorry, okay? That was…my version of shutting down."

"I'm not mad." She blurted out as if the mere thought of me thinking so was completely absurd. "Not at you anyway. And I'm not stupid. I regretted leaving you last time so this time I stayed. Simple logic."

"Well who are you mad at then?"

"I'm just not good with…people. And it is kind of frustrating not being able to do simple things everyone else does so easily." She was clearly not just talking about today.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You just sat on a bench for hours to be there for someone." Naomi still wouldn't look at me. "That's more than most people would have done for someone who didn't want help."

"Stop comforting me." Was all she said before taking my hand and standing.

"Where are we going?"

Naomi ignored my question and started walking, making sure not to lose my hand, she let the increasing distance pull me to my feet. I willingly followed her for the next twenty minutes before refusing to take another step.

"Where are we going?" I repeated, almost demanding an answer this time. "I'm not going to the hospital."

"No you aren't." she agreed quietly.

"Then where are we going?" I asked not hiding my confusion. I had been ready for a fight, so sure she was going to try and bring me to Peter.

"Not really sure…I…don't get mad." Naomi waited for me to nod. "I asked Effy what I was meant to do. I didn't tell her anything just that you didn't want to go anywhere…" she added quickly. "And she said that I was just overthinking and to simply not make you go anywhere you didn't want to go."

"Right…but that doesn't answer where we are going." I did hate that she had discussed me with Effy, but I knew that she had done it in the past. It seemed that sometimes she just needed the reassurance or the slightest bit of guidance.

"Already answered that. I don't know where. There were only two places I can think to go and you already said no to both. And I'm pretty sure that since you avoided everyone all day you didn't want to go to any of their houses either."

Now that she had explained she started to walk again. It was actually something I loved about Naomi, she didn't see silence as a thing that needed to be filled. Sure if she thought she was supposed to say something she would try but usually it ended up being facts or she would have sixty percent of the conversation in her head so when she did speak it could get kind of confusing. But for the most part she was someone you could be around and not feel the pressure of keeping them entertained or worry they will get bored and leave you.

"We can go back to your's tonight and I'll try for Panda's tomorrow." It never felt right staying at anyone's house too long, I definitely didn't want to overstay my welcome.

"Oh, right." She didn't say anything else just kept walking, now in the direction of her house.

Effy was there when we got there and Naomi directed me upstairs making sure her eyes lingered on my sleeve. While I changed she remained downstairs.

I grabbed the last clean shirt Katie had brought me and borrowed one of Naomi's sweaters and brought it to the bathroom. I pulled off my shirt and started washing it a bit in the sink. The whole time I couldn't stop watching the new marks on my forearm.

Four deep indents evenly spaced horizontally across my arm with several other marks I would call scratches. Abandoning the shirt I let the cool water wash away some of the smudged blood. If I tried to clean them up now they would probably just start bleeding again and there didn't seem to be enough time for that. Just the water was enough to make each side of the cuts appear more swollen and pink making the four deepest cuts seem much worse.

The grip of some unknown creature had once again been loosened. My arm pried free of it's clutches for now but not without leaving it's mark. That's how I felt, marked, claimed by my own mind's twisted form of survival. An intricate mechanism of vices meant to keep me functioning. And the further I fell into that dark miserable limbo the better I felt.

Wrapping the wet sleeve in the rest of the shirt I shoved it to the bottom of my bag. It wasn't like anyone was really going to be looking through my bag but I still felt compelled to go the extra step of trying to hide it. I could hear Gina in the kitchen probably making tea and I could hear Effy talking in the living room so I assumed Naomi was with her.

"No routine tonight?" I heard Effy ask.

"I don't…people think…" Naomi stopped trying to explain entirely the second I entered the room.

"There's a routine?" I was asking Naomi but ended up looking to Effy for an answer.

"Well _normally_ Naomi has a routine…" Effy smirked knowing Naomi didn't want her saying anything which made me feel bad for asking. "Gets quite pissed off if it can't be done."

"It's nothing. Anyway Effy has her own routine to keep up with. You can cross off checkup on Naomi and move on to shag Cook or whatever." Naomi's aggravation with the subject only seemed to spur Effy on.

"Well it's a time thing really. She has to do things at or by a certain time. Like she can't eat anything past seven, and she has to brush her teeth between six thirty and six forty or she can't do it, pills at seven-twenty..."

"Eff…" Naomi was staring at her hands which she was twisting in what looked like painful looking directions.

"I'm going Naomi." Effy said as she stood. "Hey."

She waited for Naomi to look but Naomi was still focused on her fingers. So Effy slowly approached her and knelt down and then even slower, placed her hands lightly over Naomi's.

"Naomi." They seemed to be having a silent conversation of sorts I almost thought I was intruding and should leave. Every few seconds Naomi broke the eye contact causing Effy to sigh. "Emily isn't people." She finally whispered before getting up and leaving.

"Emily is people…I'm a person." I said sitting next to Naomi hoping my blatant confusion would cause her to explain.

"It's a compliment." Naomi said getting to her feet.

"You never do any of those things…" I had never seen Naomi doing any of the things Effy said she had to do.

"Not like its life or death." She was facing the doorway obviously wanting to go back to her room and end the conversation.

"But you want to." I wasn't even sure if it was a question or statement.

"It feels…better…right…if I do them when they are supposed to be done. It's stupid."

"Effy didn't seem to think so."

"Emily." That was definitely a please stop talking about this.

"Do you want me to go?" It seemed like every night I had spent with her I had unknowingly been causing her extra stress.

"No, it's fine." Naomi sighed.

Now she did start walking to her room and I was hesitant to follow. When I got to her room she was sitting at her desk spinning a pen around her thumb a couple of times then tapping it on the desk quickly before continuing to spin it. This, if I was learning to interpret Naomi correctly, was her being agitated.

"I just don't like people knowing my stupid…shit." She said tapping the pen rather aggressively against her knuckles.

"Everyone has stupid things they like to do."

"Stop doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Defending me or trying to justify my actions to me. I know I'm…" Naomi finally abandoned the pen and faced me. "It's good that you are okay with it, that you don't judge me or whatever. But saying that anything about it is normal is just wrong. Nothing about it feels okay. It makes me feel like you are trying to comfort me and I don't need comforting."

It was really hard to not try to explain to Naomi that she wasn't the freak she saw herself as. The things I said weren't meant to really comfort her as much as tell her that everyone, though maybe not to the extreme extent she dealt with, had weird quirks.

"I'm sorry." It was taking everything in me not to find somewhere else to stay. Staying didn't feel right tonight but I knew going would hurt her. "I'll try harder okay? You just have to tell me. Can't keep thinking it or making statements without explaining it."

Naomi just nodded and turned away, retrieving the pen.

"I'm not people Naomi." I repeated Effy's words. "You don't have to stress yourself out more to try and impress me. From what I've gathered just me being here is impressive enough."

"I like that you make it so I don't...think about it...It doesn't feel like time is collapsing when you are here just because I didn't meet the deadline to brush my teeth...it's like time understands that I don't have to rely on a carefully constructed routine for support...because I have..."

"Naomi..." There were so many thoughts racing through my head that no words came to mind.

"Let me see your arm." Well that was a sure way to get me to stop talking and I was pretty sure that was her intention.

"Like you said, early start in the morning."

I didn't bother changing my clothes and instead of getting into the bed I laid on the floor. It had nothing to do with avoiding Naomi and I could only hope she didn't take it personally. The luxury of a bed was just too much, even that form of comfort was more than I could bear tonight. This didn't even make sense to me so when Naomi silently got into the bed for the night I was happy not to have to explain.

About every ten or fifteen minutes I would hear Naomi sigh. I wasn't sure if she was even awake but like clockwork she would sigh. And occasionally it would be accompanied with the rustling of blankets or squeaking of the bed. This lasted _all_ night and in the morning Naomi got up, got ready and then stood by the door until Effy showed up and then they left together.

Naomi was right, I couldn't really afford to miss more classes. But missing one morning class didn't seem as horrible as missing all of them and I had gone all last week. This was enough reasoning for me so instead of following them to the school I walked in the complete opposite direction.

Of all the things racing through my mind all I could really think was that I really needed coffee. I didn't want to think about what Candace's appearance here meant. Couldn't give a fuck to even consider dealing with going back home. It seemed like enough effort was being made just agreeing to go to school later. The throbbing cuts on my arm were demanding attention but now just wasn't the time. And Naomi…coffee was definitely the safest option to focus on.

Three coffees and half a pack of cigarettes later I hadn't made any progress in lightening the weight baring down on me. School was feeling like an absurd notion the closer I got to it. How was I meant to focus and participate and keep up the idea of being a functioning human when all of my insides felt rotten?

It was like I had sunglasses glued to my head, everything was ten shades darker and I didn't want to pretend anymore. I didn't want to force a smile to all my friends when the fact that their smiles came so naturally and were so genuine that it literally gutted me.

There is only one thing I care about as I approach my friends and that is the lazy smile on Freddie's face. I am instantly envious of those distant glazed over eyes.

"Come on Freddie." I say cheerfully continuing past their table without pause.

Freddie never needed to be told twice or had to have an excuse to get high so I didn't need to turn around to know he was following me. Once we were a good distance away from the building I turned to face him. That lazy smile still in place now supported a perfectly rolled spliff.

"How's it goin, Emsy?" he mumbled as he lit up.

"Much better when you pass that shit over." For the next ten minutes we just relaxed against the trees. One of the reasons I liked to hang out with just Freddie was he was content just smoking and chilling out with friends.

"I was surprised to see you, thought you and Naomi had ditched." Freddie said.

"Naomi came to school?" I responded.

"Yeah, but she left halfway through our art class. My first thought was she went somewhere with Eff but I just talked to Effy and she didn't know either." He explained casually.

I was about to ask if Effy had gone to find Naomi when I saw her approaching us. My first reaction was to yell what the fuck at her closely followed by the want to start looking for Naomi.

"Emily, take a walk?"

"All set here." I answered indifferently.

"Freddie." Effy said just as calmly. That was all it took for Freddie to start to walk away.

"Freddie?" I hollered after him.

"Have to get to class Em! Catch you later." He waved without looking back.

"So let me see then."

"Where's Naomi?" I asked ignoring Effy's request.

"With Cook apparently." Effy said holding up her phone.

"Why exactly is she with Cook and not with…I don't know…_you_?"

"We had a bit of a disagreement of sorts this morning. Now let me see."

"See what?"

"Not sure yet." She continued waiting as if this was magically going to make something appear.

"Look I don't know what Naomi told you or what-"

"Actually I've gotten more out of you in the last minute than I did out of Naomi all morning." Effy's gaze as usual started to make me squirm.

"I don't understand."

"And there it is." Effy said making sure I saw her eyes purposefully look at my arms. "But first, Naomi gets extremely frustrated when she doesn't know what to do it makes her irritable, bitchy."

"Right, thanks for the insight." I scoffed sarcastically.

"My point being that she has a lot of emotions but she isn't always quite sure how to feel them. But loyalty is something she does extremely well." Effy continued not deterred at all by my growing annoyance.

"That doesn't seem like much of a point." It was taking everything in me not to just walk away. I didn't feel like dealing with this cryptic shit today.

"Well Naomi was frustrated and bitchy as hell this morning but was loyally silent about it. Wouldn't even try to explain anything to me which means it wasn't completely about her. And the only person our Naomi is emotionally loyal to and surprisingly protective of is…"

"Whatever." Now I did start to walk away. Just another thing I didn't care to hear today, someone caring about me.

"You're not going to class."

"Didn't Naomi tell you? I can't afford to skip anymore."

"It's Kieran's class for fuck's sake. Just get him to fill you in when you go to his house later." Effy started to lead me in the opposite direction. "Besides we have things to discuss."

"I've had quite enough of our discussions for the day. And I won't see Kieran later because I'm staying at the shed again." I sighed but continued walking with her because honestly I didn't really want to go to class.

"Emily, you are good for Naomi. But, and not because she isn't trying, Naomi isn't always so good for you."

"Naomi is perfect." I said defensively before I could stop myself.

"I don't deny that." Effy smirked. "You must understand Emily, that Naomi is _exhausted_ from trying to process and show all those emotions you display so easily. It is good that you push her and that she wants to be pushed...but it is _exhausting_. That is why she keeps appearing to just shut down almost, whether she is aware of it or not. She just needs time, which is why she is with Cook and not us."

"I told her she can always take time."

"But you see telling her that is kind of just pointing out to her that she, as she said says, isn't normal. She doesn't know how to help you right now. Something happened that seems too much for either of you to handle apparently. So for today, I'm going to help you. Let's go to my house."

"I don't need help."

"You know what's given you away twice now?" Effy didn't wait for me to guess or argue she just reached over slow and steady and stopped my fingers from playing with my sleeve. "This."

"What adjusting my shirt so it feels more comfortably?" I knew I was being too defensively aggressive. "We're not going anywhere."

"Well for now, let's just walk." It was the exact advice she had given Naomi yesterday and for now I decided to just follow her.


	27. Chapter 27

SI Trigger Warning

* * *

Naomi POV

I hated when I became super aware of my own movements. Like when I noticed my breathing and became convinced my lungs weren't working properly, or when I had to focus on my tongue's movements or I might swallow it. Or like right now I was pretty sure I was so focused on making sure my walking was normal that my legs were actually moving awkwardly.

This mostly only happened when I had to walk around alone. But I couldn't stand sitting and having to try and think of something to say to Effy. She was usually quite understanding, that I just didn't talk that much but today she just kept pestering me. Whenever I asked why, she would just say there was something different. Lately everyone seemed to be expecting more and I just didn't seem to have what they wanted.

"Mind if I walk with you Blondie?" Cook's give away accent interrupted my thoughts causing me to jump.

"Jesus Christ." I muttered.

"Sorry. Been calling to yah for some time now." Cook smiled bumping my shoulder. I loved that he didn't take offense when I stiffened from the contact.

"Effy send you after me cause I don't need a babysitter."

"Nah man. Been walkin with you from across the street for a while now but you didn't hear me I guess."

"How long?"

"Half hour? Maybe?"

"And it didn't seem odd to you that you were walking in a giant circle?" I asked now even more suspicious that he was watching over me.

"Fine, but Eff didn't send me. Saw you sneakin off and got inspired by you rebellious behavior didn't I?" Cook grinned in that way that not even I could stop a small smile from mirroring it.

"You're a lot nicer than people think aren't you Cook?" I asked as I turned left again to continue the same circular route I had been on for over an hour now.

"What makes you say that?"

"I don't know how to…be…But you've never pointed it out or made fun of me about it…"

"Ever occur to you that maybe I'm just too much of a prick to have noticed?" Cook bumped my shoulder and grinned when I stiffened this time.

"I don't think that's it…But you're secrets safe with me." I carefully and quickly hit my shoulder to his just like he had done.

"We'll be shagging in no time Blondie." Cook teased.

"What's going on with you and Effy?"

"Just a shag." Cook answered a little too quickly.

"I know I'm not the best advice giver…but can I give you some advice?"

"Guess so."

"Just tell her."

"Advice Blondie?"

"That was it." I felt my ears burning as the stupidity of my words repeated back at me.

"No, can I give you advice?" Cook added quickly. "That's good advice for the pair of us. Yeah?"

"I can't just say that to Emily."

"Why? True isn't it?"

"Ye-no...I don't know." It felt more complicated than just saying I like you. "All I know is that just saying her name feels more refreshing than any breath of air I've ever forced in and out of my lungs. And my pulse doesn't feel like it's beating the life out of me just racing to try and keep up with her, to get even one more second with her. My muscles aren't stiffening because she is too close I'm just bracing myself for the moment she pulls away and I'm expected to keep functioning in her absence...Sometimes I feel like I can just finally...be."

"Oh...you do know, you just don't know it."

That was the last he said for two full circles, he just kept handing me cigarettes, but I didn't argue. Even if he was, as I suspected, keeping an eye on me at least he wasn't asking me a thousand questions. It was actually kind of nice. And I felt insanely stupid for having told him all of those things but at least it was to him and not like...Effy who would have never let me live it down.

"Well, this is me Blondie." Cook said finally stopping at a street we had had passed three times now.

"Okay. Bye." I watched my feet as I started walking again.

"Naomi." Cook called after eleven steps.

When he didn't continue I stopped and turned slightly assuming he thought I wasn't listening or something. A pair of boots were standing slightly too close to me.

"Nothin'." Cook finished. "Just stallin yah for Effy to catch up."

"Just left Emily." Effy said when I started walking again. "She is staying with me tonight."

Of course Emily was staying somewhere else, she had said she was going to. I had been telling myself repeatedly that it wasn't anything personal since she had mentioned leaving yesterday. It wasn't that she was sick of being around me she just needed space. But she was always saying she was going to find somewhere else to stay, which kind of implied she was _always_ wanting space.

"Then why are you here?"

"One to tell you to stop walking." Effy said taking my arm to bring us to a stop. "Two to redirect your path to my house."

"Don't do sleepovers, you know that." My stomach turned inside out just at the thought.

"Unless they are with redheads." Effy sighed before quickly continuing. "I need you to make Emily let me help her."

"Don't see how I'm going to be of any use, Emily needs a break from me. I'd rather just go home anyway." Lies.

"Never the easy way." Effy shook her head as she started back towards her house.

"Mad Eff?" I said hoping she could hear me.

"Just worried and maybe a bit annoyed." Effy sighed.

"At me?"

"Naomi." Effy sighed again.

I knew Effy never wanted to just flat out tell me when she was getting tired of me. Sometimes I wish people would just have out with it so I would flat out know what was annoying and what wasn't. It would be horribly traumatizing, probably forever, but I can guarantee I would never do whatever it was again.

"At me Eff? I said again.

"You're stubborn today."

"Do you think she is?"

"Who is what?"

"Do you think she knows?" I don't know why I was voicing any of this out loud. I didn't want answers.

"We aren't on the same page today and I can't say I like it much."

She didn't give me a chance to ask any more questions, she had made it to the corner and turned down it. I knew I had told her I would rather just go home but now that she had walked away I wasn't sure what I was meant to do. Had we decided I wasn't going with her or was I meant to follow.

There was a very simple solution to this dilemma but instead I just kind of stood there. Then I realized how ridiculous it was to think I would be going anywhere but home so that's where I went. Today was just a drawing kind of day, maybe because I had left during art class. The second I got to my room I got comfortable at the desk. Forty-three minutes later I got a text from Effy.

_Text if you need me._

I didn't answer because I wasn't quite sure what I had done to warrant concern this time. To be completely honest I didn't care to find out so I just kept drawing. Besides I didn't need her so there was no need to text her.

Another hour later I had a cut up heart hanging by its own bloody veins from a skull with a couple dislocated parts. That was maybe what Effy was worried about and it annoyed me for some reason. Turning off my phone seemed to help though, so did abandoning the pencil.

I was feeling pretty frustrated and I thought I knew why but I wasn't really sure. That seemed to be a running theme with me and I hated feeling confused. The frustration progressed to irritation which soon became pure aggravation.

I was as usual laying on the floor staring at the ceiling trying to remember that there wasn't much more support I could get than a solid floor. Everything felt too hot and like my skin didn't fit right, especially at my elbows. It would have felt nice to be able to reach in and adjust those bones just a little so they fit right.

The trouble was when things got like this I just wanted to do what had always worked. Which was to destroy something, the trouble was I knew Mum was home. My throat felt so tight I don't even think I could swallow which was irrelevant since my mouth seemed drier than Hell. The other trouble was I couldn't even seem to find it in me to let that be a reason not to do what I did next.

I unwrapped my hand and tugged at the stitches. They came out surprisingly easy and it felt better to flex my hand without feeling my skin tugging against them. If I don't leave this hand alone I am going to fuck it up beyond repair, that's what I kept telling myself. But it was kind of like trying not to scratch an itch or even better finally getting to scratch an itch that had been bothering you for ages.

"There are three main layers of skin."

I began poking at my hand. It didn't take long to start bleeding. I was actually kind of worried about that. What if I wasn't healing properly, not because I wasn't letting it, but because there was something wrong with me health wise. I was never healing right.

Now I was bleeding again and admittedly it did help but my skin still didn't fit right. I started lightly tapping my hand on the floor hoping the repetition of the light movement would be enough. As usual it wasn't so I started knocking harder. Thump. 1, 2, 4. Thump. 1, 2, 4. Thump. 1, 2, 4.

On some level I was probably hoping Mum would come in and help my bones settle better. Mostly it was the vibrations of the movement that seemed to be helping. It was wrong that this was the only thing that felt right, somewhere in me I knew that.

"Are you okay love?" Mum said leaning into the room.

"I don't fit right."

"Of course you fit right." She always had this tone for situations like this. Most of the time when she had that tone on I couldn't hear her words all I could process was _I don't understand_.

"Right, I just forget sometimes."

"Do you want me to stay for a while?" I knew she was actually asking if she could please stay because she was worried.

"Can spines melt?" I didn't want to tell her she could stay but I couldn't seem to tell her to go away.

"Naomi, what's going on?" I heard her open the door a little more and shift hesitantly, she didn't enter and I didn't answer. "No, I don't think they can."

"Thanks, Mum." I was glad she said it even though it was a stupid question, the reassurance made me feel better. "I think I'm going to go to sleep now."

She just nodded and backed out of the room pulling the door with her. I moved to the bed even though I was pretty sure I wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon.

Lying there waiting for sleep to take over and give me rest from the thoughts that never cease with their attempts to drown me. This pillow knows every side to the story, it remembers the weight of every decision. Every possible variation of how things could have been had this or that happened. These blankets had analyzed and covered every inch of everything that had ever taken place.

Sometimes I wonder if I can never find sleep because my bed is as exhausted from it all as I am. How many times do you have try to explain it all to yourself before you are allowed to give up? And if _you_ can't even understand anything why bother trying to explain it to someone else?

All I knew was that I didn't know anything. That whatever the something was that I didn't know could not be contained by time once it had taken hold of you. That it haunts the past, burdens the present, and distorts the future. It is deaf to words of explanation and void of all emotion. You can't fight it or control it, only bend to its will.

And as far as I was concerned that wasn't a whole lot of information to make anyone, even myself, feel any better about the situation at hand. So yet again I found myself lying in this bed. That was so crowded and overwhelmed by the amount of nothing it had to cradle. Yet so empty and void of any meaning.

I finally felt the comfort that only loneliness can give you, where you convince yourself you are happy to be alone. Every blink my eyes take seem to last longer and I feel so relieved to finally be falling asleep that the excitement almost wakes me back up.

I hovered over her as I lost myself in her eyes. Her necklace danced across my chest, as she leaned in for yet another kiss. I tried to hold my breath to make the moment last even a second longer, but it's hard not to gasp when she was just inches away. Her breath settled on my neck as she let out a sigh that was lined with laughter. I felt her smile before I even opened my eyes.

The room was darker than night and a cold settled throughout the rest of the room. But the heat between us could have burned up the sheets and I can honestly say I wouldn't have given it a second thought. Her muscles tensed as my fingers traced her hips I swear I knew every curve better than this house.

These images snap away and I hear a tapping and fight the urge to open my eyes. Despite my efforts, I move in slow motion as I reach for her wrist to convince her to stay. As she slowly backs away from me I fail to grasp your hand. I hear her whisper something but I can't quite make it out over the knocks. With each tap she gets further from my reach. I almost get her hand but she pulls away, shaking her head. _Love _is not_ a concept_ she whispers shaking her head at me.

The tapping turns to knocking and I look at the door which is extra dark with the silhouette of someone. For some reason this doesn't freak me out. It's like I was expecting it without knowing I was expecting someone to come into my room at nearly midnight. It occurs to me how weird it is that Effy wouldn't just get into the bed with me.

I can faintly make out red as Emily knocks on the door again a little harder. It's like she hit sense back into my brain, she couldn't see me looking at her, the room was too dark. Which meant she was still knocking because I hadn't responded but wasn't moving because she knew I hated being shaken awake or stared at.

"What." My voice doesn't sound like I had been asleep at all.

She fumbles over my shoes which I had left by the door. Luckily Mum and Kieran sleep like rocks. When I was little it made waking them up a challenge. I would stand there in the dark performing a special combination of poking her and saying Mum? And without fail she would be startled awake and gasp in fear like she assumed it was a robber instead of her daughter.

"Why are you here?" It comes out harsher than I intended but suddenly my hand felt heavy. "I mean how did you get here?" She didn't answer right away, instead she took off her shoes and crawled into my bed taking comfort in the warmth of where I had been laying. I sat on the edge waiting for an answer or explanation anything really.

"Cook took Effy out on a date." Emily explained. "Like an actual proper date. I think he even wore a clean shirt."

"Cook took Effy out at midnight?"

"No." she laughed. "They've been out since maybe eight…I couldn't sleep."

"Why are you so chipper?" I didn't need to see her face to know she had a smile glued to her face.

"Katie showed up at Effy's."

"And?"

"Apparently she punched Candace in the face. Got her good from what she said." Emily was trying not to smile at this information but failed miserably.

"You told her what she did?" I could just imagine Katie-fucking-Fitch taking out revenge on some bitch for mistreating her sister.

"Noooo." Emily said as it was the craziest thought. "Apparently though the "bitch kept talkin shit about you and some lad" so Katie smacked her and then when Mum told her to apologize Katie told her that she was a bitch and left."

"Why don't you tell your friends?" Emily didn't answer. It was probably a dumb question. "You couldn't sleep so you walked all the way here?"

"Mhmm." For someone who couldn't sleep she sounded as if I had just woke _her_ up from a peaceful sleep. "How do I tell what is pushing you and what isn't?"

"I'll tell you." If Effy was going to try and interpret my brain she needed to give the full translation from now on.

"But you don't." she whispered.

"If something bothers me I'll tell you."

"But you won't" she countered again.

We both knew she was right but instead of arguing or trying to convince her I just laid back down. I hated that Effy knew when things were getting too much for me sometimes better than even I knew. It was obvious to most people that I was uncomfortable but only Effy was able to tell when I was buckling under the weight of it all. But what I really hated was that Effy was filling Emily in on this little insight of her's.

"You and Eff have a nice chat did you?"

"Mostly she tried to...analyze me?" The thought still made Emily uneasy. "Asked me some stuff like what that girl had on me or where I disappeared to. I think after I get this ghost from my past exorcised I might...actually give Effy a go at trying to sorting out my head."

"Did you let her patch up your arm?"

"No."

"She can you know, did once for me."

"It's not as bad as it looked." End of discussion.

"How did I even become a topic of conversation?"

"Cause you are what matters." Emily yawned out and snuggled closer to me.

"Right." That didn't seem like an actual answer because _Emily_ was all that mattered and she still wasn't letting anyone help her. And I was to idiotic to figure out how. But she was so close that it seemed stupid to dwell on it for now.

"Will you go meet a friend of mine with me tomorrow?" she asked to change the topic. "_After_ school."

"Depends…" I didn't like the idea at all, I didn't even like meeting up with the people I knew. "Are they going to poke me with needles?"

"No." she laughed and the heat of her breath made the sleeve of my shirt extra hot. "His name is Ian…we were friends…"

"Were?"

"At the…camp." She finished. "He agreed to catch up over coffee. I'd love for him to meet you."

"Okay I guess." I let my answer be the end of it, any more talk about it and I was sure to start getting anxious already instead of just nervous.

"Don't be mad Naomi. Just go to sleep." Emily patted my shoulder and my breath hitched.

"Not mad." I stated staring into the darkness.

"You have sighed like ten times since your head hit that pillow. I'm sorry I woke you up."

"I'm a compulsive sigher." That was true.

"I've noticed but ten is excessive even for you." she yawned into my shoulder. "It's not Effy's fault. I just worry that I'm...too much."

Emily fell asleep within ten minutes but I couldn't even close my eyes. Now, it was okay though because Emily was here. As much as that was confusing and overwhelming it was also just what I had needed tonight. I just didn't seem capable of realizing that yet. I had just assumed that I was feeling extra anxiety tonight because too many things were going on, it didn't occur to me that it could have been the absence of Emily.

It bothered me to an incredible extent that they had been talking about me. Not because they were talking about me so much as the topic. Emily thought she was bad for me and that didn't make sense because she had been nothing but a positive impact. Obviously any impact has some rubble but positive means there is more pieces put together when all is said and done.

And admittedly I worried that they would become best friends and ex out the the middle man. Then I would have no one which was maybe how things were supposed to be. But Effy would be good for Ems it she would only give her a chance.

For the rest of the night all I could think about was how my hand was going to get infected and fall off. All I could picture was bacteria gathering and growing under the bandage. But I couldn't think of what to do, I couldn't un-open it. And asking Emily for reassurance would involve telling her why I was suddenly extra worried about my hand dying. This time I would let it heal completely I swear.


	28. Chapter 28

Emily POV

"Ready?" Naomi said standing at the door.

"Not waiting for Effy? You always wait for Effy."

Naomi just held up her phone for me to read, she was tapping her hand against her thigh but I could tell she wasn't being impatient.

_Cook and I ended up taking a bit of a road trip. Won't be going at school. Sorry…_

"Let's go then." Naomi nodded her head slowly and started tapping her fingers against her phone. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah."

When she still made no move to open the door I leaned around her and did it myself. Then I took the lead in walking outside and turned to see if she was following. She wasn't.

"What's up?"

"I feel like I've forgotten something…" Naomi stared off deep in thought. Obviously going through a mental checklist of sorts.

"Naomi love." Gina said walking down the hall. "You haven't forgotten anything it's because Effy isn't here. You just have to go and then the day will feel normal again."

I watched Naomi consider Gina's explanation of her forgetful feeling. For a minute I was sure she was going to reject it and insist that it was something else. Instead she just nodded more and kicked the door frame lightly a couple of times.

"I'm leaving now Mum." She mumbled.

"See you after school."

"Nope." Naomi said walking passed me.

"No?" Gina said to get Naomi to stop and explain but Naomi seemed to be in her head a lot this morning.

"We're going for coffee with an old friend." I offered.

"She's going to be a little shit all day." Gina sighed watching Naomi continue to walk. "I heard Effy told you about her routines?"

"Yeah but I thought that was at night?"

"It kind of is. But some things have become consistent without her noticing. Like Effy walking with her every morning."

"Right." I was beginning to get really jealous of how well Effy and Gina knew Naomi. Irrationally maybe because they had known her longer, but jealous nonetheless.

"Advice love?"

"Hmm?"

"Don't mention it." Gina winked and then nodded at Naomi who had stopped.

Naomi stood still until I caught up and then started walking again.

"Naoms, some of us don't have the luxury of long legs." I said trying to keep up.

"Sorry." She came to a complete stop again.

"Well no, we can keep walking just…what's wrong?" If Gina were here she would be tutting and probably have smacked me upside the head.

"I have a presentation in math." Naomi started tapping her hands together.

"But you know math in and out, it'll be a breeze." I knew it couldn't have just been that Effy wasn't here, sure on some level that probably bothered her but she wasn't as sensitive as they seemed to think. "Sorry. I know that doesn't help really but I didn't know what else to say."

"I'm apologizing in advance. I promise to be friendlier by lunch." Naomi stated ignoring everything I had said. "Can we get to school now? If we don't get there I probably won't go..."

"Yes."

Naomi wasn't so much friendlier at lunch as she was just insanely quiet. Even I knew better than to ask her how it went. Even if she had done it perfectly she would without a doubt be tearing it apart piece by piece in her head by now.

"You don't have to meet Ian today if you don't want to."

"I'm trying okay?" Naomi sighed into her hands. "Do you not want him to meet me now?"

"That's not what I said."

She was clearly taking what I had said wrong. I had meant that since she still seemed on edge about the presentation that she could just go home. I hated the thought of adding extra pressure or stress onto her when the morning had already clearly been shit. Naomi had interpreted it as me being ashamed of her and not wanting Ian to meet her.

"We are being weird today. I'm weird today. Can I meet you out front after school?" Naomi said getting up from her chair. She was picking at the edge of the table as she asked this.

"I guess. Where are you going?"

"For a walk. I feel weird today."

"Naomi." I said to get her to wait while my mind desperately tried to find words. "Should I be worried?"

"No."

As reassuring as that obviously was, I was kind of freaking out. One because today had been weird so far for reasons I couldn't quite put my finger on. And two because Naomi had been extra distant and now she was leaving because she "felt weird."

After classes I waited for nearly half an hour, but Naomi never showed up. Which was fine, if she had decided she wasn't up to going out, I just wish she had told me. Now I was going to spend the entire afternoon wondering where she was or if she was okay.

I got to the coffee shop before Ian. While I was waiting I counted how long I was able to keep hold of my extremely hot cup. Rarely making it far past a minute. When he got there the first thing I noticed was that he still had a limp. One day he had just started limping and when I asked why he just gave me that_ do I really need to explain an injury while we are here_ look. Because he never got it properly check out it never really healed right.

When he sat down across from me he flashed a genuinely happy smile that I couldn't help but mimic. I took in all the small things that had changed. His hair was much shorter and darker than when I had last seen him and there was something else that had changed but I couldn't seem to work it out.

"Katie punch Candace." I blurted out.

"Wha?" Ian's smile grew even bigger and he tried to hide his laughter but couldn't quite put forth the effort it took. "I mean I don't support violence in any way but…"

"I know. Say no more." It was quite entertaining to watch Ian go from amusement to shock. That's when I realized what else had changed, Ian was happy and not just because Candace got a bit of payback.

"I mean…did you get to see it?" He asked still trying to hide his grin behind his hands.

"Unfortunately no. But I have felt a Katie punch and I can say from experience that it probably hurt like fuck. We Fitches may look small but…" I tried on my best tough look but it just made him laugh more.

"Did you see her at all?" For the first time since sitting down Ian stopped smiling.

"I don't know how." I said sipping my coffee which seemed too sweet all of the sudden. "I'm scared what will happen if I do."

"Well she can't hit you Emily. We aren't a couple kids at a stupid camp anymore." He chuckled at the thought.

"That's not what I'm afraid of." It felt stupid to have called him here because there was nothing he could really do. "How did you…you're happy Ian."

"I am." He confirmed. "You remember Trevor and Caleb? Well I ran into them a while ago and they just seemed so…pathetic. They didn't have power anymore Emily…aaand I met someone. And suddenly it just…didn't matter anymore. Even my leg stopped hurting so much."

"I'm sorry I dragged you back here." I really did feel guilty. Here I was drudging up the past when he had finally let it go.

"Don't be it's always good to see you. But maybe seeing Candace will take away that hold she seems to still have on you." We didn't talk for a good half hour after he said that. "I don't want to go but I'm actually going to meet my girl soon. We can get together again really soon yeah?"

I just nodded and waved when he said goodbye. It was always shitty saying goodbye to Ian. They were always those tricky goodbyes, a false goodbye, the ones that sound like _see you soon_ or _talk to you later_ but they echo. And every day you hear it again and for another day you don't get in touch.

Not because you don't want to, but because you had a long day and you are tired or because you get to actually see that friend you haven't seen all week. It's no one's fault at that point, life just keeps creating distance. The thing to remember is that eventually those echoes will get harder to hear the more space time puts between you and it all.

The problem was that Ian was the only one in this situation successfully creating that distance. And I just kept falling a breaking. By now the pieces were so small no one seemed to notice anymore, that crackling under their feet was normal. It was just the way I was now, sometime I even forgot there was a time when things were different. But then shards would sink a little deeper, maybe to remind me or just for the joy of watching me crumble. But it never felt normal, not to me. Routine maybe, sometimes necessary, but never normal.

I don't know what I had really been expecting. It was always the same, we talked about it without really talking about anything. But for some reason I always felt better after seeing him. Even now when I kind of thought the jealousy would have settled in over how well Ian was doing, but all I felt was happiness for him.

Now my mind was fully back on Naomi and where she could possibly be. The most promising place was probably her house so that's where I headed first. I barely walked twenty steps when I heard someone call my name.

"Emily."

"Naomi?" I turned to the source of the voice. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry."

"What are you doing here?" I repeated dumbly.

"I couldn't do it. I kept trying to walk back to the school to meet you but my feet just wouldn't…" Naomi was staring at her feet like they had betrayed her.

"It's fine…all you had to do was text…What are you doing here now though?" I started walking again.

"Okay…don't get mad okay…" Naomi didn't say anything else just held up her hand and kind of motioned for me to understand from there.

"What?" Of course I understood but I wanted her to explain when or why or anything.

"I cut my hand again." she said looking at her hand which was still held in the air.

"Yeah I got that. I meant like when?"

"What does that matter?"

"Okay why?" I was becoming more confused as to why she had even told me.

"What does that matter?" Naomi repeated seeming completely confused by my questions or why I was even continuing with the topic.

"Right, well then why…did you just feel like telling on yourself?" It wasn't that it was bad she had admitted it I just couldn't think of a single thing that would make me do the same.

"I'm paranoid. But that isn't actually why I came here."

"Why did you come here then?" Naomi clearly wanted to talk but the words were lost unless I asked the right questions. "What are you paranoid about?"

"Was meeting your friend good?"

"Why are you paranoid?" she didn't answer me. "Ian was great, he's doing great. Do you feel better?"

"Better?"

"You said you felt weird earlier." I hated that I thought it but she was still kind of acting weird.

"Have you taken care of your arm yet?" She wasn't even avoiding my questions, it seemed more like she had so many thoughts and they just weren't coming out in order.

"No, are you okay?"

"Just a long day. I feel weird. But that doesn't matter either."

"Okay."

"Lobster blood is blue when exposed to oxygen."

"What's going on?" Naomi was fidgeting and looking everywhere but at me and kept looking at her watch a lot.

"I don't know how to tell you things."

"Maybe when the right time comes…the words will just happen?" If I could have helped her get the words out I would have but all I could think to contribute was time.

"No I'm going to show you, that's why I came here. To catch you before you left." Naomi explained. "But you can't tell mom or Eff and after I've shown you and explained…you can't talk to me about it either."

"Am I going to regret agreeing to that?" Naomi was completely calm which seemed to be the cause of my hesitance to go along with her plan.

"I don't think so?"

She took a sudden right and kept walking. It only took about five minutes to get to her destination which was apparently just a random street corner. After five minutes of waiting Naomi still hadn't said anything or explained what I was supposed to be seeing.

"Naomi?"

"Just wait." She instructed.

Yet again Naomi was twisting and tapping her fingers. I knew whatever she wanted me to be seeing was happening because suddenly her hands clenched into fists and she took a step closer to me.

"That's him." Her voice was low like whoever it was might hear us.

"Who?" I said scanning the face of every man within sight.

"That's my dad." She whispered.

I tried to follow her gaze and figure out which man was the right one. I tried to see any part of Naomi in any of the strangers but that's all I could see, strangers.

"Blue coat, glasses." She added still staring across the street.

Finally I knew which man to be looking at. He looked like a plain guy talking on his phone. But all I could really see when I looked at him was a monster. All I could think about was what he had sent his daughter, my Naomi, to endure for months.

"We have to go now." Naomi stated suddenly.

"What?" I looked up to see if she was serious but she was already walking in the direction we had come and I had to practically run to catch up. "Naomi what-why…"

"Not yet." She said keeping up her quick pace.

I decided to save any more questions because it was obvious she was trying to put as much distance as possible between her and her father. I instead focused on keeping up with Naomi, so much so that I couldn't even focus on where she was leading us. My steps were caught in that awkward pace between walking and jogging while also trying not to step on her heals. When she suddenly stopped I actually walked into her.

"I didn't mean to see him the first time and when I did I ran for the hills. All I could think was that if he saw me he would send me back." Naomi lit a cigarette and tried to calm her breathing. "Like he really could have...I know stupid…but sometimes irrational seems quite logical to me."

"Have you ever talked to him?"

"No. I have nothing to say to him."

I almost wanted to argue with her. How could she think she didn't have anything to say? This wasn't how I would have reacted I would have wanted answers or to punch him, something. But maybe that was why her reaction should have made sense to me, we were always kind of opposite.

"I was just wandering around because Mum said if I spent one more day locked away in my room she would take the door. And that's when I saw him there and I thought it was just coincidence but I don't know…after the first time and I ran, I went back and he was there again about the same time. It appeared that he was there every day at that time so I never really go to that whole area…ever…just in case you know."

"Why did you today then?"

"I don't know…to show you he existed? I was wandering around all day trying to sort things out but then that was useless so I wanted to help you."

"I don't understand." I wasn't sure if she was going to actually explain or if I was supposed to be kind of reading between the lines.

"What was your first thought when you saw him?" Naomi continued after she put out her cigarette. "Not when you remembered what he had done, just your first thought."

"That…" It was kind of hard to put aside knowing what he had done now that I thought about it. "That he was just an ordinary man, I guess?"

"Exactly Ems." Naomi nodded clearly happy with my answer.

"I'm sorry, I still don't understand."

"He's just a man Emily. He had been this horrible big bad in my life. I thought and worried about him all the time. One random memory could have me drowning in vodka for a week. And then one day there he was and he was…just a man. There was nothing he could do to me anymore." Naomi lit two cigarettes and handed one to me.

"I think I understand."

"I know it's completely different." She said kicking the ground. "I know it's probably stupid to compare the two. If I saw…Foster…"

"If you saw Foster you better get as far away from him as you can." All I could think was how much I would want her to send Cook after him.

"That isn't the point. If I saw him it would be different…he's the real monster…so I know how you feel about Candace." I cringed at the name and Naomi patted my shoulder to apologize, the gesture made me laugh lightly.

"I think you are the second person today recommending I face her."

"No. If you don't think you should, I don't think you should. All I'm saying is that sometimes, _not_ always, but sometimes those horrible monsters are just people, which really I guess are the worst kind. But the only reason they are able to remain so strong and terrifying is because the past keeps them that way. Time protects them, gives them more strength than they probably even had to begin with…I don't know."

"I understand." I reassured.

"Just remember not to mention it around anyone. I think it would upset Mum and infuriate Effy and I don't want them to worry or anything."

"I won't. But...you're okay right?"

"Yeah. I mean I hate him and I'll never forgive him but he can't do anything to me anymore. That may sound stupid to say he has no effect but is a source of strong hatred but...he can't...hurt me anymore..."

"I get it. Thanks..."

"I didn't do anything?" Her expression became completely puzzled at my appreciation.

"Naomi…" I realized I had started to speak before I actually had anything to say, so her name just kind of hung in the air.

"Emily?" Naomi responded, frowning at my continued silence.

"I l-Nothing." I covered quickly hoping she wasn't aware of what almost came flying out of my mouth.

It was just so weird that I had just come from having coffee with the only person I thought could ever understand what getting the shit kicked out of me night after night felt like. And then Naomi swoops in and says exactly what I had been wanting to hear without knowing it.

Maybe Ian had said basically the same thing now that I thought about it. But having Naomi explain to me that time was keeping me stuck seemed much more convincing or encouraging. Now all I had to do was decide if I was actually ready or even brave enough.

"Can we go home now?" Naomi asked as if we were just getting out of class or something.

"Yeah of course…can I stay the night? Just one more I swear." I honestly felt bad for asking but I couldn't actually imagine myself anywhere else tonight.

"Mum's making dinner tonight." Naomi stated.

"Oookay." I laughed.

I had to tap her hand three times before she realized I was asking to hold it. It was then I remembered that what she had said earlier about being paranoid about her hand, but it was again put aside when Naomi opened one of her clenched fists and let me take her hand. And once she did take my hand she didn't let go, not through dinner or the two movies we watched after or when we went to bed for the night.


	29. Chapter 29

Naomi POV

It felt like my brain was too big for my skull. There wasn't enough money on this planet that could have persuaded me to open my eyes. Even my own breathing seemed to be encouraging waves of pain to keep engulfing my senses. I reached over to ask Emily if she could do something to stop it, but she wasn't there. Before I could even try to wonder where she had gone I heard the door open.

"You're Mum was right." Emily's voice said from the doorway.

It was its usual low husk but it was so overwhelming my hands snapped over my ears to block some of the volume as every syllable took a crack at my skull. I counted six short steps and then felt the bed sink slightly. Emily's cool hands pulled my hands away and it made me realize my skin felt like it was on fire.

"Sorry." She whispered.

"I think something's wrong." I mumbled placing her hands on my face to try and absorb some of the heat.

"Yeah I know."

"Something's wrong I think." I said again because it was the only thing my brain seemed capable of vocalizing and I wanted her to tell me I was wrong.

"You woke up at like four this morning and kept saying you felt weird. And when I asked what you meant you said the insides of your ears were swollen and then bolted upright and threw up." I didn't doubt Emily's story at all even though I had no recollection of it.

"What was Mum right about?" Emily flipped her hand over so a new coolness soothed my forehead.

"Well I was saying that I wanted to stay with you this morning but I had classes I really shouldn't miss and she said that you wouldn't move if you were sick. Said that since you were little you would curl up in a ball and wait for it to either end or kill you. And here you are…right where I left you." She sighed and I knew she there was a sad smile staring down at me.

"What if my throat is closing?"

"Then you wouldn't be talking." Effy's voice came from the hall.

"What are your thoughts on spontaneous human combustion?" I felt Emily silently giggling and heard Effy sigh in amusement. "Average lifespan of a hippopotamus is about forty-five years."

"Fuck's sake Naomi drink some water." I shook my head a little too quickly at Effy's suggestion and had to bring my hands back to my ears because it just felt like the right thing to do, probably the only thing that would keep things intact.

"Naoms." The amount of persuasion Emily managed to put into just my name was amazingly effective. "You haven't eaten or drank anything all day-"

"What time is it?" I don't know why I asked because knowing was only going to make me feel more pressurized.

"Nearly four." She answered cautiously. "Would you drink tea if we brought it?"

I didn't answer because Mum _was_ right. I just wanted to lay here and wait for something to happen. Positive or negative, I didn't really care as long as _something_ happened. Some sort of change from my current predicament.

"Naomi Campbell accept the tea or I'm getting Gina in here. And please take into account that she wants you to go to a doctor and we've talked her down to a cup of tea first." Effy warned calmly but sternly from somewhere in the room.

"Fine I'll drink the damn tea where is it." I snapped.

I knew it was necessary, that they were all right and that their intentions were good. Given my own way I would lay here forever slowly wasting away. It just always felt too much like those times all my senses were heightened. Everything was louder and stronger, painfully intense. I had to focus so hard on not melting away that a distraction like taking care of myself was too much. Being asked to do more than making sure I continued existing was overwhelming. Their attempts to help me were just too much.

It was like when you are drunk and you've reached that point where you are so intoxicated that everything is too clear. You can feel the weight of your clothes and the oxygen working its way through your bloodstream. And your friends offer you food or to help you to a bed but you just refuse to move, laugh at their suggestions. Everything is spinning and you know you should eat something or turn on your side but instead you just lay there hoping you just pass out. Even though it will probably make you feel better the effort to do it just seems ludicrous.

"That wasn't so hard now was it." I could hear the cheeky grin on Effy's face and Emily stood up. "I'll get it Emily."

"Emily?"

"Hmm."

"Is it bright in here?" All I wanted was to look at her and see that I was going to be okay. I was certain even a quick glance into those eyes would be all the reassurance I needed.

"No, I think Gina must have closed the curtains at some point." Emily placed one of her hands on the back of my neck and I finally opened my eyes.

"It's not meningitis." I stated.

Emily smiled and shook her head.

"Can I go back to sleep?"

"Wouldn't a shower feel nice?" Again she smiled but this time it was more sympathetic which bothered me, but in a way, it also kind of made me feel better.

"You people are demanding." I grumbled. Though a shower did sound perfect, better than perfect, my neck screamed at the thought of lifting my heavy head or leaving the cool weight of Emily's hand. "If you add all the numbers from one to one hundred together they equal five thousand fifty...I feel weird."

"So you've said and it's because you're sick. Had I talked to your Mum sooner I would have known what _I feel weird_ meant." Emily explained like I had been with holding important information from her. But no matter how much I told myself I was just being paranoid, it didn't feel like I was _just_ sick.

"I think I'm being stalked by a dementor while getting a great big hug from death…Emily? Can I rest? Just a little bit longer?"

"Well with that explanation how could I say no? We'll all be downstairs if you…need anything." She was hesitant to leave, I didn't want her to go.

"The melting point of mercury is negative thirty-eight degrees Celsius."

I had wanted to ask her to stay with me more than anything but the second Emily said I could sleep my brain kind of shut down. I was still awake but in a completely non responsive way. When I felt her get up from the bed I was reminded of that dream I had. All I wanted to do was reach out and take her hand, do anything to keep her next to me even a second longer. But everything was just too tired and heavy. It was my mind that wanted company and my body won with it's demand for rest by just not complying with my brains commands.

I didn't know if I had actually fallen asleep or how long I had slept but someone was reading in my room. I knew because I would hear them turn a page approximately every one hundred eighty-six seconds. My eyes opened easier this time so maybe I had gotten some rest. Emily was sat at the desk hunched over a book with one hand blocking the light from shining in my direction and the other ready to flip the pages.

"I thought you were going downstairs?" I was actually a lot happier that she was here than I let on and I don't know why I couldn't just show it or at least say it.

"I thought you were just going to rest for a _little bit_?" Emily countered.

"Didn't I?"

"Yeah for like twenty hours. Feel better?"

"It's too hot. I thought you were going downstairs?" I wish she would come put her hand back on my neck I felt quite disoriented.

"Naomi, do you want me to go downstairs?" Emily misinterpreted my repetition.

"No. I'm going to take a shower…twenty hours?" When I stood up the room went spinning but the promise of a cold shower kept me from falling back onto the bed.

"You okay?" Faster than it seemed possible Emily was at my side.

"Just need a shower." I walked to the door careful to make sure my wobbling legs would continue to support me with each step, I still felt weird. "Don't leave."

It wasn't much of a shower really, more of a let the cold water run over me for a good ten minutes while I focused on not tipping over. Thankfully Emily had apparently decided to go downstairs after all because I had forgotten clothes. I was really worried she wouldn't come back even though I knew she wouldn't just leave without warning.

"I just went to get-" Emily said from the doorway as I poked my head out of a shirt.

"Tea?" I finished for her when she didn't continue. It wasn't like she had caught me naked, not that it would matter because she had already seen me naked. The most she could have seen was half my back and I didn't think that was much to look at.

"Sorry…tea." She said holding it out to me.

"I feel weird." I stuck my arms out of the sleeves and took the warm cup.

"You keep saying that…you're sick you know?" Emily looked genuinely concerned and I felt bad for saying it so many times. But I had always said that instead of saying I felt like Hell because I guess I thought people would worry less if I just said I felt weird. I hated that people worrying, I wasn't about to give their concern justification. It wasn't far from the truth anyway, whenever I got sick I couldn't seem to function properly, even worse than when I was healthy.

"I know I just…feel weird."

"Well you should eat something because you haven't for like two days and drink that and go show Gina you're still alive and take some medicine and-" Emily was staring all around the room as she thought of all the things I should apparently be doing.

"Tea's fine." Her list seemed endless and exhausting just to think about, the tea was already here so that seemed the easiest. "Talk to me Ems."

"About what?"

I just shrugged, honestly I just wanted to hear her voice. It made me forget that my blood was boiling or that my head was splitting open and it felt like only a matter of time before my brain melted and came oozing out. I flipped back the cover of the book Emily had been reading, _The Girl Who Played with Fire_. I looked at my bookshelf to see if she had a copy or borrowed mine, all three of my books were still on the shelf.

"You've read the first book?" I asked.

"Of course, can't be reading books out of order that's just wrong, it's good so far."

"First one's the best." I whispered propping the book back open to the page she had been on. "Is Effy still here?"

"Naomi you were asleep for a whole day. Effy left last night she's out with Katie now, they're shopping and then who knows what."

"Did you stay here?" I couldn't remember waking up to Emily getting into bed with me but I couldn't really imagine her anywhere else either.

"I didn't want to wake you so I slept on the couch downstairs." Emily walked over to the desk. "I wasn't snooping but this was on your desk it's nice…do you think love taints your mind?"

"No." I shifted uncomfortably. "Well it's more a double edged sword isn't it?"

"Hmm?" Emily was still examining the heart and skull drawing and for some reason I wished she had never seen it or that I had never drawn it.

"Well if your mind tries to understand your heart it kind of destroys it because the heart isn't logical. And to try and make it logical or reasonable by analyzing the emotion you can ruin it. But the same goes for the heart trying to explain things to your head…emotions are too potent to be…interpreted. They'll taint all your thoughts until you don't know what you know anymore."

"So how do you decide which is right? Which you should listen to?" Now I could feel Emily's eyes watching me, waiting for an answer.

"Some of Da Vinci's personal notes were written in mirror form. It's theorized unless he intended the works to be read he wrote backwards."

"I liked his drawing of the dragon fighting a lion." Emily was still looking at me but it didn't make me squirm so much now.

"I always liked his anatomy drawings, I liked that there was always writing on them…I don't know why…that's why Leonardo was my favorite ninja turtle."

"You watched ninja turtles?"

"Yes?"

"I used to watch it with James when he was little. I liked Michelangelo." Emily stated

"Why?"

"Just did? He was pretty chill and he liked pizza." Emily's face turned solemn. "Naomi?"

"I'm not going to like what you have to say, am I?" All I got in answer was half a smile.

"Can I see your hand?"

Dumbly I held out both my hands and looked at them myself confused at the request.

"Well you got so sick and kept saying you felt weird. And the other day you said you…cut your hand and were paranoid…and it kind of made _me _paranoid."

"Did you take care of your arm?" The sudden remembrance of that bloody sleeve sent chills down my spine that seemed to branch out along my rib cage, like lightning.

"Yeah that's all fine."

"You don't have to lie. I'm not asking to see it or anything…just want you to take care of yourself is all. You're always worrying over me and forget to worry about you, I think. And my hand doesn't even hurt and it barely even bled."

"That's…not as reassuring as you probably planned it to be. But okay point made. Now are you ready to go face Gina and the insane amount of food she is going to make you consume?" Emily smirked when I pouted.

"Can't I just keep playing dead?" I whined and pouted with little effect.

"That's kind of the reason you have to go see her she's been in to check on you every hour. You slept for _twenty_ hours Naomi, she's worried." She scolded.

"Don't try to guilt trip me it won't work." I continued to pout defiantly.

Emily's response was to raise an eyebrow, cross her arms, and stare. I had challenged her and she was clearly ready to prove me wrong. She continued to stare until I started to sigh and shift from foot to foot.

"Right then, grab your tea and let's go."

"I'm really not that hungry…"

"I know. Just take a bite here and there and I'll take care of the rest." Emily glanced back and winked at me as she lead the way downstairs.

Emily had been right about Mum trying to feed me a small feast. True to her word Emily skillfully stole portions of my food, though she was just as insistent as Mum that I eat _something_. They also agreed that I was going to be taking regular doses of medicine.

"Mum…"

"No. You don't sleep for nearly thirty-six hours straight and get to _Mum_ me Naomi Campbell. I know you are particular, always have been, we have the stuff you will take and you _are_ going to take it." She scolded using her best motherly I-mean-business tone.

"I'm not a little kid." I grumbled, though accepted defeat against the two pairs of eyes trying not to stare at me.

"Of course not love." Mum said in a patronizing tone that only made me want to be more defiant.

"Can we go back to bed now?"

"You _are not_ still tired." Emily laughed from beside me.

"I guess not but it's better than having you two fuss over nothing." I folded my arms in defense and hoped they didn't take offense.

"Some things never change." Mum chuckled to herself.

She winked at Emily and then stood up to leave, patting my shoulders and kissing the top of my head as she passed. I hated that I shrugged her hand off.

"She-_we _just care Naoms." Emily sighed next to me.

"I don't mean to." I sighed back, rubbing my temples to try and relieve some of the pressure.

"Back to your room I guess? I can go stay at Panda's tonight if you can't stand the fussing." There was _almost_ no edge to her voice it was more of a genuine offer.

"No you can stay. Plus you apparently have hands incapable of retaining heat which is good for a person with a fever."

"You only want me for my hands." She gasped mocking hurt.

When we got back to my room Emily went back to reading her book at the desk. For a whole hour I counted the seconds it took for her to turn the page. She had turned the page thirteen times before I spoke.

"Why do you keep asking to leave?"

"What?" Emily asked looking up from her book.

"Well, offering to go stay somewhere else…same thing." It had been bothering me since she had asked the very first time.

"Do I?"

"At least once a day."

"Guess I…" She dragged out the I as she thought of what to say. "I guess I don't want to bother you or for you to get tired of having me around."

"Don't be stupid I don't get tired of people, people get tired of me." It was true people made me almost unbearably uncomfortable but they were still frustratingly fascinating. The only friend besides Emily that had lasted more than about a week was Effy and I suspected that was because I was a new kind of human puzzle for her. We had that in common, the humans being puzzles, though we saw it all from completely different angles.

"I'll try to stop offering to leave if you promise to ask me to leave when you want to be alone."

"Deal." All I could think was that if those were the conditions, Emily was going to end up staying forever.

"Why are you smiling?" Emily bounced onto the bed beside me returning the smile that was apparently on display.

"Feeling a bit better." I smiled a bit longer before it slipped away.

"Can I ask something?"

"Yes, but I don't guarantee I'll have an answer."

"What's with the hatred of medicine?" Obviously I had an answer to that so I couldn't really just say I didn't without her knowing I was lying.

"It's stupid." I stated first. "Certain things, random things, I'm just convinced that this time will be the time I like develop an allergy to them and die."

"Makes sense I guess." I loved that she didn't say I was crazy. She didn't even look at me like I was which was the best part. It didn't matter what people said half the time because I could always see the truth in their expressions.

For a good hour we laid on the bed together, Emily continued reading and I continued counting. Even though she had to work harder to turn the pages, Emily held her book one handed and kept the other one cooling my burning skin. I probably could have happily spent the whole night this way if Effy hadn't come into the room closely followed by Katie.

"It's fuckin freezing outside." Katie complained pacing the room and rubbing her hands together.

"We need tea." Effy stated making to walk right back out of the room. "Some help Emily since you know where everything is already?"

"Uhh…" Emily glanced at me as if to ask something but I didn't understand why she would need to ask to get tea so I just shrugged. "Okay. Katie don't touch things."

Emily pulled out the desk chair further than necessary and motioned for Katie to sit then both Emily and Effy left. It's about now that it clicks into place why Emily had apparently been asking if it was okay for her to help Effy. I could feel Katie watching me and when I didn't acknowledge this fact she started to sigh rather aggressively.

"I am sorry." Katie looked pained to have spoken those words where another human could hear them.

"For?" I had no idea what she was talking about I had barely seen her at all recently.

"Freaking out that morning. When I found you and Emsy sleeping...I just." Katie started sighing even more. "All I could think was what if it had been Mum? You know? Well of course you know since it ended up happening. I was just- I didn't mean-"

"All sorted now Katie. It's fine." The more flustered and uncomfortable she got as she attempted to explain the more uncomfortable I got. We settled back into a rather awkward silence and we both kept looking at the door waiting for someone to come back and put us out of our misery.

"You really fancy her don't you?" Katie finally spoke.

I just shrugged in reply, hoping even more that either Effy or Emily would come back soon despite the fact that they had just left.

"No, it wasn't a question." She sighed again.

"She's my friend…"

"Then what's with this?" Katie jumped up from the chair and it was so sudden that I jumped a bit and stiffened waiting for whatever was to come.

"What's what?" I asked still waiting for some form of attack to take place. When Katie just sat back down I became horribly confused.

"If anyone is in the room you are on constant guard yeah? _Even_ Effy to a degree. But when we just came in you were calm as fuck with Emsy right next to you."

"She's my friend." I repeated for lack of a better explanation.

"Alright." Katie started looking around the room clearly irritated with my response.

"Katie?"

"Naomi?" Katie said somewhat curtly but I could almost hear the excited anticipation of what I might tell her.

"Do you think she…does she know?"

"That you fancy her? So you _do_ fancy her? Do you _want_ her to know?" Katie's voice grew more excited and devious the more words that came out of her mouth.

Out of habit mostly I just shrugged again instead of speaking. She didn't have time to ask more questions or even get annoyed with my lack of a satisfying answer because as I shrugged Effy and Emily returned.

"Alright Naomi?" Effy asked sitting on the edge of the desk.

"Fine. Just feel a bit-"

"Weird." Effy finished with a smirk.

Emily sighed and shook her head, placing a warm cup in my hands. From there they all settled into light conversation that made my head begin to nod. There was no way I would actually fall asleep with so many people here, but whenever Emily noticed she'd place a hand on my shoulder and squeeze lightly or let her cool hand relieve some of the heat of my skin, specifically my neck.

I knew Effy was probably watching us intently, analyzing every muscle twitch and breath but it didn't seem to matter. All that mattered was that I felt weirder than usual and Emily kept making me forget for just a second and then another second. When I tuned back into the conversation Katie was in a heated retelling of some story that actually grabbed my full attention.

"Then that slag came and Mum just welcomed her back." Katie huffed. "And she's come back like every other day. When I got home yesterday Mum yelled at _me_ because _James_ called her a slag to her face. Which was apparently my fault because he heard me call her it or some shit."

"Well deserved." Emily mumbled.

"Well if you'd just come home and see _your_ friend we wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. They still ask me when you'll be back?" Katie stared at Emily waiting for her to say anything. I didn't look at Emily but I felt her squeeze my shoulder to an almost painful degree.

"I asked her to stay." I answered.

My answer drew three pairs of eyes to me, everyone focused on me waiting for more words to come out of my mouth. I instantly started to fidget and stare at the walls.

"Why?" Effy asked when she detected no hint of a lie.

"Didn't want to be alone? Like to discuss classes with her? Then I got sick?" Each answer came out as a question, asking both girls if that was a substantial enough reason.

"Whatever." Katie got to her feet and looked at Emily. "I'm going out tonight and I'm assuming _as_ usual you'll be staying here?"

Emily just nodded.

"Are you staying?" Katie asked turning to Effy.

"Not tonight." Effy nodded her head slightly at me and I nodded back.

"What was that about?" Emily asked when we heard the front door.

"What?"

"You and Effy?"

"She was telling me I did right."

"Does she know." There wasn't anger in Emily's voice at the thought of Effy knowing her secrets, it sounded more like shame and I didn't understand it.

"No. I don't tell things that aren't mine to tell. She just…reads people _and_ she is quite efficient at deciphering situations." Emily seemed to relax at this simple explanation. "Ems?"

"Yeah?"

"Why don't you just tell them? Anyone? They'd understand I think."

"Not ready." Again Emily's expression turned shameful.

"One ounce of gold can be stretched up to eighty kilometers."

"Go to bed." Emily smiled at me before once again returning to her book. I didn't count this time, I kind of just passed out not thirty seconds after I let my head rest on Emily's shoulder again.


	30. Chapter 30

Emily POV

It took another two days before Naomi actually really started to get better. She was very stubborn about what medicines she would put into her, but Gina would always put an end to the debate with a casual mention of a doctor visit.

Every time Naomi did take a dose of medicine she would lay curled in a ball on her bed with her eyes tightly shut. Like she was waiting for something to happen, probably the potential allergic reaction. Whatever it was it never did and after about an hour she would start interacting again like normal.

The first few times I didn't go near her, I knew she wasn't a fan of being touched or comforted so I kept a respectful distance. But once I was already on the bed with her when Gina came to remind her it was time. When she took it and curled into the same position she had taken all the other times, she hugged my arm tightly to her chest. I could feel her tapping a random fast rhythm on my elbow and her breathing increase slightly. This time after ten minutes she started talking again. After that I tried to always just happen to be near her when she took a dose. So I could wait with her for that something that may or may not happen.

It was Friday afternoon and Naomi had asked three times if we were doing anything today. For the first time I think I was witnessing her actually eager to get out of the house. I suspected it had something to do with Gina still checking in almost every hour. She seemed restless and kept sitting down only to stand right back up and start pacing or touching things. Eventually she finally settled on drawing but continued asking if we were going to be doing anything.

"Well Katie said…that Candace was going to have tea with Mum today and brunch tomorrow. Real lovely young lady she is and all…"

"And?" Naomi said not looking up as she added lines onto an already massive drawing.

"I was thinking of going over."

"What?" Naomi snapped, her full attention onto me. "Seriously?"

"Should I not?"

"No I just…" She tried to brush off her shock and steady the worry in her voice better. "You said you weren't ready yet."

"Would you go with me?" I could barely hear my own voice and I was too scared to even look at her for an answer. I didn't want her to feel obligated to go with me or worse to feel bad for me. "You don't have to. I mean-"

"If you want me to." Naomi shrugged and stared at my fidgeting fingers while she waited for me to respond.

When I nodded Naomi got up and just left the room. Ten minutes passed and she didn't come back so I went to find her. Naomi was standing just outside the door smoking a cigarette.

"What are you doing?" I asked taking her cigarette and bringing it to my own lips.

"I thought you wanted to go?" Naomi asked perplexed as to why I didn't already know why she was out here.

She seemed just as nervous and on edge as I felt. Understandably since the last time she encountered my mother she ended up getting smacked in the face and yelled at.

"You don't have to go. I wasn't even thinking when I asked." I attempted to sound indifferent.

I offered her an easy out but instead of going back inside she just started walking. We got to my house too quickly and we both just stood out front staring at it. It was like we were contemplating entering a haunted house or a dragon guarded dungeon, neither of us seemed capable of mustering up the necessary courage to face what was on the other side of that door.

Instead of approaching the front door I walked around back. I could feel Naomi giving my hand squeezes. I stopped short of the kitchen windows and tried to remember when Naomi had even started holding my hand.

There was an endless pit of dread before my feet and I couldn't fathom taking that little step to look through that window. That's when I heard it, laughter. My mother's was noticeably higher but as far as I was concerned the entire world had gone mute. Only one voice remained and it sounded happier than I think I had ever heard laughter sound.

"Ems?" Naomi whispered wriggling her fingers.

I looked down and realized that I was holding her hand so tight her fingers were white. But when I tried to let go completely Naomi just shook her head and gave it another squeeze. When I just kept staring at her she mouthed _do you want to just go?_ and shrugged. It felt like her way of telling me it was perfectly okay to not be okay or ready to do this yet.

Taking a deep steady breath I leaned forward and looked in the window. My mother's back was to the window and Candace was sat across her.

She looked almost exactly the same as the last time I had seen her. The only real difference was that she was smiling and when I had last seen her she was frowning at me from above as she hit me one more time causing me to lose consciousness. When I woke up she had gone home for the year.

She was just a girl, logically and physically that was completely true. But not to me. To me she was a girl who had played with my heart and then kicked the shit out of me. The latter I could live with.

Her brown eyes flickered up and met mine and then did a double take. We stared at each other for what felt like minutes, hours, but I knew it was only seconds. When her lips curled up into a grotesquely satisfied grin I pulled away from the window and kept backing up until I hit the corner of the house, then I turned and walked back to the street. Too calmly.

"Alright Em?"

I shook my head slowly and kept walking away from the house. Too calmly. It was like my brain was working so fast to try and decide how to react that it was just kind of spinning it's wheels.

She was exactly the same, she was happy. Why couldn't I just be happy, why did I have to dwell on the past? Why couldn't it just be that I simply didn't care? Everyone was always saying that all people had to do was think positively and they would just get over shit. But I had tried everything to convince myself I was fine and I was barely keeping my head above water.

"Alright Em?" Naomi asked again.

I stopped short and looked around. I literally had no idea where we were. Naomi looked around when I looked to her for answers and she appeared just as lost. She had apparently blindly allowed me to lead her to the middle of nowhere.

"I'm fine. Where are we?"

"Don't lie." Naomi finally dropped my hand and gave me a stern look. "It was a stupid question I know. I know you're not alright I just mean…that I don't know I guess."

"No it's fine. Do you know where we are?" I couldn't seem to think about anything important but establishing where we were seemed like a start, it kind of looked like some sort of park.

"Not really, but I know the path we came. Backwards it would be straight straight right straight left strai-"

"Right. We'll go back as far as we need to before we know how to get to your house. Then I'll go-"

"Noooo." Naomi drew out the word slowly as she took a step away shaking her head. "You're not going anywhere alone. I'm not stupid I know exactly what-"

"I'm fine...I just…I can't…" I stammered. I started to run my fingers through my hair but ended up kind of holding my head, like that would actually keep things from spinning or hold a thought in place long enough to be vocalized.

Still nothing came to mind and my lungs were feeling pretty fucking restrained. Did you have to think on some level to breathe? Had my brain shut off on that deep of a level? What if the same went for the heart because that was feeling pretty twisted as well. With that thought all I could picture was my heart hanging itself, wrapped tightly in a confusing mess of strings.

"Emily!" She was right beside me but apparently even my ears weren't functioning because her voice sounded distant. Everything seemed almost distorted and obscured.

Naomi's hands were on my shoulders rubbing down to my elbows and then back up. That was something I could focus on. Each time she made it to my elbow or my shoulder she would squeeze for a couple of seconds before moving on again.

"Look at me." She commanded.

It was like my eyes were extra focused because I swear when I did look up I could see every shade of blue in her eyes. They were slightly darker around the edges and the middle. Like deep warm water that would always produce that calming support when you needed it most. All you had to do was lay back and it would do the rest, consume all that was consuming you. In between those were intense almost electric blues that seemed to shock me back to life a little. At least my heart felt like it stopped trying to strangle itself. But there were even lighter blues, like ice. Not the cold distant ice that leaves you with frost bite. The kind that you love to place on an injury because it dulls the aching pain a bit.

"Do people have to think to breathe?" I was still seriously concerned about this.

"No that's dolphins remember?" Naomi still kept her eyes locked on mine.

"You are having a panic attack." She explained slowly and calmly. "You have to stop trying to think. Don't think about breathing unless it's to take deep slow breaths. And don't try to think about what you are thinking. Focus on…something."

She hadn't stopped looking at me or moving her hands. Which made everything better but I still couldn't do anything. All I kept seeing was Candace past and present. She had destroyed me back then and then helped beat the living hell out of me. Now she was making a better daughter to my mother than I could ever hope to be. It didn't matter, nothing matters because right now I don't think I'll make it another minute that I don't _want_ to make it another minute. And it scares me how okay I've been with that for so long.

"I can't. I can't breathe Naomi. I can't move. I can't think." I was quite sure the only reason I was even still standing at this point was all due to Naomi. "It's like a billion snowflakes numbed my brain completely then melted and filled up my lungs."

"Emily." Naomi took my hand and placed it on my own chest. "Stop thinking and look at me."

As directed I continued to stare at the insane amount of blues in her eyes. But now I could feel my own chest rising and falling even though I wasn't thinking about it, even though I still couldn't feel it. The pressure I felt wasn't actually hindering my lungs function. I still couldn't think right but as my thoughts did start returning all I wanted was for Naomi to promise to never allow herself to go through _that_ alone so long as I was around. The only other thing I seemed fully aware of was how much my skin was crawling.

"Better?" She finally asked in the same calm tone.

"Where are we?" I rolled my eyes but Naomi just smiled and sighed in a way that almost sounded like a laugh.

She took a step back and looked around. I almost wondered if she was trying to determine our location or avoid looking at me. I wanted to close the distance and ask her to keep the contact or hold me, anything to make sure that didn't happen again. I was convinced that Naomi was the only thing that could keep me going right now.

"Naomi I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked you to come or reacted-"

"Emily Fitch." Naomi looked at me like I had mortally offended her. "_I'm_ the one who suggested you see her so I'm technically the one to blame here. So _I_ should be the one apologizing."

"I don't blame you…and if you hadn't been here…"

"The platypus is one of the few venomous mammals and the only one to lay eggs." Naomi turned and walked a couple of steps away and then turned back to see if I had followed. "Are we going home?"

"I think I just want to walk."

"Alone? Cause the other day Cook let me walk alone for about half an hour before joining me. I could do that…"

"Naomi," There was no one I would rather be alone with than Naomi but she wasn't going to let me tell her that apparently.

"Please don't shut me out. I know that maybe I don't always know what to do or I respond too slowly or I hypocritically shut the world out, I don't mean to. And I know that everyone is always thinking I just don't care or I prefer being alone, and maybe they are right in assuming so to a certain degree…but you're different. And I know I'm not comforting or whatever but…I care. And you may feel like being alone right now or maybe even think you need it and that's fine just don't send me away and expect me to just…go." Naomi was staring at the sky as she said all of this. She was twisting her fingers again and I heard a snap and crack and grabbed her hand to see if she had finally broken a finger.

"Well I was going to suggest going back to your's cause I'm actually rather exhausted to be honest and I need a cup of Gina's infamously soothing tea and maybe a movie or something."

"Right. Well like I said straight, straight-"

"Lead the way."

Turns out, Naomi is just as capable as Gina at producing the perfect cup of tea without any instruction of how I normally take it. And no matter what she tells herself, no one has ever brought me so much comfort just by sitting on a bed next to me watching television. After two movies we kind of just turned off everything and sat in the dark.

"The last time I saw those eyes looking back at me was as she was hitting me over the head with something really fucking hard." My emotions still didn't seem capable of matching my thoughts because I sounded completely indifferent, like I was discussing the weather.

"I really didn't think I would wake up that time. It was like one last big bang before everyone went home. There was still a week left but I guess they were smart enough to give a healing period for us. But…when I woke up Candace was already gone. Not that it would have mattered I guess. I think maybe I had…hoped there would be some final confrontation that would finally come out of me before we all left. I hadn't tried to fight back for a while."

Ian had never stopped trying to fight them off and it only made it worse. For the longest time I equaled his unwillingness to submit but I just couldn't keep up that was one of the worst parts. Knowing that they thought they were winning something.

"I screamed the first night. Not for long because he covered my mouth. But long enough to have…hope…I had hope...no one came…" Naomi's eyes glazed over like that scream was still deafening to her and that little shred of hope was still lodged somewhere deep where it could never be reached. "I didn't scream again."

"Doesn't mean he won."

"Maybe not. But that isn't why I told you."

"Then why did you tell me?" Just the thought of that scream was still ringing in my ears.

"Because I gave up trying after one failed attempt…"

"Naomi that's a completely different circumstance and anyone would have-"

"You're brave Emily Fitch." I knew she was staring at the ceiling and probably twisting her fingers again. "You think your weak because you didn't fight back enough or because you give in to your impulses but those aren't what I see. Those are your survival instincts, defense mechanisms, whether you or anyone else agrees with them. Just like my silence was the only way I could imagine to...get through it."

I just sat there mouth open completely awestruck. I didn't know how to react. Normally I would just brush off any praise but they weren't compliments, Naomi was speaking sincerely, stating what she believed to be fact. It also broke my heart that she sounded disgusted with herself for finding a way to keep living through what she lived through.

"You are the strongest, smartest, most independent, beautiful person I've ever met. Those are what matter. But that isn't my point…" Naomi almost sounded like she was simply telling me about how octopuses have very intricate nervous systems. She seemed completely unaware that her words were making my heart swell to the point of bursting. Which just made it swell _more_ because she wasn't saying any of this with an ulterior motive, it wasn't to prove a point or to even make me feel better really.

"Hmm?" I had to swallow thickly to even get that noise to come out.

"You don't have to keep running off survival instinct…" she paused like she didn't quite know how to explain what she meant and I really hoped she figured it out. "I was silent for…_too_ long and even now I'm not much better really. Have to get out of fight or flight and just start living. Unfortunately at this point there is a lot of hypocrisy and contradictions to me but...Work in progress is better than…constantly waiting for it to finally end I guess…even if that's still what I want sometimes. Until it happens keep trying. That last part is kind of Effy's life motto now, I stole it."

"I don't even…you are…I lo…" I ended up just closing my mouth and holding my elbows so I didn't throw my arms around her. Not only was I pretty sure if I did start hugging her I would end up unable to let go, I also didn't want to make her uncomfortable when I could already hear her tapping and twisting her hands.

The only thing I wanted to say right now, that seemed right, I wasn't sure I was allowed to say yet. So that left me with nothing to say because there were no words equivalent to her. And to even try would probably leave me reading off a never ending list. For someone who never seemed to have anything to say or had anything she wanted to say, Naomi was…perfect. Always exactly what I needed, everything I ever wanted or could hope to have.

"Emily?" I looked over at her because I didn't trust my voice or my brain to articulate any actual words anymore. "Can I kiss you?"

"Mmhmm." Was all I managed to squeak out.

And that's exactly what she did like she had to add that finally nail to hold all she had just said together and try to make it a permanent foothold, something that would keep me from slipping too far down. Trying not to make it too heated, and admittedly probably failing miserably, I turned the tables and poured all my non-existent words into that kiss. Knowing that I probably only had until Naomi's lungs couldn't survive off those short gasps of air and started to scream for actual oxygen, inevitably pulling her away from me. I hoped actions really did speak louder than words.

The only thing that made her pulling away worth it was the breathless stunned look I saw on her face. I hoped that she understood everything I couldn't say, I really hoped that she knew better than most that words weren't always the best at telling the value of something.

As if it had become routine we both just kind of waited to fall asleep. When I woke up in the morning Naomi was still asleep. I got up and took a shower and reopened the last four cuts I had created. I wondered if this twisted pleasure would ever really turn as bitter as it should be or if it would always remain a sweetness I couldn't help but love and return for more. Despite Naomi's words I was as she said a work in progress. This time I actually made a mental note to ask Naomi if she agreed I didn't need any treatment or if I was just being a stubborn shithead.

I just needed my mind working again for what I was preparing to do. After quickly checking that Naomi was still asleep I left the house as quietly as possible. It wasn't right to leave her to wake up alone again. But I knew if I woke her up to tell her I was leaving she would want to know where and then would want to come with me. I hoped to be back not long after she did wake up so she wouldn't have time to worry.

Just like yesterday the walk to the house took almost no time or maybe just not enough time. This time I entered through the front door. Dad would be at the gym by now and I was pretty sure Katie would be out still from last night since it was Friday. Again the first thing I heard was the combination of two people laughing and again they were both in the kitchen.

I think I stood there for nearly ten minutes willing my feet to step forward while every muscle in my body demanded I escape immediately. It was probably the first thing I had done in a long time that I considered brave. This was one step forward of being the person Naomi saw me as.

"Emily dear," My mother's voice was sweetly venomous when she saw me enter the kitchen.


	31. Chapter 31

Trigger Warning

* * *

Naomi POV

So maybe I still couldn't tell Emily how I felt but that didn't stop me from telling her all that I saw in her. It was like there was a shadow she couldn't see through, a darkness that blocked all those amazing things about her from her own eyesight. But I could see them all perfectly and I would happily remind her every day.

And then I just kissed her. Or it started out with me kissing her but the second she reacted...I don't even know how the tables turned. My initial approach at the kiss with Emily was sloppy and too calculate. Whereas Emily seemed to go into it with confident precision. Like a hidden agenda I don't think even she knew she had until I had lightly touched her lips. Or maybe it was all emotion which was why it came more naturally to her. All hesitancy vanished and though she let me remain on top, with the illusion of dominance, she was definitely more in control. As much as it had started out kind of my moment, Emily just had way more to say, and the message was definitely received.

I bet if I could remember my dreams they would have all just been poor repetitions of that kiss. My brain's pitiful attempts to recreate something only my heart could ever comprehend. It was okay with me that my mind couldn't string together words for what had happened as long as it always remembered how my heart swelled trying to contain every second. Like if it could just expand enough, time would actually stretch and prolong it forever. I kept telling my lungs to take in air so it could go on but they had apparently literally forgotten how. Or maybe they were convinced if they remained frozen the moment couldn't move on either. It was like Emily was filling me with indestructible promises and the best kind of threats.

When I woke up the first time Emily was gone but the sheets next to me were still warm and I could hear the shower running so I didn't get up to look for her. I did try to stay awake until she got back but kept dozing off. At some point I guess I fell back asleep.

There was this oily black vapor drifting closer and closer every time I took a step back. I kept trying to swat it away and keep it from taking form because the very thought of it seemed to instill a sense of terror that turned my blood to slush. It just kept chasing me and then I realized the smoke was coming from my hands. And I couldn't keep my head above the water.

When I saw her I tried to call out to her but all I managed was to cough up more water. She was throwing stars into the sky but they just kept falling. I asked her why she kept throwing them if they just kept falling and she answered simply that they were wishes.

That's when the ground fell out from under my feet and I couldn't keep my head above the darkness. And I was convinced I was drowning but there was no water.

I started trying to keep her away from me, waving my arms and shaking my head. But she just kept approaching and telling me it was okay, to just take her hand, but it wasn't and I couldn't. The fear intensified tenfold, I felt so certain if I took her hand the smoke would drown her too…

I'm not sure if it was the dream that woke me up or because Emily had returned and was soaked and clearly upset. I sat up quickly the cool air on my damp shirt caused me to shiver almost as much as she was. I wanted to do something, ask her what was wrong or give her a dry warm blanket, but I stalled and ended up just kind of sitting there waiting for an explanation. While also trying to keep remembering my dream but I wanted to forget it too much.

"I went there." Emily's teeth were chattering and she was pacing the room and rubbing her hands together much like Katie had when she was here. "It was nice this morning but like five minutes after I left the house it started to fucking down pour. And I think I made a mistake because it won't stop bleeding."

Emily continued rambling and pacing as she pulled off her jacket and looked at her arm which was in fact still bleeding if the amount of red on the gauze was any indication. She didn't give me a chance to offer her warm dry clothes or look at her arm she just kept talking and pacing.

"Candace had apparently explained to my mother that she was one of the people _coaching_ me through my time of trouble. That she had been such a supportive help through that summer." For a second I thought she was going to forget how to breathe while she talked or explode with anger, maybe both.

"Everything came out, right there in front of my Mum. I asked her if she knew and she didn't answer. So I asked her if she was still going to welcome Candace into her home knowing what she had done to me, and again she didn't answer. I asked her if she even cared or regretted any of it. And she didn't fucking answer." Emily was practically screaming the more she acknowledged her mother's silence.

"So finally I just got up to leave and do you know what she said?" Emily was barely even whispering now. "Well it obviously didn't work."

Finally Emily stopped ranting and pacing. Apparently repeating her mother's words out loud was what finally broke her because her knees gave out and hit the floor and she started to cry. Her shoulders were heaving up and down as she fought to take in air and ended up just coughing a lot.

I was at her side within seconds. I sat on my knees in front of her and held her as tight as I could. As if by sheer will and force I could hold her together. For once it didn't occur to me that I didn't know how to react or even to care if Emily wanted to be comforted. My actions seemed to only make her cry harder so I started to pull away but stopped when I felt her hands hold me in place.

After a good twenty minutes of solid constant tears Emily went completely quiet. I could hear the front door slam open and feet stomping up the stairs. I could hear Katie's voice getting closer and pulled Emily's arms away so they were hidden between us before pulling her closer again. Katie slammed my door open much like she had the front door and Effy was right on her heal.

"Effy out." I probably didn't even have to voice the command because the second Effy saw the look in my eyes she had grabbed Katie by the wrist and started to pull her back to the hall.

"When you're ready." Effy motioned downstairs and continued guiding Katie back ignoring her angry protests.

"I can make them leave." I said when I was sure they were out of earshot. "I _will_ make them leave if that's what you ask me to do. Just tell me what to do and I will do it."

"Just…give me a minute." Emily whispered into my chest.

I thought she meant alone, that she needed a minute to compose herself so I yet again stupidly made to pull away. This time Emily just got up with me and instead of kneeling and holding her I was standing and holding her. I almost felt like I was the only thing keeping her on her feet right now.

"I need you to get me something long sleeved and I need you to stop my arm from bleeding."

"Okay." I felt more confident now that I had instructions on what I was meant to do with all of this.

First I walked Emily to the bed and made her sit and then I went to get the medical box from the bathroom. When I came back Emily was staring at her hands and more tears were silently falling onto her forearms.

"Just wrap it really tightly for now." Emily breathed out. "Fix it later."

Against my better judgment I did as instructed. The more I covered it the more I feared I wouldn't get a second chance to tend to it properly. Because I was pretty sure I should be taking her to a doctor instead of downstairs to her sister.

I handed her the green and grey hoodie she had borrowed the day we went picture taking. Then waited next to her for her to be ready to go. About every twenty seconds she would wipe at her eyes, then every forty seconds. When she went a full two minutes without having to touch her eyes in any way she stood up.

"What do I say?" Emily looked to me for answers.

"Just…wait to see why she came then decide. Go off her explanations, that's usually what I do." Mostly I ended up rewording the other person's explanation and nothing seemed to satisfy people more than to hear their own words thrown back at them.

"Right. You'll come?"

"Of course I am." Had it been up to me she wouldn't have had to face any part of this day alone. I felt stupid and guilty for having slept through the morning.

"And you won't-"

"I'm not going to leave you." I guessed.

After that Emily kind of took hold of the back of my shirt and allowed me lead the way. I kind of felt like a shield, Emily's personal guard from what might be coming.

"Emily." Katie stood up from the couch before we even reached the bottom of the stairs.

I felt Emily tug ever so slightly on my shirt when we got to the doorway so I stopped. We were stood next to each other but Emily remained slightly behind me the whole time.

"James was home." Katie explained when neither of us moved any further into the room.

That was basically all the explanation needed. James had heard everything between the three in the kitchen and had apparently quite promptly reported it all to Katie. It was like the information of what had happened to her sister was creating physical pain to her.

I had never seen so much hurt in Katie Fitch's eyes. Not that I knew her well but she always seemed so fierce. Like she wouldn't let any mistreatment done to her fester into emotional pain she just went out and sorted it.

"I'm so...sorry." I could tell she wanted to approach. When she took a step forward Emily's grip tightened on my shirt so I leaned slightly in front of her more which caused Effy to once again take Katie's wrist to stop her.

"Why didn't you say anything?" That was apparently the part that killed her the most because after she didn't get an answer silent tears started to fall. "I know it wouldn't have changed anything but…maybe if you had called I could have…Emsy?"

"You can't fix this Katie." Emily said when Katie just waited for something to come out of her sister's mouth. "Not then, not now."

"The hell I can't that bitch has had it coming for-"

"Katie." Emily continued talking in the same calm voice that effectively silenced Katie midsentence. "You can't fix this. I'm going to. I _need_ to."

"Emily-"

"If James told you everything he heard then you know I have to do this. I don't know how right now…I don't think I actually know anything to be honest." Emily took a step back and pulled me with her. "I know it isn't fair Katie but I can't…this, right now, I can't."

"Emily you don't have to do this alone anymore. You didn't from the beginning. I didn't know."

"Katie I don't blame you. You didn't know because I didn't want you to. I'm not punishing you. Just give me a day...or two." Again Emily sounded ashamed, this time for asking for more time.

When Katie agreed Emily pulled my shirt even harder. I glanced back at Effy who just gave me a solemn smile and walked to the door. Emily sat right back on the edge of the bed and held out her arm.

"Its been so long." Emily just sat staring at the wall and I waited for her to say I could look at her arm or in some way signal that I could approach at all. "Its been...so long. Like everything about me, around me was covered in...just a single layer of cling film...tightly covered. Giving everything a slight distortion, constricting just enough to think I might suffocate but knowing it would never be so merciful. And it takes a certain kind of light for someone to see it...but it's only ever a glance and then they think to themselves...just a trick of the light. And now everyone is just...Its been so..."

"Are you o-" I was starting to think she was in a kind of shock.

"For once this is the easiest thing I think I have to do." She gave me a weak smile and motioned to her still exposed arm.

I went right to work still convinced she would change her mind at any second. When the bandage I had just wrapped around was almost taken back off Emily put her hand over mine to stop their movements.

"I'm still not going to Peter." She asserted.

I didn't agree or disagree, for now all that mattered was having a look. But I couldn't exactly assess the damage through the mess of the extra blood.

"Bathroom." I stated.

I didn't wait to see if she was going to protest, I just started walking. When I got there I turned on the water and played with the hot and cold until it felt perfect to me. Emily stood behind me and watched and washed off her arm when I stepped aside.

"It's just these…four." She explained indicating the four very apparent cuts that _just _was not the proper adjective to describe them with.

"What do I do now?" It was obvious what I _wanted _to do, _should_ do, but that wasn't happening.

"Just wrap it _tightly_. I would have just done it myself but…can't get it tight enough."

"These two are very deep Emily." I pointed at the two closest to her wrist. Stating the obvious was the only defense I needed.

"I know. I would have done it myself but…"

"Emily please let me take you to a doctor."

"Remember when I asked the same of you and-"

"I didn't regret going. Yeah, I remember."

Of course I remembered how much I fought going. And even though I had since destroyed the guy's work now, that didn't mean it hadn't done some good. If only Emily could remember how desperate and determined she had felt instead of how defiant I had been. All I got was silence so I started to wrap her arm.

"Eventually stars use up all their fuel and collapse under their own weight causing them to explode. Then the debris will later become part of new stars or planets, or more simply put a supernova, death of a star."

"Fine, but don't…leave me." I was really starting to wonder where this theory of abandonment was coming from. Had I really left her that many times?

I just gave her a halfhearted smile and went to put my shoes on. It was all so bittersweet. Sure I was happy that she was going to get stitched up but having her have to go at all was horrible. She made us wait until about five before leaving. The whole time she paced the room and I sat and watched.

"What if Peter isn't there?" This was probably the twentieth question she had asked since leaving the house, and probably the fifth time she had asked that specific question.

"Then we'll go back tomorrow." My fear of hospitals extended to experiences that weren't even my own. I had been twisting my fingers to try and keep my cool but the snaps and cracks they kept making were probably giving me away. I wanted to hold Emily's hand but she was holding the back of my sweater and that seemed more important.

Emily had been asking her questions and I always tried to answer, even though sometimes I wasn't quite sure she was serious. Like when she asked if her shoes were too dirty.

"Promise you'll go back?" All the possible excuses she could use for not going back tomorrow shuffled through my thoughts.

"If it starts bleeding again."

"In Japanese mythology the underworld is kind of just this world shadowed eternally. A complete darkness that makes you ache to live again, long for that thing that you can never have. It isn't penance or torture for what you did wrong in life, you basically just continue existing and slowly rotting away in constant darkness." That was far from cheerful information. "Sorry."

"I can relate to that...Are the scars on your ribs what Effy patched up on you?" Emily asked out of nowhere.

"What?"

"You said the other night that Effy could have taken a look at my arm. I didn't show her cause well one it just wasn't going to happen but the another reason was I was sure she would make me go to the hospital. Then you said she did it for you once…you don't have a lot of scars or at least you didn't...but you have some on your ribs." Emily over explained, probably so I couldn't ask what again.

"Yeah." Simple to the point answer was the next best response if I couldn't say what again.

"Why?"

"Well it was actually like the first time and I got super paranoid about infections and stuff…"

"No, why did you…start, I guess." Emily understood completely the magnitude of her question and waited in a way that made it clear she wasn't expecting anything.

"It's a quiet kind of silence." I answered without really answering.

Emily must have understood the significance of what I had just said because she didn't speak again. Of all the people, I was sure she must have understood how it felt to scream out silence, to get everything in your head to just stop for a second. To shed blood to prove to those haunting memories and daunting thoughts that constantly threatened to consume you that you were still alive. Show them that you still had something in you even if it wasn't the best thing or anything really, it was still something. Or maybe she was just worried that the hospital was right around the corner.

"You can wait out here." Emily let go of my shirt as we approached the door.

"You don't want me to come in?" my voice sounded more confused and hurt than I even knew I was.

"No, _you_ don't want to come in." She grabbed both my hands and pulled them apart to prove her point.

"That was nothing I won't do it again." I stuffed my hands in the pockets of my jeans to demonstrate.

"Naomi."

"Stop worrying about me or whatever...I can be supportive." I disputed.

"Naomi, just wait here." Emily sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose and I didn't understand what I had done this time.

"I'm fine?" It wasn't meant to be a question.

"Yes you are. So just smoke a cigarette, I won't be long."

With all of my arguments dismissed I leaned against the same wall I had the last time and started smoking. I was a shit friend for not fighting harder to be there for her or I was a shit friend for arguing to be there when she didn't want me to be. I tried to go easy on the cigarettes but ended up smoking five by the time Emily returned.

"I need sleep." Was all she said and there was no reply other than to take her back to my house where she could sleep.

When we got there Emily took off her shoes and pants and climbed into bed. I didn't join her because she needed space and I was still weary of that dream though all I could really remember was a lot of darkness.

Instead I sat at the desk too scared to make any noise for fear of disturbing the redhead's well deserved rest. There was a glass paperweight that my Grandmother had given me one year when she had apparently stumbled upon a cute little shop filled with everything glass. It looked like a ball of glass suspended in air suspended in another ball suspended in air over and over. And that really bothered me for some reason but Mum had said it would be rude to say that so I just brought it home and set it there.

It had never held anything down and was basically just taking up space. I figured enough time had passed that it wouldn't really be rude to say it had broken or something. That and I really wanted to know if those balls of glass were really suspended in air. Emily's arm held a pillow tightly over her head so I went to work.

Once, firmly and quickly, I hit the thing against the desk causing a loud bang and a small webbing of cracks. Not one to be discouraged when my curiosity was so high, I went to work with a pen. Slowly chipping away small pieces of the weight, only ever finding more hard layers. Probably one layer from the core the pen was snatched from my hand mid-strike.

"Did you know that some species of woodpeckers are so antisocial they have been known to become aggressive towards other members of their own species. But then there are some species that live and travel in groups with their own kind or even other species, very social."

"Well they don't burrow through a hunk of glass and lay in the shards." Her husky voice retorted. That really confused me. "Come to bed."

"Don't want to." I dismissed everything because that was easier.

"I'm sorry about today. And not once today have I been mad _at you_, come to bed." She eased the remains of the paperweight out of my hand but I still didn't move.

"That's good to know."

"Are _you_ mad?" she asked when I still didn't budge.

I shook my head and started poking every piece of glass into a pile. There was something keeping me from that bed. It wasn't Emily or even that stupid dream, it was something much more subliminal.

"What's wrong then?" she crouched down and pulled the hoodie she was wearing over her bare knees.

"The nymph Echo once…" I stopped moving a piece of glass in place with the others when that elusive thought finally made itself well known.

"The nymph Echo what?" Emily was staring up at me.

"Right." I tried to shake the thought from my head, literally. "What?"

"Okay what just happened?"

"Nothing." Still slightly shaking my head I tried to casually start piling up those pieces again.

"Stop playing with the glass." Emily attempted to coax with soft words. "Talk to me?"

I crunched the glass under my thumb and sighed when I didn't feel the sting. How was I supposed to explain to her that I wanted to be alone now that everything was in place? That just like last time I wanted to spend a week as alone as I could get and then destroy everything I could get my hands on. How could I say any of that without hurting her in some way? How could I start when I knew I wouldn't stop until she was gone?

"Don't do that." This time when she pulled my hands away she swept the shards into her hand and threw them away.

"I…" I tried to think of one single thing that could make her understand without having to say it.

"You?" Emily had tried to be patient but like most things it came in limited supply. "You?"

"Ask me tomorrow."

"Why tomorrow?" I could tell she was more suspicious than annoyed.

"How many stitches did you need?"

"Seven in one, four in the other. Why tomorrow?"

"Petrichor is what the smell after rain is called."

"Well will you come to bed then?" Emily gave up trying to get real answers out of me.

I smiled that she had decided to give up, but when I shook my head in answer it took that victorious smile with it. Today was too much already and I wasn't going to be a scapegoat for the real matter at hand.

"I really can't." Emily nodded in understanding. "What are you going to do about Candace?"

"What did Echo do?" Emily evaded.

"What? Echo? Nothing. Who cares." No one cared, nothing mattered, life was simple.

"I guess talk to her maybe? Without her having my mother as backup? I don't know really."

"You can go back to sleep, I'll behave this time promise. No drilling holes through glass." It wasn't just because I wanted to be alone that this suggestion came to mind, Emily looked exhausted.

"No I'm all set." Not thirty seconds passed before a yawn escaped her. "Damn it."

"Sure you don't want to lay back down?"

"I'll wait for you to be ready."

"Stubborn. I'm just going to take a shower and then I'll be ready. Alright?"

"Okay."

As I gathered various clothes to take with me, Emily finally got back into bed. I knew it would only be a matter of minutes before she was back to being dead to the world. Regardless I took my time in the bathroom because it was the one place I could really be alone with no interruption.

Completely aware that I was getting into a horrible cycle of cutting myself, I felt a compulsion to carve another line in order with the others along my ribcage. Logically it wouldn't solve anything but logic couldn't get you everywhere you needed to be. And I needed something to keep me here, keep me going, I needed to see that evidence that I was still actually here. I needed proof that I was in control when everything in me was telling me different things. The skin wasn't nearly as tough as my palm, but it was just as sensitive. It had to be the bones; I had heard people with tattoos talk a lot about how boney areas were painful to get done.

With the aid of the hot water and repeated cutting it bled for nearly twenty minutes. That's twenty minutes of clarity. Twenty minutes to remember things in a less overwhelming manor. _Twenty minutes_ where I simply existed and that was enough. Twenty free silent minutes and all it costed was a stream of blood rushing down my side. Where it quickly diluted with the water and disappeared down the drain. Just like that, gone. And just like that, my twenty minutes were up.

The composure those minutes had brought was lost and soon replaced with indifference. I drew the blade across that cut three more times hoping maybe it wasn't really gone before getting out of the shower and throwing on a hoodie. Emily was, as expected, fast asleep. I almost envied her.

As much as I didn't want to be awake right now at least awake I had the slightest bit of control over my thoughts. Or rather I could now give my ribs a good jab and hopefully lose my train of thought. If I stayed alert nothing could get to me.

But asleep time had free reign. Asleep my memories could pull me back and I would have no choice but to endure it all again. The upside was that the average person forgot about ninety percent of their dreams, so there was a good chance that if I could just get through those nightmares I might not even remember them.

There was a good chance I would be thinking about the subjects of those nightmares anyway. But there was a _huge_ difference between thinking about them while I lay awake through the endless hours of night and trying to survive re-living them while I attempted to get rest. So I almost envied her. But awake seemed the safer option.


	32. Chapter 32

Trigger Warning

* * *

Emily POV

Because Naomi had been so insistent that she didn't want to go to bed I wasn't too surprised that she wasn't there when I woke up. What did surprise me was that she wasn't in the room…or in the house at all. Gina and Kieran were in the kitchen and upon seeing me Gina instantly started making more tea.

"Naomi is…?" I just kind of left the whole situation up for answering.

"Heard her leave this morning. Early as fuck, might I add." Kieran's gruff voice mumbled more into his cup than to anyone.

"Try not to take offense. No matter how many times I ask that girl to even just leave a note…"

"Oh, I'm not offended just…worried."

"Well try not to be that either." Gina smiled at me before continuing to prepare breakfast.

I only ate a piece of toast, despite Gina tutting in disapproval, and then went back to Naomi's room. Upon texting her phone I discovered that it was on the desk. I could be going and seeing any of my friends to keep busy today. Honestly I missed them all especially Cook who I had shamefully been neglecting.

But honestly I was so happy to be alone. I loved my friends but the problem with couch surfing was I was always staying _with_ someone. Which obviously meant I never got any time by myself. Just thinking that made me feel guilty, to need or want time away from them.

I declared it a lazy Sunday and after Gina and Kieran went out I took a shower. For ten minutes I probably just stood there and traced the different scars. Some were nearly white, others almost the exact same color as my skin. But my favorites were the ones still tinted almost a lilac purple that really came out in when I was cold. It was probably one of my favorite colors not that I could or would ever admit that out loud.

As wrong as it probably was to inflict injury upon myself in Naomi's home I did. It felt like the first time in forever that I had been able to just watch the blood run freely across the pale skin of my arm. It trailed down and then branched out at various points like it was still confined to the vein, programmed to continue flowing in lines despite its new freedom.

Like it was still serving a purpose, maybe it was actually. It's task had just shifted slightly, instead of fulfilling a quota it was promising me another couple of hours of life. Now, seeing that blood, it felt much greater to me, more meaningful. It was debatable which one of the two was actually keeping me alive.

It felt so great to be alone, for about the first hour then I just kept thinking. Thinking about Candace, worrying about Naomi, missing _everyone_, and I hated it. I definitely wanted to be alone but not with all the thoughts of all the people I loved, hated, missed, or disappointed.

What would have felt great was getting lost in a good book or taking a long nap but both of those took too much concentration and my brain couldn't seem to lose focus right now. Automatically I wanted to retrace the work I had just done this morning, I almost craved it. They weren't even here and I almost resented them all for invading this rare time of solitude.

I wanted to get away, go to some unknown foreign location where I had no memories of anyone or anything. But for some reason the _only_ thing I wanted to do was wait for Naomi to return. Not even because I was worried more because I just missed her. Which was ridiculous because I had basically seen only her for the past couple of days. But ridiculous or not I shot down every reason to go out and do something.

Trying to keep busy I gathered enough of our clothes to do a load of laundry. I finished all of my homework, and for once actually cursed the small amount I had. Then I cleaned the kitchen. Eventually ended up staring at the computer wondering why with the whole vast internet at my fingertips I either bounced between the same three websites or stared at the screen blankly. I probably would have just kept like this all day, trying to keep my mind so occupied it couldn't actually think, that is if Effy hadn't appeared on the bed.

"Naomi isn't here." I stated closing my book and hoping that she hadn't seen how much her sudden presence had startled me.

"I am aware, due to the lack of her presence." Effy stated just as dully looking around the room to emphasize that Naomi was in fact still not there. "Worry not though she will return before the day is through."

"Why is everyone so blasé about Naomi just disappearing for the day? She always says you all hate it but no one seems bothered at all."

"Oh it bothers us, we are just trying to trust that if Naomi trusts herself and is actually…confident enough to be out and about alone…She's a big girl."

"I know."

Effy just sat on the bed and stared silently. Sometimes at the bookcase or pictures on the wall and sometimes directly at me. If she was waiting for something she would be waiting a long time. To be honest I was kind of annoyed she was even here; I wasn't the one who was in need of her cryptic mind reading today.

"Not really up for talking today…" I finally said after Effy had just sat silently beside me for nearly five minutes.

"That's fine, I don't need to know the details just to tell you that whatever happened…" She waited for me to look at her. "It didn't work."

"What do you mean?"

"Well she or they, didn't get what they were after."

"How do you know if you don't even know what happened."

"Because you're still here, strong as ever so that alone means they didn't win. Even better, you didn't lose your kindness, understanding, or that huge heart. Sure you don't realize just how strong you are because all you can see is what happened or what you've done because of it. But you Emily Fitch, you are the victor of the situation."

"Doesn't feel like it." I confessed. Her perspective of me seemed like fantasy and the memories felt like a stable truth. I gave the fresh cut on my arm a firm pinch which made me feel the slightest bit better.

"Maybe your eyes just haven't settled on the prize."

"Effy?"

"Yeah?" She almost sounded exactly like Naomi when she sighed out that _yeah_ and it made her absence even heavier.

"What do I do?"

"Well since you left me with such a broad choice of topics. Might I suggest telling a bitch off and then happily taking one step closer to your girl? You have a chance Emily one a lot of people don't get." Following typical Effy conduct she gave that all knowing smirk and walked away.

It was only eleven which seemed impossible but time tended to be stubborn that way. I couldn't just keep waiting if time was going to be such sluggish bastard. At first I almost sent Cook a text but if I went there I would most definitely end up too high or drunk to do anything and I still wanted to see and talk to Naomi later.

Katie was next on my list of options and there was no reason to not see her other than avoidance which I was trying to get over. It seemed like I had just hit send when I got a text back. Katie eagerly agreed to meet me _anywhere_ which was so uncharacteristic of her I had to double check that it was her number.

"About time lezza." Katie attempted to sound annoyed but I could tell she was relieved I had asked to see her.

"Katie I'm ten minutes early." It was actually kind of weird that she was here before me.

"And I was eleven minutes early." When I rolled my eyes at her response she grinned happily. "So what are you going to do then?"

"Do about what?"

"That cunt Candace obviously."

"I didn't come here to talk about that."

"Oh. I just thought…haven't we not talked about it long enough Emsy? All I've gotten is second hand information from James."

"That wasn't all on me…" Pure hurt contorted across her features for just a moment before she recomposed herself. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

"Why are we here then?" Katie continued passed the topic though slightly more Katie-like now.

"Look I'll tell you everything after I've…figured shit out. I'm-"

"Sorry. I know, I am as well. Just…"

"Missed you too. _That's_ why we are here." That seemed a satisfactory answer for her.

"Sooo…" Katie stared at her feet as she tapped her heel waiting for a suggestion of what we were going to do for the afternoon.

"Egyptian butchers wore high heels so they didn't step directly in the blood and organs." Katie's head shot up with a look of disgust.

"You have been spending _too_ much time with Campbell and preferably you can keep your facts to yourself for the day."

"Right, noted." We both stared back at our feet.

It occurred to me just how weird it was that after spending our entire lives together, we had become almost complete strangers. We barely really knew anything about each other anymore and it kind of actually hurt. Like actually physically hurt my heart to think about it or try to figure out how we ever let it happen.

"Sooo catch up a bit while we…shop?" Maybe we were strangers but she was still Katie and shopping would always be the key to her heart.

Mostly I just followed Katie around and listened to her update me on everything important. It was exactly how I would have expected to spend time with Katie and I actually enjoyed it a bit. Though slightly less so when my arms started to become weighed down with bags she couldn't be bothered to carry herself.

"Katie?"

"What?" she automatically seemed suspicious.

"I don't want to talk about it." I warned. "But what do I do?"

"About Candace?" Katie verified.

"Yeah…about Candace."

"Punch the bitch and move the fuck on."

"Move on?"

"Well I mean…" I could tell that she regretted saying it out loud but I needed her to know that getting over Candace wouldn't automatically turn me into that innocent compliant little Emily I was before.

"Katie it's not just-"

"I know Em, I know. But you have me back now." Katie almost scrambled to continue like that wasn't enough. "And you know Cook would do _anything_ for you. Effy could probably psychoanalyze the fuck out of you and there's Naomi…"

"I know all the people I have." I hated the thought of everyone worrying over me or becoming reliant on any of them to make it through the day. Most of all I hated the thought of that long list of people I could potentially let down. Put simply I didn't want to be a bother to them or a disappointment.

"Well just…give us a chance yeah?" Katie looked up at me in a way that made it clear she was requesting I at some point let her back in.

"I will Katie just give me-"

"Time." She finished more cheerfully. "I'm fucking starving and Mum's cooking tonight."

"Well with that fate in store we should definitely go get food. And extra for poor James." I really did buy extra for him and told Katie to tell him and Dad that I missed them.

It was nearly four Katie had to leave for the Fitch family dinner. She reminded me yet again to get in touch with Dad and or James because she was sick of trying to give them updates that she didn't even have. When we finally parted ways she kept look over her shoulder and sending me sad smiles. I knew she felt guilty about going home and playing nice with our mother now. All I could do was reassure her that it was fine and that it was the right thing to do.

The whole walk back to Naomi's I couldn't stop getting hopeful that she would be there while equally fearful of what state I would find her. Every step I took seemed to build up the excitement of getting to see the girl I had only just seen last night. While also bringing up all the questions and worries I had been harboring. By the time I got to her street I was containing myself to a brisk walk instead of just running to her door.

"She's not back yet love."

"Can I worry now?"

"No she is with Effy and…Cook? Is that Effy's..._friend?_" The strain she put on the word made it more than clear that she wasn't at all fooled by that façade either.

"Oh." Gina must have read the disappointment on my face because she opened her mouth a couple of times probably to back track or something. "It's fine. I should probably go catch up with some of my friends anyway."

I gave her a quick wave and went upstairs to grab some things, but ended up just grabbing the small bag that easily held all of the stuff I had. On my way out I gave Gina and Kieran another wave but didn't pause long enough to start any conversations. Freddie was definitely my best bet of a bed

_Anyone in the shed tonight?_

_Just me…and you soon?_

_Yeah._

The whole way there I just kept repeating that I wasn't mad or annoyed with either Effy or Naomi. But really I wasn't, what I should have been telling myself was that I wasn't hurt that Naomi was potentially avoiding me. Or at least didn't want me to know where she was or what was going on. Which shouldn't be a big deal but all I needed was a text, even from Effy, saying all was well.

I stopped at the store and bought sleeping pills and cigarettes. When I got there Freddie was in his boxers smoking as usual. I had barely taken a seat when he was handing me a spliff which I gladly accepted. It might actually help me believe what I had been telling myself on the walk here.

"Cook's out with Effy and Naomi you know."

"Yeah I know." The indifference I presented on the subject almost even fooled me.

"Aww you missed me." The grin on his face almost made me feel guilty but then I realized he was actually quite right.

"Right you are Freds."

"You shoulda come by earlier."

"I was out shopping with Katie." Freddie almost let the spliff drop from his mouth. "What? We've been getting along."

"No it wasn't that you were _with_ Katie, it was that you went _shopping_ with Katie. _And_survived?" He started laughing at the thought.

"What does that mean?" His laugh was starting to become contagious and I had a feeling the drugs were to be given the credit.

"Emily, you hate shopping _with_other people almost as much as Cook hates shopping. And I think he has been wearing the same three outfits for _years_." I leaned over and punched him on the shoulder which only seemed to make him laugh harder.

When Freddie finally managed to compose himself which meant I could as well we played video games. We just kept shuffling through any two player games he had because none of them seemed capable of holding our attention. Or maybe it was because whenever one of us beat the other it was then demanded the game was defective in some way and switched.

"Well…" Freddie sighed as he stood up into a long stretch.

"No fuckin way are you going to sleep yet." I protested instantly.

"It's nearly midnight." He said pointing to the small clock as his defense. "Some of us have classes in the morning."

"I have classes?"

"Oh you're actually going to go?" he teased inching more towards the door or probably out of arms reach of me.

"I haven't missed that much."

"Go to bed then and we'll go together."

"Whimp!" I called after him.

It was probably better that he did leave. If I was going to go to school as I intended to I probably should have taken the sleeping pills by now. Otherwise there seemed little hope that there would be any sleep between now and then. The sooner I passed out the better so even though I would probably regret it in the morning I took six. I said I was going, I didn't say anything about being completely functional.

There was something with me and if I could just take a step forward to get a better look, I knew it would be mine. If I could just see whatever it was I would know what to do to get it. But it was like every time I turned a corner it had just turned the _next_ corner. I didn't even really know what it was, I had a feeling I knew what I hoped it was, but I knew it would change everything.

Every time I took a step forward I could tell it was getting farther away. So finally I just stopped my apparent reasoning being that I couldn't have it, but if I stopped taking steps at least I could stay closer to it.

I was about ninety-nine percent sure I was awake now, but I couldn't move or even feel anything. And this panic settled in me that if I couldn't move or feel anything then how could I be sure I was actually breathing. Suddenly there was no doubt in my mind that if I couldn't move this second I would certainly suffocate. All of my will power went into just moving my lungs or my head or something.

"Emily get up." That voice was familiar and nice but it wasn't the one I wanted so I fought to ignore it. "Emilyyyy!"

"What?" I sat up so fast I think I left my brain on the pillow because I literally had no idea what was going on.

"Jesus Christ. I was beginning to think you had died." Freddie sat down and started eating his bowl of cereal.

"What?" I said again hoping an explanation would make me feel less delirious.

"Told you to go to sleep when I did. How late did you stay up after I left?"

"Another hour or two." I lied. I didn't want people knowing about the sleeping pills or just how many I was taking now a days. Though since I had been staying with Naomi and not taking them, I probably could have taken less and maybe feel a bit better right now.

I stayed around Freddie most of the day just enjoying his easy company. Effy was always with Cook when I saw them. Which made me assume Naomi wasn't at school. But around lunch I saw her, walking alone. I tried to catch up with her but lost her in the crowd. Over the next couple of days I got the feeling that was always her intention.


	33. Chapter 33

Naomi POV

The longer I lay there thinking and remembering all night the worse everything seemed to get. Like the memories were just too potent and all that darkness started leaking out of my heart and seeping into my veins. It creeped into my skull like a fog and took over everything. The worst part was there was no remedy to save me from any of it.

Emily had kept me from remembering all day what day it had been, and now that I did remember it seemed like it was lashing out more violently, punishing me for forgetting. Part of me wanted to just crawl into bed and beg her to keep me from remembering, to take it all away again, but the bigger part knew I deserved it. That darkness in me happily fed on this new development.

The memories were everywhere to me, they were chilling my blood and crawling across my skin. They were following me _and_ approaching me. I couldn't bear the thought of all the potential losses I had managed to accumulate. Everything good I had, seemed to leave a gaping void in me now. Whether it was because I would lose them or destroy them I couldn't tell, it all seemed inevitable though. But just thinking about having these good things, tore me apart and I don't know why.

It was like I was bleeding internally and the more I tried to stop it or keep it where it was meant to be the more damage I created. But letting it out or just ignoring it seemed just as dangerous and ultimately just as destructive. Everything was slowly leaking everywhere and no one could even see it, soon I'd just be a puddle everyone avoided because they didn't want their shoes to get wet. And even if they could and tried to help, I knew that I would fight them off, I'd sink us both to the bottom and that wasn't fair. I started to worry that even when I was left empty it would just keep leaking. It was all accumulating at me feet forming a giant anchor so I just kept sinking further down.

It finally got to the point that I just had to get out of the house. Luckily it was still early as hell when I came to this conclusion which made it simple to slip from the house alone and unquestioned. There were no explanations, only a new perspective, which was the exact opposite of everything I had wanted so desperately only yesterday.

Plus I had promised Emily that I would tell her _tomorrow_ and now that tomorrow was here I wasn't ready. Now I found that there was no way I _could_ do it, not like all the other times. Not without having to explain or witness her reaction. So I just stayed away and hoped that it would all fade. I was sure that time would take this all with it if I could just get through these sluggish minutes that would eventually accumulate to those daunting hours.

I kind of just let my feet lead the way while my thoughts continued to slowly consume my insides. It was like my own shadow was stalking me. That constant darkness followed me everywhere and no one noticed or questioned it because everyone had shadows. So it clearly wasn't _that_ big of a deal I just needed to get over it, that's what everyone seemed to always be telling everyone else.

Which was probably why so many people were walking around silently weighed down by that deadly darkness. It would have been much more efficient if there _were_ dementors hovering around stalking people, no one would tell you to get over it then. Sure they would probably avoid you even more but they wouldn't diminish what you were going through to a phase or rough patch.

When a stick snapped under my weight I finally took notice of where I was, Emily's lake. I don't know why but I needed to jump into that water. It was so cold it literally sucked the air right out of my lungs. For just a second I didn't think I would resurface and the thought didn't cause even the slightest panic. Everything was frozen for just a second, my muscles constricted and my blood stopped flowing. It felt peaceful.

For that one moment everything was still and I got one single tranquil thought, then it all leaped back into motion. My lungs gasped for air to the point I felt like I was choking on the oxygen. All that blood that seemed to have settled in my heart flooded back into my too small veins. My nervous system sent warnings to panic all throughout my body and continued even when I reached dry land.

This felt more accurate than the relaxed panic I had been experiencing for hours. I stayed there alone almost all day. Only left when I decided I needed a drink as soon as possible. I only went to Cook's uncle's pub because I hadn't brought a lot of money and I was pretty sure they would serve drinks even if it was still quite early.

Cook showed up maybe an hour after I did and I didn't say a word to him the entire time. He just sat with me in somber silence and I couldn't understand why. Cook was always the loudest in the room and yet he was sitting with me as I drank my weight in various beverages. He didn't ask any questions or try to hinder my progress through all the drinks.

I probably would have stayed out all night, gone to Brandon Hill eventually and waited for nothing or something. I didn't even know anymore, anything could happen and it would be better than this. Technically something would have had to have happened eventually even if it was just the sun rising again. But Cook being the gentleman he is insisted I go home, and when I refused, he made sure I was delivered safely to Effy.

I refused to talk to her and she accepted my silence. But that didn't mean she wasn't going to talk.

"Why are you drinking so much?" She asked as if she wasn't even interested in the answer. "Why are you avoiding the world with extra dedication?"

"Not." I hadn't talked for so long that that one word gave me the hiccups.

"Naomi."

"Have you talked to Emily?"

"Is that what this is about?" I hated this game. I wasn't getting answers unless she got answers.

"No. I like Emily just fine."

"Didn't ask if you liked her, I already knew that. And no, I haven't talked to her. Should I?" Effy handed me a cup of coffee.

"Doesn't matter." That cup felt like the first warm thing I had ever felt in my life. It thawed my frozen fingers and the steam melted itself a place in my thoughts. For a few silent seconds all I could think about was how good it would feel when I finally took a sip.

"Did something happen?" Her tone was so obvious she might as well have just asked the question directly.

"We didn't have sex." I hit my head off the table because it felt heavy and it was also just something to do. As I slammed my head down for the third time it came into contact with something much softer. I felt Effy's cool fingers bend slightly to cover my forehead.

"I stand by what I said it would really-"

"I want to okay." I snapped. "And it's practically torture how many times I probably _could _have. But Ems said not if...but I'm always thinking about it. Especially..."

"Especially?" Effy tried to gently encourage the words to just fall out of my mouth.

"She's right I don't want to be thinking of anything but her when we..."

"What if shagging her is actually what will get you all sorted?"

"It won't. Especially...It just isn't the right time."

"Fair enough you two know what's right I suppose. But I'm sure she more meant not to if you would regret it later, regret her... Naomi?" I could hear the advice before she said it. "Don't shut her out. Not only is it hypocritical...after all you two have been through and as far as you've come...it's just..."

"I'm trying. It's just...not up to me right now." Effy bit back any argument she had.

I wanted to tell her that it was fucking discouraging making it this far and nothing had changed. Telling myself day after god damn day that tomorrow would be better and it never was, nothing ever changed no matter how much effort I put into it. Getting through just another minute felt like a punishment more agonizing than anything I had ever done to myself to succeed _to_ that next minute. That it was excruciating to stay away from everyone, most of all Emily, but at this point I felt like a ticking bomb. Effy herself had once told me Ems was a mimic, what if she copied the countdown I was set on.

I _wanted _to tell her because I _wanted_ her to be able to tell me I was wrong or mistaken. I _didn't _tell her because I was too certain she couldn't tell me any of the things I needed to hear without having to lie. And I was already lying to myself enough, I didn't think I could take it from her as well.

So after that I went back to refusing to talk to her or anyone else. For the next week I went to school and then went straight to my room and drank a lot, too much. It was like by forgetting one day I had to make up for it and punish myself, it couldn't not still hurt me. That's what I had managed to convince myself in an attempt to find reason in my new attitude towards things. Make myself suffer by pushing everything that made me better in any way as far from me as it could get. Because they, _she_, made it stop hurting so much and I didn't know how to deal with that.

That meant avoiding Emily at all costs. It almost felt like I was protecting her. She still had a chance and I would only ever be broken. Every time she took a step forward, attempted to create something better it only created more pieces. I don't have the energy to keep trying to put it all together right now let alone keep it in place.

Only once did I catch her eye, it was in politics class on Wednesday. And just one glance almost had me wanting to beg her to save me from my irrational destruction of everything I had managed to build up over the years.

Then I felt something bust in my chest. Something just clicked off and I felt empty again. I didn't want to be needed or to want someone this bad. My body or brain's reaction to this new feeling was apparently to just stop. I didn't have enough to keep myself going let alone to give to anyone else. It wasn't fair to her. I'm a self diagnosed plague and completely willing to exile myself for the better of the world.

There just weren't enough parts of me anymore. Maybe this feeling would only last for this week but did it really matter, it would come again. The thought of her caring felt like a threat and there is only so long I could have kept up the charade that I wasn't constantly in fight or flight. Emily deserved better, I had to keep staying away from her.

No, I thought sternly trying to shake the thoughts away. Emily was exactly what I wanted and needed I told myself. Despite this statement I didn't make eye contact with Emily the remaining hour of class and left right after.

"Alright, Naomi?" I don't know how she had managed to catch up with me.

"Yeah." I sighed hoping the hesitation wasn't too apparent. "Just tired is all. See you tomorrow, yeah?"

"Yeah." Emily didn't even try to hide the hesitation in her own voice.

I could feel her willing me to look at her but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. There were two possible outcomes if I did and I didn't know which would be more terrifying to me.

One I could look into her eyes and have all of my feelings and doubts burst aflame and I would kiss her and tell her those three simple words everyone dies to hear, and everything could be better for the both of us. I would tell her why I had been avoiding her the past week and making a complete ass of myself. Explain that I had just needed time, that I was sorry.

Or two, I would feel nothing, because maybe my heart didn't have the capacity for love anymore. The passion that had nearly burned up my chest would feel numb again, ice cold. Worse still, she would see that emptiness reflected in my eyes. The risk was to terrifying to even consider, I just needed...time.

I'm a coward to either outcome so I stared at my shoes and waited for her to leave. Which she did after several minutes. She didn't want to leave me, let me go, and I didn't want her to either. My first instinct was to run to her and apologize for being such a distant shithead. Instead I turned and walked in the opposite direction. I didn't see her the next day or the day after because I didn't go to school.

It was all getting out of hand but instead of doing the logical thing and stopping I just continued the same routine. Drink, pass out, classes, drink, pass out, classes. I had made sure to keep going to school to keep up some sort a facade that things weren't completely deteriorating. Other than today at least.

Instead of going to classes today, I stayed home and drank all day. Everything _was _crumbling and I was making a soggy mush of all that remained. I must have passed out about four times and upon waking I would always have new cuts, some I remembered other just seemed to appear out of no where. Most of them weren't cause for worry, probably wouldn't even scar so I didn't give them a second thought. But there were a couple of horrible gashes on my left forearm that I can't even comprehend how I don't remember doing it.

If Mum was worried she didn't show it. Effy finally took the hint to just leave me alone. Which surprised me because normally they took on a stalker approach when they suspected something horrible was going on. Maybe it was because I kept my cool until I knew no one was in the house.

On Saturday Emily called me twice and then texted me.

_Naomi? You alright? Haven't seen or heard from you. Effy said she hasn't either? –Ems_

When an hour passed without a response she texts again.

_Well I'm going out with Cook. Probably won't text for a while which I guess is what you want. I'm really worried. Something happen? –Ems_

I had decided to dedicate the day to resting. I desperately needed to catch up on sleep. I had been avoiding my bed all week and sleep had been evading me at all costs. The only time I seemed capable of keeping my eyes shut for more than five minutes was with an abundance of alcohol or sleeping pills. And when I was successful I had horrible dreams that I could never really recall but the feelings they summoned lingered hours after waking. So horrible that upon waking the thought of going back to sleep, back to those dreams, was just absurd.

Everything was dark except her and this time I easily took hold of her hand before she could drift out of reach. It instantly connected us. Not just by our skin but the muscles underneath and the veins that ran all throughout our bodies. Everything fused together and I felt my heart jump to life matching hers beat for beat. My joints moved with a new ease under her guidance that it didn't even matter where she was taking me.

And then the second slipped away and everything was blindingly bright. Her hand was gone and all I could feel were cold hollow bones. I tried to call after her but couldn't figure out how to pronounce her name anymore. Every step I took to attempt to chase after her brought something else closer, I was being stalked in my pursuit. I could here laughter, the kind that sends fear coursing through every atom of your being.

I reached after her desperately but only caught threads that I pulled at eagerly. Each one was attached to a blank photograph, but the longer I looked at each one the more I remembered. I would throw them away in horror and disgust and when I looked up again I saw her for just a second before finding another thread in my hand, dreading having to pull on it.

On Sunday Kieran took Mum out for the day, they left before the sun was even up, and then they were leaving for the week to visit Kieran's family. And since they lived quite far away they decided to make a little vacation of it.

Mum tried to get me to go and then told me Effy would be by tomorrow maybe. The whole conversation probably would have gone better if she wasn't witnessing me lying on the floor half hidden under the bed. I just kept telling her that I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself until she left. Admittedly I was extra grumpy because she was interrupting my hangover avoidance, all I wanted was to sleep as much as possible, while the remaining alcohol in my blood kept my thoughts out of reach.

That was a couple of hours ago. It was only about half past eight now. So when I heard footsteps in the hall I thought I was hallucinating but then Emily walked into my room.

"What the hell?" The shock fades a little and the guilt settles in to replace it. "Sorry."

"First off I called last night and your Mum said that you were asleep. And that if I stopped by after they had left to just let myself in." She paused just long enough to take a breath that said don't interrupt me. "And second you haven't responded to any of my calls or texts. I mean what happened? Did I do something?"

"No. Nothing's wrong." Still no eye contact.

"I'm not stupid. I know you get distracted or buried under things, get a bit lost. Fuck I can even relate. I can also deduct that it had something to do with what you wouldn't tell me the other night." Her voice isn't angry anymore but there is still an edge of something. "Why are you doing this?"

"I'm not doing anything…."

She reached for my hand which instinctively pulls away. Then I reach for her hand to try and take back that stupid reflexive response, but this time she snatches it away.

"That! That is exactly what I mean. If you don't want to be around me right now fine but you have to tell me or explain because I'm going mental here. I care too much to just…Please just don't cut me off completely." She is almost yelling and I hate that I've offended her but I don't know what to say. "One minute you seem so invested and the next it is like there is nothing in you."

"There is something in me!" I feel oddly defensive even though I kind of agree. "Maybe just not what you are looking for. Maybe I'm just not what you need. Maybe I'm not enough."

"You are exactly what I need when you let yourself be. What is bringing all of this up? You were fine, _we_ were fine and then you just…"

I still don't say anything and I know it is only making her angrier, like really angry, because she keeps going to say something and then stopping. Finally she throws up her arms and starts pacing.

"At least be mad at me out loud." I finally said. Not only was I tired of everyone always tip toeing around me like I couldn't handle anything, I also wanted it to hurt. And for some reason I was pretty sure that anything she said right now would hurt. Anger brings out that painful truth people are always letting cut up their tongues to keep it from slicing up someone they care about.

Now she is pacing and making gestures with her hands and muttering to herself but I can't make any of it out. Despite myself I felt bad for causing this, for making her angry or upset. It was what I wanted wasn't it. I didn't want to be needed or loved, I wanted someone to hate me as much as I hated me. I didn't want something out of my control or anything to keep me afloat. All I wanted was to be alone, to slowly waste away and not be questioned about it or stopped.

But watching her now I realize there was one thing I knew for sure. This was already far out of my control and any attempt to contain it would be like trying to tame a hurricane. Even if you managed to get a hold of it, it would still pull you in, for probably the best ride of your life.

The problem was not Emily that was only too obvious, maybe not to her but I could see it perfectly, and it killed me that she thought it was her fault. It was always me and the darkness I hid in. I was Ahab harboring this obsession with something I could never have but my mind would never stop seeking. It would always hunt for it time and time again until it destroyed me. There was no way to fix the past and apparently just getting over it with time wasn't going to happen either. Was I really willing to condemn Emily to that fate? To drag her down and down until we were both sitting at the bottom of the sea? Especially when she had this chance to maybe deal with Candace and improve her life.

"It really doesn't matter does it? You don't want anyone to care." I didn't defend myself and just waited for her to continue. "Can you even understand emotions? Can you even allow yourself to feel a god damn thing for one fucking m-" Emily spat letting her rage boil over. Before realizing she had lost control and stopping mid-sentence.

Even as she spoke the words I can see her trying to pull them back in. I really wish she had. I picture her biting at the words them getting stuck in her teeth. One simple swipe of her tongue and a big gulp and they could have just never been heard. But they did hit the air and every word seems to explode and every explosion seems to evaporate the oxygen from lungs. That was what I had been waiting for, her to realize the truth.

"I'm-"

"Don't." I just keep shrugging. Like the words were something heavy on my shoulders, something that could just be shaken off and forgotten. And I'm back to avoiding eye contact. "Your right."

Tears flood her eyes and I flinch like the pieces of her heart I had just broken might actually cut me. She looks up to stop them from spilling over and I swear I see stars. I don't understand why she is crying at first it couldn't have been that shocking, she herself had once called me a robot. I avoid looking at her as she lingers in the room trying to find a reason to stay. It is only when she turns and leaves that things start falling in place, as always, just a little too late.

I sat staring at the ceiling trying to piece everything together into something that made sense. It was obvious I had hurt her, even my own denial of my feelings hurt _me. _But it still felt necessary in the long term. There was literally no other justification for my lies other than it felt like the right thing to do. This horrible lie had to rip through us both, tear her away from me, so that maybe she could have a chance. That plague part of me would only ever pull her down to how miserable I felt. It was this sick kind of logic that kept convincing myself to throw away the best thing I ever had.

I had just for the first time admitted to her that I couldn't feel, which wasn't quite accurate I could feel I just didn't know what to do with it really. But that didn't matter, love, though very complex, is a feeling. I had once asked her to just wait to say it and tonight I had just basically told her that I refused to ever acknowledge it. All her time and effort was wasted, it would never matter. For the first time I was pretty sure I had just ruined it all, beyond repair this time.

"God damn it!" As hard as I could I punched the door. And unlike when I punched it with my right hand I felt a searing pain radiate to and from my left and heard a kind of cracking pop. After a second it felt like the blood in my hand was significantly hotter than the rest of me. I went back to laying on the floor just as miserable but sickly happy with the pain in my hand.

Why did I do that?

I'll never know how I feel about all this. I don't know how I feel about anything. I turned off any sort of emotion I actually understood like a light switch. Under the assumption that I could always flick it back on. But light bulbs break and maybe one day if you are lucky someone will come along and replace it for you, but maybe if you're like me you'll throw that person out because the light is too bright now. I never took into account that if you never pay the bills you can hit that switch all you want the light is never going to come on.

And the worst thing you can let happen is to let your eyes adjust to the night. It's hard to get back once you become comfortable with having and being nothing. I have no hope or intention of going back. I became comfortable and now nothing seems to be worth anything. All I know is each moment and I only ever understand the moment after it has passed.

But I knew that she would not soon leave my mind she would be in every moment for months. When I'm deciding between cereal and toast, the blue shirt or the black one she would be there. She wouldn't say a word just like all the nights I could have saved us. Just one word could have changed it all. But I sat there like I couldn't be bothered to just say _I'm sorry. I love you. _ I couldn't do it to her. She was waiting for someone in me to come back, someone she had never even known, someone who maybe never even existed at all...someone I didn't even know anymore.


End file.
